I am the one who is blessed when I am obedient.
Maybe at one point it hit me today, but prayers and missions shouldn't be a chore. I mean I just got to have the most awesome conversation with a friend about God, and I really wouldn't have had it any other way. To think I was hesitant to share the Gospel with him because I was lazy... that's just a lack of perspective on my part.
And I used to think that if I do this for God, then God will give me what I want. Like rest, like a lazy day, like good grades, joy, less struggles, blessings... whatever. But I realize I really don't believe in the prosperity gospel. I do things for God, but that don't make Him love me more. It just helps me to realize why I'm grateful everyday that God gives me life and a purpose, and because of it I'm able to talk to people and be blessed in the way that I can minister to them. The act itself is a blessing. Obedience is a blessing. No strings attached.
(Except for the fact that God is a master puppeteer and I am a good-for-nothing Pinocchio who has an exceptionally long nose and perhaps will never become a real boy. But you know what? I'm okay with that. Dancing along to the strings is so much more worthwhile and purposeful then trying to beat out the world on my own and somehow be someone I'm not meant to be.)
My ECON GSI is kind of bitter at the world. Very cynical.
Today he walked into class and had to erase the chalkboard because someone had drawn a dinosaur on the board and tagged it with the word "DoRAK." He wasn't too happy.
"I'm assuming DoRAK is a guy, because it doesn't sound like a girl. Whoever this DoRAK is, someone needs to give them a kick in the *****."
Sad. I see the irony in the fact that DoRAK stands for "Do Random Acts of Kindness" and they were drawing pictures and writing encouraging messages in classrooms. And although I'm not part of the organization and never plan to be, just reminds me how often when we look at things from the wrong perspective, they give off the wrong impression. A dinosaur can be an annoyance to an ECON GSI, but an encouragement to someone who's studying and slightly depressed at the monotonicity of the world.
Like when you look at God from the wrong perspective, He's an annoyance. Always wants you to go somewhere, be someone, trust something, love people, change the world... whatever. But when you know what's up, you find out all He wants to do is love you.
I've had so much trouble this past year and a half struggling with reaching out to people. Everything that's laid on my heart seems like a chore. I think I'm slowly learning why it's a problem.... inviting them out to LIFE group or church or sharing the Gospel with them was all about the results and about the time I would waste when I failed.
Outside the Michigan League's back entrance, someone permanently stenciled in LOVE > FEAR in white on the bricks. And though I'm sure it was some liberal hippie that did it, it is true.
"...perfect love drives out fear..."
- 1 John 4:18
P.S. I just went on biblegateway.com to find the reference to that verse, and one of the editor's book picks on the front page was "Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear" by Max Lucado. Maybe I should check it out sometime?
I often call myself a bad witness of Jesus Christ, but to say otherwise would be foolishness. I know I'm not expected to be perfect, but sometimes I do... but me being a good person does not guide anyone to Christ - rather it is my insufficiencies and my vulnerabilities that will allow people to see why I need Christ, that will allow them to see how God's grace is so necessary in my life.
And I should never present myself otherwise, or I would be a hypocrite, an actor.
It's stupid but after I pray for something, I don't follow through with what I get.
I ask God for anointing for ministry, and He gave it to me. He gave me an opportunity, reassured me, yet I was still unwilling to take the step of faith to do it.
I told myself to take risks and fail but now I end up not taking risks and failing. And it feels oh so much worse because there is nothing to appease my conscience with.
The problem was never that Jesus loved me, the problem was that I love Jesus back, by obeying his commands. I'm an idiot.
P.S. I wonder, really what is the point in praying if I don't live out what I pray?
P.P.S. I just realized. I prayed that I would take risks so that I could fail and understand even how Christ's grace covers over me. But if I came to the point where I was willing to take risks, I would probably have gotten all self-righteous and really, I would've gone farther from following Christ and his love. My complete and utter failure (of not even trying) shows me that I am a sinner in need of grace. God does answer prayers, huh? (Just not in the way that I want...)
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
- Luke 22:42
My heart trembles when I think of letting God's will rather than mine be done in my life. All I care about is doing things for myself. If serving God means putting myself out there and facing rejection and failure, I'm reluctant. The answer seems so simple. Let His will be done.. But it's hard to let go.
I will so willingly join a student organization for myself - if it means my resume looks better. But if it is for God and it means it's an opportunity to make meaningful relationships, as God is showing me, my heart balks at the thought and a heavy burden sets in. I ask for burdens when I don't have them, but when I get them, I'd much rather be comfortable.
It's so hard to say: not my will, but Yours be done.
"Joab son of Zeruiah began to count the men but did not finish. Wrath came on Israel on account of this numbering, and the number was not entered in the book of the annals of King David."
- 1 Chronicles 27:24
My measure of "doing well" is often in the numbers - in the numbers of people coming to know God, in my grade point average, in the amount of time invested in something.
But when I am one man strong, having no imprint of success on the earth, yet I know I am prospering in God's kingdom, it is so much more worth it. It's more worth it to be with God and to be a failure in numbers than it is to have numbers with God confronting me rather than supporting me.
This verse is one of many that talk about censuses and counting men - as if to reaffirm the strength of the army. In a modern-day perspective, it's not all that important how many Christians are in the world or in our churches. Our strength is not flexed in manpower - our strength is not even found in man.
"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another..."
- 1 Peter 5:5b
I always know how to clothe myself with modesty, not humility. Modesty's just a transparent veil that I put over the pride I have. Humility, on the other hand, is complete and utter dependence - the opposite of self-sufficiency.
I want to wear the coat of humility, so that when I serve, I serve willingly knowing my strength is not my own.
I've been walking around looking forward to this semester in a lot of different ways. I feel like I'm going to be academically challenged for the first time since stepping on campus, and that's going to take a toll. I want to know that I am young in heart, mind, and stature. I have a lot of growing to do. I am going to have to fight to be willing to learn, to be willing to expend my energy on more than myself.
I want to be a servant evangelist. To share the good news, not as my own agenda, but all for love. Evangelism is stressful when it is my duty. Thankfully, it's not:
"Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how."
- Mark 4:27
I don't know how people come to know Jesus. I don't know what I'm supposed to do half the time. But however much I stomp on the ground or mess with the seed, that will not make it sprout.
