now what?

I spent the last 48 hours in bed, in front of the toilet, or on top of it. Agony is a befitting term for the last couple of days.

As I took off work and missions training, I've been getting better and now I'm okay enough to sit on my couch with the laptop in front of me and surf the web and think. I feel as if I'm getting a glimpse of the summer break that will only hit me when I go to Korea for around 3 weeks to stay with my parents. I have absolutely no structure today - no obligations, as I have an excuse to not make it to anything, and really no will to go and do anything.

Because of this lack of structure, I feel insecure. I find myself inadequate when there is nothing left for me to do, when there is no task I can fulfill to try to please God. As I've been sitting here, my thoughts have shifted towards how I'm not helping anyone at the moment and my life is really devoid of any thoughtfulness... and it all comes down to the fact that I feel like I don't love God anymore because I'm not doing anything involving our "FOR THE GOSPEL!" cries.

What's more, I find that as I've been sick... I'm beginning to see how you're not supposed to love people. It is the sick, not the healthy that need a doctor. Even then, the sick don't need the doctor to tell them that they're sick. As people have asked me how I've been doing, I respond normally enough to the "feeling better?" comments. "I'm fine."

I don't mind - I know people care, and I know furthermore that I'll be fine in a day or two. The problem I'm finding is that if I treat people who are at dis-ease spiritually with a "feeling better?" attitude rather than feeling their pain and loving them, then they will never experience my love, let alone Christ's love. Do people who care leave their brethren to fail and fall? Do people who love like Christ did go on with their own lives while their brothers and sisters suffer?

I've been treating people as a task - I share the Gospel with someone not out of genuine care but out of obligation - out of the hopefulness that I might please God with bringing one more to Him. That's the wrong motive. The motive will come, but how long will it take?

reason

They say everything happens for a reason.

I don't think we believe it most of the time. Phrases like "You got lucky!" and "What a coincidence!" wouldn't be said if we thought everything happened for a reason.

I'm finding in myself that I don't find reason for every little conversation I have and every chance encounter I have, but every single one is significant. In one particular supposedly insignificant conversation, I found that when I talk to people, I realize that I do everything I can not to face shame, to the extent of lying and hiding myself.

I won't go into detail, but things need to change. I shouldn't be lying to people, shouldn't be fearing judgment. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. I am rich in spirit... Some spring cleaning is in order, especially before I start doing missions. I need to restore myself to the way I should have been, an honest human being seeking after God's own heart. It's an impossible task to conquer, but taking it step-by-step, I'll get closer than I ever would on my own.

breaking out

I enjoy being in small spaces. I'm claustrophilic (if that's even a word). As a child, I've locked myself in a closet, stuffed myself in a cubbyhole, wrapped myself in a cocoon of blankets... and the list goes on. I've found that I am most secure when I can feel walls on all my sides, knowing that there is no open breeze coming to sneak up behind me.

My personality reflects this. I love keeping myself enclosed, to being vulnerable to a few choice people, to keep a small, close-knit group of friends. I'm slowly realizing why this is wrong. We talk about being "transcultural" at church, yet I've simply grazed the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being exactly that; it's not about how friendly you are to random people you meet who you will never meet again, but it's about getting close with exactly those people who you wish you would never see again.

I hear stories of people being witnesses to non-believers and bringing them to faith. Sometimes I ask, "Why not me? Why can't I do that?"

I find that there's two parts to being a witness.
I. You have to do the things that exemplify Christ-like-ness.
II. You have to spend time with people who are non-believers.

The latter is undoubtedly easier - yet I work less on it than I do the former. How am I to be a witness if I'm still swaddled like an infant? I need to break out of my shell, to find a new home in the world.

... sad

I wasn't planning on writing today, but in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the yard sale, I left my backpack at church.. and consequently I am left with no Bible (which I was planning on reading tonight), no planner (which has my life in it), and no motivation. Needless to say, I'm discovering what a chore reading the Word has become. Today's sermon was about how we should begin to apply it to our lives, and I clearly haven't been reading it beyond its surface, beyond the intellectual level.

I'm drained. More mentally and physically than anything else - even though I feel wide awake, I don't feel like moving. Moreover, I'm finding that I probably should pray or something, but I'm just too lazy to get up off this couch, as uncomfortable as it may be with its sagging cushions.

Missions starts in a week. I'm beginning to get a taste of the spiritual warfare that comes with it. I don't know if I'm as willing as I was a week ago to pour my heart out for the sake of God. I'm troubled when it comes to reaching out to people, since I find that I am so preoccupied with worrying - about myself, about others and their hearts - that I never have a clear faith of what works God can do.

