the change inside of me

"Consider your own life for just a moment. Where would you be today if He hadn't ransomed you, if He hadn't liberated you? I'll tell you where. You would be self-sufficient, seeking to cultivate self-confidence for the purpose of self-glorification.

But what has happened to you? If you've been genuinely converted, you've been forgiven and transformed. And though for now there remains in you a temptation and tendency to sin, a fundamental and radical change has occurred so that you have the desire to serve others and to see God glorified. We know the inner call to lay down our lives for one another because He laid down His life for us.

What a powerful death! The cross ransoms, the cross liberates, the cross transforms! So make it your aim and lifelong habit, when you see someone who's serving, to be reminded of the sacrifice of the Savior, for apart from His sacrifice there is no serving. True greatness is attained only by emulating the Savior's example - and made possible only by the Savior's sacrifice."
- p. 58, Humility by C. J. Mahaney

I look back and seldom remember God's grace in bringing me where I am today, taking me faithfully from day one to day two thousand, one hundred and eighty-six. But God's been so faithful. It's not about how hard you try, it's about who you know.

I really like this song below... and they say it's about their wives, but since I'm not married, I can just sing it to God. :)

catching up on sleep

I've been sleeping 12-14 hours a day. It feels so good. I always tell myself I'm going to reflect and get some rest and relax when I go home, and this is the first time I'm really starting to follow through with it. It feels so good.

I've been trying to read "Letters to Malcolm" by C.S. Lewis for the whole semester, and I'm finally getting around to it. Speeding through the chapters. Unfortunately, so much of his thinking is so deep (and his vocabulary so archaic) that I don't actually absorb all of the stuff that's in it. I'd probably have to read it when I hit age 70 to actually get it.

But yesterday there was a page that struck me as such applicable truth. Page 65.

"I do not at all regard mystical experience as an illusion. I think it shows that there is a way to go, before death, out of what may be called 'this world' - out of the stage set. Out of this; but into what? That's like asking an Englishman 'Where does the sea lead to?' He will reply, 'To everywhere on earth, including Davy Jones's locker, except England.' The lawfulness, safety, and utility of the mystical voyage depends not at all on its being mystical - that is, on its being a departure - but on the motives, skill, and constancy of the voyager, and on the grace of God. The true religion gives value to its own mysticism; mysticism does not validate the religion in which it happens to occur.
I shouldn't at all be disturbed if it could be shown that a diabolical mysticism, or drugs, produced experiences indistinguishable (by introspection) from those of the great Christian mystics. Departures are all alike; it is the landfall that crowns the voyage. The saint, by being a saint, proves that his mysticism (if he was a mystic; not all saints are) led him aright; the fact that he has practiced mysticism could never prove his sanctity.


...


There can be a desire (like mine) with no carnal element in it at all which is nevertheless, in St. Paul's sense, 'flesh' and not 'spirit.' That is, there can be a merely impulsive, headstrong, greedy desire even for spiritual things. It is, like our other appetites, 'cross-fodder.' Yet, being crucified, it can be raised from the dead, and make part of our bliss."

I had this conversation with someone at one point in the semester. And this is after I had a bunch of spiritual "experiences," so I was excited because God seemed so real in my life. But he was talking about some special kind of Zen Buddhism or something (in fact, it was so obscure I don't even remember), and he was talking about spiritual experiences he's had and what he'd seen. But what this small excerpt talks about is that it's not the experiences themselves that are important. And people will emphasize that.

"Christianity's so much like Islam."

"Yeah, I've had experiences like that, too."

"Yeah, we have the same values."

But when it comes down to it, it's not the thing itself, but what gives it meaning. For what gives all the good things we do (and the spiritual experiences we have) meaning? Surely not us, surely they don't innately have meaning in themselves.

"...you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ."
- 1 Peter 2:5

Things only have meaning when they're lifted up in faith through Christ. We are only saved and restored to God when we have faith in Christ. Our spiritual experiences only mean something because they show we have been drawn closer to the God who was, is, and is to come, through Christ.

boldness

I pray not for boldness for my sake. That I may be a better servant.

I pray for boldness for their sake. That they might one day rejoice in heaven. And that day, I'll know it was worth it. Not because I was more bold, but because they were found by the Father.

missions

God's heart, and the heart for missions does not ask:

"What would happen to me if I went out and did this?"

It asks:

"What would happen to them if I did not do this?"

It is fundamentally the question at the heart of the Good Samaritan. It is the question he asked, and the question that the priest and the Levite failed to ask.

I've yet to finish it, but it's from this video:

stress

I spent a lot of my time in high school and college (though to be honest I don't really remember high school... I feel like I wasn't the same person back then) worrying about the next thing; the next task to take care of.

Do you know what I'm talking about? That nagging pressure somewhere between your heart and your stomach that feels like you've forgotten something. It's like your own personal Remembrall.

Especially being busy with things to do at church or at school or at work, I'm pretty sure I've taken 10 years off my life because of stress. Organization definitely helps, but I think it helps just to focus on the day at hand, the moment at hand, to live in the present and know the rest is provided for and planned out by God.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:33-34

He's got the whole world in His hands.

holy mountain

Some random, slightly unconnected thoughts:

Isaiah's really cool. And I don't find it a coincidence that I've ended up going through this part of the Word at this phase of my life and at this time of the year. I've always thought the Old Testament was completely boring and whack, but this is meaty. There's so many of God's promises in here it's amazing.

I just finished it, and the last book spoke to me. I read it three days in a row for no perceptible reason other than the fact that I just didn't want to move on without writing something about it.

"But whoever sacrifices a bull is like one who kills a man, and whoever offers a lamb, like one who breaks a dog's neck; whoever makes a grain offering is like one who presents pig's blood, and whoever burns memorial incense, like one who worships an idol. They have chosen their own ways, and their souls delight in their abominations..."
- Isaiah 66:3

And this so dearly reminds me of the verse that I never understand:

"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."
- Hosea 6:6

And here's the kicker:

"For when I called, no one answered, when I spoke, no one listened. They did evil in my sight and chose what displeases me."
- Isaiah 66:4b

So it comes down to this for me. I know I'd much rather make up my own set of rules rather than listen to God. When God suggests I do something, I turn Him down because it's too hard and I'm too likely to fail, and it takes too much energy to get out of my comfort zone and listen. Then I feel guilty about it, so I fall back on my rules and make myself feel better by doing "holy" things.

But God doesn't need my fake time, God doesn't need my sacrifices, He wants my heart. He wants my obedience. And that's just one thing I feel like I desperately need to learn - that knowing God and following Him is a hundred thousand times over more important than what "the right thing to do" is. For all intents and purposes, sacrifices are "the right thing to do," but they're not what He wants.

"I will set a sign among them, and I will send some of those who survive to the nations - to Tarshish, to the Libyans and Lydians (famous as archers), to Tubal and Greece, and to the distant islands that have not heard of my fame or seen my glory. They will proclaim my glory among the nations. And they will bring all your brothers, from all the nations, to my holy mountain in Jerusalem as an offering to the Lord..."
- Isaiah 66:19-20a

And this is God's heart and purpose for us. Those who survive are sent out so that God's glory and fame may be proclaimed and that the nations may hear of His name. Wouldn't that be awesome?

This "holy mountain" is referred to a lot in Isaiah - and every time I read of it, I imagine being in God's presence, so near to Him and delighting to be with Him... some real family time right there. It's like going home for Thanksgiving break - forever.

coming back

"Gideon replied, 'If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you.' And the LORD said, 'I will wait until you return.'"
- Judges 6:17-18

I heard this at Sunday's sermon (faith // part 2: future) at church, and I was reminded of something a while back.

Back in high school, there was a point and a day when I accepted Christ. It wasn't one of those Chia Pet-esque instant sprouting moments, and there's been long and painstaking growth in my life since then.

People would always tell me (and it was also written in the Psalty's Kids Bible I read when I was younger) that you're never too young to be serving God. Like Timothy - don't let people look down on you cause you're younger. And that statement seemed applicable because I've always been young, in every context, in every place I've been.

