losing touch

"Can you see the people
Staring at the steeples
Wondering why they’re so lonely..."
- "Manhattan," The War

I've never heard this song before yesterday - I was listening to Pandora and it came up, and it was just my kind of song so I bought it off of iTunes. But as I was listening to this secular song, it touched me in a different way than expected.

I just read this morning about how we become entangled in our own arrogance and pride when we serve out of duty and make that the basis for our faith, and also when we make decisions on our own sense and ask God to bless those decisions. That really describes me most of the time - I make most of my own decisions because I think I have good enough judgment or because I think it's not important enough for God to intervene. Sometimes, I do feel like I'm really lonely - I realize that when I depend on church functions to cultivate my spiritual life, I fall to the bottom very quickly... And so I "stare at the steeples, wonder why I'm so lonely."

That's most definitely because I ignore who God is, that He's here, and that I'm not alone. I want to stop wondering why I'm so lonely, and do things for the wrong reason, but to come to the true realization that God is the owner of me - He makes my every decision for me, and He answers when I cry out, and my work is nothing but useless.

growing with God

Recently, I've been thinking more and more as to what it means for a person to become "closer" with God. As Christians, we always talk about how we need a deeper relationship with God, but we are never really able to define when that happens and how that happens. Those kinds of thoughts led into this idea that I now have as to what "walking with God" really means.

1) God is so much bigger and so much greater in reality than we are.
2) We spend so much of our time trying to be on the same level as God.
3) When we try to look towards God, all we can see is a tiny bit, because we're so small and he's so huge that our eyes cannot wrap themselves around him.
4) As we seek God more, we begin to be humbled by how great God is, and start to lower ourselves from God - we no longer put ourselves on the same level as God.
5) Consequently, we are able to see gradually more and more of God, more of the "big picture" because by stepping back, we expand our sight of vision.
6) In the end, we are humbled, yet we can see more of God, and know more of who God is. I think this is the essence of growing with Christ.

thoughts

I was really touched at lunch today, just getting to talk with someone more wise than I am.
Listening to him, I learned so much.
1) How I let arrogance get the best of me.
2) How, really, the original sin is pride.
3) Why I feel like I'm so self-sufficient all the time when I'm not.
4) That I need to tone down the arrogant talking and learn to stop and listen, and more importantly, pray.

I'm still sore.

the consequences of obedience

On Wednesdays we usually have LIFE Group prayer at the T-Center. Today, in particular, I really didn't want to go after a busy day and a busy night-to-come, so I started building up excuses to not go. Funnily though, I was conscious of each and every excuse I was adding and I felt gradually worse as I realized that none of them were even remotely legitimate. Being tired, for example - I fixed that by taking a two-hour nap; having too much work - blown out of proportion, I didn't have enough work... etc..

So I gave in, as I was literally tugged towards this time of prayer. Boy, am I glad I went.
Being obedient to even little things like this bring me:

1) Humility. I learned so much just sitting there and praying and talking about how to pray, how to worship, and how to take my thoughts off myself.
2) Blessings. I walked out of prayer with so much more joy than I walked in with.
3) New tests and struggles. I really have gained so much, but it's been put to the test even in the hour after prayer-time... frustrations and annoyances pile up, but this time, I'm conscious of these things and so I can control them.

All in all, I feel so blessed by the little things like this in life that teach me so much.

feet

"You cross the great divide, You took our place
You offered up Your life, for we have failed
The veil was torn and love remained
You are holy Lord."
- "Desperate People," Hillsong

Jesus went all the way, gave all he could so that in the end we would be saved. He tore the veil, so that we could commune with God - he gave us love.
And how we desperately needed it, and still live off of that grace, but I'm unwilling to share it.

I'm gradually realizing how selfish most of the "Christian" population is, how readily we are willing to accept eternal life but unwilling to spread the good news.
"How beautiful...are the feet of those who bring good news!"
- Isaiah 52:7

Am I his hands and feet?
No, not really. My feet are not beautiful. My feet are unscathed, I have walked no hard path to get to where I am, never have I come upon a challenge that I have faced without fear - when the road is rocky, I turn around. But to earn the courage to shout to the world my faith and my Gospel, that's something I'm desperate for.

nostalgia

Recently, I bought the Backstreet Boys' old Millennium album that I remember listening to over and over again when I was in 4th grade. I used to get such a kick out of singing along to the songs when I was little, and the music just brings me back to those times.
Those guitar-lovey-dovey-ballads... whatever happened to music? Now it's rap with uber-repetitive beats, and people are more disillusioned with the world than ever. If I had to name our current generation, I'd call it post-post-modernism - pretty much, we're beyond being disillusioned, we're beyond lost, and we're still okay with it.
The Backstreet Boys' golden days seems like so long ago, but it was only 9 years back... Who knows where the next 9 years will go?

