day 7, 8, and 9

I'm so behind on these :(. I've had a couple presentations this week and a paper to write and... people visiting from faraway places. And it's been a blast but the introvert in me is screaming - sit down and reflect!

day 7
1) What did you learn in November?
Suffering produces perseverance, which produces character, and character produces hope. (Romans 5:2-4). I said a few prayers to make life a bit more difficult, because I'm realizing that there's no way you can possibly hope in God if life is all good and jolly, put together, and well done. Hope requires suffering, so I'd rather know God with suffering than evade God without suffering.

2) What was difficult for you?
God was challenging me with a lot of things. Where is your heart for the lost? Where is your heart to give? Where is the child who used to pray nightly for his dad's salvation? Do you love the church? Are you thankful? Just to name a few. But more importantly than this, I think my character was being challenged a lot, and I was discovering how little of it I had, deep down below the external layers.

I felt like an egg. There were a few moments when older brothers and mentors challenged me, and it came to a point where I was speechless. Mind you, I don't have many of these moments because I can generally talk my way out of most things. But the shell cracked, the white and yolk came spilling out, and I understood a little bit of what "vulnerable" meant. There is "controlled honesty," and there is "vulnerability," where you are not in control of what happens next, of how people will react, about what you look like, of your image, of how you meet peoples' expectations... and that's where I found myself. My protection was down. I was stumped and helpless, in front of one of my peers, nonetheless, and my skills and talents couldn't save me anymore. This happened around 2 or 3 times this month. So I discover how self-conscious I am. Not that I can do much about it, you know? Shells just have to be cracked.

3) What's your favorite memory from the month?
The juniors blessed us with a... prom-themed night and a dance party. I actually had a lot of fun. I'm thankful that people went to all this trouble to prepare something like that, and it's something I know our class needs because we don't get together very often. And it was a great night just to spend time with my roommates. We walked to the thing, and later walked home together, and it was like... bonding time that I've never had. Not that anything significant happened, but I remember just being able to share with them and talk about stupid things from my life and seeing them hear me out and seeing their empathy and seeing the camaraderie there was a huge blessing for me. It's an answer to prayer.

day 8
1) What stood out this month more than any other month during 1st semester?
Well, yes, the undergrad retreat. But my takeaway was more significant than the events itself. I checked the box, "Commit to running the race with your classmates." Because deep peer relationships was the one slice of life I've been missing all throughout undergrad. And God's been... making it happen. Even this month.

2) What's something you learned about God this month?
God is really deeply concerned with relationships and intimacy. And unless a relationship hurts at times, it's probably not very intimate. Because we're imperfect and we hurt each other, and God is concerned with so much more than that. He's concerned with grace, he's concerned with loving the messiness in every human being and teaching us to love the same in one another.

3) What's something you learned about yourself?
Man, I am utterly sinful and proud. I remember stepping on stage to play guitar and making it just about me. I was thinking, Wow, I need to be significant, I need to show off, I want attention from people. I have silent competitions with brothers around me because I want to be better, I want to be more well-liked, well-known, and... have status (Matthew 23:6). And after I had thoughts like that, I couldn't worship. But then I remembered what it means that "He defeated the grave." The grave is the place where I am so lost and so bound in my own sinful nature that I can't worship God. Jesus defeated it. I'm undefeated because Jesus is victorious and I'm on His side. And that victory is my hope to be able to worship, my strength to empower me to worship, and my joy that I worship.

I messed up, I hurt a few sisters I love, I accused a brother I love in my mind. But every time that I was somehow given the opportunity to ask for grace and forgiveness, I was given it. I'm part of a community and a church that loves me far more than I deserve.

day 9
How have you been blessed by Sunghyun?
I'm thankful for her honesty, that's she's not afraid to be herself in every circumstance and in every case. I'm thankful that she does her utmost to do God's will. I'm thankful that she's a prayer warrior - I'm pretty sure she might pray for me more than I pray for myself. And finally, just for being a friend who's willing to share life together and laugh together and teach me eloquent Korean.