I remember saying to myself at the time, "God, I'll serve You when I get to college." I was way too lazy and it seemed too much of a sacrifice to give up video games and soccer for God at the time. I also saw my sister and how much she was enjoying her Christian fellowship at college, and every time I got to go visit her, I saw glimpses of that. And I think when I got to college that's what I was looking for - real community. So I thought, college is a good time to start serving God.

Well, I forgot about that for a couple years. But now, here I am, and I'm learning so much that it's ridiculous. The place I'm in, the decision to come to Michigan, the seeming coincidence at ending up at this specific church, it's all too much for me. It's as if God was saying:

Chris, go do your thing for a while and get your priorities in order. Then come back. I will wait until you return.

I'm slowly bringing my offering back and setting it before Him. And He's been waiting there the whole time.

I must admit...

That sometimes the deep fear that strikes my heart is that one day I'll come before God and He'll say:

"On that day, many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name? And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'"
- Matthew 7:23 (ESV)

I really want to be known by Jesus, and I really want to know Him.

I always ask myself these questions:

Why is the gospel worth anything to people? Why is it worth anything to me?

I want some tangible, material answer. "People will be healed from all diseases," "the world will be restored," "they will feel at peace," "never worry again..." But I find myself being fooled again. How are any of those things different from the prosperity gospel? Though it may not be money, it's still some form of worldly prosperity.

This article from the Desiring God Blog (The Costume Kingdom) struck me hard today. Because while I've been searching for tangible reasons for people as to why the gospel is important, I've been forgetting the real reason why the gospel is important.

God is worthy of all praise, and we are made to worship Him. We can't do that when we're caught up in ourselves and in the things of this world that we hope will satisfy us; we are sinful. The gap is wide, and the story is all wrong. God sent us His Son Jesus to die for us, that we might no longer be dragged down by our sin, but that we might be forgiven and loved by God, that we might be able to live in His story, and to do what we were meant to do - now and forevermore.

blind man walking

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. But those who trust in idols, who say to images, 'You are our gods,' will be turned back in utter shame.... Who is blind like the one committed to me, blind like the servant of the Lord? You have seen many things, but have paid no attention; your ears are open, but you hear nothing."
- Isaiah 42:16-17, 42:19b-20

I had a rough past week. I hate not understanding anything. I tried to process the gospel in my mind, but I couldn't. I tried to grasp the meaning of life, but still couldn't. It felt like a complete jumble... and I was just going through the motions.

But whatever I can or cannot process in my mind and emotions, I know this: "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30-31)

Faith is so valuable. I love the idea of being blind and following God. I think it's amazing to trust in Him who loves, who knows, and who created us, who sustains our every moment, and is even now writing out the beautiful story of each and every life.

And these days, I just can't take myself away from His promises to be our shepherd and guide. I first heard Psalm 23 in 1st grade and it was just a dry, old memory passage back then (so was 99% of the Bible) - but it's filled with so much hope when I look at it now - "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" - what are we but blind men and hungry sheep in trustworthy hands?

I got an e-mail today from the University asking for submissions on the topic: "Is there anyone left to trust?" I'm so tempted to e-mail them and let them know - we can only trust in Jesus.

This semester, the College of Literature, Science & Arts has a theme entitled "What Makes Life Worth Living?" There is no worldly answer. In spite of all our humanist ideals, we are nothing but arrogant, disobedient children ignoring our Father's pleas for trust.

And to know that even when all is taken away - our knowledge, our strength, our idols and all else we cling to and trust - that even when we have nothing, we are still God's: that is where I can find real hope.

I want to be as a blind man walking, having nothing but Christ before me, who lights my way, clears my path, and will never forsake me. I want to follow wherever He will take me.

prayers

One Way to Avoid Vain Repetition

I realize I need to pray this every day. I feel like I'm all good and well if I take care of my duty and solemnly remain in a reflective spirit, but to be honest there is so much more than that. Yet nothing I do or fail to do will cause my heart to change.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
- Ezekiel 36:26

God changes hearts, and I need to realize He is a Father who is willing to give. One thing I heard today was that the character of the Islamic idea of god is that he is rather "capricious." (SAT word..)

capricious - adj. characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable

What I imagine of such a god: "Eh, you're heading to hell... and this other one? Because he picked the right brand of bubble gum yesterday I'm going to send him up to heaven."

God isn't subject to whims; He makes promises, He makes plans, and He follows through. If He promises you a new heart, you're getting one, one way or another.

I just Googled "God keeps His promises" and there are plenty of references, like part of Hebrews 6:18: "...it is impossible for God to lie."

And trusting in God's promises isn't too easy, but it's interesting when you think to how much stories and testimonies of God's work are so interesting because people are guided by someone they cannot see, and are not motivated by what they know.

Confession: I'm generally (99.5% of the time) motivated by what I know.

But considering Abraham who was told to sacrifice his son on the altar? He learned his lesson after perhaps two other times when he made his own plans to get that son who would be the beginning of his great lineage... And after a couple screw-ups, God gives him another chance, and he follows through in faith, not knowing what will happen. And interestingly enough, God doesn't actually make him sacrifice Isaac.

Same thing in Isaiah 38 - God tells Hezekiah to get his stuff together because he's gonna die soon. Hezekiah starts praying... because it makes sense that if you're gonna die soon there's nothing more important than prayer. He has absolutely no idea what's going to happen. He just prays.

Hezekiah: “Remember, O Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly." (Isaiah 38:4)

And God answers: “Go and tell Hezekiah, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city." (Isaiah 38:5-6)

God answers.

moving

http://chrisjbaik.tumblr.com/

"they scored!"

Memories from last year's Iowa game:

Walking home to watch the Iowa game; I called David Lee (Class of 2013), and asked, how's the game going?

David: "Dude, this game is going so well! They scored!"
me: "Who scored?"
David: "They did!"
me: "Why are you so happy about it?"
David: "Because they scored!"
me: "What? WHO scored?"
David: "Donovan Warren caught a pick, and returned it!"
me: "So you mean, we scored..."
David: "No, they scored."
me: "They, as in who?"
David: "MICHIGAN!"
me: "MICHIGAN IS WE, NOT THEY!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!"

Most frustrating phone conversation of '09-'10 school year.

take heart and die to yourself

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
- John 16:33

"He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels."
- Revelation 3:5

"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."
- Romans 6:8-10

Something I heard at retreat:

What do you do with those who have already died to themselves? If you threaten to kill, they are willing to die for what they believe... if you leave them to live, they continue to preach the gospel.

If you have already surrendered your idols and know the Lord gives and takes away, what is there to fear?

morning

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
- Lamentations 3:22-23

"And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts."
 - 2 Peter 1:19

Do you ever think to how amazing mornings are? I love mornings.

It's sad that as undergrads, we gravitate towards a nocturnal lifestyle.. and on top of that, the night life is so hyped up that we expect everything to come of it. We stay up late, doing our "fun" thing, then we wake up feeling absolutely miserable. What's more, we miss the morning.

And I wondered today if the only reason the night is so glorified in our conversations and lifestyles is because we've never experienced the morning. We've never gotten up early to see the dew, feel the freshness, see the sunrise, or bask in the quiet of the dawn. Instead, we listen to loud music, yell across the street to each other, fight off sleepiness so that we can waste time, and refuse to look beyond ourselves. Then we go to bed.

What the world is missing is the morning; the light shining in the dark place; the day that is dawning. We sleep through it, consumed by our own passions, fears, and anxieties... We can never look beyond ourselves to find a reason to wake. We're missing out.

The morning is where we see the beauty of creation, the night is where we see the constructs of mankind. And my hope is that God will help us see that neon lights and glowing screens mean nothing compared to the glory of the sun rising every morning.

P.S. Jesus is like our mom. He wakes us up because we need to, even when we don't feel like it.