"We sometimes use the term 'savior complex' to describe an unhealthy syndrome of obsession over curing others' problems. The true Savior, however, seemed remarkably free of such a complex. He had no compulsion to convert the entire world in his lifetime or to cure people who were not ready to be cured."
- "The Jesus I Never Knew," Philip Yancey

Jesus wasn't a forceful, worried "savior." He was the Savior. He was willing to put everything in God's hands, even other peoples' souls and his own. Why can't I be that way?

why

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands?'"
- Isaiah 45:9

I ask a lot of questions - most of them directed in exasperation at the one I know that made me. Here's time to take a step back and examine what I've done for Him to gain the right to ask such questions. I shouldn't feel entitled to certain gifts, to certain blessings, yet I do.

rant

McDonald's is hereby declared the winner of "Most Mind-Boggling Business Model" award. I went there twice, last night and today, and I've been realizing some crucially paradoxical things about their business model.

1) It's dumb to kill your most faithful customers by heart attacks. You lose a lot of business that way.
2) You need to make food that is edible for more than two days in a row. And salad that actually has less calories than the burgers on the dollar menu.
3) The counter-people keep asking what size drink I want. All of them are priced at $1. Why ask?
4) Last night, as James, Joe, Mikey, and I were in McDonald's, looking for the cheapest deal for the most food (because we were breaking fast), Joe noted that 3 sets of 4-piece McNuggets were cheaper than 1 10-piece McNuggets. We laughed over it, and James said, "I bet 90% of people don't even realize it though." I said, "Yeah, people are in general too stupid to notice that kind of stuff."

This morning, I bought a 6-piece McNugget set. It cost 2.39. Yet 4-piece McNugget sets cost 1.19. You do the math.

Words come back to bite me in the butt.

the time has come

The usual brisk morning walk to the T-Center delivered me an unexpected gift - the gift of searching my heart, which, quite uncharacteristically, betrayed some of my insecurities and fears about life and faith.

I was frustrated with having to wake up at 6:00 am when I could easily have kept myself sandwiched between my flower-patterned quilt and Nautica down comforter, blissfully curled in a fetal position. I was angry that I couldn't spend time alone in my dreams. I kept asking myself, for the fifteenth time, "Why the heck am I getting up so early?"

After I grudgingly gathered myself up, I splashed some water on my face and trudged to the kitchen for my morning ritual of mountain blueberry Yoplait. I sat down at the dining room table with a metal spoon in my hand, scooping globs of yogurt in my mouth, I said short prayers like, "Father, please, make me care." Because I really didn't.

I walked out the front door, shut it, and locked it, then started walking down the dimly-lit apartment corridor. When I stepped outdoors, a chill went down my spine as a breeze snuck through the hole in the right sleeve of my Quiksilver hoodie. I reached in my pocket for my iPod, unraveled it from the tangled mess of cords, and placed the white earbuds in my ears. I spun through the menus until I got to Songs. I started out by playing Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Days, and set the iPod to Shuffle Albums.

I sleepily began my long walk, singing along an octave lower with my cracking voice. As I was passing by the B-School, the next song began to play, and it was the introduction to a Hillsong United album I hadn't heard in a while. I was about to skip the entire album, when I heard the first line to the song The Time Has Come: "Found love beyond all reason."

I spent most, if not all of my time for the past month and a half trying to reason out my motivation for doing what I do, and the basis for my faith. I am never closer to reaching that goal than I am today. There is no knowing why faith happens, there is no knowing why life happens the way it does. It is beyond all reason. God simply doesn't make sense. And maybe some may take this as a reason not to believe, but I find it is a better justification than any to have faith. If God made sense, if we could put Him into a shape and a mold, He would be no greater than a golden calf, or money, or fame, or any other tangible idol. He is who He is exactly because He is a spirit, not a visible creation.

When we talk about being made in the image of God, all we think about is our physical image. But I think we are made in His spiritual image - because as C.S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." We are not bodies that have souls, but rather, souls that have bodies. We reflect the image of God through our souls, our true self, rather than our bodies. God does not look like Zeus.

As I'm questioning my faith and learning of truth piece by piece, I've found that the greatest insecurity I have about faith is that it doesn't make sense. The pragmatist inside me screams for justice, for logic to take over. Christ doesn't make sense; God doesn't make sense. I want to be okay with that.

servanthood

I hate living with a bundle of lies strapped to my back. They claw at me, chew me from the inside out, and I live most of my life completely unaware. I tell myself I'm being honest, when I bury the facts I should be facing. I pride myself in my vulnerability, when in fact I only reveal the things I think about, which, in fact, describe nothing about me. My thoughts are full of profundity, with only the occasional sputter of personal thought. I'm not open with myself and God, let alone the world.

God is the author of my life. At the moment, I think I'm on the wrong end of a scene chock-full of dramatic irony. I'm the one who's least aware of myself, of my own issues. All I can hope is that it's not going to end as a tragedy.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."
- Philippians 2:3-4

If I'm to be a servant, I need to consider others better than myself. Paul seems to love describing my antithesis. I can barely see myself in a clear light, and this asks me to look outside my comfortable bubble. Do I dare?

weight

As I trudged through the business of the past two weeks with no worries and only joy, I thought I had it made. I finally discovered the joy of life that had eluded everyone, and I thought I was living it all for God.

