your move

I just spent a week in New Jersey and New York, mostly to serve at a youth group retreat with a few people from our church. I had a sweet time with some sweet people praising a sweet God. I'm on cloud nine after getting back and though hard times will come again I'm thankful for what I experienced.

The night before the retreat in New Jersey I stayed over at someone's place and we played some Chinese chess. It's one of those things (along with ping pong and go and tennis) that I attempted to play with my dad but lost motivation very quickly because I always got creamed.

As we were at the retreat, our pastor spoke about how we're to trust in the delays in life that frustrate us because ultimately God has a plan. And to me, that trust and faith extends not only to delays but to failures and suffering and pain - all these things have a place in God's plan to have us rejoice and delight in Him at the end of all things.

"Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (John 11:40)

And then I started thinking about the way I've lived life, and the way my college career played out, and the way I play chess (Chinese or otherwise).

When I'm intent on winning the game, I get into it. I stare at the board, do a depth-first search through all the possibilities, look at which move will have the least risk, and I take it. Usually, my foresight is pretty limited, so I'll end up losing one way or another because I'll forget that I left my other piece vulnerable because I'm focused on one way of doing things.

The absolute worst is when it's the other person's turn and while they ponder their next move, I think about what I'm going to do next turn. I have my plan of action all mapped out. My horse will take two turns to trap my opponents king, locking him in with no route of escape as he faces my queen...

Except it never works out that way. My opponent usually has something up his sleeve because he's thinking as hard as I am and he sees things from his perspective which is completely different from mine. And as he makes a move, he messes up my plan and I have to scramble and find a way to respond to his attack. The hunter becomes the hunted.

Quite similarly, my college career was spent thinking really hard and making a lot of plans and being impatient. I would always hear the vision of what we should look like as ideal Christians, what we should be like as college students living for God, took it to heart, and started crafting my way of getting there. I was desperate for something to happen. A book I picked up mentioned something along those lines:

"...we think that God will only be present if we work ourselves into a spiritually aware state. Spiritual squinting - straining to make out some sense of God - is worse than useless. Far from leading us into a deep sense of God's reality, it tends to make us frustrated with his elusiveness. Instead of effort, we need simplicity and relaxation." (Andy Crouch, Worship Team Handbook)

I did my fair share of squinting, and it got me nowhere. We often had times to share testimonies, and mine didn't often seem too real or honest when I was sharing them because I don't think I let God take control. I had my plan firmly in mind and it had to happen my way, and consequently, I think I missed out on a lot. I thought it was my turn to move when it was His. It's evidenced by this question that was asked during the retreat:

When is the last time God 'blind-sided' me and spoke in a way I did not expect?

Not very often. Not very often at all.

But when I think about it, God did some crazy things in my heart and in my life this past year (reflection still pending...) that would have never happened in the past, and He's graciously letting me know what kind of posture I should have in the future.

God, You are sovereign. Your every move dictates mine, no matter how hard I try to make things work and beat you. I have no strategy but to surrender. It's your move, God.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O Lord... All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:1-4, 16)

day 22

day 22
would you ever go on a blind date with someone your friend recommends? why or why not?

Hmm. Probably not. This answer may or may not change in 10 years, but I can't imagine how awkward it would be (for me, at least) for the sole purpose of seeing if you'd want to get romantically involved or not. Plus I think I'd like to see people in their natural habitat before going on any form of a date with them.

I'm sure the point is moot because I'm not actually looking right now...

day 16 to 21

I'm very behind.. here's major catch-up!

day 16
What is the fondest memory you have of your parents?
I think some of the fondest memories I have of my mom is her extravagant, overwhelming love. I told her one time that I loved Fruit Roll-Ups, and she went and bought this mega 100-pack at Sam's Club. At that point, and many times after, I had to tell her to scale back because I would start hating things I loved because I had too much of it. I was spoiled, and looking back I'm so thankful to have a mom who was willing to go to any end to see me happy. It's easier to understand God who works for the good of those who love Him when I think of my mom.

For my dad, I remember he used to go play ping pong with me on weekends or take me hiking. And though we didn't talk all that much, he enjoyed spending time with me, and I'm so thankful for those times.

You know, growing up, it wasn't perfect, but... when I finally started to admit that my parents' love wasn't all that bad or imperfect, I started to see the beauty of God's love, too. He has all that love that I received and so much more.

day 17
advice from parents that's been timelessly true
I don't know how many times this has been spoken out loud, but one thing I really appreciate is the way my parents demonstrated and taught integrity. I won't say my family was the most open family and there were things we hid from each other and other people (and this contributes to my rampant idealistic perfectionism), but I appreciate that I was expected to do the right thing whether people were watching or not.

Sometimes I go in the bathroom and use the last bit of toilet paper, and I know I could walk out and hinge the blame on someone else for not replacing the toilet paper roll, but I do make the effort to go downstairs and grab a new roll and put it in the bathroom before leaving. Perhaps no one will ever know or appreciate it, but my parents taught me that that doesn't matter. We're doing things for the glory of God, after all.

day 18
one superpower I wish I had, and why?
To never be tired. I hate being sleepy and falling asleep everywhere.. though if I never got tired, sleep wouldn't be as sweet as it is now. I used to have trouble falling asleep in high school, now I knock out within 3 seconds of getting on my bed.

day 19
one story about a best friend growing up
Growing up, I always had one friend (and this person changed pretty frequently) that I knew I was going to call after school ended to hang out with me. In 2nd grade, I knew this nice dude named David (he goes to college in Toronto now), and he was my "best friend." At one point, we used to hang out during recess time at this playground in a park near our school, and there was this one not-cool-slash-awkward kid who kept chasing us around. I got pretty annoyed because I thought I was too cool for him, so I incited David to write a hate letter to this other kid. So we both wrote our letters... and mine went something like "You are ddong [poop in Korean]. I hate you." I slipped it in his bag. Then he told his sister and the principal found out and we got in trouble. Then I lied to my mom about it. I bet she knew the truth though. And I think she sometimes reads this blog so maybe she'll make a comment about it our next phone call...

Sigh... who knew that children could be so evil?

day 20
what have you been learning during this fast?
Honestly, I don't spend that much time on Facebook. Maybe I should've fasted from Google Reader instead because that does take up a lot of my time. On the other hand, that is how I stay connected with the world and learn a bunch of new things.

Like Katie, I've been learning that some of you are awesome writers. I kid you not, I have LOLed reading blogs more this past couple weeks than I ever have. Please don't stop using God's gift to you!

Anyway, in the span of time we've had this fast though, I've learned a whole bunch about a whole lot of other things in life. Like how important it is to be thankful, and how you can't be proud if you're thankful. About the power of affirming words in me and in others. About how only the gospel truly changes people. About how much growing we have coming as men.

day 21
Bible passage that spoke to you the most this semester
This one's a toughie. There's been things that have spoken to me here and there at just the right time... and I'm starting to see how important it is to be continually digging into the Word and just being a tree planted by streams of water. It's not a chore so much as it is a necessity, because I know what it feels like to be starving for the Word.

Two that come to mind are from the beginning of the semester and last week:

"I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (Lamentations 3:24)

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5-6)

It reminds me that God is sovereign, that I'm where I'm supposed to be in life and I don't have to be anxious.

It reminds me that though I'm far from where people want me to be, God wants me to be here, now.

It reminds me that it is God who satisfies me, not my circumstances.

It reminds me that God is pleased with me because of Jesus' blood and because of His provisions, not because of my efforts.

It reminds me that God loves me just for who I am right now, and that He will provide an inheritance in the future.

the joy of giving

We always tell kids to give, because sharing is caring. It really is. Caring for others, but mostly caring for yourself. I'm convinced that one of the things that makes people most happy is when we love someone, and we are able to give them a gift or a token of appreciation and have them appreciate it and gratefully accept it.

i am me, now, for a reason

Sifting through my morning Google Reader routine, I read an article (Standing on Your Tiptoes) that struck a pretty deep chord in me. It describes what I was like as a physical child, and what I'm like as a spiritual child.