P.P.S. And by the way, don't you think it odd that when we wake up, we wipe the slate from the day before clean? As in - sometimes, the things you were feeling, the questions of the day before are gone when you get up. His mercies are new every morning.

astound me

"The Lord says: 'These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. Therefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish.'"

- Isaiah 29:13-14

Two things pop in my mind when I read these two verses.

1) How many times have I sang songs in church because people expected me to be there or out of obligation?

A lot.

2) Oh, wow. God's promising to do amazing things - to "astound" us. I just read a post (What Do Our Souls Eat?) about thriving on God's promises, which, coupled with faith in God, gives us hope. Hope. I don't see too much of it in anyone these days. But He promises to astound us beyond the scope of our intelligence and wisdom, which is awesome. Because usually when I am clear of the grasp of my intelligence, I take pride in my wisdom. And then I'm so full of myself. It's awesome that God's work is going to blow that all away.

I'm excited.

void

Something I've been noticing recently is the feeling of emptiness and loneliness.

I always used to wonder what people meant when they said we had a "God-shaped void" in our hearts. Sure, it made logical sense, but it didn't really click. I'm only now discovering I've always had that void.

When I come home from getting stuck having fun and just "acting crazy" (as I tend to do at times), or when I'm just stuck showing off, playing guitar and singing, or when I play sports for pride, or when I'm playing video games to empty my mind, I attempt to fill that void. Usually when I get done with any of those things, I'm left feeling drier and emptier than when I began. Then I jump to the next thing, and the next, and the next... and I could go on forever.

The absolute last thought on my mind is to seek God in those times. But that's exactly what I need. I can't think of a fitting analogy, except that we as people tend to do this a lot. We claw after everything that might temporarily tide us over, and as we dig ourselves deeper into a ditch, we end up asking for God to come save us in the end. What would it be like if we just knew that being with Him to begin with was worth everything?

fall - as in "autumn"

I usually write only my deepest, most profound thoughts on this blog, because I like to project a wise aura online. Online reputations are important.

Unfortunately, wisdom is overrated.

"Where are your wise men now? Let them show you and make known what the LORD Almighty has planned against Egypt."
- Isaiah 19:12

Yeah, unfortunately, I have no idea what God has planned. (Which is incidentally probably a good thing for the rest of this world. I would never stop lording it over everyone).

So anyway, wisdom is overrated. Someone mentioned to me that who I am on this blog seems to be very different from who I am in real life. Apparently, I'm more upbeat in real life. THANK GOD. This blog personified: some dry theologian stuck in a library, groaning over life's struggles and questions with only one worldly possession - an iPod filled with modern pop-acoustic songs.

So as a reprieve, today I'm going to write a short statement about how I feel today. Here goes.

The weather's so nice today I can't believe it's almost October in Ann Arbor. Usually by now the skies are gray and I'm depressed like no other. On top of that, where are the days going? It's already Thursday but I swear yesterday was Monday. That must mean I'm enjoying classes and life. Which is awesome. Life can't be any better!

how many times

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time, You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more

moment by moment

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
- James 4:13-17

I'm a meticulous planner. I'm addicted to Google Calendar. When I sin, I plan hours in advance, and then when it comes down to the struggle between my flesh and my heart, I go ahead with my plan. I don't know if anyone else understands what I mean when I say this, but most of the time when I sin it's premeditated.

My plans are often so much more important than God's. During the summer, an older brother asked me, "Do you think you're better than God?" (and I probably wrote about this in some previous post). And yes, I would have to say that I live like I'm indeed better than God.

I pray that this year, I can live moment to moment - because I don't even know what will happen in the next 5 minutes. I've had a taste of what it's like to be led by God and to be loved by God, and it's worth it. The eternal lie is that something else will satisfy - but it never does... no matter how long it lasts, the high wears off eventually.

His boat

"You're my boat. You're twice my boat. First you're my boat 'cause I made you and second you're my boat 'cause I bought you!"

spoiled silly

I read this blog post (How to Manipulate God) this morning and it's funny because I was thinking about the same thing.

It's funny because it's so easy to fall into the mindset of making God like Santa and thinking again that He's going to shower us with the answers to all our desires if we're good. But however holy and good those desires may be, God knows better and they're all coming in His timing.

I got frustrated yesterday at Prayer Gathering because it was hard to pray... the words weren't flowing, my heart didn't feel in it, and I couldn't really feel God was there. And all the while I was pouting because I was mad that God wasn't answering my prayers about moving in this direction or that direction, changing my heart this way or that, having His Spirit fill me... etc. I felt like I had the right to get these things because they all seemed to be pure desires. The thing is, though, I have the wrong idea.

Perhaps I'm spoiled silly. I remember growing up that my mom would always get me something if it was something relatively wholesome - that is, if I asked her to buy me a video game console, then she'd never get me one, but if I asked her if I could buy a book, she would always oblige. Consequently, I feel like I deserve, and I'm always going to get the best from God, too. And He will - it's just that even what seems "good" isn't good enough for Him. His timing is perfect. And I'm sure He wants me to mature and stop taking everything for granted.

So I pray that I'll remain in His presence, persevering and seeking Him, trusting that He'll carry through what He wants and that He will answer my prayers, no matter how long it takes. Because it's not about how I word the prayers, how long I pray, or how often I pray - it depends on God.

"It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy."
- Romans 9:16

Make me less of a spoiled child and more of a child who trusts his Father.

walking by faith

When we live by sight and not by faith, it's so easy to be deceived. We trust our eyes, but why?

When I was a freshman, I saw only what my eyes showed me - and I was guided by principles that were purely tangible and visible. I saw the externals of what church was like, what Christian life was like, and I attempted so hard to emulate it.

But to live by faith, to see that there is a deeper battle raging and a fuller life waiting below the surface never crossed my mind... or my heart, for that matter.

The truth is, you can never determine by what someone does who they actually are in their hearts. I wonder sometimes what happens with all these pastors who we find were closet pornography addicts or child molesters or atheists... and they had served their church faithfully all those 40 years. I know this is true by experience, because I perhaps spent at least a year (perhaps longer), showing up to church, not knowing why I was there, never having my heart in it, and just learning how to imitate the deeds.

The hard part is - if we loved God, we would undoubtedly show it.

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
- James 2:17

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that someone who doesn't love God can't perform actions. I could lack even a smidgen of love for God but still pray, still read my Bible, still serve people, still go to church faithfully, still look cheerful, still look carefree, while all the while tied up inside and never having my heart in it. So you know, it's really dangerous to gauge someone's faith by how many things they do. It's self-deceiving, too, in my case...

But what I guess I'm saying is that if I am to walk by faith, I need to drop the thought that the deeds will save me and that those deeds will show the world I have faith. I just need to know I am justified because Christ shed His blood and rose again from the dead for me... and no amount of works nor any effort could change my heart - God alone will soften my heart - and faith alone allows me to accept Christ.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
- Ezekiel 36:26

To walk by faith and not by sight sometimes means to stop looking for outward signs of genuine faith and realize that I could never fully know... but I can only trust.

That, to me, is much more beautiful than the tangible - some formula for knowing God.

all

"But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.
Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, 'I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.'"
- Mark 12:42-44

Trying to live as a Christian always presents itself with at least a little bit of discouragement. Forty years of prayer, no answer. Five months of despair, no reprieve. Things such as lasting bitterness at a church...

But this story keeps running through my mind these days. Perhaps as a reminder that what is most beautiful is love. Love is what compels us to give our all, even if we have nothing left. And Christ's love is what frees us from our flesh - the emotions, the thoughts, the temptations that drag us down.

Love is more valuable than the results. We're often constricted in our minds to the state we live in, to the emotions we're feeling right now, to the soul that hasn't yet been won, to losing hope that God will ever come through. But why can't we take our delight in the giving of ourselves instead of despairing at the lack of success?

Pastors always tell us to "take joy in our giving" when we give our measly 10%. They're onto something.

