warming up

I grew up thinking I was an extrovert. Part of the reason was that when I was very young, my sister introduced me to Myers-Briggs tests, and I took a couple of them. They always had questions like "Do you like being with people?" or things like that. And as a young child, I thought it would be good to fudge my answers and say, "Yes, I do derive my energy from being with people." I also wanted my personality type to be an "E" instead of an "I"... "E" for excellent, "I" for incomplete!

But anyway. Recently, we had to investigate our personalities to understand team dynamics for my summer job as an orientation leader, and I think I fudged my answers again and ended up with an "E." Then we had a session and someone explained about each aspect of a personality type, and I am thoroughly convinced that I am an "I": introvert.

So let's make that clear. Chris is an introvert.

Where this all comes into life is that I am not that big of a fan of meeting people. Although I derive so much comfort from being around people I am comfortable with, putting myself out there and talking with people drains me like... like... like a toilet flush (insert appropriate metaphor).

Every time I muster up the energy to step out the door and share a meal with someone, it's like walking to the doctor's office to get a shot. The anticipation kills. It feels like it's going to be excruciatingly painful for some reason. It's always better than I expect it to be though. My dread is always ridiculously dramatic compared to the actual time of the injection (or the time spent having a conversation with someone).

I think it's just that I hate small talk. I don't enjoy at all the 10 minutes spent on:

"How was your day?"

"How is studying going?"
(in honor of exams week)

"When are you leaving?"
(in honor of the end of the school year)

etc...

But by the time I get warmed up to the conversation, it's been an hour and I sit there for another hour just talking, twiddling my thumbs, listening, and just basking in the joy that this person is a person and so am I, and that we're just there for each other, willing to listen and share. I know by the time the waiter brings the check around that this relationship is valuable.

No, beyond valuable. I mean invaluable. Priceless.

So it is with prayer, too. I dread walking to prayer times. It just seems absurd. Then by the end of however long I pray, so many times I filled and replenished with new hope for the day, in spite of my pessimism. Introvert or not, people are important. God is important. Relationships are important. Love is important.

(And though I write this, I admit in all hypocrisy that I've not taken time out to pray today. And I don't feel like it right now, either. I feel like napping.)

I hate taking energy out for people, yet it's definitely worth taking the time out to warm up to the relationships I cannot live without.