intimacy

I have been tested and been found wanting. There is uncertainty and doubt churning in my heart, problems still unresolved. If I want to be close with God, it means I must love Christ. But in honesty, I can never bring myself to be able to comprehend, let alone imagine what Christ was all about. Words have come to mean nothing - descriptions of Christ's life are all good and well, but I find it hard to internalize a love for Christ based on words.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
- Hebrews 12:11

I know discipline is something that must be done. I'm trying to keep to it. But until I hit a point where I have an epiphany and I know exactly why I do all the things I do, then my growth in spirituality is at a standstill. That's exactly where I feel I am at the moment - chugging along through a desert all my life, without having any purpose but the journey itself. There have been occasional mirages along the way, but I have no oases to travel towards; no vision to follow.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
- Philippians 1:29

I hope, however, that the suffering that I experience will produce a love for Christ. Jesus was God manifested on earth, experiencing life not only so that he could die to purchase us a place in heaven, but also so he could sympathize with us, knowing our temptations and pains, without succumbing to them. In that same way, we are not only to lay our burdens on Christ by believing on him, but also by suffering for him, so that we might be able to sympathize with the pains that Christ endured for our sake, of even having the Father forsake him.

"And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'"
- Mark 15:34

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today"
- John Lennon, "Imagine"

Thanks, Lennon. Let's imagine. Where would this put us? Would a life without hope, with only an endless desert expanse stretched before us, make us any better off? Would it mean less pain and suffering?