"You know as well as I do that if someone is loving you in a begrudging way, like, "I really don't want to do this for you, but I'm a Christian and I'm supposed to, so I'll do it," you don't feel very loved. You don't feel very loved when they are dutifully helping you fix your flat tire. But, if they say, "You know what, it is my delight to do this for you. I just get a lot of joy out of seeing you get helped"—when someone says that to you, and you sense that they really do enjoy blessing you and putting themselves out in order that you might be built up or strengthened or have some need met, you feel wonderfully loved."

And this widow knew how to love God. Not grudgingly, not because she had to, not for some result and miracle, but because it was her joy.

truth

"'If this is bewitchment,' said Théoden, 'it seems to me more wholesome than your whisperings. Your leechcraft ere long would have had me walking on all fours like a beast..."
- "The Two Towers," J. R. R. Tolkien

This quote reminds me a lot of another one.

What's beautiful to me about this quote is that this king is willing to accept the truth, even if it means danger and certain doom, over wasting away safely in the darkness. Of course, we only know that what he's accepting is indeed the truth because of third-person omniscient writing... but to his credit, and from his point of view, he's putting faith in something that is worth more to him than the lies that have kept him ensnared.

It's easy to get caught in the crossfire between truth and falsehood, where each is pointing fingers at the other and yelling "Lies!" It's a gift to be able to discern one from the other, and that means putting trust in those who know the way. I could decide to follow my own limited intellect (rationalism), follow the lies of Satan (any one of twenty billion things), or follow Jesus. It's just a matter of where I want to put my trust.

pray about it

I rarely give testimonies to how God answers prayers. That's because I'm always told to "pray about it," but I seldom take the suggestion seriously. Usually when I do, I forget about what I prayed for anyway, so I'm left with one of three things: no prayers, unanswered prayers that I don't remember, and answered prayers I don't remember.

Yet I got an answer today (and I don't want to say "praise God," because that honestly sounds cheesy to put in a blog post, but praise God!), and I will jot it down while I still remember it.

I often think about what it means to be a Christian - why Christian life is any better than a non-Christian life - and I must say that a lot of the time my mind doesn't come up with an answer. It swirls with vague thoughts of freedom, salvation, love, and even the whole Galatians 5:22-23 package.

Earlier this week, I was drowned in the same thoughts and prayed that I might understand the reason for the hope that I have (1 Peter 3:15), because even if I was supposed to be prepared, I simply wasn't. And then my mind ran to the first fitting answer it found, and it just happened to be freedom at the time. I wasn't really satisfied, but I've learned that thinking about something for an extended period of time is not healthy (except when you're programming, but life's not like an algorithm). So I stopped thinking.

This morning, at church, the pastor said something that was ridiculously applicable to all of this:

"The goal of Christian living is not so much to be free, but to be full. Of Him."

Well, my mind came up with "free," so I was all ears when he mentioned that. When he finished the sentence, I thought about it and I decided that's a good reason - we are called to live life to the fullest. But I felt a little uneasy about just taking what some pastor says on faith, so I flipped to the concordance in the back of my NIV and looked under "full."

I found this:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
- John 10:10

The reason for the hope I have in Christ is that I am utterly powerless to free myself and live life to the full. Life to the full is life lived in God's story, not mine.

community

"Seriously now - how often have you seen this sort of intimate community work? It is rare. Because it is hard, and it is fiercely opposed. The Enemy hates this sort of thing; he knows how powerful it can be, for God and his kingdom. For our hearts. It is devastating to him. Remember divide and conquer? Most churches survive because everyone keeps a polite distance from the others. We keep our meetings short, our conversations superficial. 'So, Ted, how's everything going on the Stewardship Committee?' 'Oh, just great, Nancy. We've got a big goal to reach this year, but I think we'll be able to get that gym after all.' No one is really being set free, but no one is really at odds with each other, either. We have settled for safety in numbers - a comfortable, anonymous distance. An army that keeps meeting for briefings, but never breaks into platoons and goes to war.

Living in community is like camping together. For a month. In the desert. Without tents. All your stuff is scattered out there for everyone to see. C'mon - anybody can look captured for Christ an hour a week, from a distance, in his Sunday best. But your life is open to those you live in community with. Some philosopher described it like a pack of porcupines on a winter night. You come together because of the cold, and you are forced apart because of the spines. Here we go again. Why does Jim always have to be discouraged? I'm sick of encouraging him. And what is it with Mary and her inability to stop talking about herself? Why is Brian always so guarded? These people bug me."
- "Waking the Dead," John Eldredge

I've had those thoughts cross my mind at the bottom quite a few times. And it makes me happy, because it gives me hope that the church I'm in isn't devoid of community - that we are living life together and learning. Perhaps it's just because we're in college and that's what college is like.

But either way, I know that I'm not predisposed to putting my stuff out there for everyone to see. In fact, I try my best to smother it and hide it. Yet I'm finding that people can see me for who I am - and sometimes who I am is a person hiding his junk somewhere, and everyone knows it, but no one will talk about it because I don't want to talk about it. And once in a while, out of the blue, someone will knock it out of me and thank God they did because that's exactly what I needed.

This book describes a lot of different things and I'm not sure what to think of it all, but I can't think of any better way to describe church than a community living life together - rather like the Fellowship of the Ring. And it's kinda cheesy, but it's definitely true that we are people with a common purpose, fighting a war and we have each others' backs.

if it's love

I like this song.

resolution

Never read the comments on any online material. Especially news articles. They're stupid arguments 99% of the time.

guided

"Either we wake to tackle our 'to do' list, get things done, guided by our morals and whatever clarity we may at the moment have (both rather lacking to the need, I might add). Or we wake in the midst of a dangerous Story, as God's intimate ally, following him into the unknown.

If you're not pursuing a dangerous quest with your life, well, then, you don't need a Guide. If you haven't found yourself in the midst of a ferocious war, then you won't need a seasoned Captain. If you've settled in your mind to live as though this is a fairly neutral world and you are simply trying to live your life as best you can, then you can probably get by with the Christianity of tips and techniques. Maybe. I'll give you about a fifty-fifty chance. But if you intend to live in the Story that God is telling, and if you want the life he offers, then you are going to need more than a handful of principles, however noble they may be. There are too many twists and turns in the road ahead, too many ambushes waiting only God knows where, too much at stake. You cannot possibly prepare yourself for every situation. Narrow is the way, said Jesus. How shall we be sure to find it? We need God intimately, and we need him desperately."
- "Waking the Dead," John Eldredge

This hit me rather hard as something I need to write, because I know I'm guided by my mind. Perhaps the thing that worries me and crosses my mind most often is that 'to do' list.

I was asked recently, "Do you think you're better than God?" And though I haven't really reflected on it extensively, I feel like it may be true. I don't want God to be God. I want to be in charge; in control... but it doesn't always work that way, does it?

sermon win

Sometimes when I'm falling asleep in a sermon, one thing will always perk me back up. When pastors talk about things I struggle with, their credibility in my book suddenly goes up 1000%, and I'm all ears for the next 30 minutes.

For example, if I'm having trouble understanding why faith is not just about intellectual understanding, and the pastor happens to say, "For those of you who may think that faith is just about intellectualism and knowledge," I start listening. If it's about being unable to be vulnerable, "I personally also find it very hard to be open..."

It really wakes me up from one of the biggest deceptions I always fall to - I always believe that I'm the only one who struggles with something, and no one understands me. Also, it's just so shameful that I am this way, so I won't talk about it. I somehow think that everyone else has it put together.

That's a lie. God loves me even though He understands exactly what I'm going through. And so far, I've never had to suffer some catastrophic struggle unique only to myself.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin."
- Hebrews 4:15

making plans

"The Lord protects the foreigners among us. He cares for the orphans and widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.."
- Psalm 146:9 (NLT)

I've recently come to a profound revelation that everything I decide is by my own hand and if I can't do it by myself then I'll avoid it at all costs. What that means is that I plan things out down to the smallest detail, and things usually go as expected. I'm not stupid, and I'm intelligent enough to figure out where my boundaries are and I never cross them.

