answers

Being a good Christian has nothing to do with being righteous or doing the right things. We view the externals as a line of judgment, but that just ends up with us arguing about the arbitrary, the right and the wrong. Christianity is about the relationship. Cliched, indeed, but true. We become and look righteous not because the question we ask ourselves is "How righteous can we be?," but instead because we ask "How can I draw nearer to Him, how can I please my Lord?" And this results in a drastically different motivation, if not a significantly changed behavior. Following Christ is a commitment to be free from the bondage of law and sin - for our benefit.

So what am I to do with those I know who are consumed with sin?

Have faith that the Holy Spirit will move. People need to start desiring God and a relationship with Jesus to be purified, not make sorry attempts to become righteous on their own. In short, no Jesus, no fix. I shouldn't have to hope that people will become more righteous or visibly Christian; only that they will genuinely seek Christ.

On a side note: I think my deepest convictions are only solidified as I begin to live them out. I had a moment of deep, heartfelt gratefulness today as I stood and wondered at how much God has wrought in my life. I don't know the point at which I've obtained enough faith to say with certainty that I am willing to lay my life in Christ's hands and say if I died this moment, I would be confident in Him... but it has come, and only through the Spirit. Another conviction is just the fact that I don't need to be righteous - God loves me the way I am; I am given grace. I can only believe this when I live it out and meditate on it. I've found I can't even change my own direction and beliefs... it is God who allows me to believe. Why do I try so hard to change my own and others' faiths?

I want to be undignified, to know that my faith and love for Christ is so great that I will give anything to be that living sacrifice...

"But I pray to you, O Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation."
- Psalm 69:13

Prayers are answered.

dilemmas

Often life doesn't just give you lemons. It gives you lemons and something-not-so-quite-as-sour but something bitter (like aspirin when it melts in your mouth). So when life gives you either lemons or crushed aspirin, what do you choose?

It's like the way I feel today. The upper part of my normally good leg has bruised and swollen to the size of an exceptionally elongated seedless watermelon, while the leg that usually is dragged along for the ride, my tumor-infested left, is the stronger of the two. Normally simple actions, like putting on my pants or getting off the bus, have become complex decisions - which leg do I attempt to put down first to minimize the pain?

Life is a series of choices. Often two distasteful ones. But who says I deserve lemonade, right?

Sometimes the easier choice isn't the right one. That's the heart of sacrifice.

hmmm..

So many thoughts, but none so great as my own self-consciousness. I see myself trying to impress again, trying to step up, trying to show that I'm worthy of recognition, praise, and honor. I speak empty words of modesty. Tear this tall tree down, tear this spirited heart down and replace it with one that knows that there is nothing to offer, nothing I can give. That there are no amount of daily devotions I can perform to prove my love for you, no amount of words spoken behind a closed door that will make you love me any more or any less.

And still I believe I can somehow redeem my own life out of my own righteousness. Do I need a healthy dose of shame everyday to remind me that my life is not my own? Why do I always have to be right? Why can't I take a step of humility and servanthood?

namesake

I write this post in the comfort and safety of my last-row seat in STATS 412 which is seldom interrupted during lecture... because of the blah content of the class at the moment. Simple probabilities... i.e. what are the odds of a dice rolling a 6? (I can't believe this is a 400-level class, even by name). I'm not in 5th grade anymore, thank you very much!

One thing that has been rolling around my mind lately is the importance of names. It says that "God exalted [Christ] to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name" (Philippians 2:9), and it's not something we should take lightly when we pray in Christ's name - it is the reason for our relationship with God.

As for my name, have I been living up to it? Christopher means "Christ-bearer," which I think is quite an interesting choice of a name for anyone (maybe I can even describe it as being ambitious). I don't think I live up to the name very well if I look back on my life, but to think that I want to be heading in the direction of living up to it means everything.

It's great, still, that:
"You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart."
- "The Heart of Worship," Matt Redman

So though I may screw up, fail, be shamed, embarrassed and shunned, it don't matter :)

enclosure

I like organizing things and putting them in tight spaces. I like the feeling of having a box fit perfectly in a hole provided for it, or having stackable things. Stackable Ziploc box lids, stackable boxes, stackable books, stackable plates... There's something satisfying of having something all put together and shoved in a box.

That's one matter. It's altogether a different manner to shove God in a box and tell Him He's only limited to what I can dream up for Him.

1) That He can't let Michigan win a football game. (jk :P)
2) That He can't change the hearts of people I love.
3) That He doesn't love me enough to know what I need.
4) That He doesn't love other people enough.
5) That He doesn't care whether people go to hell or not.
.
.
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99) That He isn't trustworthy enough to have faith in.
100) That I can't let Him take control.

give a little bit

Heh. Lest I fall into the trap of judgmentalism and arrogance again, I have to remind myself time and time again that we only know what love is because Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

That means, for me, that people are to be loved regardless of what's going on in their lives. I'm not supposed to tell them what's all wrong with them (maybe sometimes). I'm supposed to intercede, and let Christ's love in. Not hinder it with all my lectures about what's right.

Lately, I've been feeling so good and excited about everything that I'm scared when the bomb is going to hit and take me down again. But if it means anything, I hope to let my reluctance be revealed, because then I know that I'm depending on God and not my own strength (which is oh, so easy to do). When the end of this week comes around, I want to know that everyone I know and meet deserves nothing, just like me. They need to hear the gospel of life, of love, the only thing that will ever matter for eternity.