forgiveness != pardon

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Third Day Chronology (Volume 2)

"Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent - the Lord detests them both."
- Proverbs 17:15

Thinking about it, I've often seen forgiveness as an avenue for me to release someone of their punishment and consequences. But that's not really what forgiveness means. Forgiveness simply means that I want to be on the side of the person who committed the wrong against me, to step across to the other side of the line and bridge the gap that grew out of the wrong.

Forgiveness is not pardon. To think so would be to undermine Christ. If God simply pardoned us, then the sacrifice would not have been needed. But as it is, justice and punishment must still be served - and it was, upon the cross.

So let me take that as a lesson, not to pardon people, but to lay the judgment in God's hands. Simply to forgive.

big deals

So many of the things that I say are subconscious. I have little "filler" phrases that I use whenever people say stuff to me and I don't know what to say back.
For example:

Person: "Hey, Chris, what was that all about?"
Chris: "Thank you very much."

Makes no sense at all, which is why sometimes I have to hit myself and remember to think before I talk.

One of those phrases is "It's no big deal," or sometimes, "It's good," or even "It's fine," or "It's cool." I say it nonchalantly all the time, but I realize when someone does something wrong and makes a mistake it's fine to say it, but when someone genuinely does something hurtful, sometimes you do need to acknowledge it hurt - but you should still forgive. Instead of "It's no big deal," it should be, "I forgive you."

The words you speak out of habit are the words that show the person you are. Thoughtful people speak thoughtful words.

my life

I realize I’ve lived my life wholeheartedly seeking my own way. Sometimes I wish I could be Buddha, floating out there in asceticism and paving my own new superhighway to nirvana, just because I know that it would simply as easy as following an Eightfold Path. I think about all these things, wondering how easy it would be if I weren’t born into a Christian environment, how naturally I would pursue after this my entire life and see no problem.

As I grew up, I absorbed church culture and saw that the things that were commended were consistent attendance and outward participation. Nothing more. No one can tell what’s within a person’s heart; no one can judge a person’s true motives. So I felt safe, acting in a stained-glass masquerade.

That’s how I defined myself. Giving Biblical advice, being legalistic, telling myself that if I did as I was told and I fasted and prayed, then eternal life would naturally be earned. There were no troubles or problems because I knew what was right and what God wanted of me, and as long as I did it, then I would be secure in heaven.

This was all well and good, at least until for some unknown reason I felt completely faithless and distraught one night. In the words of Philip Yancey, I “would fear that God might stop loving [me] when he discovers the real truth about [me].” I knew that what I was doing was all to build up my own security, by being valued by other people, and being valued by this superficial Santa-like god who would send me blessings once every-so-often to reward me for being a good boy. That wasn’t the real GOD though.

While reading Yancey’s book “What’s So Amazing About Grace” (thanks Sam), I’ve been better able to understand what IT’s all about. By IT, I mean IT, as in everything we think about, everything we dream about, everything we ask for.

Essentially, IT is the fact that I want every gift possible. I want to excel, to be honored by people, to be honored by God, to live forever in heaven because I’m so good and righteous. I have a strong sense of justice – that people be given what they deserve, what they are due. That’s what I thought Christianity was all about – just a more rigorous, extended moral code that includes love on top of the 5000 other rules that we know are morally correct.

But love wasn’t intended as another rule. Jesus may have said “Love one another,” and we may interpret that as a command, but that wasn’t as much a command as a statement of fact. When He came, He gave up everything to become man, to suffer, to be a King serving His own servants. This is completely unfair – but it still fulfills God’s justice because Jesus as a sacrifice, through grace, was able to replace the punishment that we were to receive for our wrongdoings. God may be just, but that characteristic is undermined by His love and grace – which is worth a million times more than justice.

IT isn’t what I thought it was. IT is GRACE. Part of this grace is the fact that “nothing we can do can make God love us more… nothing we can do can make God love us less.” IT is the greatest forgiveness that we can ever fathom – the greatest debt of all was repaid.

So when I see myself sitting with brothers or sisters in Christ and thinking to myself how much more faithful I am for being at church more often or being more active, I can slap myself. No, I can kick, punch, stab, and shoot myself for being stupid. It’s not about what I do; it’s not about what I believe. Whether I believe it or not, the truth is that grace will always be there.

The only problem is, my arrogance and I are too haughty to apologize sincerely for our sins, even for the dumbest reasons. Exhibit 1:

Chris forgot to do his homework due the next day, so he borrows his friend John’s homework, copies it word-for-word, and turns it in. A week later, he’s sitting in class with John when John’s homework is returned without any of the usual red marks on it. The professor looks at John and tells him to see him after class. Chris looks at John then looks away, knowing what’s about to happen.

After class, Chris waits for John, and hears the professor giving John a loud and humiliating lecture. John comes out of the classroom, a big fat zero on his sheet of homework. Chris looks at him and says, “I’m sorry.” John walks off without a word.

Chris gets angry because John wouldn’t accept the apology. He thinks to himself, “I did my part, I apologized. Wow, what an idiot, I would have forgiven him if it had happened to me.”

Things like this have happened – and when I apologized to my parents, they would always ask me, “What are you sorry about?” I used to hate that, but now I realize that 99% of the time I went to apologize I didn’t do it because I was sorry, but because I hated the tension within the household.