This explains why I don't pray all too often. My philosophy is more like "Why pray, when you can think?" And though sometimes I will make deeply theological statements (that are true) like "We can't save ourselves" or "We can't change peoples' hearts," I don't live like I believe it. Because if I did believe it, I would spend so much more time praying.

When I was younger, I would pray for safety if my parents were going outside. I was terrified at the prospect of losing them, so especially on stormy days I would say, "God, keep them safe, please, please, please..." They came back every time. Yet, looking back, I never once acknowledged God's sovereignty in keeping them safe. I expected them to be safe, so when I saw them, I acted like a spoiled child - taking everything for granted.

I realized all this when I was praying for my sister who was in the hospital the past few days giving birth, and when it was all over and everything was okay, I think for the first time I remembered to take a step back and thank God. I don't think I've ever done that before.

But still, there's so much more I take for granted. I can't expect people to come to know God as I just watch and wait, making my own plans and inviting them to meet God in my own way and selling happiness and community more than I talk about Jesus. I do meaningless things, planning my own ways instead of depending on Him. And that is exactly why He's telling me I need to learn to surrender.

God, frustrate me when I make my own plans for my own needs, please, please, please...  and help me to thank You for the little things.

songs all sound the same

I love doing this.

a few heartbreaking thoughts

Church plans Quran-burning event

It makes my heart hurt to see places called churches be so hurtful. It's so hard for me to balance understanding to what extent we need to accept "liberal" churches, and to what extent we need to condemn them. I don't know if these people are right are wrong.. In fact, if you ask me, Islam is of the devil, like they say. (I mean, what else do I believe? Everything that doesn't mesh with Christ must be of the devil). But they're not really expressing their message in a loving way. Go back five years, I would've probably celebrated the day, but now I read this article and shake my head.

I know it's important for people to know that they're sinners. Because that's part of the truth, whether we like it or not. I like to avoid that part of the message, because I like it when people like me. These people seem to be going over the top and forget what it means to be a witness:

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."
- 1 Corinthians 9:19-23

On that note, reading Paul's letters always confuses the heck out of me, because I feel like half the time he talks about not judging, and the other half of the time he talks about living a holy life and judging and fleeing evil. I don't know what that means in a practical sense. And it just makes me question if all these letters are really part of God's Word, because I just can't reconcile it with some of my other thoughts.

I did hear, though, that reading the Word and praying go hand in hand... because the words in the Bible aren't magical and somehow going to pierce my heart in themselves - that's the Spirit's work. I don't pray all too much, so that probably explains a lot of my confusion. If only I could get into it like I got into working out.

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."
- Ecclesiastes 1:18

At least I'm not alone?

plank

I find it funny that every time I discover something radically new about myself (usually something bad), I'll go ahead and apply it to the rest of the population in the world and start judging them. Like when I discover that I sometimes spend so much time looking for attention, suddenly everyone's blog posts, jokes, spiritual growth, words, and stories are all just reflections of their attention-seeking nature. And I'm like, why is this world so screwed up?

And I don't know why people do the things they do. Because you just don't know. But sometimes I do assume the worst in people. I know - I have a plank in my eye to get rid of first.

hmm.

I think I found the secret to the kind of music I like. Too bad I can't play the piano or I would write a mega-million dollar hit single right now.

Listen to the intro for this:



And then for this:

motives

"I'll be very personal, to give it it's sharpest point. If in the coming years I commit apostasy and fall away from Christ, it will not be because I have not tasted of the word of God and the Spirit of God and the miracles of God. I have drunk of his word. The Spirit has touched me. I have seen his miracles and I have been his instrument for a few.

But if, over the next ten or twenty years, John Piper begins to cool off spiritually and lose interest in spiritual things and become more fascinated with making money and writing Christless books; and I buy the lie that a new wife would be exhilarating and that the children can fend for themselves and that the church of Christ is a drag and that the incarnation is a myth and that there is one life to live so let us eat drink and be merry -- if that happens, then know that the truth is this: John Piper was mightily deceived in the first fifty years of his life. His faith was an alien vestige of his father's joy. His fidelity to his wife was a temporary passion and compliance with social pressure; his fatherhood the outworking of natural instincts. His preaching was driven by the love of words and crowds. His writing was a love affair with fame. And his praying was the deepest delusion of all -- an attempt to get God to supply the resources of his vanity."
- John Piper

I always have to ask myself why I do what I do.

paper planes

One thing that I'm learning from being an orientation leader is about know-it-all syndrome.

It's the pride in every man that speaks when they're unwilling to stop when they're lost and ask for directions. It's the pride in an orientee when they are asked whether they need help and they say "no." It's the pride in me that tells me that I can figure things out if I sit down and think and rationalize long enough.

There's so many a time when I ask whether a student knows where he/she is going, and I get a hesitant "yes" in response, so I leave them be. I find them 20 minutes later wandering around, looking for their destination. It's quite frustrating. If they had just simply asked at first, I would've obliged.

But it's pride that keeps them from asking. The same pride that keeps me from asking questions and says, "I'll figure it out fine." I understand why people in charge of me get frustrated at me sometimes.

I get ticked when we tell students what to do, and then they don't listen and screw up, and then blame us for it on their evaluations. I understand how professors feel now.

And I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is to God to see us play that game. What it's like for us to go 60 years of our lives trying to get through on our own, never stopping to ask for direction, feeling like He wouldn't give it to us even if we asked. I've rarely tried asking, but I figure as clueless as I am, God wants me to ask. On top of that, I never really have faith when I do ask; God isn't my only hope, He's my last resort.

I don't know it all, and I don't know why I fool myself into thinking it.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
- Matthew 7:7

It's like paper airplanes. One of the few things I vividly remember going to my parents to ask help for was when I was making paper airplanes. I could never crease the paper accurately enough with my small hands to make sharp folds... and my planes always sucked. But I soon realized that my parents had long, nimble fingers to help with just that. And I asked my parents to make the folds every time I made paper planes. And you know what? They would always stop to help.

I have small hands, God holds the whole world in His. I don't live like I know it.

well...

The glory isn't mine. It all won't last.

king

This song's been running through my head lately. It's just a really catchy song. But it seems to be some ridiculous coincidence that there's a phrase in the chorus that goes, "Who died and made you king of anything?"

I have never heard that phrase used in regular everyday speech. But yesterday I said, "Just stay silent," to one of my friends, and someone pulled the "king" thing on me.

First thing is that I'm kind of tactless and I realize I shouldn't really ever tell someone to stay silent, but the second thing is that it just seems weird that I hear that phrase the week after this song comes out.

What's more, our Sunday sermon was all about being a king - about King David in the Old Testament. Talk about eerie coincidences (or not). Anyway, there's a passage that stuck out in particular that I've pseudo-memorized:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
- Philippians 2:5-11

Who died and made me king of anything?

P.S. I floss everyday now.

carousel

I can see, I can feel myself
Sliding down a slippery slope
Desperately grabbing hold
Taking the hard way out

I will fall, I will slip
Not knowing there's another way
I'm blinded by the things
That haunt my dreams that I can't explain

So here it goes again
I'm spinning in slow motion
Yeah here it goes again
The carousel is turning around and around

I've lost my sense of direction so I jump
Only to find, you've been by my side

I'm so afraid what's inside of me
'Cause I don't know
To be myself would be to
Give in to a shadow

Why's it a surprise
That I'm imperfect
Again I fool my heart
Through living by my effort

You're by my side
I'm changing inside
When you're by my side

voices

"People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord.  We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated."
- D.A. Carson

"A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord."
- Proverbs 19:3

Voices of wisdom.

shoot now

"You can't score if you don't shoot."
- David Yang

My LCG said this profound thing today. It's awesome because I think about this a lot. I'm so afraid of missing that I don't actually take a shot. But that just means I'm never gonna score. Plus, there's no room for faith.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
- Hebrews 12:2

As Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith, he redeems those shots.. Both the ones we make and the ones we miss.

self

Selfishness really feeds on itself, doesn't it?

counterproductive

I walked by the Starbucks on South U today, only to see a sign that said "Wi-Fi Unavailable." Nothing out of the ordinary, except someone had crossed out with black Sharpie "Wi-Fi" and had written "Water" instead. The sign read "Water Unavailable." Below it, also in Sharpie, was written: "We cannot make any bevrages at this time." (And yes, they spelled beverages wrong.)

