positivity

I've drowned out the sound of beauty in my life because of my desire for change. Perfectionist as I am, aiming for Mr. Straight-A's-Pro-Athlete-Musical-Virtuoso-Artistic-Genius-Know-It-All meant that I had to find and pinpoint every little wrong thing that was going on in my life. And if I couldn't find anything wrong, then that was wrong. I'm not saying there's no validity to any of this, it's just completely excessive. If I was being hindered from finding God through my brokenness, perhaps it was time to address it.. but creating, finding, and fixing problems for the sake of being perfect was the wrong cause.

Someone last night in LIFE group shared that she was too negative about life and was looking at all the wrong things. Well, me too. Here's a little positivity:

In the past year, God has given me a growing heart for people; He's taken away some of the social insecurities that have caused me to struggle with people; He's been faithful in keeping me in His presence; He's given me a desire to want to be with Him. I've been surprisingly able to ignore these and a hundred other praises. But to make up for it, PRAISE GOD!

I'm writing this down because I'm afraid I'll forget:

I learned that a relationship with God is not at all about becoming perfect.Yesterday, I was reading yet another of those long online arguments between intellectual Christians and pre-Christians and one question that shook me was "Can non-Christians be 'good' without Jesus? It seems absurd that we need Jesus to be 'good.'"

And the thought that seeped into my head (tricky deception) was "What if I can be 'good' without Jesus? Then what need for Jesus do I have? What if I don't care about having a relationship?"

For one blinding moment this morning, it was clear to me that it doesn't matter how "good" I am. We're humans. We have holes. We make mistakes. Job 9:20*. And I spend most of the hours in my day pretending I don't have those holes. I wouldn't have any friends if I spoke out every single thought in my head. They're not very awesome. But God, who knows these thoughts, who knows my holes, wants to send His perfect Son to die for me? That's unfathomable.

Jesus died for me not so I can be "good," but so I can be exactly who I am, with exactly who He is. It just so happens to be that you start to resemble the people you spend time with.

* Job 9:20:
"Even if I were innocent, my mouth would condemn me; if I were blameless, it would pronounce me guilty."