So when I thought I accepted grace, I instead just wanted to come to check off the sinner’s prayer from my list of things to do. To truly accept grace looks something more like… Exhibit 2:

Chris and John were really good friends throughout 5^th grade. But inside Chris’ mind, he always hung out with John only so that he could look better, so that he could shine because he was better than John at most things, as John was handicapped. So when, at the end of the year, John and Chris got into a small argument about who was better at basketball, and in front a group of their peers, Chris looked at John and said, “You know, I can’t believe you think you’re better. If you honestly looked at yourself, you would know that you were worth nothing. If you still want me as your friend, because as you well know, I’m your only friend, then just admit the truth.” John was humiliated.

After that argument, Chris moved away. At his new school, Chris had no friends – he was too shy to make friends, and he knew that in a year he would have to go back to his old school anyway, so whatever people he met, he would probably never see again. So he spent a year in loneliness, and as Chris returned to his old school, he wondered how badly he had hurt John with what he had said – because truly, Chris was the only friend John had, and now Chris felt what it was like to be lonely and without a true friend.

He came back to his old school to see John in a corner of a classroom, sitting in his wheelchair, tinkering with a pencil. Chris cautiously approached John, then couldn’t stop himself – he started to blurt out everything he had ever regretted, what he was sorry for – how he had loved to be superior, how much he had used John instead of treating him as a real friend. John simply looked up, smiled at him, reached into his oversized backpack underneath, and pulled out a huge stack of letters and gave them to Chris.

Chris sat down and began reading these letters – there was one for every day that Chris had been gone. Each one said something along the lines of: “Thanks for being the greatest friend ever. I forgive you for whatever you said to me, because I know you really didn’t mean it. I don’t know what to say except that miss you a lot, just hope you can come back sooner so we can have better times!”

What it means to accept grace is not only to receive forgiveness, but to come with the heart that you know that without it, you were helpless, that without God’s love you were empty. The Chris in this story was able to admit that he was utterly lost when he served himself and his own glory – without friends, and without his best friend. This is the real Chris, the Chris that has seen grace, and can do nothing but accept it. Grace is a gift that we are undeserving of – and Jesus humiliated himself to offer it to us. No amount of apologies could make up for it – which makes it so hard to accept, but at the same time, so great of a gift.

P.S. Why does it seem like every team playing in March Madness has blue as one of their school colors? Of the 8 teams playing tonight, 6 have blue: UConn, Xavier, Pitt, Memphis, Villanova, Duke. Weird.

point of difference

As human beings, we can say what we want, do what we want, believe what we want.

So the question arises: What makes us as Christians different?

Answer:
1) Not words, false prophets may speak the same words we do.
2) Not kindness, the world can do everything nice we do.
3) Not intelligence, we know are no smarter in the worldly sense than anyone else.
4) Sometimes arrogance, as we wear the cross as a banner; use it as a battle cry.
5) Sometimes pride, thinking that we are more deserving of life by committing our time to God.
6) Sometimes hypocrisy, saying one thing and doing or showing another.

Did I miss anything?

Point of difference:
Giving and receiving grace. I don't understand it yet fully, but I see it as an action of reaching out your arms and loving people regardless of who they are what they've done: not to be haughty, condescending, or arrogant, but to take up their worries, suffer together, walk the path back together. To give up everything and expect nothing in return.

"Our eyes are open
Every chain now broken
In this world we are different
Let your love become us
As we live to make you famous
We're in this world but we are different"
- Point of Difference, Hillsong

Gospel

What is the Gospel?

Everytime I tell it to myself or someone else, I feel like I'm missing one crucial element.

Today, that just happened to be the fact that "...while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8).

I went over the fact that creation made us in God's image, as part of God's glory. The fall gave us disobedience, gave us pride - and we could no longer be valued by God, we could no longer bask in His glory because we were impure. We sunk, we had to look to other places for the value that He had given us. But of course there was nothing that could redeem us... at least until Christ became the way, the truth, and the life by coming from heaven to earth, giving up everything and dying for us: while we were still sinners. So we are redeemed and are able to experience God's grace and love, to be valued by nothing but the Lord that created us. Thus, we begin to restore the world, with Christ at our side.

I told my friend this, leaving out the fact that it happened while we were still sinners. He asked me one question: "What if I am fine with just being valued by people?"

I never thought about that. Partly because I didn't need to, because I learned how futile it was trying to do things to please society... but in another sense because I never had an answer to that question. I think that in one time or another, a person will have an experience where they realize that no matter what they do, they cannot please people, or get people to genuinely love them. But in that same way, no matter what we do, we cannot change God's love and grace for us - it's unconditional.

My friend asked me whether humans are wholly selfish. I answered, "Yes."

...

I think I was wrong.

If a bus came charging towards a 4-year-old boy, and a person stepped in front of it to save him, that wouldn't be selfish. We do have a capacity for selfless works, it's just that we don't do them normally. But what makes the difference?

We probably wouldn't step in front of a bus for a convicted felon. I don't know, would you?