I seem like I'm drifting through life without a purpose - that's one of the reasons I started even blogging because I feel like I need to be able to look back and remember what happened a week ago to even try to figure out what to do in the next week, and hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and struggles in the past.

I'm so messed up inside - I value my relationships with people and how I look to others more than I could ever care for the actual people I spend time with. "Getting deeper with people" is in particular hard for me because it's so easy for me to give the textbook "vulnerable" answers - that in fact aren't really "vulnerable" facts about myself but things I say when people ask me to share. I spend so little time in introspection that I really don't even know what I'm passionate about.

One thing I do know though, is in the past few weeks when I kept on trying to dig inside myself for sins I could confess to God while praying, I realized I couldn't find any - I thought so highly of myself that I thought I was above sin. Some sense has been slapped into me now - it's actually that I'm so stupid that I don't even realize I'm doing things wrong when I do - and so I feel even more like an idiot nowadays... albeit a proud idiot who's just realized he's stupid, and thankful for it.

Now I know how desperately I need to pray, to reflect, to look inside myself and find some answers to questions I ask myself and other people ask me.

the day my conscience died.

I think the biggest fear I might possibly have is to lose my conscience. It has happened before... when I've sinned daily with no regrets, I learned to drown out my conscience with my own justifications.

I want to remember this, especially thinking back to how I always wonder what salvation has done for me. The change inside of me since accepting Christ has been most defined within my conscience and how I see myself in sin today. When people rebuke me for doing wrong, I know my first instinct is to defend myself with a long string of excuses. I tell myself that I have a legitimate reason for doing something, but I realize that it all comes back down to the fact that I am unwilling to admit my wrongs, I'm unwilling to give in and let go of my pride.
When I get in arguments with my dad, that's what usually happens. I argue with him vehemently with my own opinions, and he does the same, and we end up never giving in. I never apologize, and so it ends up being that we only make up with one another through time and as time passes. Of course, that still leaves some scarring on the heart that needs to be mended.
Asking and giving forgiveness are the two hardest acts in the world.

That's why I want to make a commitment. Not to self-justify my wrongs - when people point out or rebuke me for my sins, to accept it in all humility, knowing that their judgment is probably more accurate than what I think I know of myself.
Humility is also a gauge of your intimacy with God - when you are more in tune with Him, you see more of how broken you are. Ironically, as you look more towards God, the gap between your position and His widens because an awareness of your sin nature grows with humility.

great things happen when...

I think a lot of the people I know, and even myself, are struggling with our walk with God. We spend so much time in despair when we feel we lack faith or genuineness in church...

"If we will take the initaitive to overcome, we will find that we have the inspiration of God, because He immediately gives us the power of life."
- "My Utmost for His Highest," Oswald Chambers

"This is why it is said: 'Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'"
- Ephesians 5:14b

We take the initiative first, we take the first step of faith, and Christ will shine on us. No longer should we despair or live in darkness without light - but as we are "children of the light," so we should begin our journeys into the light-filled world.

honor

"There are no ordinary people... it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit."
- C. S. Lewis

Just goes to show how often we forget the perspective we should view the world from - an eternal time frame.
Look to honor one another as brothers and sisters, because we are all immortals. There are no ordinary people - everyone matters, no matter how much you may hate them.

stained-glass masquerade.

"Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay"

- "Stained Glass Masquerade," Casting Crowns

Story of my life today.

shadows.

When I'm in the darkness - usually for me that means I don't care about anything but myself, and when I'm deeply confused.. especially when I'm sitting in church.

"Pay attention when God puts you into darkness, and keep your mouth closed while you are there... Darkness is the time to listen." - "My Utmost for His Highest," Oswald Chambers

It's easy for me to complain and feel dejected, lost, and alone when I'm feeling my bipolar-apathy kinda thing, but really, I take too much for granted. I need to stand with my mouth shut. Darkness is truly a time for me to listen for God - not to talk about others, or try to reason out my own answers. After the darkness, there will be humility and delight at the same time. God brings me humility as a gift of life - without it I would be a proud lump of dead coal.

looking back on baptism

I remember as I was taking the Baptism class last semester and finally got baptized on Dec. 16th, Pastor Andrew constantly told me about the struggles and spiritual battle I would face after publicly professing my faith.