The physical:

My parents put me in school a year early. I don't know how intentional this was. I always thought it was because private Christian international schools in Korea were pretty expensive and they weren't about to burn a few K on kindergarten. Which meant I missed out on naptime, a crucial life skill.

What this meant for me was that I always ended up being a full foot or so shorter than everyone else. I think I hit my growth spurt pretty late, too, so up until 11th grade, I looked like I was 12. There are pictures in my middle school yearbook of me playing on the soccer team, literally half the size of my teammates. I'd always get shoes a size bigger so that I could grow into them, bought medium-sized t-shirts hoping they'd fit (they still don't, really) one day. Needless to say, I was anxious to grow and get taller.

My nickname was "peanut." I'm not sure where this came from, but one theory is that in Korean you can say "ddang-kkoma" which is literally "ground-child" which sounds similar to "ddang-kohng" which is "peanut," so as a child who dwells close to the ground, I was a "peanut." I guess I embraced it. I own cbpeanut@yahoo.com and peanutsrule@hotmail.com. Not sure if I really liked it, now that I look back.

The article resonates with me, because I went to the doctors' office anticipating that their accurate measures would tell me that I grew at least a little. I'd stand with my feet as close together as possible, holding myself as tightly as possible, and putting my weight on the balls of my feet so that my heels might rise a little... I wanted to be tall.

The spiritual:

You know, it's not hard to emulate the external workings of Jesus in someone's heart. I mean, you just have to go pray all the time, make every meeting, look like you're worshiping with passion, share the gospel with people around you, talk about God constantly, never visit a party... But something always seems wrong, because people can tell when you're a four-foot-tall child trying to march like a six-foot-tall man. People can tell when you're not comfortable in your own skin.

A huge fear in me is that I'm not where I'm "supposed to be," whatever that means. I spent a lot of my undergrad years trying to "be" at this supposed place, because it wasn't ever enough to be... not spiritually healthy. I guess I didn't understand. The article hits the nail on the head:

God has already graciously given me everything I need to be pleasing in his sight.

And there was one day when the pieces did start coming together. I remember asking my pastor for prayer and his prayer was something along the lines of, "Thank you, God, that you're showing him these things now and not before, because your timing is perfect." And it's true.

I forget this, a lot. There are often times when people ask me how I'm doing and my tongue just feels like a brick and my mind shuts down because I'm afraid to admit that I'm not where I think I should be. And oftentimes, the place I think I should be is a place I would realistically never be. It doesn't help the situation, because then they just tell me to be honest, and I genuinely can't.

The hope that frees me from this is the hope of Ephesians 1:4: That through Christ, I am holy and blameless in his sight. Not anyone else's, not my own, but his sight. I just forget it so easily.

I am where I am because God put me here; I am who I am because that is where God wants me to be. I choose to trust Him.

"The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time." (Psalm 145:15)

day 15

day 15
prayer request for break

1) Quality time with God and alone. And with people.
2) Joy.
3) Peace.
4) Patience.

the meanest thing you've ever done to someone else

okay, I have a long list of these. Pick one?

This girl got me a jar of hand-folded origami stars in elementary school, and I was terrified of girls. So when she gave it to me, I didn't know how to react so I threw it in the trash in front of her.

day 14

my Christmas wishlist - and these are just going to be going from (at least for now) least to most likely:

• quality time with family
• a car
• a nice guitar
• a MacBook Air
• funding for my job next semester
• letters and cards, from ... anybody :)
• some time to rest, sleep, pray, reflect, and replenish for next semester. I want to read a book. I want to sing songs. I want to sit on a high hill overlooking a town somewhere or by the lakeside..

Undefeated, I thank God for all the unique people that each one of you are. Sometimes my patience is challenged, many times I can't do anything but laugh. I've been blessed by every piece of encouragement and affirmation I receive from so many of you, touched to see God work in ways and grow your trees into bigger trees that bear more fruit. I think the one thing that most amazes me about all of you is that you're not afraid to be who you are. Of all the things I can call this group, fake is just not one of them. Continue to be yourselves. :)

day 12 & 13

backtracking a little.

day 12: one thing you want to see happen in our LG before break?
Perhaps this point is moot because our last LG is already over, but one thing I wanted to see was people genuinely sharing. And I think I got a small taste of it tonight.

day 13: favorite class you've ever taken + why?
My senior design class this semester was probably my favorite class. Why? Because it was so unconventional. Class was more like talk at a dinner table than class. We talked about things like - iPhone or Android? How long is Facebook going to last? Current events in technology, speakers from various small tech companies... It felt more like the real world. And honestly, I think it helped in growing a small seed of a passion about entrepreneurship in me. Something about it is just so... exciting!

day 11

day 11 - September reflection
1) What is a goal you had for the new school year?
- study Colossians. fail. I studied like.. 18 verses of it with Bo. Better than nothing, hahaha.
- learn by falling and being exposed. I'm used to being a great performer and getting good grades, but not so used to actually learning.

2) What's something that was weird or different about this year than what you expected?
I didn't expect to be working for truApp. That's for sure. As far as I was concerned, my only options were bum or go to grad school.

3) What was your first impression of Undefeated?
I remember walking into Angell Hall Auditorium B not knowing what to expect. I remember I was trying to be cool and I was a little nervous...

Okay, I remember walking out and telling Katie and Cathy that this LIFE group is not going to be called "The Treasury," no matter what was convicting us or what we thought. I remember before we had that first gathering that was a potential name. But after we ended up with suggestions like DOPE, that was most definitely not happening. This was going to be a rambunctious, crazy group of people for which a tame name would not be fitting. I remember thinking that it was the first time I've seen such an un-awkward group of people the first time we got together. Crazy times.

day 7, 8, and 9

I'm so behind on these :(. I've had a couple presentations this week and a paper to write and... people visiting from faraway places. And it's been a blast but the introvert in me is screaming - sit down and reflect!

day 7
1) What did you learn in November?
Suffering produces perseverance, which produces character, and character produces hope. (Romans 5:2-4). I said a few prayers to make life a bit more difficult, because I'm realizing that there's no way you can possibly hope in God if life is all good and jolly, put together, and well done. Hope requires suffering, so I'd rather know God with suffering than evade God without suffering.

2) What was difficult for you?
God was challenging me with a lot of things. Where is your heart for the lost? Where is your heart to give? Where is the child who used to pray nightly for his dad's salvation? Do you love the church? Are you thankful? Just to name a few. But more importantly than this, I think my character was being challenged a lot, and I was discovering how little of it I had, deep down below the external layers.

I felt like an egg. There were a few moments when older brothers and mentors challenged me, and it came to a point where I was speechless. Mind you, I don't have many of these moments because I can generally talk my way out of most things. But the shell cracked, the white and yolk came spilling out, and I understood a little bit of what "vulnerable" meant. There is "controlled honesty," and there is "vulnerability," where you are not in control of what happens next, of how people will react, about what you look like, of your image, of how you meet peoples' expectations... and that's where I found myself. My protection was down. I was stumped and helpless, in front of one of my peers, nonetheless, and my skills and talents couldn't save me anymore. This happened around 2 or 3 times this month. So I discover how self-conscious I am. Not that I can do much about it, you know? Shells just have to be cracked.

3) What's your favorite memory from the month?
The juniors blessed us with a... prom-themed night and a dance party. I actually had a lot of fun. I'm thankful that people went to all this trouble to prepare something like that, and it's something I know our class needs because we don't get together very often. And it was a great night just to spend time with my roommates. We walked to the thing, and later walked home together, and it was like... bonding time that I've never had. Not that anything significant happened, but I remember just being able to share with them and talk about stupid things from my life and seeing them hear me out and seeing their empathy and seeing the camaraderie there was a huge blessing for me. It's an answer to prayer.

day 8
1) What stood out this month more than any other month during 1st semester?
Well, yes, the undergrad retreat. But my takeaway was more significant than the events itself. I checked the box, "Commit to running the race with your classmates." Because deep peer relationships was the one slice of life I've been missing all throughout undergrad. And God's been... making it happen. Even this month.