Jesus would, Jesus did.

love

"In this world of news, I've found nothing new
I've found nothing pure
Maybe I'm just idealistic to assume that truth
Could be fact and form
That love could be a verb
Maybe I'm just a little misinformed

As the dead moon rises, and the freeways sigh
Let the trains watch over the tides and the mist
Spinning circles in our sky's tonight
Let the trucks roll in from Los Angeles
Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes
All of my world hanging on your love

Let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin
Let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart
Train the monkeys on my back to fight
Let it start tonight
When my world explodes, when my stars touch the ground
Falling down like broken satellites

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your skies
All that I am hanging on, all of my world resting on your love."

- Let Your Love Be Strong, Switchfoot

This song moved me a lot.. not only because of the acoustic guitar.. (which definitely did play a part), but the idea that I might one day be able to sing this honestly, resting all of the world on His love.

Little discussions that I've had today have brought me back to the conclusion that my problem is: 1) my unwilingness to accept grace, and 2) my unwillingness to dole it out [this part probably wouldn't happen without part 1].

The Gospel isn't a one-stop pharmacy, I can't just walk in and ask for my medicine and walk out. No, I'm hospitalized, with time and each little remedy working its way into my system, gradually rebuilding and restoring what my body should have been able to do on its own. If I prematurely consider myself healed and run out, I'll collapse under the sun's rays, unable to get back up... Only having to slowly crawl my way back to the hospital where I began.

I can't understand everything all at once. Sometimes I feel I have found the answer to life and run out all excited, only to have my world fall apart the next week. Then I need to run back and find the next new "answer to life." Maybe there isn't one. Maybe there isn't an OTC that's going to cover all my sicknesses and diseases.

...

Unless it falls under the brand "Grace."

disgusted

I'm disgusted at myself for a million different reasons.

Sounds like a good place to restart.

He will be nobody's flag

I'm almost done with this book, but I can say I've learned a lot...

"Does Jesus like liberals more than conservatives? He will be nobody's flag."
- "Searching for God Knows What," Donald Miller

Sometimes I use Jesus as my flag. I show people how "holy" I've become, not giving the credit where it is due, but rather using God to justify the little things I do. Then I forget the wrong things I'm doing by just sitting here doing nothing in the first place.

Morality is more than a set of rules as to what we shouldn't do. Jesus told us to do things, like speak in truth and love... which means we are doing wrong if we don't follow those commands. Just because we're sitting here content with our lives doesn't mean we're justified and completely pure of sin - indifference is as much of a sin as any other.

I realize that I'm really good at pre-screening people to see if I want to get to know them or even spend time with them. I'm honestly really more interested in having a good time or conversation with people than I am in their souls and sharing the Gospel. I'd rather be indifferent and apathetic than sacrifice a little of my energy to get to know people to share with them. And I think I'm righteous...

There is a god of the modern corporate world, the individual, the self, efficiency, productivity. Then there is the God of the world, of all men, of love, faith, truth, hope, and grace.
If others saw me now, which would I seem to be serving?

sleepless

Lately, nights have been a bit tiring.. I've been getting a lot less sleep, exams looming and homework just drowning out the wee hours of the night. As a result, sometimes I wake up and try to pray and it sounds something like, "God, please make meblazaraga... mumble mumble... spaghetti holes..."

Wonder what that sounds like to God.

Sometimes I don't feel like I want to reconnect with God, that I'm content with where I am and I really don't want to go anywhere. I just want to enjoy 50 degree Michigan weather with cool breezes and bask in the sunlight, with nothing to worry about. But honestly, God's setting upon me a burden to really share what I've been through and what I've learned and what has since been drilled into my head, especially to those who need the Gospel most desperately. I only hope that when I have time to share (after the hustle and bustle of these exams), that I won't forget to follow up and do what I should.

competition and sports

Last night, Devin, Ben, and I went to go play basketball at the CCRB. The courts were hardly full when we got there; there were only 15 or so people, but we managed to get a game going and we started playing. We were running up and down the court, no one having scored, when a couple of guys started getting in a tussle, one guy complaining about how he was getting fouled, then he would go the other way and retaliate by chopping the other guy on the arm or doing something completely unsportsmanlike. Then the rest of the players would join in and start arguing about how either: 1) we're being stupid by arguing, or 2) telling each other how stupid they were because they didn't know the rules. Wow. Frustration galore... no one just plays basketball.

To be honest, a year ago, I would have been doing the same thing, just getting in dumb unnecessary arguments that would result in just people angry at each other and trying to prove themselves as being better, faces flushed red and fire burning in everyone's eyes as they lowered their shoulders driving to the basket. But yesterday, something was different.. I was less disgusted (and also less participatory..) with the behavior than when I normally would be, and I was more intrigued and sad about how people treat each other.

There's things about sports that are wholesome, but then again there's things about it that are completely degrading. What I saw yesterday was just how much people felt a need to prove themselves, to tell themselves they were good at basketball, to show how much they were worthy to be playing on Court 1 at the CCRB.

When, for example, someone takes a shot and makes an airball or causes a tragic turnover, their natural reaction is to yell, loudly, of course, some sort of profanity to prove their manhood and how much of an uncharacteristic mistake it was for them to make an airball, because, "OH NO, GOD FORBID! I AIRBALLED! I DON'T WANT TO LOOK BAD! F***!" is what's running through their head. Quite tragically, when we're on the courts, all we hear is the last word. The problem here? People want so desperately to prove themselves in front of others that they will do anything to gain that value.