I wanted to let the workers know about this atrocious prank (and I also wanted a caramel Frappuccino), so I walked in and told the guy at the counter. He looked at me completely seriously and said, "I know."

"You know that there's a sign on your door that says you're not serving beverages."

"Yes. I know."

"This is Starbucks. All you guys do is make drinks."

"I know."

"So why aren't you serving drinks. What does this mean, you don't have water?"

"We don't have water. The water main broke, so we can't wash our hands. So by health code regulations, we can't serve any drinks."

"So... why are you open?"

"We're selling bottled products and pastries."

This Starbucks sucks.
"Okay. I think I'm going to get a bottled mocha Frappuccino."

I picked up a luke-warm bottle.

"Oh, I think there are colder ones."

I touch all four bottles lined up. They're all the same temperature. Guy comes around counter and touches them too. He grabs one, says, "This one's the coldest."

Whatever. They're exactly the same temperature. But whatever you say.
"Okay. Thanks. I'll take that one."

What's the point of having a coffeeshop that doesn't serve coffee? It's just counterproductive, like the millions of other things that don't make sense in the world. People especially don't make sense.

weekend warrior

You would be amazed at how awesome I am at wasting my weekend away.

The past four days were a blur. I played volleyball, tinkered with web stuff for a little bit, served at church, and played FIFA for 4 hours (by far the biggest regret of the weekend). I'm never playing FIFA for more than an hour at a time.

No, seriously. It's not just something I told my mom when I was younger. I'm being serious. No more than an hour.

So I had fun, had different opportunities and chances to take steps in the right direction and be challenged and put my faith in Him. But you know, chances go by and I remain rooted to the spot, still taken up about what people think and about little things that mess with my mind. I wish my mind weren't so complex.

I scheme a lot. Can I just have a childlike heart and a childlike faith? Just to know that the next minutes will be taken care of - that my Father is in control and He knows where I'm going even though I'm not? I don't want to have to yell "Are we there yet?" every fifteen minutes. I do, though.

"And he said: 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'"
- Matthew 18:3

I am a weekend warrior. There's a battle over souls, and I end up giving in most days. But it's okay, right? It's slow going, but there's no knowing, that one day...

summer days

1. I went to our church's Jakarta team send-off service today, and I got emotional for the first time in a while. It wasn't because they were leaving and I would miss them, but something rather different. Apart from a great time of worship, seeing a father pray for his daughter knowing that he could do nothing but put his faith in God made me see the beauty of a father's love. A glimpse of the Father's love for us. That brought tears to my eyes.

2. Success is not about being good and ... perfect... and having a 4.0, being a part of a huge church, being a perfect apologetic, popular, or having a bunch of stuff. It is where Jesus Christ is lifted high.

"And they sang a new song:
   'You are worthy to take the scroll
      and to open its seals,
   because you were slain,
      and with your blood you purchased men for God
      from every tribe and language and people and nation.
 You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
      and they will reign on the earth.'"
- Revelation 5:9-10

3. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
- Matthew 28:20b

Just a little assurance. :)

4. God, take my five loaves and two fish and make something of it. I don't know why I ever thought I had anything to offer. I have so little, but teach me to give what I have. (and not to be a glutton).

world cup

I used to love the World Cup so much that apparently it scared my mom that I would die of some stress-related, high blood pressure disorder because of soccer games. Thank God I've toned down.

Anyway. I'm still excited, nonetheless. I might wear this Korea jersey for the next 2 weeks. No washing. (Just kidding).

One thing I love about soccer: no commercial breaks. And when they say there's 10 minutes left, there's 10, maybe 15 minutes left. Unlike football or basketball, where the last 4 minutes of the 4th quarter is like an hour.

One thing I hate about soccer: players act like pansies sometimes. Just take the call and move on. I understand you have to fake and flop every time someone touches you, but be men. Come on.

be free.

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."
- Galatians 5:13-15

a thriving faith

Reminders from the Fishing Story

Pastor Seth's blog post reminds me of something I'm slowly learning:

"Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.'"
- Luke 5:5

Peter doesn't live on common sense. It's not about common sense. Because you say so, I shall go.

sportsmanship

He lost. He let me win, allowed me to spit in His face while I rounded the bases to victory. Again and again I look upon Him with scorn, though at times I do understand what love really means. Much more of the time I'm captivated in myself, in my victory - that though the show of grace should be enough, I find myself wanting much more. Too often, I am dissatisfied with simply knowing Him, and I discover how little I actually know Him.

He lost. He lost so that I could win. He cared nothing for His own victory, only cared that I'd be in the right place. He endured feeling forsaken so that I might not have to feel forsaken... and many a time, I am utterly surprised to find that I was forsaken at all. I am too caught up in myself, too caught up in what I must do, how many times I have to confess, how many times I have to pray... when sometimes all it takes is to trust.

To trust that no matter how many of the billions of people in this world know of my screw-ups, that I am still victorious. That though the scoreboard may proclaim that I am a loser, at least I lost with my heart in the arms of someone who cares. I find myself a winner, not because I have scored more, not because I have been a terrific sportsman, but because someone else has done all that for me to help me realize that life is not about the score, it is about the people.

Central Washington offers the ultimate act of sportsmanship

challenges

My, my, this is going to be a summer of challenges.

I might've just made an 11-point checklist on what I'm going to be doing this summer and how I'm going to be doing it. I'm largely clueless on how to do these things, which is a good thing.

My perfectionism tells me that I need to get it right or not do it at all. There's no room for faith; there's no room for anyone but me. It's good to do things I don't already know how to solve because there is opportunity to plunge in with faith.

There is a time for everything. This season is a time for surrender.

Lord

carry me today.

side thought

"...I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours."
- John 17:9

I used to throw a blanket prayer around when I was little. I felt guilty that I only prayed selfish things, so I said: "God, I pray for the world and the people." Jesus didn't do that, huh? Funny.

back to business

It feels good to be busy again. It really takes my mind off a lot of thoughts. I think that I wasn't meant to be a contemplative hermit, alone in my room all the time. I was meant to be out there in the world, living and enjoying life.

I always used to tell people I love criticism and correction. I confess that's not true. It's very circumstantial. When peers or people I look down upon criticize me, I don't say anything out loud, but I'm thinking several things. I first think - who are you to tell me this? How spiritual do you think you are?

Then, it goes on to: Alright. I'm shutting down. I don't have to listen to this junk. I already know that.

I'm a proud child. If only I knew how to follow, I think I would learn how to lead.

Do you think God cares why we love Him? Does He care that I came to Him because I was enticed by the idea of righteousness? Does He care that we're in this whole thing because we wanted to go to heaven? Or are we simply screwed up in all of this... do we need to love God simply because He is God?

I don't think I can do that. At least, not now. I'm just too selfish.

salvation

A black-and-white outlook on life and salvation is no good, or... I've found that so far. The idea that if you have a certain piece of knowledge or have had a certain experience that you are set, and if you lack it, you are doomed, just leads to clawing away and worrying and cowering in fear of God, who doesn't want us to fear (i.e. be TERRIFIED of a wrathful, vindictive god) Him, rather, just fear (i.e. know that He is Lord) Him.

I think if Jesus wanted us to fear Him, He'd have said something other than "my yoke is easy, my burden is light." Maybe something more like, "I'm going to torture you from the inside out until you realize you are destined to burn in hell."

There are a few examples of things that have torn me apart from the inside out, because I thought they were indicators of God and/or salvation... only to find later on that only God is God and Jesus is the only way. Sometimes, I'd be on the brink of giving up everything because what I believed was true was no longer true.

