doubts and faith

Yesterday and today, it's been really hard for me. I feel like all this time this semester I've been complacent with my current walk with God, and so now it all hits me in a flash. I've been doubting so much it hurts to think, I've been frustrated all day and I just wish I could find an answer. I know that I have two decisions at this point - give up all my doubts and fears and submit to God, or stop believing in Him. The former is where I want to go.

I know that if there was no God, then really and truly, I would have nothing to live for. Makes me stop and wonder what nonbelievers live for... because if it's nothing eternal it's really worthless. In that sense my dilemma is between temporary happiness and eternal happiness, and it's a choice and a sacrifice I have to make to give up a little happiness now to bask in eternal joy later. It scares me that people call themselves ex-Christians or post-Christians - I hope I never turn that way.

"Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root."
- Matthew 13:5-6

This is who they are.

I think another reason why this crisis of faith is coming upon me is because I asked for humility. I know that I've been constantly asking for it, but when I'm actually tested and I am given the choice to submit myself to the fact that I know nothing and that I am not as God, I become doubtful because I'm unwilling to give up my place as the lord of my own life. Also, as I've grown in faith over the past year, I've been indifferent about certain issues and questions I've had about my faith because I was scared that the questions would cause me to turn away. Turns out, they come back to haunt me anyway, so it's time to deal with them.

I still want to find comfort in the fact that this time in the darkness is when I will struggle with my fears. But when I emerge victorious with God by my side, I can look back and see my growth - and I know that the more I grow, the bigger the challenges get. Pray for me so I can pull through.