2) What's something you learned about God this month?
God is really deeply concerned with relationships and intimacy. And unless a relationship hurts at times, it's probably not very intimate. Because we're imperfect and we hurt each other, and God is concerned with so much more than that. He's concerned with grace, he's concerned with loving the messiness in every human being and teaching us to love the same in one another.

3) What's something you learned about yourself?
Man, I am utterly sinful and proud. I remember stepping on stage to play guitar and making it just about me. I was thinking, Wow, I need to be significant, I need to show off, I want attention from people. I have silent competitions with brothers around me because I want to be better, I want to be more well-liked, well-known, and... have status (Matthew 23:6). And after I had thoughts like that, I couldn't worship. But then I remembered what it means that "He defeated the grave." The grave is the place where I am so lost and so bound in my own sinful nature that I can't worship God. Jesus defeated it. I'm undefeated because Jesus is victorious and I'm on His side. And that victory is my hope to be able to worship, my strength to empower me to worship, and my joy that I worship.

I messed up, I hurt a few sisters I love, I accused a brother I love in my mind. But every time that I was somehow given the opportunity to ask for grace and forgiveness, I was given it. I'm part of a community and a church that loves me far more than I deserve.

day 9
How have you been blessed by Sunghyun?
I'm thankful for her honesty, that's she's not afraid to be herself in every circumstance and in every case. I'm thankful that she does her utmost to do God's will. I'm thankful that she's a prayer warrior - I'm pretty sure she might pray for me more than I pray for myself. And finally, just for being a friend who's willing to share life together and laugh together and teach me eloquent Korean.

one more thing

Today celebrates my 3-year anniversary of being baptized at Ann Arbor Chinese Christian Church. It's so cool considering we're having another baptism celebration this Saturday at the same place.

God's been so faithful the past 3 years. I've gotten to know him more and more, step-by-step, and I'm only now 3 years old:

Early 2009 - that He really truly exists (Hebrews 11:6)
Early 2010 - that He is a doctor to the sick, not the healthy (Matthew 9:12)
Summer 2010 - that He came to give us a full life and will give us a new heart (John 10:10, Ezekiel 36:26)
Early 2011 - that He is a God concerned with His glory first as we delight in Him (Psalm 37:4)
Summer 2011 - that He is a God who knew me in my mother's womb and loved me before I had a chance to earn it (Psalm 139:13-16)
Late 2011- that He is a God who is made greater in my weakness - when I fall and I let Him pick me up, that I know His heart that much more (Matthew 23, 2 Corinthians 12:9)

And slowly but surely, that He is a treasure worth more than anything else.

P.S. Shoutout to baptism class of Fall 2008! :)

day 6

Write out a prayer for Undefeated.

"Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the people of the world revere him."
- Psalm 33:8

Lord,

I thank you for this special, wonderful group of people who are... all so very different. We have jocks, we have nerds, we have geeks, and everything in between. We're all very different.

I'm praying that we do not fear man, but that we fear God and long to please Him. I'm praying that we'll want what you want, that we'll be serious about reading the truth, the Bible; that we won't cling to our preconceived notions about what it's supposed to mean to be a Christian or what people are supposed to be like; and that we'll be ourselves and wait upon You to work on our hearts.

Father, I'm sorry that we lack the grace. Ephesians 4:29 talks about... building one another up and giving grace to one another, and I've messed up and missed the mark, and so... we all have fallen short of your glory. I thank you that you still call us your children because of Jesus.

I'm excited to see what you're going to do, because I know we aren't named Undefeated without reason. I ask that you will make us the people you called us to be. We are always yet defeated, but no matter the circumstance, no matter the brokenness in our lives, no matter the failures, we know that we root for an undefeated God. You're the quarterback, we're the crowd. Lead us as you will.

I pray in Jesus' name.

Amen.

day 4 & day 5... (even if it's day 6 already)

Dang it, I'm falling behind guys. I can't believe I'm the one sending out the post prompts -_-

Day 4: Schedule + Why's
Well, let's see. Everything I do is on my Google Calendar, generally...

7:05 AM - Wakey, wakey!
7:30 AM - Setup for Sunday Celebration/run-throughs for service. Why? Partly because somebody's gotta do it, and because I believe that we want nothing to come between people and hearing God's Word and internalizing it.
8:45 AM - Pre-celebration prayer. People who serve on Sunday mornings usually come together to pray for service before service. I always thought people who pray for a prayer meeting are strange, but... we do this because we want to prepare our hearts personally to serve others (out of our relationship with God! - John 15) and to ask for God to protect us and to do what He wants during our service.
9:30 AM - Sunday Celebration. Two services, back-to-back. I do this to serve the people who come, and to learn myself! I fall asleep a lot so I might be the person most likely to need 2 services... It's a service because people are being served - the truth, the Word of God, and a meeting with God along with other people that can't be replicated at a football game... and I help with some of the backdrops.
2:30 PM - Went to East Hall, sat down and did a little "studying". I think it always ends up with a flurry of e-mails and Google Reader by the time I got studying it was like 4. A couple friends joined me so we sat and studied and talked together for a little bit. Why? Because I love my friends and I have a responsibility as a student.
6:00 PM - YEAH - my tongue's still scarred from HOTPOT with my Community Summer Missions Project sub-team! Delicious. Because we had great experiences and grew together and were challenged together - we wanted to catch up.
9:30 PM - Was late to a 9:00 prayer for someone at North Quad. I'm doing this to join in with some people who have a heart to pray for someone and support, though I'm not sure how much of a huge personal conviction I have in this.
10:30 PM - Made a quick stop at East Hall to say hi to a few friends and give Paula her umbrella... then I decided I shouldn't be here because I was going to be tired the next morning, so I went home and studied the Bible a little before sleeping at 12.

Day 5: what am I looking forward to this week?
Hmm. A few people I know are visiting from out of town! One friend from my high school, people from Chicago an older brother from Florida, etc. And there's a lot of birthdays this week. And... at the end of this week, my college career is more or less over except one paper and one exam. ALMOST THERE!!


- Chris

here's the gospel

"When you're walking through life on a dirty road, and you're clean and bathed, the dirty road, you pick up dirt on your feet. And when you enter into relationship with Jesus, your sins are forgiven. And as we walk on a daily walk with Him, we continue to offend, we continue to sin. And isn't like we have to go back to "Go", but it is like we have to come back to Jesus. And let Him wash our feet, not simply start all over.

So Jesus is inviting Peter and the rest of His disciples, 'Return to me, return to me, get here quick!'

It's amazing to me how many people call Christians hypocrites.

And I guess I want to get in that line and say we are.

But the interesting thing about what a Christian hypocrite is versus what most people think a hypocrite is when they're a Christian - I think those are where we get it mixed up. I think most people accuse us of being hypocrites because we live lives with dirt on our feet and then we come to church or come to community group or come to Jesus and they go: 'See, hypocrite, hypocrite, you're no different than me!'

And what Jesus is saying is, 'You know, the hypocritical part of life is walking away from me, not walking back to me.'

Come back here, that's not being a hypocrite. Come into community group, that's not being a hypocrite."

- Pastor Bill Clem, Mars Hill Church

This really gets me excited about getting dirt on my feet. Because that means that I get to know the Jesus that forgives the offensive me, the Jesus who is patient with the irritable me.

day 2 and day 3

forgot yesterday:


day 2
a favorite song from the 90's:


As Long As You Love Me - Backstreet Boys.

Why?

