Sitting in Victors Dining Hall, studying/listening to music with my new noise-canceling earphones. I just discovered this band called "FM Static," a Canadian pop-punk band, and listening to a few of their singles takes me back to my really super-emo high school days. (They sound like Dashboard Confessional, if that makes anything clearer. It's really hard not to get emo when you listen to music like that.)
If anyone's curious:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbFlHd1GP1w
Well, anyway, these earphones are incredible. They drown out the din of the two-hundred or so people downstairs having lunch. I can pretend they're not there. No distractions at all.
And that reminds me. Yesterday, I had dinner with one of my friends, and as we were walking down the street to Ben & Jerry's for free cone day, he asked one of those profound "I am not of this world" questions:
"Do you ever wonder how humans decided to put metal and rubber and plastic together to make cars? Or computers?"
(If anyone accuses me of misquoting, he didn't say it exactly like that, but that was the point.)
I think it has something to do with the fact that humans always have to be doing something, making something. And maybe the reason is for a "higher quality" of life, but I thought that if a "higher quality" of life meant that we were gonna be floating around, WALL-E-esque, in techno-bubbles, I would rather be one of the GEICO cavemen.
We always have to be distracted. I think of the times that I sit on my couch and watch TV or play video games and whatnot, and often I rationalize what I'm doing with the excuse that I need to rest. I just end up not sleeping and getting even more tired. God invented sleep for a reason, Chris.
And if I think that God created the Garden of Eden without any computers, TVs, GPAs, sports teams, or anything else that always gets me confused, I just realize that these are all things we have so we can drown out the yells and cries of God.
Jesus is taking my earphones and throwing them out the window so I can hear Him. It was never the sounds of people and relationships, but the things that I was using to block out those sounds that were the distractions. Don't let anything convince you otherwise.
... by the way, I put new meaning into "Free Cone Day." Five steps away from the counter, I took a lick and my ice cream scoop fell to the ground and rolled a few feet. I had a free cone, no free ice cream. :(
I feel as if I'm taking a sobriety test; to put one foot directly in front of the next, without tipping either to the left or to the right. Treading the delicate line between grace abuse and self-righteousness.
grace abuse - n. the act of taking the cross for granted, expecting Jesus' love, saying that one needs not do anything or make the right choices or stop sinning because the cost of one's actions are paid for by Jesus Christ
self-righteousness - n. the act of living life without any consideration or opportunity for Jesus to work, being self-dependent and feeling good about being "good"
I've always been the latter, but I realize the danger of the former. I want to be in between, able to understand Christ's love for me and to learn to love Him back naturally. But there's no surprise. This is a process too.
Overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by love.
I've spilled barely a tear, but what's happening in my heart is joy beyond measure.
I know in my heart, in my mind, everywhere, that Jesus is Lord of my life. That God's in control every second of the way. Maybe for the first time in my life.
I know that Jesus loves me enough to take my shame. He took my shame so that I might let go of my pride. Because even when I become naked and bare before God and the world, there is no shame. The shame has been paid for.
I know that Jesus loves me enough to take my sin. He took my sin so that I might realize I never need to be perfect. Because even when I fail and mess up and am disobedient, there is no wrath to face. The sin has been paid for.
My idol has always been holiness, ministry, and Christianity. I guess I subscribed for the longest time to my life being about a religion. And you know.. honestly speaking, I might fall into that trap again. That's who I am. But I trust God will lead me out every time I stumble.
But now I'm learning what a relationship is. I know that I don't need to please God, stand strong and tall in front of the jury of my peers, because that's not who I am. There's no reason to hide, no reason to perform, no reason to act. No reason to despair, because today is the day of the Lord. I rejoice.
I am a sinner, who has tried all his life to reach perfection, improve on life, become a better person.. and now I see why all the doubts were creeping in. What makes Christianity different from Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam... when we're all in the business of self-improvement?
Well, I'm selling my shop. I'm not in that business anymore. I'm in the business of loving God. God doesn't want me to try so hard to impress Him, doing laps around Him, jumping through spiritual hoops, all trying to reach that sense of "good." Plenty of people are good and not Christian. So why would I be Christian?
