fall - as in "autumn"

I usually write only my deepest, most profound thoughts on this blog, because I like to project a wise aura online. Online reputations are important.

Unfortunately, wisdom is overrated.

"Where are your wise men now? Let them show you and make known what the LORD Almighty has planned against Egypt."
- Isaiah 19:12

Yeah, unfortunately, I have no idea what God has planned. (Which is incidentally probably a good thing for the rest of this world. I would never stop lording it over everyone).

So anyway, wisdom is overrated. Someone mentioned to me that who I am on this blog seems to be very different from who I am in real life. Apparently, I'm more upbeat in real life. THANK GOD. This blog personified: some dry theologian stuck in a library, groaning over life's struggles and questions with only one worldly possession - an iPod filled with modern pop-acoustic songs.

So as a reprieve, today I'm going to write a short statement about how I feel today. Here goes.

The weather's so nice today I can't believe it's almost October in Ann Arbor. Usually by now the skies are gray and I'm depressed like no other. On top of that, where are the days going? It's already Thursday but I swear yesterday was Monday. That must mean I'm enjoying classes and life. Which is awesome. Life can't be any better!

how many times

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time, You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more

moment by moment

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
- James 4:13-17

I'm a meticulous planner. I'm addicted to Google Calendar. When I sin, I plan hours in advance, and then when it comes down to the struggle between my flesh and my heart, I go ahead with my plan. I don't know if anyone else understands what I mean when I say this, but most of the time when I sin it's premeditated.

My plans are often so much more important than God's. During the summer, an older brother asked me, "Do you think you're better than God?" (and I probably wrote about this in some previous post). And yes, I would have to say that I live like I'm indeed better than God.

I pray that this year, I can live moment to moment - because I don't even know what will happen in the next 5 minutes. I've had a taste of what it's like to be led by God and to be loved by God, and it's worth it. The eternal lie is that something else will satisfy - but it never does... no matter how long it lasts, the high wears off eventually.

His boat

"You're my boat. You're twice my boat. First you're my boat 'cause I made you and second you're my boat 'cause I bought you!"

spoiled silly

I read this blog post (How to Manipulate God) this morning and it's funny because I was thinking about the same thing.

It's funny because it's so easy to fall into the mindset of making God like Santa and thinking again that He's going to shower us with the answers to all our desires if we're good. But however holy and good those desires may be, God knows better and they're all coming in His timing.

I got frustrated yesterday at Prayer Gathering because it was hard to pray... the words weren't flowing, my heart didn't feel in it, and I couldn't really feel God was there. And all the while I was pouting because I was mad that God wasn't answering my prayers about moving in this direction or that direction, changing my heart this way or that, having His Spirit fill me... etc. I felt like I had the right to get these things because they all seemed to be pure desires. The thing is, though, I have the wrong idea.

Perhaps I'm spoiled silly. I remember growing up that my mom would always get me something if it was something relatively wholesome - that is, if I asked her to buy me a video game console, then she'd never get me one, but if I asked her if I could buy a book, she would always oblige. Consequently, I feel like I deserve, and I'm always going to get the best from God, too. And He will - it's just that even what seems "good" isn't good enough for Him. His timing is perfect. And I'm sure He wants me to mature and stop taking everything for granted.

So I pray that I'll remain in His presence, persevering and seeking Him, trusting that He'll carry through what He wants and that He will answer my prayers, no matter how long it takes. Because it's not about how I word the prayers, how long I pray, or how often I pray - it depends on God.

"It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy."
- Romans 9:16

Make me less of a spoiled child and more of a child who trusts his Father.

walking by faith

When we live by sight and not by faith, it's so easy to be deceived. We trust our eyes, but why?

When I was a freshman, I saw only what my eyes showed me - and I was guided by principles that were purely tangible and visible. I saw the externals of what church was like, what Christian life was like, and I attempted so hard to emulate it.

But to live by faith, to see that there is a deeper battle raging and a fuller life waiting below the surface never crossed my mind... or my heart, for that matter.

The truth is, you can never determine by what someone does who they actually are in their hearts. I wonder sometimes what happens with all these pastors who we find were closet pornography addicts or child molesters or atheists... and they had served their church faithfully all those 40 years. I know this is true by experience, because I perhaps spent at least a year (perhaps longer), showing up to church, not knowing why I was there, never having my heart in it, and just learning how to imitate the deeds.

The hard part is - if we loved God, we would undoubtedly show it.

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
- James 2:17

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that someone who doesn't love God can't perform actions. I could lack even a smidgen of love for God but still pray, still read my Bible, still serve people, still go to church faithfully, still look cheerful, still look carefree, while all the while tied up inside and never having my heart in it. So you know, it's really dangerous to gauge someone's faith by how many things they do. It's self-deceiving, too, in my case...

But what I guess I'm saying is that if I am to walk by faith, I need to drop the thought that the deeds will save me and that those deeds will show the world I have faith. I just need to know I am justified because Christ shed His blood and rose again from the dead for me... and no amount of works nor any effort could change my heart - God alone will soften my heart - and faith alone allows me to accept Christ.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
- Ezekiel 36:26

To walk by faith and not by sight sometimes means to stop looking for outward signs of genuine faith and realize that I could never fully know... but I can only trust.

That, to me, is much more beautiful than the tangible - some formula for knowing God.