Dude I thought the Backstreet Boys were cool. And I don't think I had much exposure to pop culture, being in Korea and being a small nerdy kid who liked to play video games and soccer. That was life; music wasn't even on the radar. My sister picked up a Backstreet Boys album, and I thought my sister was cool. So then I went and illegally downloaded a lot of Backstreet Boys songs and sang along to them in the car. I didn't like talking about it with my friends, though, even if I didn't have much of a concept of "coolness".

day 3
A log of my day:

7:30 am - Woke up and went to our leaders' meeting at church. We meet on Saturday mornings usually just to pray, plan
12:00 pm - Spent some time with my co-LIFE group leaders planning out our future gatherings. Had some healthy and delicious food, kudos to Katie.
3:30 pm - Hung out with Stephen, grabbed a gingerbread latte from Starbucks then played some pool and talked about life.
5:00 pm - Went to an Angell Auditorium and worked through my e-mails and read peoples' blogposts, listened to half a sermon and started a little work on a project that's due on Wednesday - final project for EECS 497 which we super procrastinated on.. AHHH.
7:00 pm - Went to the Good News (Christian a capella group) concert to see and support a friend, had a great time listening to some good music :). though i was indeed a little drowsy...
9:00 pm - Someone just got engaged so went to go say hi and congratulate them. Walked out and grabbed a gyro from Rendezvous Cafe and now...
9:30 pm onward.. - sitting in East Hall, talking with some people on GChat about life, read a couple chapters of the Word because I was feeling pretty empty and I needed it. Feel a little overwhelmed with the hecticness of life and how everything is happening at once and how I need to wake up tomorrow morning.. I think I need to stop and breathe. Sent out an e-mail to everyone I know to help raise funding for our startup venture (http://truapp.me), and you can help here: http://www.intel-innovators.com/pitch?idea_id=653 (yes, I know it requires a FB login but hoping y'all have the self-control to jump in and out. and if not, then don't do it - not worth it).

day 1

My LIFE group is taking a 25-day fast from Facebook so we can focus on God more. Without distraction. And I'm sure it'll be helpful, because what consumes my heart and mind are definitely the things I spend the most time doing... (I nostalgically reflect on freshman year when I could be found sitting in a bathroom stall for half an hour staring at floor tiles - which were no longer tiles but falling Tetris pieces complete with rotations and cleared lines)

Today, we're to write:

1. A prayer request for the rest of the semester
   I wrote something down yesterday but I don't remember what it was. I have a lot of prayer requests this season. But to pick one: the strength to consistently love and pray for my parents.
2. A lesson we picked up from our Bible study on Ephesians 1:3-6
   My lesson was that... God decides who His children are, not me. It's not up to me to tell a family that their adopted son is not their own. They're the ones who decide who they adopt. And it has nothing to do with how well-behaved or hard-working the child is, and it has everything to do with the character of the Father. Reminds me of an article I once read about how a couple with an adopted daughter longed for the day when their daughter would rebel against them. Because that would be the day that their daughter understood that it wasn't her merit or submissive nature that drew them to love her, and that she could express her opinions and frustration, completely secure in her parents' love. And all of this adoption, the way that God makes much of us, the way that God chooses us and loves us and cares for us is so that He will be praised. The passage begins and ends with a single-minded aim - that praise will be to God the Father.

Follow the diagram from top left, to bottom left, to bottom right, to top right.

It starts with God loving people. And so people are significant. I am special. This is undeniably true. But it doesn't end there, as it so often seems to...

Then I praise God. And that completes the whole picture. Anything else is but... a broken machine.

reverence

A thought's been circling my mind: God is holy, but we really don't treat Him as such.

I like talking about how God is my friend. I like laughing in the middle of prayers, speaking His name in vain, having absolutely no respect and no fear of God. I forgot.

"Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness."
- Psalm 29:2

God is not just another petty politician I can bash on Twitter. He's not only a friend, but He made everything; He owns everything. And I want to remember the next time I read the Bible, the next time I pray, the next time I lift a song of praise, that the amazing God I'm able to worship is a God of wrath and justice, a terrible and holy God, yet somehow also a God of love who enables me to come to Him.

technology is so cool

http://www.google.com/insidesearch/searchbyimage.html

So, so cool.

why didn't he...

When Lazarus dies in the Bible, Jesus weeps.

In the past, I only knew that because "Jesus wept" is the shortest Bible verse. But this time when I read the story, I noticed that...

Half the Jews say, "Wow, Jesus loved Lazarus."

While the other half says, "If Jesus can open the eyes of the blind, why didn't he save Lazarus?"

And it makes me wonder which half I'd have been in.

the apple cult

Last night, I was having a talk with my accountability partner, and we were just discussing how much college students love Apple products. Except the raging dissenters, who... ragingly dissent to many, many other things also.

An article from August 2010 said that 70% of college freshmen entered college with Macs.

(By the way, I would like to clear up a bit of a misconception. For some reason, everyone thinks that "techies" prefer PCs to Macs, but whatever "techies" means, our professor pointed out yesterday that Mac users are the majority in our Computer Science classes...)

We call Apple followers a "cult," but it really, really genuinely is a cult. We worship the sleek, minimalist products they churn out. We know better when the next edition of the iPhone is coming out than where the last natural disaster to kill more than a million people happened. Such is the sheltered college lifestyle of people like me.

I used to think it absurd that the Israelites turned away from God and worshiped golden calves, but... we're honestly not too far off.

Of course, all this doesn't change any of the fact that I want a Mac. I want one. But it's sad. I'm just praying that by God's grace I'll learn to love Him and love people more than I love gadgets.

things are organic

I've never given much thought to life.

At some point in 10th grade, I was sitting through my non-honors biology class in high school sleeping through every single lesson, hating the microscopes that would never line up with my four eyes, knowing that the exams would all be repetition and regurgitation, and... ultimately hating the fact that the high school football players thought it was cool to copy off the shy, awkward Asian kid who knew how to bubble in the right answers on his Scantron.

Contrast it with the year before, when I had just taken earth science in my small private Christian school in Korea and absolutely aced it. Yes, it was memorization back then too, but at least things weren't alive and moving. Rocks were rocks. Sedimentary or metamorphic or whatever. And I was also taking computer science for the first time, and somehow ended up loving it so much that I decided to major in it. The building blocks aren't asymmetrical, messy, skin-prickling cells, they're bits. Ones and zeros. Absolutely as clean and pristine as a baby's butt.

But living things are a different story, and they were just... boring for me. You just can't manipulate living things as easily. You wait, they grow. The whole thing is one long process. Whereas programs make the imagination come to life in seconds.

I was constantly saying: "Yeah, I don't like studying living things." And looking back, I wish my parents were farmers or something because I think I would have appreciated things that I never appreciated living in my college-town, clean-room, suburbian surroundings. I never appreciated life, or nature, or any of that.

I've never given much thought to abortion. You see, I hate conflict, and abortion is exactly one of those things that is sure to cause it. It doesn't matter who you're talking to. It's like talking about Christianity, the War in Iraq, Macs vs. PCs, Michigan and Ohio State, or the taste of the school lunch that day. For some reason, everyone has an opinion.

So... I just heard this short audio clip about abortion, and it triggered a thought in me.

The one big problem about the way I used to see the world is that I basically live in the Matrix. Everything is a number. Easily definable. Asians are smart, Macs suck, things made in China are cheap, everything with a Nike logo on it is instant quality.

But when you ask questions like... "Do you know your best friend? What's he like?" "Describe the beauty of nature." "Who are you? How have you changed in the past few years?" "How has God transformed your life?" There just isn't a simple answer. You can't put it in black or white. I always hated these questions, and it makes a lot of sense. English majors are good at this sorta thing, engineers absolutely hate it.

I think the biggest question in abortion is, "When is a life a life?" But trying to define that is like asking when a tree is a tree and not a seed or when a teenager is an adult or when spring becomes summer. You can't draw those lines. And even if you did, everyone's would be somewhat different. And I don't think we were meant to have the answer to those questions.

And as humans, we look for loopholes. I ask things like: "God, exactly how much do you want me to give? $13 or $14.20?" Or... "exactly how many days did God make the world in?" Or... "okay, so exactly how much do I need to work to get an A in this class?" (I've been struggling through thoughts like this these days. My heart doesn't exactly want to willingly love God. It would rather grudgingly serve and keep control of itself.)