And also, there's something else... it's just a pick-up game, playing to 12. When someone isn't as good at playing, the natural tendency is to look upon them condescendingly and think, "I can do better, so I can boss him around and tell him to stop messing up." If you really think about it, you're not helping their cause by discouraging them. Everyone needs to start at the bottom to get to the top, and most people have no right to tell people what to do. It tends to be that the people who are the worst talk the most; funny how that works out. Personally, I like to think to myself a lot of times that I'm better than certain other people who are playing, so I feel like I have a safety-net when it comes to making mistakes, thinking.. "I'm bad, but at least I'm not as bad as that kid." I need to stop comparing people to myself.

So... here's what I'm thinking:

Sports is just a reflection of our world, compressed into a shorter time and a smaller field.

Let's imagine, for one second, that Michael Jordan, during his prime, decided to leave the NBA and come play pickup basketball at the CCRB everyday, and that's all he did - no endorsements, no publicity, no nothing.. all he wanted was to play basketball here. While he was playing, everytime someone made a mistake, he'd shout out encouragements, tell them to keep shooting, help them up, and just keep on playing. Better yet, he'd be a team player, having no reason to show off because he has no reason to prove himself, and he'd help people one-on-one on how to play better.

So what would he think about that guy who was yelling profanity for missing a shot? He'd tell him to get a life, suck it up, and play basketball with a good attitude. What would he say to the guy who would yell his butt off at someone else to play better when they were already trying their best? He'd say, "Lay off, you're no better yourself." When we have someone who's a lot better than we are, we'd really be put in our place, playing our little pickup basketball like we're leading some kind of NBA dynasty here, and one missed shot is going to cause that dynasty to crumble.

The reason this makes a lot of sense to me right now, is that this MJ analogy right here really explains the Gospel, in a very strange way (MJ, although he may be an awesome basketball player, is most definitely NOT Jesus). Jesus had to give something great up (heaven, eternity... well, I can't think of anything greater than those two things) to become a man on this earth (our little CCRB), and he sees little people running around thinking they're all that, bossing others around, trying to prove themselves to others, thinking they can do it all themselves. I can just see Him walking around, uttering a sigh here and there out of pity... Knowing just how much love we really need. And the oppressed are the ones that benefit the most from His love - the terrible players, the ones who get ragged on for missing shots, for not staying on their man, the ones who feel unloved and unencouraged. When MJ gives them a one-on-one basketball clinic, they would most certainly want to tell others what they've learned, about their experience with him. And so, the ones that have truly experienced Jesus' love are the ones who share the Gospel with the nations.

When MJ plays with us, we can't prove ourselves no matter how hard we try. We're just not up to standard. All we can do is be in awe and happy that such a great player would want to play with us. So why aren't we in awe of how much Jesus gave up for us... why isn't it a front-page headline on the New York Times everyday?

I lost the message of the Gospel somewhere along the way. I want to find it back.

poetry

In many ways... expressing and breaking down our walks with God into formulas and theology may sometimes be helpful in understanding God, but they will never fully be able to express God's love for us. Maybe sometimes, we just need to know that the God we know and love is a God of not only logic and philosophy but a God of mystery, a God of spirituality, and a God of beauty.
Sometimes... we just need poetry.

Shrouded and concealed,
Is the One who knows us all.
Mystery surrounds Him,
Curiosity is what calls me,
And love is what keeps me whole.

Like a tenderly-loving parent,
He implores me not to go there,
Not to set foot in the trap,
Knowing where it will lead,
Knowing of my own demise.

But I ignore, I despise
Words of love, acts of meaning
For though I know deep within my heart
He would never lie...

Yet I still want to do it myself.
So I approach the burning flame.

My fingers enter the fire cautiously,
Unknowingly, thinking that it's not too bad...
But I venture too far....

I am scorched! I am burnt!
I am wounded! I am pained!
I cry out in tears,
I ask, "Why didn't you stop me?"

He runs to me,
He grieves with tears and pity in His eyes,
A love so tender, a love so pure,
He takes care of my burns,
No words spoken, no anger, no reproaches.

I sullenly sit by the fireplace,
Blaming it all on Him,
Asking why He would let me do such a thing...
But I start to question myself.

Here I am, a child lost in my own world,
Ultimately helpless, completely lost.
He pats me on the back,
And says three words I can't forget,
"I love you."

No matter what I say,
No matter what I do,
No matter who I blame,
Those words come back to me, again and again.

And as I look up to the skies
Blended blues and grays sink through my eyes,
Into my mind, into my thoughts,
But into my heart? Not as much.

To know that He cares,
That I'm worth more than I make myself
That nothing I can do or say
Will change the value He holds in me...
I'm priceless.

