now what?
I spent the last 48 hours in bed, in front of the toilet, or on top of it. Agony is a befitting term for the last couple of days.As I took off work and missions training, I've been getting better and now I'm okay enough to sit on my couch with the laptop in front of me and surf the web and think. I feel as if I'm getting a glimpse of the summer break that will only hit me when I go to Korea for around 3 weeks to stay with my parents. I have absolutely no structure today - no obligations, as I have an excuse to not make it to anything, and really no will to go and do anything.
Because of this lack of structure, I feel insecure. I find myself inadequate when there is nothing left for me to do, when there is no task I can fulfill to try to please God. As I've been sitting here, my thoughts have shifted towards how I'm not helping anyone at the moment and my life is really devoid of any thoughtfulness... and it all comes down to the fact that I feel like I don't love God anymore because I'm not doing anything involving our "FOR THE GOSPEL!" cries.
What's more, I find that as I've been sick... I'm beginning to see how you're not supposed to love people. It is the sick, not the healthy that need a doctor. Even then, the sick don't need the doctor to tell them that they're sick. As people have asked me how I've been doing, I respond normally enough to the "feeling better?" comments. "I'm fine."
I don't mind - I know people care, and I know furthermore that I'll be fine in a day or two. The problem I'm finding is that if I treat people who are at dis-ease spiritually with a "feeling better?" attitude rather than feeling their pain and loving them, then they will never experience my love, let alone Christ's love. Do people who care leave their brethren to fail and fall? Do people who love like Christ did go on with their own lives while their brothers and sisters suffer?
I've been treating people as a task - I share the Gospel with someone not out of genuine care but out of obligation - out of the hopefulness that I might please God with bringing one more to Him. That's the wrong motive. The motive will come, but how long will it take?
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I will go ahead and jump on the boat with other people wishing that you become well in the next couple of days! We miss you at missions.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm just like you in this way. I still share the Gospel simply because it's a checkmark I need to put on my Accountability Sheet, not really out of any real sense of desire to share the Gospel. It's embarrassing, but true. Even now, I'm looking for a reason NOT to go out to the Diag and share, like the fact that it's supposed to rain by 4 and that I can't share the Gospel in less than 40 minutes. It's sad, right?
Chris - I have been struggling with my liver problem for past two months. I know how exactly you have been feeling. I feel nauseous for several times a day and take 3 medications daily.
ReplyDeleteGod sometimes forces you to take a break and think about your life, and people around you. Yes, maybe he wants you to check your motive - bcuz you have been running hard - no time to do a heart check.
When people ask u - "feeling better?"
Sometimes, just let them know how you doing in detail than just saying "I am fine." Bcuz people ask because they care so much about you.
That pure motive of genuine care from your friends could be something you might have forgot to have when you share the Gospel with strangers.
Wow - my comment is getting long! I have been reflecting and learning so much about God, myself and this community as I have been suffering with my sickness. I guess trial is "really" good for us.
Let's not forget that: God does not punish us; He disciplines us.
크리스는 잘할수 있을거야 :-) I am proud of you- hwaitting!!
- Eunil
I think some people go through so many years of their lives without ever realizing what you just talked about. I'm glad to hear that God was able to use even the times that you're sick to teach you. It's a challenge for sure! It's funny too because when I was sick earlier this spring, I felt that God revealed a lot of things to me too.
ReplyDeleteThat right motive seems so elusive sometimes. Understanding it is a good start. It may seem like the cliche, easy answer, but it's probably the real answer: just knowing God more; and the more we know and understand who He is, what He's done, the easier it will be to find that right motive.
And lastly, remember to count it all joy! You know what's great? Knowing that God's placed these challenges before you because He knows that you can take it and that it'll only bring you closer to Him!