But maybe, perhaps, God wants our hearts. Maybe he wants us to stop bickering about where to draw the line and learn what it means to love people. To love people who've been in hurtful relationships, to love those who have made mistakes, to love the unborn children, to love the pained mothers, the victims of rape, the rapists... and maybe at that point, just maybe, we might know what was actually right. Maybe then we'd really understand what it meant to appreciate the sanctity of life.

business and the world

I've been thinking a lot about whether a business can change the world. Undoubtedly, you can bring material possessions, more productivity, clean water, technology, medicine, all wonderful things. But I'm starting to believe that absolutely none of this will change a person's life enough for them to be happy.

"Now a confirmed atheist, I've become convinced of the enormous contribution that Christian evangelism makes in Africa: sharply distinct from the work of secular NGOs, government projects and international aid efforts. These alone will not do. Education and training alone will not do. In Africa Christianity changes people's hearts. It brings a spiritual transformation. The rebirth is real. The change is good… . Those who want Africa to walk tall amid 21st-century global competition must not kid themselves that providing the material means or even the knowhow that accompanies what we call development will make the change. A whole belief system must first be supplanted. And I'm afraid it has to be supplanted by another. Removing Christian evangelism from the African equation may leave the continent at the mercy of a malign fusion of Nike, the witch doctor, the mobile phone, and the machete."
- Matthew Parris, quoted in Christianity Today

free to fail

I grew up hearing these words a lot:

"How don't you even know that?"
"Figure it out, you don't need me."

And it's made me to shape a lot of the way I am. I remember many a time in high school when my classmates would be talking about something pop-culturey - and I was just not that cool.

You know that kid who nods his head and pretends to know what he's talking about, completely extrapolating everything from the context of the conversation, but absolutely has no clue what's going on? The one laughing his head off because everyone else in the room is laughing but when someone stops to ask him "So, why are you laughing?", he has no response and he gets flustered because he just wants to fit in.

After hearing it enough, he's too scared to ask questions, too scared to say "I don't know." He's scared to not be at the top of his game, scared that he's not good enough, and so he has to force it. He has to mimic what it means to have it put together, and try his best to keep it together. And with a little wit and a little luck, you can fool most of the world.

"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
- John 3:20-21

It's a bright and freeing day when he realizes he doesn't have to be good enough to be loved. And we've all heard enough teen pop sensations singing about exactly this or guys saying things like that trying to seduce a girl. All very nice and fluffy. And I think to some extent you need to be demonstrated this love through people - but that's only half the picture, because you get a lot of people who are super nice and are always like, "Yeah, you're perfect just the way you are."

But he knows it's not true. He doesn't need someone else to lie to him - he needs a better reason. He needs to hear something different.

"You suck, you absolutely suck. But I have other reasons for loving you. I love you because I adopted you, before you knew what was happening, before you did anything to deserve it. I love you because that's who I am. And here, let me show it to you. 

I gave up what is most valuable to me so you can know who is most valuable. Me. I want you to know me. That's why you are loved. Not because you're beautiful just the way you are, but because I love you."

That's how much I understand of the gospel, so far. I can be me, not because "me" is good, but because "me" is fully loved. I will fail, but God is the lifter of my head; that I will get lost, but Jesus promises to walk alongside me.

The best part? I am free to fail.

until we all

"It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."
- Ephesians 4:11-13

Until we all. Until we all. Until we all. I'm going to try to remember this forever.

It's not about you, it's not about me. It's about us. It's so we can all agree on one thing, and know one man, one God, Jesus.

Until we all.

maybe i should've

gone to business school. I think that's how I think.

walk beside me

I feel as if one of the worst things you can say to someone is:

"Well, why don't you just fix the problem?"

So many implications in so short a phrase.

I had a conversation with a friend on Sunday, and I like to suggest ways that people can put their lives in order and be happier in general. But it's not in our hands to make such a change. Our lives are driven by His grace.

I get frustrated with people. Frustrated that they can't just pull their emotions together out of depression, frustrated that they can't just step outside their comfort zones and do something they don't feel like doing, frustrated that they break their promises, frustrated that they don't just study harder, frustrated that they spend so much time complaining about their circumstances, frustrated they can't just rejoice and sing praises to God. I oft feel the same way about myself.

How little our strength; how little our love for one another.

On SportsCenter today, they were talking about Tim Tebow and how much he sucks. Yes, I agree, he's definitely not a great quarterback. Not even above average. But one of the analysts said something like:

"What I don't understand is why Tebow doesn't just pull it together. He's a smart guy, he's a hard worker, he's responsible. Why can't he just fix his throwing motion? Why can't he just be a great NFL quarterback?"

In other words:

 "Well, why doesn't he just fix the problem?"

And I think this is it. No doubt he's doing his best, but we live in a grace-less world. What's amazing is that you can be a smart guy, a hard worker, do your best all the time, and still fall short of peoples' expectations. Of God's expectations.

And what this friend I talked to told me was that I was leaving him hanging. I told him to step out of his shell, I told him to find a means, to try harder, to work harder, because what he was now just wasn't good enough. I gave him a mountain to ascend with no path to the top; I gave him a river to cross with no raft. But perhaps most importantly, I gave him a struggle to suffer through, with no one to walk alongside him.

It's dang hard to love people unconditionally. God affirmed people when they were nobodies. So many prophets, so many people: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Moses, Gideon... Jesus loved the rag-tag group of nobodies he called his disciples before they were anyone great. But I think the greatest assurance of knowing Him is the simple promise that He will walk alongside us, no matter how far along we are:

"And surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

I want to learn, similarly, to say that I am committed to loving people, even if they never become anybody, if they never turn out the way I'd like, and to walk them through instead of beckoning from the top of the hill.

i decided to...

start reading blogs again.

let me feel you shine

Heard this song at the concert I went to this past weekend, and it really struck me.

I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need

It's so poetically descriptive. But it's basically the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis.

And the idea of surrender has really been lingering in my mind. I think I'm going to have to lift that knife to something but I'm not completely sure what, knowing God is the thing I need, and after I seek Him and His Kingdom, all the things will be added.

united we stand

Don't you think it's interesting that...

When you're drawing, if you draw many many strokes to form a line, it will look good even if none of the individual strokes is perfect?

When a crowd is singing, they could all be off-key, but all together, they sound like a choir of angels?

represent

http://vimeo.com/6783950
Someone sent me this sermon this past week and I really liked it. Apart from the fact that it takes a few knocks at Ohio State, one analogy left an impression on me:

That in olden times, the king fought as a representative of the people. One king would fight another, and the winning party would capture victory for his whole nation. Perhaps the modern-day counterpart is a representative in government. Maybe the senator that is championing our interests, the one we have elected. When he gets that bill signed, it's not just for one, it is for all.

And just the same, when Jesus died on the cross, and rose again, He won. He is the peoples' champion, the King of all those who struggle with sin and endure the battle against the enemy. He is victorious. He is our David to the enemy's Goliath. Who's side would we choose?

I want to write a song

about what it means to be a deer caught in headlights.

randomness

"Musicians tend to be good programmers because programming is all about structure. Representation is the essence of programming."
- Elliot Soloway

This makes a whole bunch of awesome sense.

the business world is harsh

"My name is William Lynch, CEO of Barnes & Noble, and I'm writing to you today on
behalf of the entire B&N team to make you aware of important information regarding your Borders account.

First of all let me say Barnes & Noble uniquely appreciates the importance bookstores play within local communities, and we're very sorry your Borders store closed."

Psh. Yeah right.

i want to live

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David."
- Isaiah 55:1-3

homework was fun today

I got to read an interesting little book with a lot of little nuggets:

"Why is programming fun? What delights may its practitioner expect as his reward?

First is the sheer joy of making things. As the child delights in his mud pie, so the adult enjoys building things, especially things of his own design. I think this delight must be an image of God's delight in making things, a delight shown in the distinctness and newness of each leaf and snowflake."