Complacency. It's what I got trapped in again. Now as I've been asking for more intimacy, all I've gained is a weight on my heart. Before today, I always used to ask the Spirit to intercede for me, to remind me of Christ and salvation, but I never really felt the Spirit there.

That frustrating little weight on my heart just might be the Spirit. I find that with it, it's been easier for me to focus, that I've been yearning to speak to God in a way unlike any other time before. Although it gets annoying at times to have this, to not be as carefree as I was before, maybe this is true freedom. Bondage to Christ, bondage to the Spirit. There is no greater reminder of God's grace than when my heart is not carefree, but care-filled.

My memory verses for the day:
"If you have any encouragement from being with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose."
- Philippians 2:1-2

Fellowship with the Spirit. :)

intimacy

I have been tested and been found wanting. There is uncertainty and doubt churning in my heart, problems still unresolved. If I want to be close with God, it means I must love Christ. But in honesty, I can never bring myself to be able to comprehend, let alone imagine what Christ was all about. Words have come to mean nothing - descriptions of Christ's life are all good and well, but I find it hard to internalize a love for Christ based on words.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
- Hebrews 12:11

I know discipline is something that must be done. I'm trying to keep to it. But until I hit a point where I have an epiphany and I know exactly why I do all the things I do, then my growth in spirituality is at a standstill. That's exactly where I feel I am at the moment - chugging along through a desert all my life, without having any purpose but the journey itself. There have been occasional mirages along the way, but I have no oases to travel towards; no vision to follow.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
- Philippians 1:29

I hope, however, that the suffering that I experience will produce a love for Christ. Jesus was God manifested on earth, experiencing life not only so that he could die to purchase us a place in heaven, but also so he could sympathize with us, knowing our temptations and pains, without succumbing to them. In that same way, we are not only to lay our burdens on Christ by believing on him, but also by suffering for him, so that we might be able to sympathize with the pains that Christ endured for our sake, of even having the Father forsake him.

"And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'"
- Mark 15:34

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today"
- John Lennon, "Imagine"

Thanks, Lennon. Let's imagine. Where would this put us? Would a life without hope, with only an endless desert expanse stretched before us, make us any better off? Would it mean less pain and suffering?

downtime

Sitting in the UGLI computer lab trying to figure out how to make a program efficient. It takes like an hour to run it once, though... so I have a lot of downtime.

We went out to the Diag today to share the Gospel with people. Joe and I got to sit down to this one guy with dreads... and we engaged ... well, no, Joe and I listened to this guy's philosophical views. A lot of it was beyond me; there was a lot of abstract discussion. He said a truth is only true if it is true without requiring language - that we don't have to speak it and explain it in words for it to be alive.
So he asked us, what about our faith is unspoken, yet true?

"I think the unspoken truth about our faith is the fact that... uh... forget what I just said."

It's important to think about these things so that I have an adequate response ready. Although I doubt I will ever again meet a Christian-raised Zen Buddhist-practicing philosophy-majoring yogi, how can I express my faith without words?

Love seems like a good answer. But love's not exclusive to the Christian faith.
Hope? Nope.
Jesus? Yes. But how do I explain Jesus without words? Need I?

gray areas

I recall a moment in The Simpsons Movie where the family is gathered in church, and Grandpa Simpson is rolling on the floor, supposedly uttering a prophecy of the impending doom of Springfield. Homer whips out a Bible and frantically flips through it. "This book doesn't have any answers!" he says.

To Matt Groening and anyone else who participated in writing the screenplay, I would, quite respectfully, beg to differ.

I spent all of my life avoiding questions. Whatever answers I found were through my own experiences and thoughts. Yet this past year, through various struggles, I was shoved out of the comfortable niche I had built for myself. I came to a fork in the road. I had only two choices; I needed to answer certain questions - or have myself turn away from the narrow path.

Spending time with people of other religions, even for a few minutes, has been beneficial. I've begun to ask myself some of the questions I tucked away. "Why is it that people believe in all these different religions if Christ is the truth? If they hear it, shouldn't it be clear?"

The question isn't about the truth. Out of the millions of opinions and beliefs people have, one must be right. That supernatural being out there has to be intelligent enough to bestow at least one person with the truth. The truth is out there. Then why do people refuse it?

We forget. Our perspective is narrow, it is all about the now, not the future. The Israelites who quite literally saw the presence of God, still worshipped idols because they needed instant gratification. People would rather have six-figure salaries, judging happiness and success by the nine-to-five, luxury beach homes, two-year-long marriages and abortions than eternal life. Do they have to get to their deathbed to realize that there has to be something more to live for?

Needless to say, I fall on the wrong side of that question too. Countless times, I've pushed aside what I believe is true for the sake of instant gratification - looking for gray areas and loopholes. But what I've found is that it's not so important whether what I'm doing is a sin or not.. I feel I've racked up enough sins to condemn me. The question is not "Am I doing something wrong? Am I abusing grace?" but rather, "Would I be willing to give up this thing, even if it is not necessarily wrong, so that I can enjoy Christ?"

"'Everything is permissible' - but not everything is beneficial..."
- 1 Corinthians 10:23a