homeward bound

It's always right to go back to where you started. It's for a reason you have to come back home when you go out running the bases. You run to first, excited; steal your way to second; someone pushes you over to third... but at the end of the day you have to run, sometimes with people and the enemy nipping at your heels, all the way back home. Where it all started.

"Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."
- Revelation 2:4

The more complex everything becomes, the more every day becomes a list of do's and don'ts, the harder it is to go back home. As a child, there were no worries. I knew to lean on my parents, I knew they would take care of everything. Life only got hard once I thought for myself and started questioning the things they did. Why? How?

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'He has no hands'?"
- Isaiah 45:9

The motivation can be a lot simpler. No worries. Hakuna matata. Know only one thing (or two, depends on how you look at it):

"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
- Matthew 22:37-38

potential

Spent the last couple weeks in very, very mild annoyance because my computer wasn't operating the way that it should. As I'm stealing wireless from some poor family in the apartment complex, everytime the connection fails, my computer crashes for some odd reason. And it's been operating a lot more slowly than normal.

Then one fateful day, my mouse scrolled over the power supply icon on the way to the internet connection icon, and it said "Current power plan: Power saver." I switched it to "High performance" for fun, and it literally made my computer 10 times faster.

It hasn't been living up to its potential. I burned a grand (or rather, my parents did...) on this computer, and this entire past year I was using it in "Power saver" mode. I feel cheated.

I could draw an obvious analogy to my life here, but it would be pointless. Thus, I will leave it at that.

thank you

Thank you for the moments when I know that my life is not in my hands, those moments where I discover that no matter how many obstacles I hurdle over, there will always be a larger river to cross, mountain to climb, cliff to jump off of. There will never be anything in life that is better than what I've already been given, and I don't want to ever substitute anything in place of that great gift of grace.

A mirror is harder to hold. Thank you that I don't have to constantly watch my back, don't have to groom myself, don't have to love myself to live. I hate the way I am driven by my own impulses, by my own temptations, having no regard for what is good in your eyes. Isn't it more important for me to be obedient, rather than finding my own way of what is good? Don't make me the judge of everything. The knowledge of good and evil is a tiring burden.

Whenever I try to make life difficult, whenever I twist the trivial to make it significant, whenever I make the simple more complex than it should, put me back in my place. I want to live in your freedom, not a slave to laws and rules and relationships and issues and all that extra jazz. Thank you that life doesn't need to be complicated.

sandcastles

I recently read "And the Angels Were Silent" by Max Lucado.

It's a really good book. There's this one chapter where it talks about the worldliness of society compared to an eternal perspective, and it ties it in to being childlike.

Being childlike in faith seems like a one-dimensional thing - to be childlike means to be clueless, to trust blindly in your parents, and be dependent. It seems, though, that there's still more, as Lucado writes about building sandcastles.

The basic gist is that when children go to the beach, they spend all their time building castles with the sand. When the sun sets and the tide rolls in, they watch as their castles crumble, not expecting anything more. It's like the way I have fun building this intricate string of dominoes in some pattern, and then the best part is knocking over the first domino and watching the others fall in succession. Destruction is a natural part of both sandcastles and dominoes.

Humans, however, watch their castles fall and are desperate. They want more. They fall on their knees and try to protect their castle from the inevitable, then lay there in deep sorrow when they finally realize they can do nothing. Their lives are not long enough; their castles were not tall enough...

He gives and takes away, does He not?

temptation

Temptation is so hard to stray away from. As much as I try not to sin and give in, it happens time and time again. I am human.

As much as I beat myself down on this, I can't overcome sin without Christ. Thank God for grace.

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
- Romans 6:14

I don't want to live as a slave to sin.

I suffer from guilt a lot, especially after I willfully sin. It's kind of crazy how I somehow rationalize my actions at times to say that it's okay because I'll be forgiven. I need to learn that grace is freely given - that God doesn't care how many different sins I commit, He is my Father regardless. And fathers love their children no matter what. And it's funny because I think that one sin is worse than another, when that's not true. There is no hierarchy to sin - the only sure thing is that the wages of sin is death. Do you know what's funnier? I somehow justify that doing some good deed or thinking about my sin for around 10 minutes afterward, even writing this blog post, somehow rectifies the wrong I did through sin. Says a lot about my worldview and philosophy. Seems I still subconsciously have this superstition about karma - I can understand why some people believe in it. That needs to be changed.

On another (I would write brighter, but I wouldn't classify this as bright news) note, there is an article on CNN about a school principal and athletic director facing prison for saying a prayer before a meal for some school luncheon.

