confidence

There are always different ways to look at different situations. When I feel down and super emo, I'm tempted to look at the downside and how I'm falling down a depressing hole and no one is going to save me. Sometimes I need to look on the bright side and know that I'm only all emo because I heard something that's true that I didn't want to hear - or because I'm realizing I'm not as good as I seemed.

Someone suggested I'm not all that self-reflective this weekend, and to be honest, I think that's true. I'm very good at telling people what they want to hear.

"I'm struggling with learning how to serve God. I really am having a hard time surrendering my faith to Him."

I mean, honestly, anyone can say that anytime.

I feel like this Lent season has really shown me what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus doesn't want all my devotion, and I shouldn't want what Jesus gives, I should want Jesus. And today on Easter Sunday, I felt no particular emotional/spiritual high, but I am still content because I know Christ remains with me.

Perhaps I'll write this down now so I don't forget:

I'm very forgetful. Ask me what God has done in my life the past year and everything will just be a blank mess. Ask me what I learned last week and I wouldn't be able to tell you. I'm not sure why I'm like this.

I'm very messed up in a lot of ways. But perhaps instead of seeing it like a burden that I need to struggle through and improve on using some sort of Confucian standard (I'm saying Confucian because every Chinese fortune cookie seems to talk about success and how to obtain it).

I used to believe it was my faithfulness in prayer, or my crazy efforts to overcome these failures that would change me, but no. No more of this:

Chris, you just woke up for morning prayer. God has to bless you.
"Jesus, please change me and help me to change... I need you."

More of this:

Chris, it doesn't matter that you're here or not. It's awesome that you get to spend time with God.
"God, I am confident that you will change me and make me more like you, for I know Jesus dwells with me and died for my sake - so that I could approach you like this and ask a father as a son, confident that I am loved and confident that I have already been given everything I need. I am confident you love me the way I am."

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."
- 2 Corinthians 3:4-6