free to fail

I grew up hearing these words a lot:

"How don't you even know that?"
"Figure it out, you don't need me."

And it's made me to shape a lot of the way I am. I remember many a time in high school when my classmates would be talking about something pop-culturey - and I was just not that cool.

You know that kid who nods his head and pretends to know what he's talking about, completely extrapolating everything from the context of the conversation, but absolutely has no clue what's going on? The one laughing his head off because everyone else in the room is laughing but when someone stops to ask him "So, why are you laughing?", he has no response and he gets flustered because he just wants to fit in.

After hearing it enough, he's too scared to ask questions, too scared to say "I don't know." He's scared to not be at the top of his game, scared that he's not good enough, and so he has to force it. He has to mimic what it means to have it put together, and try his best to keep it together. And with a little wit and a little luck, you can fool most of the world.

"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
- John 3:20-21

It's a bright and freeing day when he realizes he doesn't have to be good enough to be loved. And we've all heard enough teen pop sensations singing about exactly this or guys saying things like that trying to seduce a girl. All very nice and fluffy. And I think to some extent you need to be demonstrated this love through people - but that's only half the picture, because you get a lot of people who are super nice and are always like, "Yeah, you're perfect just the way you are."

But he knows it's not true. He doesn't need someone else to lie to him - he needs a better reason. He needs to hear something different.

"You suck, you absolutely suck. But I have other reasons for loving you. I love you because I adopted you, before you knew what was happening, before you did anything to deserve it. I love you because that's who I am. And here, let me show it to you. 

I gave up what is most valuable to me so you can know who is most valuable. Me. I want you to know me. That's why you are loved. Not because you're beautiful just the way you are, but because I love you."

That's how much I understand of the gospel, so far. I can be me, not because "me" is good, but because "me" is fully loved. I will fail, but God is the lifter of my head; that I will get lost, but Jesus promises to walk alongside me.

The best part? I am free to fail.