let it allllll out.

If ever there was a time I wanted to let out a scream, the time is now.

And I have no clue why. It's frustrating to know there is a problem but not being able to pinpoint the issue. I'm feeling a flashback to my childhood days:

"God, please, please, please forgive me.
I lied to my mother, to my teacher about some things.
I wasn't a good boy today but please, forgive me anyway.
I repent, I really really do, of everything that I could have possibly done wrong.
Please, please, please, forgive me for every sin I've committed.
And I pray for everyone in the world."

- Chris, at age 11

As opposed to now:

"God, I know I've learned a lot and I've grown in faith, and it's all thanks to you.
But what can I do better? I hope I've been good enough, I hope I've been pleasing enough to you.
So what have I done to deserve this mounting frustration, emptiness, and apathy? I have an undying hunger to get to know you and seek you, and I want to trust that it doesn't matter who I am or what I do, but it's just so hard to let go, and you know.. let you.
And I hope I've been making the right decisions, spending time with the right people, praying enough, being as obedient as I can be. But if I'm not... then what?"

Have I changed all that much?