trust issues

I've recently been challenged by a friend to "expand my horizons." And it got me thinking - what if I did let go of all I've ever known and clung onto to delve into something else?

It's that time of year again. Doubts and questions. Is my faith right? Am I right? Am I doing the right thing? And in the midst of it all I realize that to be brutally honest that if you stripped me of my faith and my community at church that I wouldn't be left with much at all. (Perhaps that's a good thing - thank God for safetynets). At Michigan, I see a bunch of different people believing 10 different things and wonder why they're all so stubborn. And why I am, too.

I'm sometimes afraid, or most of the time terrified, of reading up on other faiths. It's a trust issue. I don't think that God would hold on to me if I went on exploring and immersing myself in other things. Or rather, I have this distinct fear that if I go outside the safe walls that enclose me, I'll have to abandon all I've ever known because I was wrong all along. Should I seek truth or comfort?

I don't know where to turn sometimes. It's frequently hard to have faith.

It's funny because this morning, it just suddenly hit me how much I pray with expectancy - too much expectancy - because I feel like I've been an obedient enough Christian to deserve more responsibility and more growth and more change. But maybe God's turning me around and telling me to take it slow... because I realized that for all my prayers, I forgot that all of it is just a product of God's mercy. Without Christ, I would and could be nothing relevant in God's eyes - how could I stand before Him? My wickedness or innocence, whatever I may call it, is going to condemn me because I cannot stand before a perfect God. Righteous men do not always meet a blessed end, and wicked men are not always given their due (Job 9). Poetic justice never happens.

And because poetic justice never happens, it goes to show that God is loving. He loves the adulterers, criminals, prostitutes, politicians, hippies, homosexuals, frat boys, students, lawyers, losers, winners... all these people. He loves me enough to allow me grace no matter what I do, whatever I've done. It's up to me to entrust everything to Him.