brace yourself...

I was super tired today. At one point I fell asleep on the bus on what was definitely a 20-second nap, and when I opened my eyes, everyone was getting off. I was confused. That describes most of my day... and yet, tired as I might be, it ended on a good note during LIFE group after a Bible study that I stumbled through in a stupor...

This is my prayer for the next few weeks:

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you...
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit - with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.
- Psalm 51:12-13, 16-19 (NLT)

The theme of this semester has definitely been "living sacrifice" (Romans 12:1) for me. And as Christ works in me "to will and to act according to His good purpose" (Philippians 2:13), I pray He'll teach me to obey Him, to make His ways known to rebels, and to return them to Him. To be used for His glory like that.

And this psalm we read at the end of LIFE group today just seems to tie it all together. In spite of all the "you don't know what you're asking for"s I've gotten from people, I've been sensing and praying for brokenness. God will not reject a broken and repentant heart. And that's exactly the kind of living sacrifice I want to be.

Make it happen, God.

my life is too good

First things first, I've ventured on a $10 a month journey to mess with a personal website. Web tech was always over my head but the flood of lessons from being on Web Team and EECS 485 have cultured a passion for geeky things.

Therefore, this blog can now be reached at:

blog.chrisbaik.com

and my tumblr is at:

tumblr.chrisbaik.com

So..

This is what I wrote down on my phone yesterday:

"Fire fall down consume our offering show the world who is the true God"

And the thought arose when I saw a picture on BBC of Muslims in Bahrain crying at their morning prayers because of the protests and people having died there. It gave me a thought - if they are truly crying out to a false god, someone's gotta direct them to the truth.

It reminds me of the 1:450 showdown between Elijah and the prophets of Baal. Elijah prays:

"Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again."
- 1 Kings 18:37

I pray that God is going to bring about His workers in all those regions and nations where revolutions are happening. HISTORY is being made, and the Church, all people who profess to follow Christ, need to be a part of it. May God be glorified because we throw our lives upon Him and put all our faith in Him - because He is that worthy of praise.

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."
- John 15:8

For me these days, the greatest joy seems to be the turning of our hearts back to the Father. The greatest joy of knowing Christ is knowing that through Him, we are transformed to love and desire the One who was meant to be desired. The prodigal son returns, and he returns looking not for sanctification nor gifts nor any other kind of blessing - he returns into the Father's arms. What is more meaningful in life?

Thank You, Jesus, for dying so that we might learn to desire God once again, and make Him our greatest joy. The way it was meant to be.

unprecedented unity

Give a shout if you think God is unifying His Church in a way like you've never seen before.

I'm SHOUTING. Ask me why if you see me in person. Things are crazy.

...that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one — I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
- John 17:21-23

no more comfort

1) I love comfort. This moment, I was just challenged as I was praying that I don't want God to move. I really don't. It's like our pastor always says, "Don't pray for revival. It's gonna mess up your schedule."

I don't want God to do amazing things through me. It makes me squirm on the inside because I know it's going to involve discomfort, and it's going to involve God doing things and not me. When I pray for amazing things to happen, my heart is seldom in it. Let that change, God.

I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.
- Psalm 44:6-8

And life isn't always going to be peaches and cream just because we trust in God either. I don't think that actually struck me until just now, but later in Psalm 44, the psalmist is basically asking God, "Why? It's not like we worshipped idols? Why are we getting screwed over? Why are our enemies victorious? What did we do to deserve this?"

And they speak the inevitable prayer of so many psalms:

Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love.
- Psalm 44:26

---

2) In Chapter 3 of Crazy Love, Francis Chan talks about a conversation he had with someone and a question that arose from it:

If God is so loving, then why does He force us to love Him?

It was referring to the idea of hell. Why is God saying, if You don't love me, then You're going to hell? Why does he threaten us?

Francis Chan explains it as saying that God wouldn't truly be loving if He didn't use every means possible to bring us back to Him and to realize that our greatest joy is Him. I'm still kinda meh/iffy on that, but it's an acceptable answer.

On the other hand, what I do realize is that God isn't a God of empty threats. Hell is real. He's not going to say, "Just kidding, I just said that so you would try harder." No.

And they will know that I am the Lord; I did not threaten in vain to bring this calamity on them.
- Ezekiel 6:10

He's not kidding when He says hell is... yeah. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. I've never seen teeth gnashed, and that says something about hell.

And I remember this yesterday, when David told us we're gonna run this last set of suicides, and that we're gonna run another one unless we beat him. I thought he was joking. He wasn't.

