overwhelmed

Overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by love.

I've spilled barely a tear, but what's happening in my heart is joy beyond measure.

I know in my heart, in my mind, everywhere, that Jesus is Lord of my life. That God's in control every second of the way. Maybe for the first time in my life.

I know that Jesus loves me enough to take my shame. He took my shame so that I might let go of my pride. Because even when I become naked and bare before God and the world, there is no shame. The shame has been paid for.

I know that Jesus loves me enough to take my sin. He took my sin so that I might realize I never need to be perfect. Because even when I fail and mess up and am disobedient, there is no wrath to face. The sin has been paid for.

My idol has always been holiness, ministry, and Christianity. I guess I subscribed for the longest time to my life being about a religion. And you know.. honestly speaking, I might fall into that trap again. That's who I am. But I trust God will lead me out every time I stumble.

But now I'm learning what a relationship is. I know that I don't need to please God, stand strong and tall in front of the jury of my peers, because that's not who I am. There's no reason to hide, no reason to perform, no reason to act. No reason to despair, because today is the day of the Lord. I rejoice.

I am a sinner, who has tried all his life to reach perfection, improve on life, become a better person.. and now I see why all the doubts were creeping in. What makes Christianity different from Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam... when we're all in the business of self-improvement?

Well, I'm selling my shop. I'm not in that business anymore. I'm in the business of loving God. God doesn't want me to try so hard to impress Him, doing laps around Him, jumping through spiritual hoops, all trying to reach that sense of "good." Plenty of people are good and not Christian. So why would I be Christian?

I am Christian because I am no longer burdened by the stress of becoming good. I am no longer carrying the obligation to serve, to minister, to follow all the rules and impress other Christians and non-Christians. I am Christian because God wants me exactly the way I am. No need for me to get defensive or change. I am naked in public, underdressed; I am wearing sweats at a 5-star hotel. And the manager still wants me there.

All because Jesus died for my sin, all because He died for my shame. All because He allows me to give up my pride at no cost to me. He took the cost. He is love.

I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by love.

On a completely different note, I learn that I suffer from the same plague that perhaps my dad struggles with. He has the struggle of supporting his son financially but not being able to spiritually or emotionally. I sometimes feel like an investment to my father, only good so long as I am competitive with my peers, only good so long as I keep my grades intact. He is proud of me, or maybe proud of himself for raising such a successful son.

And though I have no son of my own, as I've been sponsoring a child in the Dominican Republic, he wrote a letter saying that he likes going to Bible school in spite of the fact that his family is not Christian. He's only 6 and he wants me to pray for his pregnant mother. And I? I've supplied him with food and shelter financially but I've neglected him completely otherwise. Maybe I'm proud of myself for supplying a child with food. Maybe he'll be the president of his country one day and I can be prouder of my financial investment. But for what? I haven't prayed, haven't cared. He's just another checkbox on a list. Is that how my dad feels about me? Is that why I am the way I am?