fall 2012

Fall 2012 is already gone, and that marks another semester in the books. That one was truly a blur.

What have I learned about God, and what have I learned about myself?

It's easier to start with me, I guess. I found myself in August sitting in a chair, struck by the fear of responsibility and being exposed in different areas of my life as I saw the ugly side of myself to the core. To this day, I am not exactly sure what I'm doing. I don't like the idea of being confronted with my failures or insecurities, but God made it clear why we sing "where you go I'll go": even if the storms are ridiculous, it's safer to be in a hurricane with God than it is to be in a controlled safe-zone bubble without Him.

I am human, and I am frail.

The next couple months had me running nonstop, in and out of home and work and church. The very few things that remain are what God impressed in me through His Word and through experiences.

For one, my fear of people shrank and my appreciation for church and trust in people multiplied from a small thing to a slightly bigger thing. I can see who my role models are and why, as I contrast myself with who I thought I was. The "niceness" of my life was interrupted with an underlying coarseness, friendships became synonymous with conflict, and complex theologies boiled down to the simple truths of everyday life.

Life became real. Things that seemed like definites - church attendance, faithful devotion, outspoken faith - all these disintegrated into uncertainties as I met different kinds of people and saw people I know change. And in it, I see how much greater God's grace is when we are indeed able to savor those gifts. I can't take for granted that there is a community of people around me who are chasing after God - if not for them, I would certainly not. Nor that there are men trying to lead others to Christ - if not for them, I would crumble. Nor can I gloss over the fact that I find myself less lovable each day but feel more loved because of exactly that self-knowledge.

God is patient, and He always provides.

God has also been showing me how much He cares for the poor and powerless. A tour of Compassion in January, run-ins with the homeless, watching Nefarious and Passion's Freedom Film, and reading Isaiah 58 all tell me that God's heart is so much bigger than mine. Only when Jesus is Lord over my own heart will I start to gain His - Psalm 119:32 - because as it is, it's as shriveled as a prune. My prayer has been that God grows my heart in compassion.

God cares for the widow and the fatherless, the oppressed and the hungry.

I'm thankful for the relationships that have developed over the past semester. They seem so (again... that word) real, untainted by the obligations of what I always expected and thought friendships should look like. Friendships will look like whatever God intends them too. That goes for people in my LIFE group, people at my workplace, roommates, family; whoever. One thing remains true: a relationship only grows as deep as I'm willing to invest. As ugliness arises in myself and the people I know, I find that there's more room for God's grace.

God sees all the ugly and He loves us still.