I don't know
I am a very proud human being. I do everything to feed my ego.. and until I can let go and give God the credit, I'm lost. I don't know how to serve God with a pure heart.I can't wrap my mind around God's love for me and for other people. Why is it that I wake up every morning trying to serve God when I can't even understand the reason for the hope I have? And, what, please tell me, is the hope I have, anyway? I don't know.
I'm not actually as cynical as I sound in this post, but I hate being lost without words, without an answer. I begrudge (is that a word? probably wrong context) the words "I don't know."
I'm declaring it now:
I DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING PUT TOGETHER.
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5 minutes after writing that post above, I ran across this post:
http://razorclown.blogspot.com/2010/01/in-all-its-truth.html
And it reminded me that I live in God's kingdom, and I am not a citizen of this world.
I just remembered asking myself that question last night before going to bed.. What is the reason for the hope that I have? And the answer that I came up with last night was that perhaps one good reason (but not the only one) is that Jesus freed me from the chains of the sin and guilt and the idols and all the things that don't deserve my worship. Is freedom enough of a reason?
I don't think so. I'm making it about what God offers rather than about knowing God in a relationship. I feel like the story of the prodigal son makes some sense of it, but I can't put my finger on it. I guess I can't really fathom a relationship that's so powerful that it overtakes everything. I'm very calloused; my heart needs softening.
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I'd like to say that it's okay, at least as part of our developing understanding of God, to love Him for what He offers us.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to think through that a little more as I go, but the beggar doesn't necessarily understand why his benefactor gives him bread -- and probably hardly gives a second thought to WHY or WHAT SORT of person such a giver must be, just as a baby being provided for initially has no inkling that his parent wants a deeper relationship with him. But as the child grows, the provision becomes a gateway for him to understand what sort of love his parent has for him. And as far as I can see, even imperfect parents here on earth don't resent that learning process. :)
God is no less glorified when we are thankful for the things that He provides -- salvation, freedom, hope (vs. times when we pierce the veil and praise Him for "who He is"). It would be a pity to stay there and feel it unnecessary to learn more of Him (ouch! conviction), but it would also be a pity to be unable to be thankful for the riches of His grace because we are afraid our motives or our gratitude aren't mature enough, wouldn't it? Gratitude often moves us to a deeper love... at least, in this case that's what I imagine happened to the prodigal son as his father lifted him from the dust.