So, as they say:
I'm lost in wonder, lost in love..
Lost in praise forevermore.
Because of Jesus' unfailing love,
I am forgiven,
I am restored.

marriage

"I think it is more safe and more beautiful and more true to believe that when a person dies he will go and be with God because, on earth, he had come to know Him, that he had a relational encounter with God not unlike meeting a friend or a lover or having a father or taking a bride, and that in order to engage God he gave up everything, repented and changed his life, as this sort of extreme sacrifice is what is required if true love is to grow. We would expect nothing less in a marriage; why should we accept anything less in becoming unified with Christ?"
- "Searching for God Knows What," Donald Miller

I think a lot of us have this glorified view of marriage where it's this unbreakable relationship, a full unity between man and woman... that's how I see it. Viewing a relationship with Christ as something like that - as becoming one flesh with Him - seems to be a pretty accurate description of what needs to be done, thus, there should be no cheating on Him, no divorces, and none of the things that characterize a bad marriage.
What makes marriages so sacred that so many people worry about it for so long? Why couldn't we just spend that time seeking a commitment and a strong marriage with Christ?

"The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less."
- John 3:29-30

contentment (?)

You know, in terms of happiness... (I don't know if I'm at the point where I can call it true joy), today's been the best day in like the past two weeks. So maybe I should be content.

But I realize that sometimes, it's better to struggle and have difficulties in life, because when I was supposedly happy today, all I found that I was getting gradually more and more apathetic to the issues that I had opened my eyes to while struggling the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I wish I could just cut out the nastiness within me, because I know it's there... today I found I like to ignore my shortcomings because that's what makes me struggle the most.

One lesson I'm learning is a need to love the marginalized, the isolated, the oppressed. Jesus is the hope and the light to those people, not to the successful or content, not to those who are already valued by the world... the "rich" in the world's standards.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life."
- 2 Corinthians 2:14-16

If I am to be the aroma of Christ, I want to be the fragrance of life to those who are lost, to those who have found no value in this world, to those that no one cares about. What Jesus preached wasn't so much laws in the form of mysterious parables, it was love. I am to love God and to love my neighbors... and my neighbors aren't just the $100k income families living next door. They're the lost, the hungry, the homeless, the enslaved, the exploited. It hurts me to see people who don't care, but I do it too...

making Dad proud

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=nolan

Read this story, please.

Imagine:

If the last thing you did or said to someone who loved you before they died hurt them or disappointed them... there can be no worse feeling.

And even worse? To know that you were unrepentant about it, driving another nail into the coffin.

That's why it should pain me to know that someone like Jesus loved me so much he died for me, but I constantly disappoint Him, and I don't care (a lot of the time).
Honestly, if this were true, then I probably wouldn't care if the nails were being driven into His hands right at this moment, His suffering etched on His face because the weight of the world is on His shoulders... I probably wouldn't care if He was hanging on the cross right now, spilling His blood for an unrepentant child, the prodigal son, me. Do I love him? Can I lessen His pain? Can I share in the pain? Can I repent, can I be obedient?

All He wanted was for me to feel His love, bask in His glory... to let me know what's right, what attitude I need.

Let's make Daddy proud, Chris, just like Nolan.

value

Still thinking about what I replace God's glory in my life with, how I want to be valued.
In understanding what I love, I want to take down what makes me self-sufficient and not God-dependent.

I love:
1) Superiority. I love comparing myself to others, to say that I am better at something. This includes academics, sports, arguments, faith, whatever...
2) Security. I hate risk, and I love being secure... Whether that means having a safety-net for my grades in a class, having friends I can fall back on, or even knowing I am secure in heaven.
3) Business. I don't like sitting around doing nothing... Usually that just makes me fall asleep for no reason, then I feel I'm wasting my time.

Giving it up will be tough.

relationality

If there's one thing that thinking hard over the past week has brought me, it's a desire to learn more. Sitting in Sunday sermon today, as opposed to dozing off as I like to do sometimes (when you sit near the walls, the hot air blows in your face and.... Zzzzz...), I was mostly wide-awake as I heard about how humans are obsessed with beauty.

The one thing that stood out to me most was the interpretation of Genesis 1:26-28, when Pastor Andrew said that "Man was created in the image of God," and consequently, that we are relational beings.

It's exactly what I've been thinking about the entire time I questioned my faith. I am relational. But where is that relationship directed? Toward God, or toward myself? An excerpt from the book "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller is something that really just causes a burning desire in my heart to get to know Him, and get His love to be the only thing I need to feel right, to feel valued.

"I figure I was attaching myself to a certain identity because it made me feel smart or, more honestly, it made other people tell me I was smart. This was how I earned my since of importance. Now, as I was saying earlier, by doing things to get other people to value me, a couple of ideas became obvious, the first being that I was a human wired so other people told me who I was. This was very different from anything I had previously believed, including that you had to believe in yourself and all, and I still believe that is true, but I realized there was this other part of me, and it was a big part of me, that needed something outside of myself to tell me who I was. And the thing that had been designed to tell me who I was, was gone. And so the second idea became obvious: I was very concerned with getting other people to say I was good or valuable or important because the thing that was supposed to make me feel this way was gone.
And it wasn't just me. I could see it in the people on television, I could see it in the people in the movies, I could see it in my friends and family, too. It seemed that every human being had this need for something outside himself to tell him who he was, and that whatever it was that did this was gone, and this, to me, served as a kind of personality theory. It explained why I wanted to be seen as smart, why religious people wanted so desperately to be right, why Shirley MacLaine wanted to be God, and just about everything else a human did.
Later, when I set this truth about myself, and for that matter about the human race, next to what the Bible was saying about who God is, what happened at the Fall, and the sort of message Jesus communicated to humanity, I realized Christian spirituality fit my soul like a key. It was quite beautiful, to be honest with you.
This God, and this spirituality, was very different from the self-help version of Christianity. The God of the Bible seemed to be brokenhearted over the separation in our relationship and downright obsessed with mending the tear.
I began to wonder if the actual language of life was not the charts and formulas and stuff we map out on a graph to feel smart or right, but rather the hidden language explaining why every person does everything they do, the hidden language we are speaking that is really about negotiating the feeling God used to give us."

