love

Someone asked me yesterday, "What prayers has God answered for you recently?"

I honestly couldn't remember what prayers I had. That's probably not a good thing. But whether this was a prayer or not, God answered it (from my last post):

"I just really want to understand the necessity of Christ's love for me once again."

Okay, so the question is, what does Christ's love mean for me?

(And here, I'm going to try to answer this without using any Christianese. I realize I don't understand half the cliches that I spit out there sometimes. At Urbana, one of my seminars spoke of how we can't relate to non-Christians because we can't explain anything without using words like "sanctification," "the blood of the Lamb," etc... And this is probably true of me. So here goes...)

I am, by nature, a coward. And the thing that I am most scared of is that people will find out that I am a coward.

Someone said this past week that he was Chinese-American, and of all the wonderful things that his parents passed down to him as a legacy, one was the curse of having to always look successful. I am no Chinese-American, but I am Asian nevertheless, and I identified with him.

For me, life has always been a list of to-dos. Snag that 4.0, learn that new trick, be a better athlete, learn to play the guitar... Whatever it is, I had to be better at it. The end-product is a Chris that is the jack-of-all-trades but master of none. And when college came around and I started going to church, I tacked another  task at the end: follow God.

A lot of people told me that I needed to learn to love Jesus first and foremost, but I, the zealous Mr. Do-It-All, couldn't stand to wait for that. So I put Jesus aside and then thought about all the ways I could do churchy stuff. And that went on for a long while.

And I found myself in a rut. You know how they talk about people who talk the talk and don't walk the walk? I was becoming one of them. And I came to a point where I just didn't care anymore. I was so lazy I knew I should be sharing the story of Jesus with other people, but I didn't want to. I was scared, and I would much rather look successful in front of people.

I would rather win an argument with an atheist than love him. I would rather look cool with my group of church friends than take the energy to spend time with someone who had no friends. I would rather gloat inwardly about my better grades than spend the time to help others with their work, especially when they needed my help. I am selfish at heart. And in all this I found that I cannot let down my guard. I'm afraid that someone will see me for the way I am.

And this is exactly what Jesus means to me. Jesus is someone who can stare straight into my weaknesses, my fears, and my failures... and while I am petrified of throwing off all of this "looking successful," because it gives me security, I find that the only way I will be free from it is if I learn to fail. I am afraid to share my faith with other people because other peoples' hearts I have no control over. And no control means I can fail. No control also means I can be free of the burden of always having to do well. No control means Jesus can take over and take up my failures.

Growing up, the things that I did wrong were the things that no one else knew about. I've never done anything that anyone in this world would call "terrible," instead, I was the goody-two-shoes. The perfect little demon living like an angel. I never told anyone about the things I did wrong. And I continue to live life that way. I never tell people about the thoughts I have, the things that I am addicted to, the things that I struggle with, the things that make me feel like I am somehow better than others...

"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him."
- John 3:36

I spent the longest time trying to convince myself and others that God's wrath doesn't "remain" on me. That is the initial state. God's wrath was on me. It doesn't say: "And because so-and-so did such-and-such, God's wrath fell on him." The Bible assumes that my head is set on a chopping block, and the guillotine is ready to be released.

But that's the same as rejecting the Son. Because you wouldn't put your trust in something you don't need. Now, I'm slowly coming to the realization that I need Jesus. I am not a perfect little angel. I am poor, because I live as if I am rich. I would be rich if I knew I were poor.