I ran till I died on that one that I thought was the last, and when it turned out not to be the last, I literally died on the next one. My legs were lactic-acidified before we even started. David didn't make an empty threat. I don't think God is, either.

breaking (quite literally)

Our LIFE group time today was anything but routine.

Normal procedure is as follows:
1) Sit and wait for everyone to show up ~20 minutes late.
2) Pray and sing a song for about 5~10 minutes.
3) Get Bible study. Break into small huddle groups. Set time limit that no one actually follows.
4) Get back together, discuss, share.
5) Give announcements.
6) Eat, talk.
7) Leave, see each other next Tuesday.

Today:
1) Sit and wait for everyone to show up ~20 minutes late.
2) Give announcements, eat.
3) Pray and sing songs for... I don't actually know how long.
4) Talk about how hard praying was.
5) Go to the gym.
6) Do a one and a half hour death workout led by a D1 athlete.
7) Study.

Whoa. This is good. I've been praying about not having routine, and yeah. That's what I get.

Not only that, but this morning, there was a lingering anticipation for our gathering that settled in for the day. I don't think I've ever been so excited to have Bible study (which, as noted above, didn't actually happen). And of course, around 6:30, the hour before LIFE group, I lose the excitement. Because that's how things tend to work out. Whether that's the enemy or just my frailty, I don't know.

But really. As we were praying, I literally felt the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt it in a while (and actually, maybe only once or twice before). To the point where my eyes were closed but things were bright, and I couldn't open my eyes. But that's beside the point...

After we prayed for what was half an eternity (my freshman year, I would've said it was two eternities), our LIFE group leader had a few things to ask.

Mr. Leader: How many of you guys were challenged while you prayed? And what were you challenged about?
Me: Well, I was challenged to understand the gospel more and to reflect on it more.

I think I said this because while we were praying, not much of anything seemed to make sense and praying with my mind was harder than anything. And looking back, I don't remember much, except that I was compelled to pray through John 1 (the whole part about the Word becoming flesh and making his dwelling among us), John 3 (yes, God loved the world and gave His Son to save it, and that people need to come into the light), and that line in the song "Hosanna" - "break my heart for what breaks Yours." Because I don't think it has yet.

And yes. I felt quite satisfied with myself after praying because even if I wasn't focused and didn't really know what the heck I was doing, at least I had a metaphysical experience.

Then we headed over to the CCRB (the gym) for a life application. Don't see the obvious tieback? Let me help you out:

Exercising our spiritual muscles in prayer and perseverance is a lot like pressing on in working out.

Okay. So when we're walking over, this is what I'm thinking. "Chris, you got this. Being more athletic than other people and having more endurance is what you've always been all about." And this self-confidence comes from my reputation. Growing up playing soccer all the time, I didn't have size, I didn't particularly have strength, nor skill, but I had a little speed and a TON of endurance. I would be running long after everyone had given up and passed out. And for some reason, I still think highly of myself that I can probably push myself harder than any other people can.

Then:


A mile, four sets of suicides, some pushups, and an ab workout later, I found myself on the floor, unable to move. The last couple seconds that I was running, I felt giddy. And I couldn't open my eyes. That's never happened to me before. And I was on the brink of regurgitating the chicken and potatoes I had for dinner. I felt dead.

And for some reason, this verse kept popping in my mind:

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
- John 12:24

I just discovered how self-sufficient I actually am. I was talking with someone earlier about rating our own self-sufficiency on a scale of 1-10. I thought about it, but I don't think I could give a definitive answer. But thinking even about my physical self-sufficiency - I always find my own comfort, my own convenience, enough sleep; I plan out my days so that I don't have a chance for faith. My self-sufficiency is at like... a 10. If that's even possible. Maybe more like a 9.5 now.

I think I'm on the verge of being "broken," so people describe it. It's just what's been on my mind, and despite past warnings of people saying "be careful what you wish for," I think I want to learn to die several times over again.

love and joy

Ever so slowly, I see this truth rising in my heart:

Over time I realized that when we love God, we naturally run to Him - frequently and zealously. Jesus didn't command that we have a regular time with Him each day. Rather, He tells us to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." He called this the "first and greatest commandment". The results are intimate prayer and study of His Word. Our motivation changes from guilt to love.
- p. 57, Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Isn't it a marvel that the first and greatest commandment will bring us the greatest joy possible in life?

john 15

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
- John 15:5-8

When I ask, "How do I glorify God?" I'm stumped nine times out of ten. How can we possibly glorify God with what we do?