School brass facing prison time for luncheon prayer

At first, I saw my conserva-nazi side coming out, and all I could think about was how we somehow need to take down the ACLU with brute force... and protect the world from stem cell research and abortion and gay marriage and everything that is destroying the institution that is the Christian United States of America... but that's another story (or not one at all). I see a few lessons in reading the article:

1) It is an honor to be persecuted for the faith we have in Christ.
"The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name."
- Acts 5:41

2) We don't need to pray in public to show off our religiosity.
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."
- Matthew 6:5

3) This one is more controversial for me. This article still reminds me of it, though, that we win people by love, not by our actions.
Be sensitive to the people you are around. Stick to your convictions, but don't offend anyone.
"To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some."
- 1 Corinthians 9:20-22

And on that note - to think that Paul would use all possible means - makes me wonder for my motivation for doing things. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of a church, and why I go and all that. And as I think about it, it just seems clearer that I'm to treat it as an opportunity and an outreach ministry - so that "by all possible means I might save some." It seems stressful when I think about it as a duty, along with all the other spiritual disciplines. But when it is instead a privilege - a way to get to better know God, and a way to help others know God, too. Love is the motivation.

the simple things

It's really the simple things that matter. There shouldn't be priorities in my head. Whether or not I want it to be true, I always set things above another... There's church, then there's academics, then there's keeping in shape, then there's people. Oh, how difficult it is to keep it under control.

I need to understand that I'm in the right place at the right time. God is sovereign. My job is to make the most of it. I can't save the world, but every second, I can change it.

So the simple things are the things that matter: the humidity in the air that reminds me that I am but a lowly human being that will eventually melt, the joy that comes from spending time with family and friends, music that reminds me that all we need is love, and the small things we get to do to make this world a better place while we're here.
Not duties. Never duties.

the bathroom

I always think I am the master of the bathroom. It is a private and joyful space.

I sit on the toilet when I want, flush when I want, use as many sheets of toilet paper as I want, turn on the faucet when I want, turn it to whatever temperature I want, turn on the shower when I want, use the showerhead when I want, etc...

But when the switch to the lights is outside the bathroom, as it so happens to be at my apartment here in Korea, then who's really in control?

No matter how much I can delude myself into thinking that I am the master of my own life, I'm not in control of the lights.

whack

I feel whack. I'm not sure if there's any way to express how I feel. I mean it has to be a disease or something when you're sitting and you know what you want to believe in but sometimes it's just hard to get to the point of saying you do believe in something. Sometimes I just hope the tears will flow from my eyes as an affirmation of the fact that I do believe, that I have faith in something worth living for. Sometimes I wish that the chills will come down my spine in confirmation that there is something more than what I've been thinking about.

Complexity made simple. It's what my life needs to be like. Simply understanding the Gospel and knowing God is the hardest part for me - I still care for myself so much. I found I am sinful yet I'm unable to realize that I am sinful. Deep within I still think I'm a good person. I just find reason after reason to serve myself. The tragedy is that I know I need to live in service - by God's grace - yet I make my life a duty. And when I try to pry myself away from the duties, I find myself lost because I know no other purpose in the world. Living in the freedom I know... I can't do it. I hope to live in the freedom I have faith in.

pale blue dot

This is what Earth looks like from deep in outer space. A "pale blue dot."

An atheist friend e-mailed it to me, telling me that looking into the stars is an interesting way to find truth. Deep inside, I started having some doubts about my own faith. I mean, what does it really mean for us to live on this earth? Are we some fundamental accident? (And although I knew that none of these thoughts made sense, I think I still succumbed to doubting).

I found a couple answers in the Word:

1) "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world."
- 1 John 4:1-3

Now this one is kind of crazy, because I ran across this verse in a complete accident. I remember I was trying to read 1 John 4:7-8 to the Excel kids while we were doing Bible study, and I messed up because I saw that both verses 1 and 7 of the chapter start with "Dear friends." So I started reading this passage up to: "Dear friends, do not believe..." until the volunteers started laughing at my mistake and I humbly blushed. The kids didn't notice anything.
Well, anyway, I ran across the verse then in a complete accident, and I'm finding that my doubts are all rooted in somehow lending a listening ear to the "spirit of the antichrist." I take completely illogical thoughts and juggle them in my head for longer than I should.

2) "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
- Psalm 8:3-4

Astronomy shows a lot more about how Christ's love is that much more powerful. He who made the universe and everything in it gave up His only Son that we might live. We, who live in an insignificant pale blue dot in the middle of nowhere. What did we do to deserve this love?

one short prayer

I spent the past week in Chicago visiting various places and ministries and just getting time to unwind (the term being used relative to the past few weeks doing missions, of course). I just wanted to post a prayer I wrote out the first day I was there.

I am on this earth because I am to minister to the lost. Those, who, when the world ends, will not be with me in heaven if things continue to go the way they are going at the moment. I seek to glorify You, by restoring your kingdom on earth.
That being said, I can't imagine a life lived all the way for you and the people that you lived and died for, the people that you love, Lord Jesus. I am here, trapped in this wretched body that lives to please itself. For me, it seems to live is self and to die is self... and until the day comes around that I finally see that I cannot do it on my own, that I am not in control of anyone's life, not even my own, I can never know Your full love for me. So the stress and bitterness sets in sometimes - because I realize I'm no longer in charge. If that is what it means for me to be a Christian, then I am freed from my burden.
You are the One who loves me and is glad to take me in whenever my feet are weary or my heart is sick of wandering, but yet you need none of me. You could have a world without me and still bring all my family, all my friends, all the people you love to Christ. I find that my self-righteousness, my sense of duty are all meaningless at Your feet - when you are the one who makes your galaxy dance and laugh again.
Thank you, Lord. Take all of this world, and take all of me. As my Maker and Savior, you are everything.