"David longed for water and said, 'Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!' So the Three broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. 'God forbid that I should do this!' he said. 'Should I drink the blood of these men who went at the risk of their lives?' Because they risked their lives to bring it back, David would not drink it. Such were the exploits of the three mighty men."
- 1 Chronicles 11:17-19
Sounds like something straight out of the Lord of the Rings. It's inspiring to see dedication. As for this, some (many) might call it foolishness, and I kinda do too, but it's also loyalty at its finest. It touches my heart, especially after hearing the story of a guide dog (supposedly man's best friend) who led his master out into the middle of speeding traffic (Note: man wasn't hurt). Dogs aren't as trustworthy as loyal subjects are.
I so often worry about the practicality of a situation - and then I make up God's will for my life - God probably wouldn't want me to take a risk here, or there... Thoughts roll through my head, and none of them draw me any closer to knowing God, but simply to the point where I am leading my own life with my own patron saint of sorts. Today's theme: be a loyal servant. To the point of absurdity.
P.S. 1 Chronicles reads like the credits at the end of a movie that's showed on TV. There's a bunch of names that need to be recorded, but no one actually reads them. (At least, I don't).
In the craziness of Finals Week. Procrastination sucks, and it's like this disease that eats you from the inside out, like atopic dermatitis (which doesn't actually eat you from the inside out, but makes your skin really flaky).
Yes, and indeed, in this hectic week, I have found time to play video games, hang out with people, "study", and a bunch of other things that you wouldn't even expect. It's quite bizarre, indeed. And today is Friday, which is supposed to be the "relax" day of the week, but somehow it ended up becoming the "let's crackdown day" for me.
And so I woke up early (pre-sunrise) today, and it's really nice. Not only did I get to enjoy a fully nutritional breakfast, I get the time to just sit and listen to music in my otherwise-silent apartment where 5 roommates (maybe 4, I never know where one of them is...) are quietly off in dreamland.
The things I'm facing these days are bitter battles over my own soul - unapparent from the outside, but the enemy attacks in deception.. and all the while I'm feeling fine, my heart is being clawed at. If it is seized, I can only express one emotion: apathy. And I know that being unable to feel is the most dangerous of feelings; the most suffering that I could experience.
To spur me on for the day, I'm reminding myself now (although I'll probably forget in the next couple hours), that today might be my last chance to show Him I love Him (shamelessly derived from: "this might be my last chance to tell him that You love him"). No second, no minute, no hour can be taken for granted.
Today's the last day of class. Hallelujah.
On the bus ride back from North Campus, I put my iPod on shuffle and got the most bizarre progression of songs: 3 different versions of "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever," which is.. ridiculous, considering the fact that I have 3500+ songs. I guess it's just a reminder to proclaim His love forever in my life.
What does it mean to "love forever," anyway?
I'm looking at the ways I find it hard to love other people - it's when they're two different people in two different places, when I can't be patient enough for God to bring their lives to fruition, when it feels like "it's hopeless" and there's nothing that can be done for them... and if God felt the same way about me, umm...
I have absolutely nothing to write about right now. But at the expense of me writing something completely meaningless, I might as well just describe what's going on - I feel like there's a piece of me that's missing but I don't know what. And for me, growing is like this painful process of putting on cold jeans in the morning in wintry weather: either I decide to endure the pain and put them on because they're going to keep me warm, or I stay in bed all morning and not even bother trying.
Man, I wish there was like.. someone forcing me to do stuff, to follow hard after God, to serve Him, to pray. I guess I realize that's what I'm kinda missing at the moment. I want to follow, I just don't have the energy or the motivation to start. I'm still hiding under the covers.
Apart from the fact that I just need to know that I will fail, and that I need to be willing to accept grace, and apart from the fact that I need to trust that with God all things are possible (and subsequently that what I do really is never going to be effective without God)...
I like this segment:
"...show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned..."
-Titus 2:7-8
I hope I have integrity, and I think it's something I'm working on, but I'm learning how to be more of the same person wherever I go, whoever I'm with.
I definitely need to work on the seriousness part, because I feel like I miss out on so many good conversations because I'm busy being sarcastic or flitting between various irrelevant subjects. If only...
I want to be sound in speech. I give a lot of BS because I just keep on talking. I think if I closed my mouth more and became a silent learner, it would be far better..
The people I look up to are a different breed.
I was sitting through elections at a student organization today, and while everyone was talking about "I can do this," "He is a good candidate," "She can do this," I was staring at the ceiling blankly - wondering when the meeting would come to an end and whether or not the Wisconsin Mac & Cheese would digest before 9 PM. It's not just because I have a complete disdain for positions in general; I hate it when people are obligated to brag about themselves. I really don't blame them personally; that's what they're supposed to do.
I'm beginning to see that the more you need to say to prove yourself, the less qualified you are in the first place. Those who are able to do things without words, who are able to show themselves worthy without having to speak even a word... maybe they'll be overlooked in 99 different elections, but their contributions are pure gold.
The people I look up to don't need fancy election slogans or prestigious positions... they just have the audacity to live life the way they are convicted to. (That's not to say that I don't look up to people who do hold positions. Because it's really what you do, not what your title is that matters.)
P.S. This really reminds me of:
"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."
- Matthew 5:37
Meet Bob. He's all of the 1 centimeter diameter of a festering-bloody-sore-blistery-mess that is on my lower lip. It feels like Jello, and it's dulled my nerves to the point where when I touch it with my index finger I can barely feel anything at all. Bob is the incarnation of every pain and every sin within me. A bloody mess covered with a layer of pearly white.
I need purpose and vision in my life. As much as that sounds like the theme of some inspirational speech delivered courtesy of Mr. Jonathan Sprinkles, it is true. No inspiration ever lasts as long as an eternal one.
Growing up surrounded by international missionaries, I always had to wonder - what are they doing in South Korea teaching over-pampered children who go to an "international" school that has a homogenous Korean-American population? It means a lot more, even looking back on today's sermon and remembering that I need to be faithful with church, relationships, vocation, etc... Everything I do needs to be an offering of praise.
I always think about this whole predestination/free will issue, and how it affects how I should live my life. If I don't do anything, will God bring people to know Him? Sure. If I do something, will God bring people to know Him? Sure. (I mean, technically, that's a maybe either way, but He CAN, right?)
But something hits me:
"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory."
- 2 Timothy 2:10
From God's point of view, there might be the "elect," but from our point of view, all people are people - and we definitely don't know who the "elect" are. That being said, we do evangelism for the sake of praising God by wanting to offer up our lives and help lead these "elect" to Him. No doubt God can bring them there a different way.. but isn't it such a privilege to know that God's willing to use me?