As we learn to remain in Christ, as we find that apart from Him we can do nothing, as we learn that in our weakness His grace is sufficient, as we learn that when our desires slowly become aligned with His that we will ask and we will bear fruit, and the world will see Christ as the truth as we are found to be His disciples. We will be used for His glory.

(That was a long sentence, and I don't think it's actually a sentence. Oh well.)

Growing up, my questions were so... immature. "God, why don't You give me this?" "God, You say You'll give us whatever we ask for... why can't You fix everything?"

But the point of my existence was never for God to change to meet my needs. The point of my existence was to enjoy and know and be known by God. And He made that happen. And now, my greatest joy is not about me. My frustrations aren't that important. It's okay that He doesn't spoil me and succumb to my every whim. And it's amazing that I have hope for change, hope of love in Christ, hope of death to myself and to sin, the hope of His own heart, and the hope of knowing and being known by Him even more.

romans 12

On my list of to-memorize for this semester:

Romans 12, Philippians 4:4-7, and John 15.

Romans 12 has hit me like 40 times already this semester. Every part of it. There's a part talking about being a living sacrifice - to be dead to ourselves, burned up, alive in Christ and given wholly up - I believe that's crucial. Another part talks about not conforming to the pattern of the world - I've found that we can live radically in the smallest ways (in honoring our parents, or loving our work, or encouraging others, for example). The chapter also speaks of being transformed by the renewing of our minds, and as we fall deeper in love with God and are soaked up with His knowledge and heart instead of our own, our life philosophy shifts from "me, me, me" to "God, God, God," without guilt or shame, but in pure delight, love, and joy. And He makes His will known to us through that.

We are all part of the body of Christ. Each member belongs to all the others, and we all have different gifts. And whether we're called to be ministers in the workplace, ministers within the church, missionaries, pastors, prophets, teachers, apostles, or any combination of the above, we do it all faithfully and diligently knowing that they are all blessings from the Lord. Though we sometimes judge and knock each other down - saying "you spent too much time at church," or "you don't serve God because you don't spend most of your time at church," in the end, we are all members of the Church. Christ's bride.

Verses 9-21 have yet to come up, but who knows...

doing

I always like to do stuff. I'm a workaholic. Chris, the antithesis of a procrastinator... I begin work the moment it's assigned, finish it, then move on to the next thing to do. And I think deep down inside I have a strong desire to find a point at which I am finally "done," but it just never comes.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
- Philippians 1:6

The work isn't ever done till Jesus comes back. Slightly depressing moment for me.

Ironically, this might be the reason I'm writing this blogpost at this particular moment. I have time to burn, and I have to be doing something.

My mom tells me that when I was a wee toddler, I wouldn't go to bed even when I had a fever because I "had to do my homework." Imagine that same work ethic cultivated through 15 years of schooling. I'm a machine now.

When I went to visit my sister over break, I saw a note etched on a whiteboard in the kitchen; to sit and rest. It referred to Martha and how she was so anxious while Mary sat and listened at Jesus' feet (Luke 10:38-42). It must run in the family.

One thing I really want to learn is that I can stop. And that God will not love me any less, He will not stop being my Rock and my Shelter. It takes a measure of trust to stop and rest. A measure of faith that I'm looking for. As Jaeson Ma puts it:

As humans, we need to remember that we are not human doings, but human beings first.

a little sobered

"Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts."
- Psalm 28:3

There's enough "nice" people in the world. Are Christians going to be set apart because we are "nice people" or because we know God?

I'm reminded of this because of reading the Desiring God Blog today and seeing a Francis Chan quote:

"Try to put yourself in the shoes of an unbeliever who is seeking and comes into your church service. What is that person looking for? What does he want to see from the stage? Does he want to see a polished speech? Does he want to see a brainiac who knows more than him? Does he want to see a comedian who makes him laugh? Doesn't that person want to walk in and see that you are connected with God? They want to be able to say, "I don't understand it, but that guy knows God and I want that, too!" When they hear you teaching, is that what they see? Are they jealous for what you have? Are you connected to God in prayer?"

And it's sobering, because if the world ended today, will I meet God and say that I was willing to be used for Him however he wanted, even if it meant I wasn't the "nicest" person in the world, or will I meet Him and remember so many missed opportunities because I wasn't willing to say something uncomfortable? No one knows the time.

"Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left."
- Matthew 24:41

God, help us follow after You every moment, to take every open door You offer. The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.