"Finally, there is the delight of working in such a tractable medium. The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought-stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the imagination."

"Programming then is fun because it gratifies creative longings built deep within us and delights sensibilities we have in common with all men."

"Human beings are not accustomed to being perfect, and few areas of human activity demand it. Adjusting to the requirement for perfection is, I think, the most difficult part of learning to program."

"The dependence upon others has a particular case that is especially painful for the system programmer. He depends upon other people's programs. These are often maldesigned, poorly implemented, incompletely delivered (no source code or test cases), and poorly documented. So he must spend hours studying and fixing things that in an ideal world would be complete, available, and usable."

- The Mythical Man-Month, Frederick P. Brooks, Jr.

one-liner

Man, I really liked this statement someone made at LIFE group today.

I felt like... it was the essence of Christian community:

Enjoying others enjoying God.

true joy

I love studying; I love being in class. I love Michigan football. I love video games. I love competition. I love sports. It's stuff I'm wired to do. I came in freshman year, wide-eyed, longing to explore these things and make the most of the opportunities at this school.

What ended up happening as I started gradually getting more and more "religious," though, was that I ended up suppressing my passions. As twisted as I think, I say... if my love for God is a 4/10, and my love for football is a 7/10, something must be wrong.

But instead of depending on God and trusting in the victory of Christ, I depended on myself. Do you know what I did? I knocked down my passion for football to a 3, instead of praying for God's grace to love Him more.

It's funny, how religious people are. I went Colossians 2:23:

Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Which reminds me that I really want to study Colossians this year. But in any case, I'm having a buttload of fun in my classes this year because I don't have to be someone else to receive God's approval. God made me who I am and God will work in me to know Him more in spite of who I am.

testimony

I sat down at the Fishbowl last week and just started writing... and somehow what flowed out was my life story, what I struggled to get out all summer, and it ended up exploding onto a 5 page Word document. Just wanted to paste it here.

So... here it is:

I grew up in a nominally Catholic home, as a good, sheltered, and innocent kid. The type of person you would think was good enough to make it to heaven if it existed. I started attending a private Christian school at age 5.

Despite being a “good kid” I wasn’t very honest with myself, though. My pride, self-centeredness and cowardice kept me from ever being able to see myself for who I really was. I received so much praise from people for being cute, for being smart, for being popular and all these things. I got so preoccupied with that praise and the fear of not living up to peoples’ expectations made me hide into the shell and begin living my life in such a way where I could mask my failures and make only my good come out. I took exams and could pass them without understanding the material – I figured out how to “cheat the system,” so it were.

“This is the verdict: life has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” (John 3:19-20)

I was acutely aware of not being “good enough.” God’s standard is perfection, and that standard was the one I set for myself, also.

“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48)

The first time that I accepted that fact, admitted I was sinful and received Jesus as my Savior was in 2005, when my sister shared about Jesus with me. Even after that moment, though, I knew that being a Christian demands my life, my all – and I was unwilling to let God be the Lord of my life. I told God, “Leave me alone – let me do my own thing. I’ll start going to church in college. You’re too much of a bother to live for right now.”

Today, I’m thankful that God made me live up to what I said. Halfway through senior year, one of my friends invited me out to hang out with him at youth group, and it was there that God started to drill in me the conviction that I needed to find a church in college. In addition, tasting a bit of that community when I visited my sister at her church in Virginia made me realize that that’s what I wanted college to be like.

“Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you. And the LORD said, ‘I will wait until you return.’” (Judges 6:18)

So I came to college, thinking myself a grand and dandy Christian who could argue his way and prove his faith pretty well. I was in for a ride…

Freshman year, I started imitating the things that church people did. I think I really wanted to fit in, and be part of this community, and like I mentioned earlier, I still knew how to mask the bad and dwell in the good. I was so excited and did everything churchy possible – it was so new to me. One thing I discovered, though, is that faith wasn’t about what I could prove.

Sometime in second semester, a friend from back home questioned me about God and why He didn’t physically show up and talk to us like He did in the Bible. The question shook me, and many other questions arose: “Does God exist? Is He really in control of what happens to me?” It ended up getting me pretty down, especially with the gray skies in Michigan. I went to church every other day, sat and stared at the ceiling because I couldn’t believe in a God I didn’t feel I really believed in. I felt like life without God had no meaning, so if God didn’t exist, then life wasn’t worth living. (But I wasn’t like… suicidal. Just really hopeless.)

One day, I was reading a book (Searching for God Knows What – Donald Miller), and it talked about a guy who had trouble believing in God so he went out in the street and yelled out to God – “You don’t exist!” After returning home, he discovered the irony of telling a non-existent entity that the non-existent entity didn’t exist. I tried that.

“God, I don’t know if You exist, but if You do, make me believe in You. If you don’t exist, forget it, obviously.”

A week later, I literally just… started believing. No one answered any questions, no one told me anything. I just believed (at least in the existence of God). Here’s when I realized… even faith cannot be formed by man – it is God’s work.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

The journey continued, and I participated in missions my freshman year summer with our church. It made me really proud because I was able to emulate what it was supposed to be about. I was nice to people, I shared the gospel, I did all the things… with absolutely no heart, but with sheer willpower. Sometimes, I amaze myself.

That led into sophomore year, which was one long year of living in that pride of being a good Christian. The whole year was filled with questions about God, and a full-of-myself attitude. It concluded at the end in one of my LIFE group (what our church calls our small group ministry) gatherings, where I was super challenged – people were sharing their deepest darkest most shameful things, and I could only share that I had a hard time reading the Bible. I started discovering how closed I was.

Break into the summer of that year, and our church chooses who’s going to be part of the leadership team. A few of my classmates were chosen, and I got really jealous. It was partly my holy attitude that thought I was the bomb, partly the fact that all who were chosen were the ones who participated in missions with me the previous summer, and only I was left out. I was left wondering what I was missing and what people were seeing… but more than anything, I saw my sinful nature. I discovered how proud I was and how much I cared about titles and reputation. It was so hard to share this with anyone, but I shared this with an older brother, and he just laughed and showed me God’s grace. And it was the beginning of the opening of a closed heart.

That summer, I started reading a book (Waking the Dead – John Eldredge) and honestly, it’s a little controversial because it talks about the human heart being good, but nevertheless, it challenged me to think about what the word heart meant. At the same time, an older brother invited me to lunch, and shared about how he was discovering that our hearts need to change and how we need God for that. He shared a promise from the Bible with me:

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

That was my prayer all summer. A few weeks before heading back to Ann Arbor, I was in Colorado at my sister’s place. I spent two out of my three weeks there playing Wii and watching Netflix all day. A week before returning, I received an e-mail from one of our church leaders asking us to pray for the upcoming new student outreach time.

And for some inexplicable reason, though I was never one to spend time with God except to just read my Bible and pray to say I did, I got on my knees and started praying all week and just spending time with God. God started giving me a heart, and he gave me a verse:

“The thief comes only to kill and steal and destroy; but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

That was the verse describing my junior year. Life to the full is found in God’s presence and with Him alone. Things that seemed bland and dry the year previous came alive for me. Bible studies, prayer time, all of it started coming more alive to me.

One of the crazy experiences I had was in November, when a guy named Jaeson Ma visited our church. We had a movie screening about missions and then spent some time in prayer and worship, and that time was like no other I’ve ever had. I personally met God powerfully and I felt so free – being able to worship in His presence without having to look to my left or my right – and He was just showing me my sinfulness and unwillingness to trust in Him, because of my pride and boasting in myself, my doubt that He was faithful, and my fear that He would let me go. I think I like to describe that night as the night I was really filled with the Holy Spirit… which is a little different from just walking in the Spirit.

“All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.” (Acts 2:4)

The time after that, for a few months, was just spent basking in God’s presence. I felt like I went to class, came back, worshipped God, prayed, spent time with people, came back, worshipped God and prayed, went to church, came back, worshipped God, prayed, etc… It was just awesome.