1. Intellectual "I know God exists"-ness
This much is evident from 99.9% of the time I spend in life. I desperately want to be right. This is visible in every part of my life, and particularly my religious life. Growing up, whenever an atheist or agnostic friend would challenge me with something about God's existence, I would beat them over the head with "A Case for a Creator," or some cosmological argument that I was sure was foolproof and had me convinced. My desperation to be right in this aspect fuels a lot of my insecurity. I'm the stupid one who will read through all 40 pages of comments on Youtube pages - debates between Christians and atheists - all the while praying that the Christian prevails. By the time I get to the end of each, though, I find no conclusion. No one has ever proved the other wrong.

It doesn't depend on the strength of your logic or how many pieces of evidence you pull up. It all hinges on faith. Atheists carry a deep faith that God doesn't exist; others carry a deep faith that God exists. That is the premise on which their arguments lie.. and you can never prove or disprove those premises.

This much is clear. When people cry "reason" and say that "reason" is the only way, they're lying. People aren't exactly rational. Like smokers, for example. You know it causes lung cancer; you know it's going to kill you, but you do it anyway. It just doesn't make sense. Sometimes, things make complete sense and yet we still don't believe them because we don't want to. And I just read somewhere that the scary thing about people is that they can convince themselves to believe whatever they want to believe. That's pretty true.


This isn't to say that my heart doesn't shake every time I hear some debate between Christians and atheists. I feel like I still need intellectual affirmation of my faith... and every time doubt seeps in, it's usually in this aspect - intellectual understanding of God, whether the whole thing makes sense or not. It's just hard to shake. 

2. Church attendance/reputation
"Woe to you Pharisees, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces." (Luke 11:43)

Yup. That's me.

This one's a relatively new development, because I've never been regularly to church until the past 2 or 3 years.

I live and die by my reputation. Academic reputation, athletic reputation, social reputation, you name it, I want to preserve my image. I care all too much about what people think of me and how far up I am on an invisible social ladder that I've created. Though I thought I scorned the success of the material world, my "success" shows itself in different ways. Like in church. Probably the worst place to decide that you need to be better than everyone else.

The truth is that faith isn't a contest. God loves us all just the same, and I am saved because of Christ, not because of my reputation, how many times I've been to church, or where I stand on the Christian hierarchy of wisdom and greatness. Doing that would be comparable to making myself a Level 23 Upper Echelon Scientologist of Power. 

3. Being good
Christians and people who identify as Christians are sometimes the biggest roadblocks to getting closer to God. You see the way that the Westboro Baptist Church calls themselves Christians, and then you see what they do. And then you wonder if believing in Jesus is worth it if it makes you a bigot or a crusader.

I put a lot of weight on how "good" a person is. I mean I spent my entire life trying to be good, and being Christian is just a means to that end. I think I missed the point. One of the most common comments I see from atheists is, "You can be good without Jesus, so you don't need him!"

Well, it just so happens, that yes, you can be a wonderful person without knowing Jesus. But just the same, I've realized that making yourself feel good by being a wonderful person is stupid because at least for me, I'd have to put on one heck of a show to be a good person. I mean it's really stressful and tiring to project some sort of image of a person you're not. On top of that, this doesn't really help with anything other than PR, because if you have some hidden problem, like pedophilia or a closet addiction to pornography, as long as the world doesn't know about it, it means you're still good. Since you're good on the outside, it doesn't matter who you really are. (And scarily, you really can convince yourself you're a good person. I do it all the time.)

And part of knowing Christ is knowing exactly who you yourself are... a shameful wretch of a person who deserves nothing, and being okay with it. Being okay that you're broken and not "good," and you never will be "good enough" (because you can't be perfect), because Jesus makes up for the 99.5% of goodness that you could never be.

I learned what grace means through how messed up Christians are. When I see Christians baring their souls and sharing what makes them broken, what makes them feel ashamed, and when they say it openly because they know that they are only fooling themselves by pretending they are fine, I see what makes a Christian different. Not that Christians are better or worse than the average atheist, but because Christians have a hope and faith that in spite of their failures, the only One who matters loves them exactly for who they are. No pretending. No shame. 

4. Emotions
This one's a rough one. Some days, I just get into sad, and contemplative emo mode. And then I start questioning everything. Like God, Jesus, the Bible, the whole thing. I go to bed, the next morning I wake up and I'm fine.

I used to think that the presence of God meant that I would have to come out of the sanctuary every Sunday crying and all emotionally charged because of what I just experienced. Otherwise, the Holy Spirit cannot have been in attendance. But I realize that the emotional high is more like a side dish to the greater entree of the love of God. You get it some days, some days not, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. It's a blessing. That's it.


It's like when I get pissed off at my parents and punch a hole in the wall, I am pissed off, but that doesn't change the fact that they love me. I may question their love, I may question their motives, but they just know better sometimes. And in my limited view, I think that they're holding something back from me on purpose because they hate me and want the world to fall on top of me, but that's just not true. Emotions lie. 

5. Correct theology/perfectionism
Simply put, if you've been a Christian since you were 23 but you didn't understand what the word "sin" truly meant until you were 40, does that mean you weren't a Christian when you were 23?

We're never gonna understand the whole thing. That's not to say we shouldn't strive to understand it. I think I get myself tied up in a knot because my perfectionism tells me, "If I can never be perfect, why try?"

But the truth is that we learn to be good because our Father loves us. We learn to live for Him and love Him back; we learn how to be His children. It's not the other way around - no matter how much we try, we can never earn His love; we can never make Him love us. When we do that, it just means we rejected free love in favor of our selfish and independent attempts. We miss the mark and spit on the love offered us.

It's because He loved us first that we learn to love in return.


Faith is really a relationship. There's nothing else to it. I don't hinge my relationship with my friends or family upon one thing or characteristic about them. That's why I shouldn't put my faith in anything other than Christ, because those things just melt under pressure.

theology

"I am making theology a window, rather than a wall."
- Having Right Theology Does Not Mean You Know God, Donald Miller

Wow. I hear myself crying "relationship, not religion," all the time, but if there's one thing I didn't want to relinquish my hold on, it's being right. Not to say it's bad to be right, but being right isn't the point. The point is that I know Jesus, not that I had it perfectly right. Not that I will ever have it perfectly right. Getting it right is part of the relationship. Take it slow.

yours to take

"So this is what it feels like to live life
So this is breathing air for the very first time
The Son of Man, He came here to give life
And in return He's asking for mine
I've been captured by grace
I'm not going away
I'm Yours to take..."
- Yours to Take, Jimmy Needham
 
Giving something up is hard. The problem is the logic. I can always convince yourself one way one day, and a different way the next. Depending on that is no good. I don't get anywhere.

The reason needs to be love. People addicted to smoking don't just one day step out of it and quit. You just can't do that. No matter how many lung cancer ads that those people may see, fear is an insufficient reason for healing. But if you look at someone you love and realize that you hurt them by what you do, there is a reason for change.

I've been scaring myself into sacrifice for too long. I need to learn to love. Apart from what is right and what is wrong, love is greater than fear. God, teach me how to love. I want to be at a place where I'm Yours to take.

surgery chronicles

I really prided myself in never having had surgery or breaking a bone. Whenever we play the game "Two Truths, One Lie," I used those two as my back-ups. Now I can't use the surgery one.

I was in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. I'm not sure how long, because when you're lying in a bed eating and watching TV, time just blurs into a blob.

The first thing I want to say is that I hate needles. Absolutely hate it. I think I started counting down the number of needles I would need - one for a blood test, the IV, and the anesthesia each. I got poked way more times than I expected. I don't even remember how many needles they stuck in me. Eleven.

I curled up in a ball so they could numb my legs, and I was terrified because I expected it to hurt. They wiped my back before they actually injected the anesthesia; I jerked because I was anticipating a needle instead of a wet wipe. After that, the nurse told me to sit still. Mr. Doctor held me down, and they injected away. It felt weird. And it hurt.

