whack

I feel whack. I'm not sure if there's any way to express how I feel. I mean it has to be a disease or something when you're sitting and you know what you want to believe in but sometimes it's just hard to get to the point of saying you do believe in something. Sometimes I just hope the tears will flow from my eyes as an affirmation of the fact that I do believe, that I have faith in something worth living for. Sometimes I wish that the chills will come down my spine in confirmation that there is something more than what I've been thinking about.

Complexity made simple. It's what my life needs to be like. Simply understanding the Gospel and knowing God is the hardest part for me - I still care for myself so much. I found I am sinful yet I'm unable to realize that I am sinful. Deep within I still think I'm a good person. I just find reason after reason to serve myself. The tragedy is that I know I need to live in service - by God's grace - yet I make my life a duty. And when I try to pry myself away from the duties, I find myself lost because I know no other purpose in the world. Living in the freedom I know... I can't do it. I hope to live in the freedom I have faith in.