transformation

The question I heard at Sunday sermon yesterday was: "How has Christ transformed your life?"

For fear of worry, I started sifting through my pre-written textbook answers... "joy," "passion," "purpose." Those are the things I desperately wanted to say.

But when people sing songs like "The Change Inside of Me" (MercyMe) and "Meant to Live" (Switchfoot), they sing thinking that something really has changed, that there is a purpose, there is a joy, there is a passion for Christ. But I don't know if that necessarily describes my life too well. I don't know if those are what have been created within me.

So.. how has Christ transformed my life?

I've learned that serving, going to church, being punctual, looking righteous, being obedient are all things that are good and well. But "there is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord" (Proverbs 21:30). And alas, my crafty plan to get into heaven failed. If God is indeed God, he has seen what is in my heart (I haven't even been able to see what's in there), and He knows what I live for. I can't hide anything. None of the things that I listed above can bring faith or love, although they may be byproducts. And as I continued to do these things, I found that after a little while, people stopped exalting me for doing them, and started expecting of me. Expecting more than I wanted to do, to be precise.

Consequently, there is only temporary happiness in doing good things to build up my reputation. When people stop praising me and start asking me to do other things, I can easily get burned out by overwhelming responsibilities. That's when I realize I am human, and that I can do all I can to find success, and it will indeed bring me things, but I will always ask myself why I'm living.

"We were meant to live for so much more." It makes a bit more sense now.

I doubt, I want to question, I want to say that Christianity and Jesus and God and everything is just a figment of my imagination because I made it up to soothe my inadequate animalistic self that is lost in the world because I can't survive in a socially Darwinistic world. But I find that there is no reason in such a world for me to somehow wander my way back to church in senior year, there is no reason for my sister to have been such a faithful Christian, there is no reason for my life to have been so strangely near to God in every place I've been. There is a reason they say the Bible is the word of God - because although so many have questioned its historical authority and authenticity, none have yet questioned its principles (in a sensible way, at least) of God's grace, love, and the true meaning behind Christ's death and resurrection.

And this is true. None can question the strength of God, who gave me the grace, the love, that makes me realize that nothing I do will ever bring me closer to finding purpose. On the contrary, I will begin to realize that I need not do any act. Because although I've learned before that nothing I can do can make God love me less or more, the truth of the matter is that things needed to be done. Some atonement needed to be made. And everything that needed to be done has already been done. Christ is risen.

I've heard this so many different times in my life, but it hits me anew, especially after last week's ACCESS:

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot

No matter how hard I claw and struggle to keep my world intact, I can't keep it. But on the other hand, I can never lose the love of my Father, nor can I lose the eternal life that comes with it. I forget these things constantly.