breaking (quite literally)

Our LIFE group time today was anything but routine.

Normal procedure is as follows:
1) Sit and wait for everyone to show up ~20 minutes late.
2) Pray and sing a song for about 5~10 minutes.
3) Get Bible study. Break into small huddle groups. Set time limit that no one actually follows.
4) Get back together, discuss, share.
5) Give announcements.
6) Eat, talk.
7) Leave, see each other next Tuesday.

Today:
1) Sit and wait for everyone to show up ~20 minutes late.
2) Give announcements, eat.
3) Pray and sing songs for... I don't actually know how long.
4) Talk about how hard praying was.
5) Go to the gym.
6) Do a one and a half hour death workout led by a D1 athlete.
7) Study.

Whoa. This is good. I've been praying about not having routine, and yeah. That's what I get.

Not only that, but this morning, there was a lingering anticipation for our gathering that settled in for the day. I don't think I've ever been so excited to have Bible study (which, as noted above, didn't actually happen). And of course, around 6:30, the hour before LIFE group, I lose the excitement. Because that's how things tend to work out. Whether that's the enemy or just my frailty, I don't know.

But really. As we were praying, I literally felt the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt it in a while (and actually, maybe only once or twice before). To the point where my eyes were closed but things were bright, and I couldn't open my eyes. But that's beside the point...

After we prayed for what was half an eternity (my freshman year, I would've said it was two eternities), our LIFE group leader had a few things to ask.

Mr. Leader: How many of you guys were challenged while you prayed? And what were you challenged about?
Me: Well, I was challenged to understand the gospel more and to reflect on it more.

I think I said this because while we were praying, not much of anything seemed to make sense and praying with my mind was harder than anything. And looking back, I don't remember much, except that I was compelled to pray through John 1 (the whole part about the Word becoming flesh and making his dwelling among us), John 3 (yes, God loved the world and gave His Son to save it, and that people need to come into the light), and that line in the song "Hosanna" - "break my heart for what breaks Yours." Because I don't think it has yet.

And yes. I felt quite satisfied with myself after praying because even if I wasn't focused and didn't really know what the heck I was doing, at least I had a metaphysical experience.

Then we headed over to the CCRB (the gym) for a life application. Don't see the obvious tieback? Let me help you out:

Exercising our spiritual muscles in prayer and perseverance is a lot like pressing on in working out.

Okay. So when we're walking over, this is what I'm thinking. "Chris, you got this. Being more athletic than other people and having more endurance is what you've always been all about." And this self-confidence comes from my reputation. Growing up playing soccer all the time, I didn't have size, I didn't particularly have strength, nor skill, but I had a little speed and a TON of endurance. I would be running long after everyone had given up and passed out. And for some reason, I still think highly of myself that I can probably push myself harder than any other people can.

Then:


A mile, four sets of suicides, some pushups, and an ab workout later, I found myself on the floor, unable to move. The last couple seconds that I was running, I felt giddy. And I couldn't open my eyes. That's never happened to me before. And I was on the brink of regurgitating the chicken and potatoes I had for dinner. I felt dead.

And for some reason, this verse kept popping in my mind:

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
- John 12:24

I just discovered how self-sufficient I actually am. I was talking with someone earlier about rating our own self-sufficiency on a scale of 1-10. I thought about it, but I don't think I could give a definitive answer. But thinking even about my physical self-sufficiency - I always find my own comfort, my own convenience, enough sleep; I plan out my days so that I don't have a chance for faith. My self-sufficiency is at like... a 10. If that's even possible. Maybe more like a 9.5 now.

I think I'm on the verge of being "broken," so people describe it. It's just what's been on my mind, and despite past warnings of people saying "be careful what you wish for," I think I want to learn to die several times over again.