struggles

Q: Looking back on this past semester, what was the hardest struggle, and what did you learn about God and yourself?

Compared with the semester before this last one, it was relatively a breeze. I came off of a spiritual high off the summer - fiery and prepared to serve. I put a Post-It note on my corkboard in front of my desk - nothing but a picture of a steaming cup of coffee and the words "Make the best cup of coffee. It's okay if it's bitter."

That was my motto at the beginning of the semester, at least - to be obedient and to do my best to serve the God who's given me life. And it worked out okay - but somewhere along the way, self-absorption took over and life became a bunch of to-do's. Including people. That was definitely a low...

When retreat came around, I was basically operating on a routine - and God revealed that that wasn't the life He wanted for me. The lesson learned? "I cannot save myself."

No amount of punctuality, diligence, obedience, or integrity could make me into someone that God loved more. Nothing I could do could bring me salvation. I was trying too hard to be pleasing to God, so much so that I forgot the reason I could approach Him in the first place was not me, but Christ.

 And so I came out of the retreat, feeling like I learned something, but feeling really low again because I could still only think about how incapable I was of saving myself, and so I was thinking about myself again. Self-absorption galore. Then I adopted the philosophy that it's good to know that God loves me, no matter how wretched I am. And this is the truth, God will love me because of Christ's righteousness, not because of my own. God loves me.

The majority of the remainder of the semester was spent by my being aware of what needed to happen. I needed to reach out to people, build relationships, pray for people, be diligent about the ministry God has given me, but I did none of it. I was painfully aware of my own laziness and disobedience, and it was a day to day routine of "crap, I fail again..." and then the next morning, "I really gotta forget and not slow down." (And on a side note, I was listening to the new Relient K album "Forget and Not Slow Down" every morning).

I wanted a burden in my heart, and up till the past couple of weeks, I had none. Now I feel like God is placing a burden on me to love people again - but I just really want to understand the necessity of Christ's love for me once again.

At this exact moment, I'm feeling spiritual battle. And I'm glad in one part - because it means I'm going somewhere. The semester was spent running in place, in apathy and complacency, and now as it draws to a close and I'm heading to St. Louis for Urbana '09 soon, I'm more awake. I've started having more doubts, more questions, and more difficulty living out day-to-day life. What a blessing in disguise. I just need more of Jesus.