making plans

"The Lord protects the foreigners among us. He cares for the orphans and widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.."
- Psalm 146:9 (NLT)

I've recently come to a profound revelation that everything I decide is by my own hand and if I can't do it by myself then I'll avoid it at all costs. What that means is that I plan things out down to the smallest detail, and things usually go as expected. I'm not stupid, and I'm intelligent enough to figure out where my boundaries are and I never cross them.

This explains why I don't pray all too often. My philosophy is more like "Why pray, when you can think?" And though sometimes I will make deeply theological statements (that are true) like "We can't save ourselves" or "We can't change peoples' hearts," I don't live like I believe it. Because if I did believe it, I would spend so much more time praying.

When I was younger, I would pray for safety if my parents were going outside. I was terrified at the prospect of losing them, so especially on stormy days I would say, "God, keep them safe, please, please, please..." They came back every time. Yet, looking back, I never once acknowledged God's sovereignty in keeping them safe. I expected them to be safe, so when I saw them, I acted like a spoiled child - taking everything for granted.

I realized all this when I was praying for my sister who was in the hospital the past few days giving birth, and when it was all over and everything was okay, I think for the first time I remembered to take a step back and thank God. I don't think I've ever done that before.

But still, there's so much more I take for granted. I can't expect people to come to know God as I just watch and wait, making my own plans and inviting them to meet God in my own way and selling happiness and community more than I talk about Jesus. I do meaningless things, planning my own ways instead of depending on Him. And that is exactly why He's telling me I need to learn to surrender.

God, frustrate me when I make my own plans for my own needs, please, please, please...  and help me to thank You for the little things.