Even reading this, I realize I'm relational, but it depends on where I find my significance... I heard sometime this week, probably during the All-Nighter, but I don't exactly recall... that it must have been immensely painful for Adam and Eve to lose the significance they found in God - so much so that they had to dress themselves because of their shame of being naked. That's really analogous to what I am - I find significance in myself, my deeds, my successes, and my words and thoughts (and more particularly, how other people view me through those things), and that's what I'm clothing my nakedness and shame with, that's where I find the value in myself.

Recurring themes and questions in my life nowadays:

• Finding a relationship with God.
• Knowing grace.
• Returning to my first love, Christ (Revelation 2:4-5).
• Dedicating myself to Him.
• Breaking down my self-sufficiency. (Ezekiel 34:16)
• Leading a God-centered, grace-centered life.
• Gazing upon Jesus' beauty rather than my own.
• Knowing I can't make it back to Him unless He brings it about in my heart.
• Faith comes from God (Jeremiah 24:7).
• Receiving and sharing Christ's love.
• Being a sacrifice by willing myself to go outside of my own comfort zone.
• Caring about things other than myself.
• Feeling Christ's pain (Isaiah 53).
• Perseverence, and being helpless. (Psalm 44)
• Stop trying to break down "coming back to God" into steps, into a formula, so that I can fulfill it and become a "good" Christian again. (This is tough because of the engineer in me...)

And in case you were wondering, no. I did not fulfill all of those, probably not even any of them. Sometimes that makes me feel worse, and sometimes, it just makes me feel... human.

Sorry for the long post :)

P.S. Wondering about what it means to really have faith, I thought about how ironic and paradoxical it is that in order to have a full relationship with Christ you need to be both completely unaware of yourself in the sense that you don't matter anymore, and also completely aware of yourself in the sense that you know your place as a helpless sinner that has been redeemed at a high cost to Christ, at no cost to yourself.
And to me, a good test to see when I'm truly dead to myself and alive in Christ seems to be when I'm willing to say what Paul said in Romans 9:3-4:
"For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, those of my own race, the people of Israel. Theirs is the adoption as sons; theirs the divine glory, the covenants, the receiving of the law, the temple worship, and the promises."
I think this is exactly the heart of Christ that Paul is expressing. Jesus Christ was willing to have the Father turn His back on Him (sorry for the ambiguous pronouns there) in order to save us. He was willing to be cursed and cut off from the Father for our sake... to shout "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46b)
Paul was willing to have himself cut off from Christ for his brothers' sake. When I come to be willing to give up all my eternal life and glory in exchange for eternal damnation for someone else, I will know that I have truly been loved by Christ and that I am willing to love others in the same way. Until then, I know it's all about me... I receive this relationship because of MY desire to go to heaven.

divorce

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/03/03/divorce.economy/index.html

"'A little misery is worth a lot of money,' says Felder. 'So try to stay married if you possibly can.'"

Quite possibly the most disturbing junk I've read in a while.

so.. still doubting, but...

I'm still sort of depressed from this uncertainty and frustration within my heart, but I've found comfort in an unlikely place - the Chronicles of Narnia.

"Now the Witch said nothing at all, but moved gently across the room, always keeping her face and eyes very steadily towards the Prince. When she had come to a little ark set in the wall not far from the fireplace, she opened it, and took out first a handful of a green powder. This she threw on the fire. It did not glaze much, but a very sweet and drowsy smell came from it. And all through the conversation which followed, that smell grew stronger, and filled the room, and made it harder to think. Secondly, she took out a musical instrument rather like a mandolin. She began to play it with her fingers--a steady, monotonous thrumming that you didn't notice after a few minutes. But the less you noticed it, the more it got into your brain and your blood. This also made it hard to think. After she had thrummed for a time (and the sweet smell was now strong) she began speaking in a sweet, quiet voice.

"Narnia?" she said. "Narnia? I have often heard your Lordship utter that name in your ravings. Dear Prince, you are very sick. There is no land called Narnia."

"Yes, there is, though, Ma'am," said Puddleglum. "You see, I happen to have lived there all my life."

"Indeed," said the Witch. "Tell me, I pray you, where that country is?"

"Up there," said Puddleglum, stoutly, pointing overhead. "I--I don't know exactly where."

"How?" said the Queen, with a kind, soft, musical laugh. "Is there a country up among the stones and mortar of the roof?"

"No," said Puddleglum, struggling a little to get his breath. "It's in the Overworld."

"And what, or where, pray is this...how do you call it...Overworld?"

