success

You know what? This is going to sound terrible.

I hate hearing stories of people doing good things or succeeding.

I'm only saying that because people are always so caught up on how "good" people can be, and so when you hear stories of people saving lives or changing the world, I think to myself how stressing that one would be for me. If I saved the world, and someone wrote some article about me... Trust me. I would print that one out and wallpaper my entire room (and house, if possible) with it. My ego is not easily satisfied.

And that's exactly why I hate hearing stories like that. First off, it makes me wonder whether I am measuring my worth by how well I do, or from my worth through God's grace. It makes me uncomfortable to think that people can do "good" things apart from God, but that's only because I'm measuring "good" the same way the world does. I'm looking at it the wrong way.

Then, I hate it because I feel like those people are so content with themselves and their lives. Now it reminds me of how Herod is basking in glory when people are treating him like a God and then he gets eaten by worms. He was content, look where it got him. The glory was not going to God.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly, I'm probably jealous somewhere underneath right? I was reading Romans 1 today and it says something about how people are given over to their sins like disobeying their parents, slander, malice, whatever... and envy. I've done all of these things, at one point or another. Except murder, if it's in there.

I'm jealous because I still don't believe with all my heart that Jesus saves. I mean... why should I be jealous of someone who is overconfident in themselves? It is only because in these doubtful moments, I don't believe Jesus is greater, even when I'm a bum and a loser who has not saved the world.

And seeking Christ is definitely something that needs to be kept up. When it says "give us each day our daily bread," what does it mean except that we ask for God to provide for us everyday? We forget and consume so easily. I hear the Gospel, understand it one day, lose it within the next 30 minutes, and I have to come back to God again. I'm like a parasite. I really can't exist without God.

It's like eating Fruit Roll-Ups. Stuff one in your mouth, you're satisfied and your tongue turns blue or yellow or red, but the thing is gone and you're not full. You can still taste some of it on your saliva, but you want more. You want the whole box. More boxes. More and more.

Just kidding. That's the worst analogy ever, because I definitely get sick of Fruit Roll-Ups. But I know I get sick of chasing after God sometimes. When I get so caught up in myself and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Those are the times I need Him all the more.