life now

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."
- Matthew 20:16

Sometimes, I have this itchy thought. I have a lot of itchy thoughts about things I know nothing about, like why there is pain, stuff like that. I never really want to scratch those ones. And I don't want to mess with this thought either. Which is why I'll write about it and then forget about it for the rest of my life.

I only ever referred to that verse up there when I was a sore loser and I felt like telling the winner that they're going to get their comeuppance some day in the future. I don't think I really believed it though. I had sour grapes. Lots of tart, sour grapes.

I wonder though, in Christian life, whether that is true. I mean, we say "everyone's a sinner," but do we really believe it? Do we really believe the last will be first, and the first will be last?

Intrinsically, I love to compare myself with others and say, "That person only comes out to church once a week. I come out more than that. I must be a better person. Therefore, God must love me more."

And I don't get what that verse above actually means, but the way I interpret it now, I will definitely not be first.

One story that pops into my head is that of Darwin's supposed deathbed acceptance of Christ. Honestly, I thought this was a big deal when I was in high school. I mean, what better way to debunk evolution than to say that its founder switched over from the dark side?*

But as I look at this story, I wonder if people like Darwin will be the first in heaven. The murderers; the ones that you react with a gasp to when you hear they got second chances. The serial killers who accepted Christ right before they are electrocuted and you think how unfair it is that they got that chance.

I wonder if the first will not be people like I am: the faithful Christian. I wonder.. if I live seventy years as a faithful Christian, I would expect something extravagant for myself in heaven (and there is merit to the thought that we will receive our heavenly treasures when we die - Matthew 6:19-21). And so I endure the pain now, and I tell myself it's worth it.

But I think for myself, and perhaps a lot of other people, we take so much stock in this idea of delayed gratification. To be honest, I think we're receiving a lot of the benefit of what we expect later now. And there's more, but we don't even appreciate what we already have. Living every day with Christ dwelling within us for seventy years... how's that for a thought instead of seventy years of living a painful Christian life? Life is already joyful (though yes, again, I'm sure it'll be even more so in heaven).

"Yes, Jesus did, as Paul says, die for our sins, but his whole agenda of dealing with sin and all its effects and consequences was never about rescuing individual souls from the world but about saving humans so that they could become part of his project of saving the world. "My kingdom is not from this world," he said to Pilate; had it been, he would have led an armed resistance movement like other worldly kingdom-prophets. But the kingdom he brought was emphatically for this world, which meant and means that God has arrived on the public stage and is not about to leave it again; he has thus defeated the forces both of tyranny and of chaos—both of shrill modernism and of fluffy postmodernism, if you like—and established in their place a rule of restorative, healing justice, which needs translating into scholarly method if the study of the Gospels is to do proper historical, theological and political justice to the subject matter."
- N.T. Wright

I think this is interesting. If we knew that God has arrived and isn't about to leave, and that the victory is already won, why do we struggle so much? It's an awesome privilege just to be part of the mission. The pain we face is infinitely worth it - because we face it as God's arms encircle us. Isn't that something for instant (but maybe not very tangible) gratification?

*As a disclaimer, I don't really care about the whole creationism vs. evolution thing. It wrapped up so much of my thoughts in high school. But my faith doesn't hinge on one small debate anymore. Faith like that isn't worth having. I have faith in a relationship.