"Oh, don't be so silly," said Scrubb, who was fighting hard against the enchantment of the sweet smell and the thrumming. "As if you didn't know! It's up above, up where you can see the sky and the sun and the stars. Why, you've been there yourself. We met you there."

"I cry mercy, little brother," laughed the Witch (you couldn't have heard a lovelier laugh). "I have no memory of that meeting. But we often meet our friends in strange places when we dream. And unless all dreamed alike, you must not ask them to remember it."

"Madam," said the Prince sternly, "I have already told your Grace that I am the King's son in Narnia."

"And shalt be, dear friend," said the Witch in a soothing voice, as if she were humouring a child, "shalt be king of many imagined lands in thy fancies."

"We've been there, too," snapped Jill. She was very angry because she could feel enchantment getting hold of her every moment. But of course the very fact that she could still feel it, showed that it had not yet fully worked.

"And thou art Queen of Narnia too, I doubt not, pretty one," said the Witch in the same coaxing, half-mocking tone.

"I'm nothing of the sort," said Jill, stamping her foot. "We come from another world."

"Why, this is a prettier game than the other," said the Witch. "Tell us, little maid, where is this other world? What ships and chariots go between it and ours?"

Of course a lot of things darted into Jill's head at once: Experiment House, Adela Pennyfather, her own home, radio-sets, cinemas, cars, aeroplanes, ration-books, queues. But they seemed dim and far away. (Thrum -- thrum -- thrum -- went the strings of the Witch's instrument.) Jill couldn't remember the names of the things in our world. And this time it didn't come into her head that she was being enchanted, for now the magic was in its full strength; and of course, the more enchanted you get, the more certain you feel that you are not enchanted at all.

She found herself saying (and at the moment it was a relief to say): "No, I suppose that other world must be all a dream."

"Yes. It is all a dream," said the Witch, always thrumming.

"Yes, all a dream," said Jill.

"There never was such a world," said the Witch.

"No," said Jill and Scrubb, "never was such a world."

"There never was any world but mine," said the Witch.

"There never was any world but yours," said they.

Puddleglum was still fighting hard. "I don't know rightly what you all mean by a world," he said, talking like a man who hasn't enough air. "But you can play that fiddle till your fingers drop off, and still you won't make me forget Narnia; and the whole Overworld too. We'll never see it again, I shouldn't wonder. You may have blotted it out and turned it dark like this, for all I know. Nothing more likely. But I know I was there once. I've seen the sky full of stars. I've seen the sun coming up out of the sea of a morning and sinking behind the mountains at night. And I've seen him up in the midday sky when I couldn't look at him for brightness."

Puddleglum's words had a very rousing effect. The other three all breathed again and looked at one another like people newly awaked.

"Why there it is!" cried the Prince. "Of course! The blessing of Aslan upon this honest Marsh-wiggle. We have all been dreaming, these last few minutes. How could we have forgotten it? Of course we've all seen the sun."

"By Jove, so we have!" said Scrubb. "Good for you, Puddleglum! You're the only one of us with any sense, I do believe."

Then came the Witch's voice, cooing softly like the voice of a wood-pigeon from the high elms in an old garden at three o'clock in the middle of a sleepy, summer afternoon; and it said:

"What is this sun that you all speak of? Do you mean anything by the word?"

"Yes, we jolly well do," said Scrubb.

"Can you tell me what it's like?" asked the Witch (thrum, thrum, thrum, went the strings).

"Please it your Grace," said the Prince, very coldly and politely. "You see that lamp. It is round and yellow and gives light to the whole room, and hangeth moreover from the roof. Now that thing which we call the sun is like the lamp, only far greater and brighter. It giveth light to the whole Overworld and hangeth in the sky."

"Hangeth from what, my lord?" asked the Witch; and then, while they were all still thinking how to answer her, she added, with another of her soft, silver laughs: "You see? When you try to think out clearly what this sun must be, you cannot tell me. You can only tell me it is like the lamp. Your sun is a dream; and there is nothing in that dream that was not copied from the lamp. The lamp is the real thing; the sun is but a tale, a children's story."

"Yes, I see now," said Jill in a heavy, hopeless tone. "It must be so." And while she said this, it seemed to her to be very good sense.

Slowly and gravely the Witch repeated, "There is no sun." And they all said nothing. She repeated, in a softer and deeper voice. "There is no sun." After a pause, and after a struggle in their minds, all four of them said together, "You are right. There is no sun." It was such a relief to give in and say it.

"There never was a sun," said the Witch.

"No. There never was a sun," said the Prince, and the Marsh-wiggle, and the children.

For the last few minutes Jill had been feeling that there was something she must remember at all costs. And now she did. But it was dreadfully hard to say it. She felt as if huge weights were laid on her lips. At last, with an effort that seemed to take all the good out of her, she said:

"There's Aslan."

"Aslan?" said the Witch, quickening ever so slightly the pace of her thrumming. "What a pretty name! What does it mean?"

"He is the great Lion who called us out of our own world," said Scrubb, "and sent us into this to find Prince Rilian."

"What is a lion?" asked the Witch.

"Oh, hang it all!" said Scrubb. "Don't you know? How can we describe it to her? Have you ever seen a cat?"

"Surely," said the Queen. "I love cats."