The funny thing is, when they knock your legs out like that, it feels like your legs are in the same position when they knocked you out. So it felt like my legs were straight, even when they were bent... And then I realized this is probably what it feels like to have your legs amputated (fear of my life realized).

Then they took me in the room, and I remember the doctor saying that 5 in 100 people experience side effects such as nausea because of the anesthesia. Of course, I'm one of those 5 people, so I threw up while on the operating table. Nasty. Probability never works well for me.

The procedure was supposed to be that they stick a needle and some kind of electrode in my thigh at two or three different places and burn the nidus (the nucleus of my osteoid osteoma). They started drilling in my leg, and when they hit the bone, they couldn't get any further because apparently I had "mature cortex." Whatever that means. Anyway, the doctor lady shoved (and it was weird, because I could kind of feel the pressure of her pushing down, but didn't feel any pain) and shoved, but the needle wasn't going anywhere. She called over Mr. Doctor, and he tried, but he wasn't getting anywhere. They pulled various needles out and tried different things, and they were definitely getting frustrated. I was getting terrified. I saw the doctors' blood stained hands and it looked nasty. I was thinking, "What if the anesthesia runs out?"

After 30 minutes or so, they finally got the needle in the right place, with a sigh of relief. Ms. Doctor told me that if I turned the other way that I could see the screen and where the needle was. I didn't look.

The second needle went much faster. They burned the tumor (I think). Then they put me in a recovery room so that they could make sure that my anesthesia was wearing off the right way. They kept on testing if I could feel cold on my stomach, and they asked me to give them a number out of 10.. So I gave them a different number every time and they thought something was wrong because I said 7 first and then it went down to 4. I realized that they wanted my feeling to come back, so I started giving them the right numbers. I like giving people what they want.

All in all, what an experience. I realized how much fear I actually have. I'm scared of a lot of things. It's easy to say I trust and have faith when I'm in a bubble of a college campus, shielded from much of life, but wow. Harder in a hospital, that's for sure.

love

I read 1 Corinthians 13 again. Gosh. Much much easier said than done. I envy, I boast. I'm not patient, I'm not kind... I'll change someday.

My natural reaction to some news article of some terrible thing going on in some other country is to do the "tsk tsk" and shake my head and be glad that I live in a place where I'm safe from all of those problems. Never did it cross my mind to care, never did it cross my mind to pray. Until today. It kinda crossed my mind.

As School Knifings Continue, China Does Some Soul Searching

I hate comment threads

Jennifer Knapp Comes Clean

Not that I even knew who Jennifer Knapp was or listened to her music, but this one makes me think, too. And the 26 pages of comments reveal a lot about how hard it is to have a theologically sound faith.

I know that I've been drenched in grace, and as I accept that grace, how does that change me? I believe that Christ sanctifies me, that God gives me no temptation greater than that I can face (1 Corinthians 10:13). And if this is true, how am I to face the temptations that come my way?

The thing that tears me apart the most is premeditated sin. The sins where I spend a few minutes or hours or days rationalizing as to whether I should or not (completely ignoring what God wants of me), and then end up giving in. And I feel like I'm beyond forgiveness. But have I somehow thwarted the cross and out-sinned God's grace, or have I intentionally turned my back on my Father? How then, can I get back, if not for His grace?

"Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."
- Luke 9:23

By the way, one comment in particular mentioned about how we turn a blind eye to sins like greed and gossip while we make such a ruckus about homosexuality. I agree. I pray God opens our eyes and frees us from these, too.

P.S. I'm very self-absorbed/proud. Someone remind me, because if I become someone famous I think that might be the downfall of me.

cartoon

Jesus Christ cartoon in development at Comedy Central

My first reaction is to get all angry and defensive. I wonder why.

I don't think it's particularly because of anything except the fact that my pride is wounded. I take pride in identifying with Jesus, and mocking Jesus knocks down my pride. I feel like my main motivation is really the fact that I want so desperately to be right about faith that any challenge that comes up against that, including satire, is something that needs to be shot down.

I react the same way when someone takes a jab at Christians or church or makes a comment about how God doesn't exist. I would rather be right than love someone.

Being the person that I am, I scrolled down and read a bunch of the comments... I have a love-hate relationship with reading religiously-charged comment threads. But anyway, reading through it I wonder whether I'm supposed to defend or fight against offensive media. I still don't know.

Being angry or defensive never got anyone anywhere though.

presence

I'm home for a few weeks in Korea, and something just struck me here in the living room.

People aren't kidding when they say that it changes things just to be in someone's presence. I was never aware of it, but I enjoy being home. Even when I'm not really interacting with my parents, I just like to sit here and bask in a distinct comfort, not unlike the comfort of knowing that Michigan football is safely up by three touchdowns in the 4th. I'm comfortable.

And I could make the obvious tie-back to the moral of this lesson, but that would be stupid.

I sympathize

"Prior to meeting Mrs. Nolan, I'd never been disliked by anyone before, especially an older woman. Old women fell head over heels for me. I didn't even have to try--it just happened. I thought I had a gift. As soon as I walked into church, women over the age of thirty-four threw candy at my feet like I was Mick Jagger and the Tootsie Rolls were underwear. But Mrs. Nolan was indifferent to the charm other women saw in me. She wasn't impressed with me.

I really needed her to be impressed.

At my church and school, perception was everything. How people viewed you was much more important than how you actually were. The truth didn't matter. What people believed to be the truth mattered. I learned early on that if everybody believed I was the well-behaved, good-natured boy without a sin in the world, it didn't matter what the truth was. The truth was secondary to a person's opinion or perception of the truth. It was all about good PR, and prior to having Mrs. Nolan as a teacher, nobody stared at me too closely."

- "Churched," Matthew Paul Turner

This book is turning out to be a biography of my life. Hahahahaha.

lost sheep

"Now the tax collectors and 'sinners' were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, 'This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.'

Then Jesus told them this parable: 'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, "Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep." I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.'"
- Luke 15:1-7

Life is like being a sheep with ADD. Do you wonder how this sheep got lost? Probably because he forgot that the day before, Mr. Shepherd fed him, led him to greener pastures, and protected him from Mr. Big Bad Wolf.

A friend wrote in my journal at one point (paraphrased): "Chris, you are wretched. But what does it mean to be irreplaceable in spite of that wretchedness?"

When that was inscribed into my journal, I was depressed and I didn't really get the meaning of the statement, and perhaps I still don't. But it makes sense in light of this sheep parable. That one sheep is irreplaceable. None of the other 99 sheep, regardless of how similar they look, act, or what quality wool they provide, is exactly that lost sheep. That lost sheep is special. The shepherd will go out of his way to find that sheep, and rejoice when it is found. (I imagine that he has kind of the same pleasure I get when I'm looking for like... my favorite book and I can't find it for hours until my mom gets fed up with me peering under every piece of furniture that she goes and finds my book for me.)

And when I am carried back by my shepherd, I follow. But then I get distracted by the world and its crown jewels, by the dazzling freedom that the open range seems to provide. A few days, weeks, or months later, I find myself in a ditch. In a mudslide. In a rut. And I gotta be carried back again.

Such is the fate of the ADD sheep.

I've done this before

"I knew I was incapable of moving mountains with my faith. I had tried that summer when my mother and father took me on my first camping trip to the Appalachian Mountains in Virginia. As soon as the mountains popped up over the horizon on Highway 66, I began testing the abilities of my faith by commanding mountain after mountain to move.

'I have faith, I have faith, I have faith,' I repeated over and over again, something I'd seen a black preacher do on television. He hadn't moved a mountain, but he did make a woman's diabetes disappear. Since it worked for him, I figured it might work for me. When I was really certain that I possessed the necessary faith, I pointed my finger at the mountain of choice and yelled, 'MOVE, MOUNTAIN, MOVE!' I did this about thirty times. On one occasion I thought I'd made one of the mountains disappear, which got me very excited, since I thought that might be even better than making one move. But after bragging about it to my father, it reappeared a mile later."

- "Churched", Matthew Paul Turner