I am Christian because I am no longer burdened by the stress of becoming good. I am no longer carrying the obligation to serve, to minister, to follow all the rules and impress other Christians and non-Christians. I am Christian because God wants me exactly the way I am. No need for me to get defensive or change. I am naked in public, underdressed; I am wearing sweats at a 5-star hotel. And the manager still wants me there.
All because Jesus died for my sin, all because He died for my shame. All because He allows me to give up my pride at no cost to me. He took the cost. He is love.
I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by love.
On a completely different note, I learn that I suffer from the same plague that perhaps my dad struggles with. He has the struggle of supporting his son financially but not being able to spiritually or emotionally. I sometimes feel like an investment to my father, only good so long as I am competitive with my peers, only good so long as I keep my grades intact. He is proud of me, or maybe proud of himself for raising such a successful son.
And though I have no son of my own, as I've been sponsoring a child in the Dominican Republic, he wrote a letter saying that he likes going to Bible school in spite of the fact that his family is not Christian. He's only 6 and he wants me to pray for his pregnant mother. And I? I've supplied him with food and shelter financially but I've neglected him completely otherwise. Maybe I'm proud of myself for supplying a child with food. Maybe he'll be the president of his country one day and I can be prouder of my financial investment. But for what? I haven't prayed, haven't cared. He's just another checkbox on a list. Is that how my dad feels about me? Is that why I am the way I am?
I've drowned out the sound of beauty in my life because of my desire for change. Perfectionist as I am, aiming for Mr. Straight-A's-Pro-Athlete-Musical-Virtuoso-Artistic-Genius-Know-It-All meant that I had to find and pinpoint every little wrong thing that was going on in my life. And if I couldn't find anything wrong, then that was wrong. I'm not saying there's no validity to any of this, it's just completely excessive. If I was being hindered from finding God through my brokenness, perhaps it was time to address it.. but creating, finding, and fixing problems for the sake of being perfect was the wrong cause.
Someone last night in LIFE group shared that she was too negative about life and was looking at all the wrong things. Well, me too. Here's a little positivity:
In the past year, God has given me a growing heart for people; He's taken away some of the social insecurities that have caused me to struggle with people; He's been faithful in keeping me in His presence; He's given me a desire to want to be with Him. I've been surprisingly able to ignore these and a hundred other praises. But to make up for it, PRAISE GOD!
I'm writing this down because I'm afraid I'll forget:
I learned that a relationship with God is not at all about becoming perfect.Yesterday, I was reading yet another of those long online arguments between intellectual Christians and pre-Christians and one question that shook me was "Can non-Christians be 'good' without Jesus? It seems absurd that we need Jesus to be 'good.'"
And the thought that seeped into my head (tricky deception) was "What if I can be 'good' without Jesus? Then what need for Jesus do I have? What if I don't care about having a relationship?"
For one blinding moment this morning, it was clear to me that it doesn't matter how "good" I am. We're humans. We have holes. We make mistakes. Job 9:20*. And I spend most of the hours in my day pretending I don't have those holes. I wouldn't have any friends if I spoke out every single thought in my head. They're not very awesome. But God, who knows these thoughts, who knows my holes, wants to send His perfect Son to die for me? That's unfathomable.
Jesus died for me not so I can be "good," but so I can be exactly who I am, with exactly who He is. It just so happens to be that you start to resemble the people you spend time with.
* Job 9:20:
"Even if I were innocent, my mouth would condemn me; if I were blameless, it would pronounce me guilty."
"I start realizing that this is the first time I have encountered beauty in nature. I've read poems that have made my heart race. I've read scenes in novels that have caused me to close the book, set my head in my hands, and wonder how a human could so brilliantly orchestrate words. But nature has never inspired me until now. God is an artist, I think to myself. I have known this for a long time, seeing His brushwork in the sunrise and sunset, and His sculpting in the mountains and the rivers. But the night sky is His greatest work. And I would have never known it if I had stayed in Houston. I would have bought a little condo and filled it with Ikea trinkets and dated some girl just because she was hot and would have read self-help books, end to end, one after another, trying to fix the gaping hole in the bottom of my soul, the hole that, right now, seems plugged with Orion, allowing my soul to collect that feeling of belonging and love you only get when you stop long enough to engage the obvious."
