metronome

My thoughts swing back and forth. I never seem to be able to find a middle ground, to discover a fitting tempo. I am consumed by too much zeal or too little passion; excessive comfort or foolish adventure; an overinflated ego or utter shame.

As a metronome.

I am never able to stop, swinging back and forth with the rhythms of life. My notes follow that progression. I am not in control; in fact, one day I wake up with the right heart, the next with a ridiculous fantasy of a god I can't trust.

Still ticking away. Click, click, click...

I struggle with the same things over and over again. A big head, selfish time management, love only for myself, fulfilling tasks and obligations, getting lost and lost again in the very things that Jesus came to free me from. I feel as if I messed up big time today. (add to that list: "dwelling on my failures")

Beyond all the vague specifics, beyond what people can judge of me, I know so deeply and so truly that I love myself above all other things. I love attention, I love it when people love me. I enjoy being elevated, I enjoy receiving a hundred times more than giving. Well - receiving all the wrong things.

I can see myself as that kid (or, perhaps, his clueless younger sister) on Youtube opening an N64 and being so, so excited. So excited. "NIIINTEEENDOOO 64!!!!!!!" About what is nothing. I could buy one with my own meager income now. What seemed like such a big deal when I was a child. And I hope that as I grow up, the things that I'm idolizing so much now will no longer be important. Only the One who matters.

Stop this clicking. I want to be free.