Some things I've been going through and struggling with since then:

1) Worries about my own health
2) Apathy
3) Judging my walk with God with how much time I spend in church
4) Spending less time in introspection, less time praying

I kept on going back to these "struggles," maybe with an expectant heart, but nevertheless I am disappointed. Reading the Word today, I was brought back to when I was learning about the meaning of baptism:

"That's what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where we're going in our new grace-sovereign country." - Romans 6:3-5 (The Message)

I really need to know where I'm going, and realize that I'm no longer blind. As I am identified with his resurrection, I need to be more responsible with time, especially knowing that this short lifetime should be dedicated to God while it lasts. And the more I try to serve myself, the more I put myself in bondage. Remembering Call + Response - when I call out in bondage, the Lord responds.

judging.

Time and time again I have to catch myself as I'm inadvertently judging someone (usually because they're slandering/judging someone else). That happened today, as one of my friends was just pretty much showing his hate for someone and their actions - and just really grasping at thin air when he wanted me to sympathize with him. All I could do was nod and frown at the same time, not taking sides on the issue.

As I was listening, I began to feel some of that same hate towards my friend who was telling me these things about another person. Who was he to have the right to say such things? But, who was I to judge my friend like that? What had I to boast about that I had more of than he?

I stopped myself and prayed a short prayer under my breath. Constant prayer seems to be more important than any other spiritual discipline. I realize that I wasn't loving my friend, I was judging him with contempt... Not for his good or for the glory of God, but for my own thoughts and my own gain.

There's nothing wrong with judging, in certain contexts.
"What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. 'Expel the wicked man from among you.'"
- 1 Cor. 5:12-13

But this judging heart needs to be done with discernment in itself - to glorify God and out of love, that we can "hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed, and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord." (1 Cor. 5:5).
I should care less about how I might condemn him and more about how I can help him - to empathize, that I am not above falling to such deeds, and to show God's unconditional love and grace.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23

something to ponder.

I was talking with Joe and Jay at NYPD - about evangelism and what it's about.

I just want to take a moment to write about the mindset that we just walk around this world in.
Are we to proclaim God's name out of our own charisma and so "bring people to Christ" with our smooth talk?
Definitely not.

We should be "ambassadors of Christ." We don't have the power to change people, just to represent Christ. We are to speak the truth in love. Do we have any hidden agendas when we talk to people about God?

When we testify, we don't want to draw the reaction, "your life is awesome." We want them to know what God is like, not what we have done.
"Not because of who I am, but because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done, but because of who you are." - Who Am I, Casting Crowns

All of this is good, and the coolest thing I learned from Joe today was about one little symbol that they put on ambulances. Do you see the thing inside the Blue Shield in this logo?

Well, it's Biblical, as hard as that may be to believe.
"The LORD said to Moses, 'Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.' So Moses made a bronze snake and put it up on a pole. Then when anyone was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, he lived." - Numbers 4:8-9
"Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life." - John 3:14

When we evangelize, we are to lift up Christ as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert. Not to fervently try to change peoples' minds or trick them into looking at the snake, but for them to put their trust in God and in the Son of Man - so that they may believe and have eternal life.

shattered telescope.

I was thinking (as I always do), just lounging around and asking myself so many questions.

What does leading a God-centered life mean? It means to focus and put our eyes upon Him, first of all. Our relationship with God, in so many ways is like a shattered telescope.

Have you seen these telescopes? The humongous ones in observatories? This "reflection telescope" works by reflecting light through mirrors and magnifying the images in the distance. When we look to God, I feel like we're looking through one of these telescopes to the stars. And as someone told me recently, our greatest ambition is like the Sun - during the day it shields all the other stars, representing our goals and ambitions, so that we can't see them. Is God my Sun?

I think more often than not, our telescopes are cracked or broken somehow. The mirrors inside are tilted at the wrong angle, and instead of seeing the sky, we see ourselves reflected in the mirror. Our lives our self-centered, our visions are seen through shattered telescopes.

It's Jesus who came and brought us the tools to fix the telescope. It's the Spirit that uses these tools to fix the telescope.