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts (p. 226-227)
"... Relationships between men and women indicate something of the nature of God - that He is relational, that He feels love and loss. It's all metaphor, and the story is about us; it's about all of us who God made, and God Himself, just enjoying each other. It strikes me how far the commercials are from this reality, how deadly they are perhaps. Months ago I would have told you life was about doing, about jumping through religious hoops, about impressing other people, and my actions would have told you this is done by buying possessions or keeping a good image or going to church. I don't believe that anymore. I think we are supposed to stand in deserts and marvel at how the sun rises. I think we are supposed to sleep in meadows and watch stars dart across space and time. I think we are supposed to love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming why of life. I think life is spirituality."
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts (p. 245)
Do you know the feeling of walking out of Best Buy with your brand-spanking-new shiny iPod?
I don't. I ordered mine from the Apple Store.
But anyway, about that feeling. That feeling of invincibility, that nothing can tarnish or scratch your beautiful, overpriced miracle of modern machinery because you WILL take care of it. You know it will not go the way of your old laptop, your old car, and all your other toys, because you are in charge, and it will last forever. Perhaps you'll get a nice case for it, too.
Ah, the bliss..
Fast-forward to that first time your fingers stutter as you attempt to pull it from your pocket, and it falls to the concrete.. The anodized aluminum, for the first time, presents distorted reflections and you see the scratch across the formerly pearly surface.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO @#%&@ )T*@){ !)T !*@)R%! *!!!!"
Anyway, once you get over it, you don't care anymore that oily fingerprints smudge the screen or that it is neatly tucked away in its pouch... in fact, you don't even care that your most klutzy of friends touches the thing. Such is the nature of owning expensive things. They are only worth protecting if they're in mint condition.
*Note: If none of this applies to you, maybe I'm overgeneralizing my perfectionism to the rest of the world. Sorry about that.
I think I'm like that with my grades. Up till now, I've kept them in the best condition possible, but I'm realizing how much it matters to me. I don't want to learn, I don't want to glorify God, I want a high GPA. And as I know how stupid that sounds, I also realize how hard it is to let go of stupidity. And perhaps it in itself is not a bad thing, but then in a more real sense, sometimes good things become terrible things because I want them for the wrong reasons - whether that is to make my parents happy, feed some inner desire for prestige and success, or for the sake of perpetuating some kind of reputation.
And what's gonna happen if I stumble and have to face that first scratch? Life will go on, but I hope I don't end up chasing after the wrong things.
What do you think about when you're alone?
Are the thoughts pessimistic or optimistic? Self-serving or selfless?
Your thoughts spell out who you are. And my thoughts betray me, as they show just how lost I am.
I felt like a bum the past couple days just lounging around, hanging out with people, doing nothing... having no tasks, no boxes to check, no obligations to fulfill. And although you'd think that would give me a liberating feeling, no.. in fact it just makes everything I do even more drudgerous. A short week-long break says a lot, and it's definitely telling me that I don't like life outside of routine. I don't really enjoy the fact that there is nothing to do. I don't really want to do anything either... I'm just caught in a state of limbo where I want to keep to myself but at the same time want to do something to make myself feel more productive.
And the idols. Some of the things I really really want from God are in fact things I want and desire more than God himself. And as I think of those things, I wonder to myself why God is important at all. I've replaced Him.
Below all the frills and the decorum, I find myself to be the same person I used to be. Judgmental, self-righteous, self-focused, unable to pray, unable to serve, unable to give. But quite honestly, I don't feel as hopeless as that sentence just made it out to be.. in fact I know that I am quite different, but I can never say I am self-made.
So much clutter in this head. That's who I am. My name is clutter. I am cluttered.
