struggles

Q: Looking back on this past semester, what was the hardest struggle, and what did you learn about God and yourself?

Compared with the semester before this last one, it was relatively a breeze. I came off of a spiritual high off the summer - fiery and prepared to serve. I put a Post-It note on my corkboard in front of my desk - nothing but a picture of a steaming cup of coffee and the words "Make the best cup of coffee. It's okay if it's bitter."

That was my motto at the beginning of the semester, at least - to be obedient and to do my best to serve the God who's given me life. And it worked out okay - but somewhere along the way, self-absorption took over and life became a bunch of to-do's. Including people. That was definitely a low...

When retreat came around, I was basically operating on a routine - and God revealed that that wasn't the life He wanted for me. The lesson learned? "I cannot save myself."

No amount of punctuality, diligence, obedience, or integrity could make me into someone that God loved more. Nothing I could do could bring me salvation. I was trying too hard to be pleasing to God, so much so that I forgot the reason I could approach Him in the first place was not me, but Christ.

 And so I came out of the retreat, feeling like I learned something, but feeling really low again because I could still only think about how incapable I was of saving myself, and so I was thinking about myself again. Self-absorption galore. Then I adopted the philosophy that it's good to know that God loves me, no matter how wretched I am. And this is the truth, God will love me because of Christ's righteousness, not because of my own. God loves me.

The majority of the remainder of the semester was spent by my being aware of what needed to happen. I needed to reach out to people, build relationships, pray for people, be diligent about the ministry God has given me, but I did none of it. I was painfully aware of my own laziness and disobedience, and it was a day to day routine of "crap, I fail again..." and then the next morning, "I really gotta forget and not slow down." (And on a side note, I was listening to the new Relient K album "Forget and Not Slow Down" every morning).

I wanted a burden in my heart, and up till the past couple of weeks, I had none. Now I feel like God is placing a burden on me to love people again - but I just really want to understand the necessity of Christ's love for me once again.

At this exact moment, I'm feeling spiritual battle. And I'm glad in one part - because it means I'm going somewhere. The semester was spent running in place, in apathy and complacency, and now as it draws to a close and I'm heading to St. Louis for Urbana '09 soon, I'm more awake. I've started having more doubts, more questions, and more difficulty living out day-to-day life. What a blessing in disguise. I just need more of Jesus.

how valiant

"David longed for water and said, 'Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!' So the Three broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. 'God forbid that I should do this!' he said. 'Should I drink the blood of these men who went at the risk of their lives?' Because they risked their lives to bring it back, David would not drink it. Such were the exploits of the three mighty men."
- 1 Chronicles 11:17-19

Sounds like something straight out of the Lord of the Rings. It's inspiring to see dedication. As for this, some (many) might call it foolishness, and I kinda do too, but it's also loyalty at its finest. It touches my heart, especially after hearing the story of a guide dog (supposedly man's best friend) who led his master out into the middle of speeding traffic (Note: man wasn't hurt). Dogs aren't as trustworthy as loyal subjects are.

I so often worry about the practicality of a situation - and then I make up God's will for my life - God probably wouldn't want me to take a risk here, or there... Thoughts roll through my head, and none of them draw me any closer to knowing God, but simply to the point where I am leading my own life with my own patron saint of sorts. Today's theme: be a loyal servant. To the point of absurdity.

P.S. 1 Chronicles reads like the credits at the end of a movie that's showed on TV. There's a bunch of names that need to be recorded, but no one actually reads them. (At least, I don't).

morning calm

In the craziness of Finals Week. Procrastination sucks, and it's like this disease that eats you from the inside out, like atopic dermatitis (which doesn't actually eat you from the inside out, but makes your skin really flaky).

Yes, and indeed, in this hectic week, I have found time to play video games, hang out with people, "study", and a bunch of other things that you wouldn't even expect. It's quite bizarre, indeed. And today is Friday, which is supposed to be the "relax" day of the week, but somehow it ended up becoming the "let's crackdown day" for me.

And so I woke up early (pre-sunrise) today, and it's really nice. Not only did I get to enjoy a fully nutritional breakfast, I get the time to just sit and listen to music in my otherwise-silent apartment where 5 roommates (maybe 4, I never know where one of them is...) are quietly off in dreamland.

The things I'm facing these days are bitter battles over my own soul - unapparent from the outside, but the enemy attacks in deception.. and all the while I'm feeling fine, my heart is being clawed at. If it is seized, I can only express one emotion: apathy. And I know that being unable to feel is the most dangerous of feelings; the most suffering that I could experience.

To spur me on for the day, I'm reminding myself now (although I'll probably forget in the next couple hours), that today might be my last chance to show Him I love Him (shamelessly derived from: "this might be my last chance to tell him that You love him"). No second, no minute, no hour can be taken for granted.

love forever

Today's the last day of class. Hallelujah.