I visited my sister again during winter break for a week or so, and on my way back she wrote me a letter which I read on the plane. It said something along the lines of: “Chris, I am so thankful that you are so willing to listen whenever we want to sit down and speak of God.” And I read it, and I broke down in tears on the plane. I’m so thankful, so grateful that God loves me enough to plant something in me that I had no control over. There was never a day that I said, “God I’m going to love You and listen to everything You say,” never a day I decided to follow Him, but He was always drawing me near.

“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

During our Easter service in April, God allowed me to see what He was like. My whole life, I believed in my heart (even if I didn’t say it out loud), that if I screwed up, if I took one wrong step, that He was waiting to kick me out of His presence, to send me to hell. But the experiences of the year, and one song that was played in a slideshow at the service (‘Til I Got to Know You – Sanctus Real) made me understand that God is not capricious – He is loving, and His will is to draw me nearer.

The year drew to a close, and in my LIFE group for the year, I experienced the power of worship – and what it was like to have God’s presence draw near when we sang songs about Him and declared His praises. Speaking about Him on our last day, and speaking about His love displayed through people made me physically feel His love, and that was an amazing experience and amazing year.

“I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.” (Hosea 11:4)

I signed up to do missions again the summer after junior year. I was simply convicted during a retreat earlier in the year that I could do research and pave my way to grad school, which I was planning on doing, or I could have faith and believe that what God was speaking – to do missions again – was what He wanted and what I needed. Literally, it was a whisper in my ear that morning that God challenged me to do missions. And I had no real tangible reason, but I listened.

The missions project was tough on me. It was so different from the build-up of pride I had experienced my freshman year. God started showing me my heart condition. My supposed selfless acts were all out of a self-feeding nature. It was more about what I wanted from God and people than wanting to contribute and help the people I was supposed to be serving. At certain points, I was so overwhelmed with my obvious pride and selfishness that I just sat and cried during our worship times. I had nothing to offer.

Yet the people we visited, the people I was serving with constantly told me that I was a huge blessing. And this was bizarre. Either they were lying, or something that I didn’t understand was happening behind the scenes, because I knew my heart wasn’t in the right place. I choose to believe the latter – in God’s grace.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

My conviction coming out of missions was to love and serve the people around me. A sermon I heard the week before returning home to visit my family was simply about obeying my parents, apologizing to them, and loving them, so that’s how I headed home.

Through discussions with my parents about my future, all I can say is that I wasn’t very loving. I was pretty self-centered about the whole ordeal. It was more about me, about what God “wanted for me,” than loving and building a relationship with my parents. It was about making the right choice for me, not getting to know God and people. And this painted the picture of my life. All my life, I have been changing the way I act, trying to do the right thing, trying to make the right choice. But when things get hard and everything seems wrong, I blame it on the fact that I am doing something wrong.

For example, I had always been about doing things, planning events and programs and thinking God would do something because of the events. And I love doing tasks, and I knew that God wanted me to be more about people. My solution to this problem was to intentionally be irresponsible and stink at doing tasks and spend more time with people, thinking that this was what God wanted. But like someone expressed in a Youtube video, it’s like spraying cologne on a corpse. It still stinks.

“Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” (Matthew 23:26)

All the problems I saw in myself were only a symptom of the bigger problem. I didn’t love God. He wasn’t my Treasure. He wasn’t my friend. He was my Savior, sure. He was even my Lord. Reading just two chapters into Desiring God by John Piper made me see that I was missing the big picture. It wasn’t about my performance, about being perfect. It was about loving God simply for God - the greatest commandment.

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” (Deuteronomy 6:5)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

“However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” (Luke 10:20)

“But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)

I’m discovering that I need Jesus every day to love God. For my heart does not naturally drift to love God and live for Him day and night, it drifts to the self and what I want. I need the Holy Spirit to guide me and enable me to love God and delight in His presence. Right now, I am pleased to say that the last week has been awesome just spending time with God. I feel like I’m just discovering what it means to have a relationship with God, not just be religious. This is salvation – to know God and enjoy Him and glorify Him.

This coming semester, I’m excited to learn. In the past, I’ve avoided criticism, sought the praise of man, hidden my weaknesses, etc. But what I’m excited to see is that in my shortcomings and failures, I find the grace of God and the dependence upon Jesus as I am able to repent and receive forgiveness for my sinfulness; I find that I am able to learn as I admit that I don’t have it all put together. My whole life I’ve gotten A’s in school without actually understanding the concepts, because I knew how to take exams. But now, I don’t just want to take the exam and do well and convince people I am well, I want to be well on the inside and truly love God with everything I’ve got. And this is the hope I have in Christ Jesus.

“But in your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have…” (1 Peter 3:15a)

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:22-24)

“On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Matthew 9:12)

God the Redeemer

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
- Genesis 50:20

People screw up, but God redeems. He is sovereign.

note to self

Chris, whenever the time comes and you start asking yourself:

"Is it worth it?"
"What's the point of this?"
"Is anything really changing?"
"Why am I doing this?"

First ask yourself:

"Is God your #1, your everything, your treasure, your friend?"

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
- John 15:5

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."
- John 15:15

verses from this past summer

Psalm 143

LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, LORD; my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, LORD, for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

Malachi 4:6

He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.

1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

Matthew 5:24b

First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

victory

I think I understand the gospel through some odd mix of the Lord of the Rings, Narnia, and Harry Potter. Perhaps heretical, definitely not conservative... but those books are deep.

There is this one point in the Lord of the Rings trilogy when good and evil are warring at Helm's Deep... And the epic charge that the men and elves make when everything seems darkest is in the hope of the dawn.

They fight valiantly and recklessly, but with hope.

And we fight the enemy. We fight our own sinful nature. The death seems to bind us and we feel like we're overtaken, overrun, hopeless and distraught. But the light dawns and we see our hope and our hero (for us, not Gandalf, but Jesus). And the enemy is feeble. The enemy is drawn to its knees. They thought they had taken our only hope, but He rose from the dead. O death, where is your sting?

The battle is already won, and right now, we're just clearing the mess.

broken is better, part 2

And whatever I said about people, I now say about God.

He wants to know our questions, our doubts, our complaints. Because that's what keeping it real means.

He doesn't want the ideal Chris who speaks prayers that sound good, but the real Chris. He wants that, even if it's ugly. And he's pretty okay with being friends with the ugly one. Not because I'm anything worth looking at or hanging out with. And even if I can't possibly meet up to anyone's expectations, and even trying to no longer meet up to expectations ends up being an expectation that I'm trying to meet (do you see this deathly cycle here?), Jesus loved me and died for me. And that's proof that God wants to be friends. His arms are open wide.

broken is better

Redemption is beautiful.

I live a life full of perfect, pristine, and non-confrontational relationships. But the closest people in my life are the people I've fought, argued, or had some kind of tension with.

This past week I've had a few moments where I've just wanted to flip out at people. And I'm really thankful, because I'm no longer trying to create relationships that are somehow perfect. I'm finally realizing how human I am. And I am literally moved to tears in ways I've never been because of the way that people forgive me. It is worth a hundred times more than staying politely distant and cordial.

now

One of the deepest deceptions is the one that cries, "There's always later."

Someone sent me a sermon from John Piper, and it's actually really interesting. But the conclusion is about the danger of sin. The things we brush aside. And I can think of plenty of examples from my own life.

1) When I'm addicted to something, seemingly as harmless as a video game or as shameful as pornography, the thing that circles my mind is always "I can stop whenever I want." And then I go do it. I hear people say they're going to quit all the time, and they never do. I hear people feel okay about doing something, and then all empty and guilty afterward.

That's what it feels like to be in bondage, to be in chains. Freedom is being free from sin, not free to sin.

2) When I tell myself, "I can always serve God later," or when friends say, "I'm studying really hard so I can glorify God with the money I make later," I ask the question, "If you're not doing it now, why later?" The Bible tells us we don't even know what's coming tomorrow (Proverbs 27:1), and that means that my plans are my god, money is my god, and God is relegated to a corner to be my convenient excuse.