"Well, a lion is a little bit--only a little bit, mind you--like a huge cat--with a mane. At least, it's not like a horse's mane, you know, it's more like a judge's wig. And it's yellow. And terrifically strong."

The Witch shook her head. "I see," she said, "that we should do no better with your lion, as you call it, than we did with your sun. You have seen lamps, and so you imagined a bigger and better lamp and called it the sun. You've seen cats, and now you want a bigger and better cat, and it's to be called a lion. Well, 'tis a pretty make--believe, though, to say truth, it would suit you all better if you were younger. And look how you can put nothing into your make-believe without copying it from the real world of mine, which is the only world. But even you children are too old for such play. As for you, my lord Prince, that art a man full grown, fie upon you! Are you not ashamed of such toys? Come, all of you. Put away these childish tricks. I have work for you all in the real world. There is no Narnia, no Overworld, no sky, no sun, no Aslan. And now, to bed all. And let us begin a wiser life tomorrow. But, first, to bed; to sleep; deep sleep, soft pillows, sleep without foolish dreams."

The Prince and the two children were standing with their heads hung down, their cheeks flushed, their eyes half closed; the strength all gone from them; the enchantment almost complete. But Puddleglum, desperately gathering all his strength, walked over to the fire. Then he did a very brave thing. He knew it wouldn't hurt him quite as much as it would hurt a human; for his feet (which were bare) were webbed and hard and cold-blooded like a duck's. But he knew it would hurt him badly enough; and so it did. With his bare foot he stamped on the fire, grinding a large part of it into ashes on the flat hearth. And three things happened at once.

First, the sweet heavy smell grew very much less. For though the whole fire had not been put out, a good bit of it had, and what remained smelled very largely of burnt Marsh-wiggle, which is not at all an enchanting smell. This instantly made everyone's brain far clearer. The Prince and the children held up their heads again and opened their eyes.

Secondly, the Witch, in a loud, terrible voice, utterly different from all the sweet tones she had been using up till now, called out, "What are you doing? Dare to touch my fire again, mud-filth, and I'll turn the blood to fire inside your veins."

Thirdly, the pain itself made Puddleglum's head for a moment perfectly clear and he knew exactly what he really thought. There is nothing like a good shock of pain for dissolving certain kinds of magic.

"One word, Ma'am," he said, coming back from the fire; limping because of the pain. "One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things--trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for the Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.""

I remember when I first read this when I was little. There's something about it that tugs at a string in my heart, that just brings me to believe, that just brings me to realize how important faith is in today's world. I love Narnia.

While people talk about how they fell away from the faith because people "brainwashed" them to believe it, and they in turn brainwashed others to the faith, I think of this. That it feels like we're being brainwashed is only a deception by Satan... There is a reality, there is a God, there is a heaven and hell, and there is something more to live for - Christ.

And even if sometimes I feel like I do now... like absolute crap, and completely doubtful and uncertain about what really is, I'd rather believe in a fake make-believe God with a fake make-believe Savior with a fake make-believe salvation than I would in a godless world with nothing to live for but money and death.

doubts and faith

Yesterday and today, it's been really hard for me. I feel like all this time this semester I've been complacent with my current walk with God, and so now it all hits me in a flash. I've been doubting so much it hurts to think, I've been frustrated all day and I just wish I could find an answer. I know that I have two decisions at this point - give up all my doubts and fears and submit to God, or stop believing in Him. The former is where I want to go.

I know that if there was no God, then really and truly, I would have nothing to live for. Makes me stop and wonder what nonbelievers live for... because if it's nothing eternal it's really worthless. In that sense my dilemma is between temporary happiness and eternal happiness, and it's a choice and a sacrifice I have to make to give up a little happiness now to bask in eternal joy later. It scares me that people call themselves ex-Christians or post-Christians - I hope I never turn that way.

"Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root."
- Matthew 13:5-6

This is who they are.

I think another reason why this crisis of faith is coming upon me is because I asked for humility. I know that I've been constantly asking for it, but when I'm actually tested and I am given the choice to submit myself to the fact that I know nothing and that I am not as God, I become doubtful because I'm unwilling to give up my place as the lord of my own life. Also, as I've grown in faith over the past year, I've been indifferent about certain issues and questions I've had about my faith because I was scared that the questions would cause me to turn away. Turns out, they come back to haunt me anyway, so it's time to deal with them.

I still want to find comfort in the fact that this time in the darkness is when I will struggle with my fears. But when I emerge victorious with God by my side, I can look back and see my growth - and I know that the more I grow, the bigger the challenges get. Pray for me so I can pull through.

plagiarism

I spend a lot of my time thinking about things. This morning, as I was walking to the T-Center at 8 AM in the freezing cold, I wondered about what I would become if I continue to feed my arrogance and pride.

plagiarism - n. a piece of writing that has been copied from someone else and is presented as being your own work.

I like to plagiarize. Not in the normal sense, where I'm writing a paper and I do the traditional copy-and-pasting that my high school teachers warned against. No, not at all. It's more in the sense of the work that I do on this Earth.

Whenever something turns out well, I take credit for it - even if it is God's work, I present it as my own. On the other hand, when something turns out badly, I deny that I had anything to do with it - I naturally find a scapegoat.

What does this say about me?
If life were a college, I'd have been expelled a long time ago.