clutter

What do you think about when you're alone?

Are the thoughts pessimistic or optimistic? Self-serving or selfless?

Your thoughts spell out who you are. And my thoughts betray me, as they show just how lost I am.

I felt like a bum the past couple days just lounging around, hanging out with people, doing nothing... having no tasks, no boxes to check, no obligations to fulfill. And although you'd think that would give me a liberating feeling, no.. in fact it just makes everything I do even more drudgerous. A short week-long break says a lot, and it's definitely telling me that I don't like life outside of routine. I don't really enjoy the fact that there is nothing to do. I don't really want to do anything either... I'm just caught in a state of limbo where I want to keep to myself but at the same time want to do something to make myself feel more productive.

And the idols. Some of the things I really really want from God are in fact things I want and desire more than God himself. And as I think of those things, I wonder to myself why God is important at all. I've replaced Him.

Below all the frills and the decorum, I find myself to be the same person I used to be. Judgmental, self-righteous, self-focused, unable to pray, unable to serve, unable to give. But quite honestly, I don't feel as hopeless as that sentence just made it out to be.. in fact I know that I am quite different, but I can never say I am self-made.

So much clutter in this head. That's who I am. My name is clutter. I am cluttered.