3) When I'm doing a Bible study or hearing a sermon, there's always some sort of application to follow at the end. I often don't bother doing it. But again, if I'm not living it out now, I probably never will.

I've been doing some thinking about where I'm headed in the future, but God is probably more concerned with where I am now and what I'm doing with what I have. And I have a bit of changing to do to live it out to the fullest now.

haven't posted in a while

So I just thought I'd leave a small note.

I love life. I'm busy 24 hours a day, but to know that God has my life in His hands... it's enough.

I'm thankful, because when I ask God for His heart, He gives it to me.

"He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn into darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth - the LORD God Almighty is his name."
- Amos 4:13

I asked for intimacy, and I feel so close. Because I understand a small piece of how much it hurts for Him to see people blinded by the things that won't ever satisfy. The things that always demand more but offer nothing, when He's offering everything. Himself.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
- Psalm 37:4

I saw a dad carrying his kid into an ice cream shop. They were smiling at each other. And something about it just made my heart melt. I just understood - God wants that. Sounds sappy, but He just wants to dance with us, to smile and have us enjoy Him the same way He enjoys us - the same way He delights in His people.

And I'm understanding that He doesn't want me to just see church as tasks: I need to grow, other people need to grow, non-Christians need to be evangelized to... His heart is for people. For relationships. For love. Everything is summed up in loving God and loving people. And that doesn't mean that we have to try to get something done, it means we wait and we watch because God will pull through.

It's so cool, because God does display His love through people. And I never understood it until the end of this past semester in our last LIFE group gathering. I didn't believe it, but enough people shared, "God displays His love through people," that I actually felt it. God is there when we declare how good He is.

"It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them."
- Hosea 11:3-4

:)

Two exciting songs.. that start out.. the same.

Check this at 0:18:


And this at 0:24:

easter

I've been swinging through a lot of ups and downs (mostly the latter) recently, and through it all I've just been disappointed and mad at God because I forgot who He is.

I've never questioned God's sovereignty. It doesn't bother me so much that bad things happen in the world while God is supposed to be in control. For some reason, I just don't question it. But what it does make me question is - does that sovereign, slightly distant God care about me?

Because my fear, in the midst of not understanding anything, not being able to process the gospel despite my best efforts and greatest hopes, is that God just doesn't want me. It's an exclusive club I can't be a part of.

But this past weekend, God just reminded me who He was. If I took a few minutes to read through the Bible and tried to get to know Him, I'd have understood earlier. And I'm bound to forget again.

I'm learning that God's not looking for an opportunity to kick me out of His presence; He's reaching out to draw me in. He's not making me miserable because He's vindictive; He's doing it to refine me and teach me how to bear His fruit. And just because I don't want to be in a situation doesn't mean it's not for His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

It strikes me that in Gethsemane, as Jesus prayed, I think He didn't really want to die on a cross. "If it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." (Matthew 26:42).

I don't want to feel like life sucks, but if it's part of what God wants to do, then let Him do it. Because He is good, slow to anger, abounding in love. And I'll wait.

This song was from the Easter service slideshow, and wow, I love the lyrics:
'Cause I was always worried I was gonna let You down, 'til I got to know You

and additionally...

And tacking on to that last post, I'm gonna say:

"My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power."
- 1 Corinthians 2:4-5

And... read the funniest 2 verses of my life today:

"The Spirit of the Lord came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done. Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her."
- Judges 14:6-7

Really? "He liked her"? So anticlimactic...

be a laughingstock

Often, I find myself really frustrated because I can't understand the gospel, nor can I convey it in a way that makes sense.

But I want to be a laughingstock. For if it made sense to the world, then this would not be true:

"This is why I speak to them in parables:
'Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.'"
- Matthew 13:13

Right this moment, I'm okay with it not making sense to me or to the world.

Knowing God is the best thing in life. God loves us more than we can ever know, because He sent His Son to die for us, so that we could be free from ourselves, the desires of the world, and the sin that will keep us from God. He died to make a way back to the Father, by being our righteousness and defense. He died so that the chains of sin would be broken. He died as our ransom to the kingdom of darkness, so that we could be free to serve the kingdom of light. He died so that we could receive Him and trust in Him to change our hearts to return to Him. And so I turn to love and seek Jesus, because He's my hope for change, He's the only good thing on my permanent record, and because nothing in this world can satisfy me like the presence of God.

And this morning, Psalm 71 really spoke to me. I'm really thankful because I've been anxious and confused the past week. God is faithful - if we wait on Him, He will not let us be put to shame.

"My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
of your saving acts all day long -
though I know not how to relate them all.
I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come."
- Psalm 71:15-18

when you're in love...

A few excerpts from Francis Chan's Crazy Love, Chapter 6 ("When You're in Love"):

"'The critical question for our generation - and for every generation is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?'"
- John Piper, God is the Gospel

"The fact is, I need God to help me love God. And if I need His help to love Him, a perfect being, I definitely need His help to love other, fault-filled humans. Something mysterious, even supernatural must happen in order for genuine love for God to grow in our hearts. The Holy Spirit has to move in our lives."

"When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ, you do not have opportunity to wonder, Am I doing this right? or Did I serve enough this week? When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe."

"In reality, not one of us will ever be worthy. It is useless to attempt earning it; you will never feel ready. It is unknown and uncomfortable. But there really is a God who forgives everything and loves endlessly."

I love this chapter. This is all that matters in life, when you're in love. Loving God is the greatest joy in life - sometimes we don't believe it, but we need God for that. And Jesus died so that we could be set free from sin to experience that joy.

brace yourself...

I was super tired today. At one point I fell asleep on the bus on what was definitely a 20-second nap, and when I opened my eyes, everyone was getting off. I was confused. That describes most of my day... and yet, tired as I might be, it ended on a good note during LIFE group after a Bible study that I stumbled through in a stupor...

This is my prayer for the next few weeks:

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you...
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit - with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.
- Psalm 51:12-13, 16-19 (NLT)

The theme of this semester has definitely been "living sacrifice" (Romans 12:1) for me. And as Christ works in me "to will and to act according to His good purpose" (Philippians 2:13), I pray He'll teach me to obey Him, to make His ways known to rebels, and to return them to Him. To be used for His glory like that.

And this psalm we read at the end of LIFE group today just seems to tie it all together. In spite of all the "you don't know what you're asking for"s I've gotten from people, I've been sensing and praying for brokenness. God will not reject a broken and repentant heart. And that's exactly the kind of living sacrifice I want to be.

Make it happen, God.

my life is too good

First things first, I've ventured on a $10 a month journey to mess with a personal website. Web tech was always over my head but the flood of lessons from being on Web Team and EECS 485 have cultured a passion for geeky things.

Therefore, this blog can now be reached at:

blog.chrisbaik.com

and my tumblr is at:

tumblr.chrisbaik.com

So..

This is what I wrote down on my phone yesterday:

"Fire fall down consume our offering show the world who is the true God"

And the thought arose when I saw a picture on BBC of Muslims in Bahrain crying at their morning prayers because of the protests and people having died there. It gave me a thought - if they are truly crying out to a false god, someone's gotta direct them to the truth.

It reminds me of the 1:450 showdown between Elijah and the prophets of Baal. Elijah prays:

"Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again."
- 1 Kings 18:37

I pray that God is going to bring about His workers in all those regions and nations where revolutions are happening. HISTORY is being made, and the Church, all people who profess to follow Christ, need to be a part of it. May God be glorified because we throw our lives upon Him and put all our faith in Him - because He is that worthy of praise.

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."
- John 15:8

For me these days, the greatest joy seems to be the turning of our hearts back to the Father. The greatest joy of knowing Christ is knowing that through Him, we are transformed to love and desire the One who was meant to be desired. The prodigal son returns, and he returns looking not for sanctification nor gifts nor any other kind of blessing - he returns into the Father's arms. What is more meaningful in life?

Thank You, Jesus, for dying so that we might learn to desire God once again, and make Him our greatest joy. The way it was meant to be.