On the bus ride back from North Campus, I put my iPod on shuffle and got the most bizarre progression of songs: 3 different versions of "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever," which is.. ridiculous, considering the fact that I have 3500+ songs. I guess it's just a reminder to proclaim His love forever in my life.

What does it mean to "love forever," anyway?

I'm looking at the ways I find it hard to love other people - it's when they're two different people in two different places, when I can't be patient enough for God to bring their lives to fruition, when it feels like "it's hopeless" and there's nothing that can be done for them... and if God felt the same way about me, umm...

under the covers

I have absolutely nothing to write about right now. But at the expense of me writing something completely meaningless, I might as well just describe what's going on - I feel like there's a piece of me that's missing but I don't know what. And for me, growing is like this painful process of putting on cold jeans in the morning in wintry weather: either I decide to endure the pain and put them on because they're going to keep me warm, or I stay in bed all morning and not even bother trying.

Man, I wish there was like.. someone forcing me to do stuff, to follow hard after God, to serve Him, to pray. I guess I realize that's what I'm kinda missing at the moment. I want to follow, I just don't have the energy or the motivation to start. I'm still hiding under the covers.

working on it

Apart from the fact that I just need to know that I will fail, and that I need to be willing to accept grace, and apart from the fact that I need to trust that with God all things are possible (and subsequently that what I do really is never going to be effective without God)...

I like this segment:

"...show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned..."
-Titus 2:7-8

I hope I have integrity, and I think it's something I'm working on, but I'm learning how to be more of the same person wherever I go, whoever I'm with.

I definitely need to work on the seriousness part, because I feel like I miss out on so many good conversations because I'm busy being sarcastic or flitting between various irrelevant subjects. If only...

I want to be sound in speech. I give a lot of BS because I just keep on talking. I think if I closed my mouth more and became a silent learner, it would be far better..

audacity

The people I look up to are a different breed.

I was sitting through elections at a student organization today, and while everyone was talking about "I can do this," "He is a good candidate," "She can do this," I was staring at the ceiling blankly - wondering when the meeting would come to an end and whether or not the Wisconsin Mac & Cheese would digest before 9 PM. It's not just because I have a complete disdain for positions in general; I hate it when people are obligated to brag about themselves. I really don't blame them personally; that's what they're supposed to do.

I'm beginning to see that the more you need to say to prove yourself, the less qualified you are in the first place. Those who are able to do things without words, who are able to show themselves worthy without having to speak even a word... maybe they'll be overlooked in 99 different elections, but their contributions are pure gold.

The people I look up to don't need fancy election slogans or prestigious positions... they just have the audacity to live life the way they are convicted to. (That's not to say that I don't look up to people who do hold positions. Because it's really what you do, not what your title is that matters.)

P.S. This really reminds me of:

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."
- Matthew 5:37

meet Bob

Meet Bob. He's all of the 1 centimeter diameter of a festering-bloody-sore-blistery-mess that is on my lower lip. It feels like Jello, and it's dulled my nerves to the point where when I touch it with my index finger I can barely feel anything at all. Bob is the incarnation of every pain and every sin within me. A bloody mess covered with a layer of pearly white.

I need purpose and vision in my life. As much as that sounds like the theme of some inspirational speech delivered courtesy of Mr. Jonathan Sprinkles, it is true. No inspiration ever lasts as long as an eternal one.

Growing up surrounded by international missionaries, I always had to wonder - what are they doing in South Korea teaching over-pampered children who go to an "international" school that has a homogenous Korean-American population? It means a lot more, even looking back on today's sermon and remembering that I need to be faithful with church, relationships, vocation, etc... Everything I do needs to be an offering of praise.

I always think about this whole predestination/free will issue, and how it affects how I should live my life. If I don't do anything, will God bring people to know Him? Sure. If I do something, will God bring people to know Him? Sure. (I mean, technically, that's a maybe either way, but He CAN, right?)

But something hits me:

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory."
- 2 Timothy 2:10

From God's point of view, there might be the "elect," but from our point of view, all people are people - and we definitely don't know who the "elect" are. That being said, we do evangelism for the sake of praising God by wanting to offer up our lives and help lead these "elect" to Him. No doubt God can bring them there a different way.. but isn't it such a privilege to know that God's willing to use me?

now

I've always been a firm believer in living in the present, but now when I think about it, what I'm looking toward in the future determines how I live now.

It really does matter what happens beyond the now. Living eternally isn't something I usually think about, and this past week I looked at things and wanted them for the sake of this life, but I realize that no matter how valuable they seem at this exact moment, they won't be worth anything in a year.

It's frustrating. Living faithfully is hard.

If I'm asked to look back on the past week, the past month, the past year... I can probably say that Jesus is making me a better person. Not a good person - a better one. There's still so much to learn, so much to explore in life...

I think and wonder... if I didn't take 2 steps back every time I take 1 step forward..

If I didn't let go of what I believe when I make every decision..

If I knew where I was going all the time...

If I didn't project my insecurities on a God that's so much greater than anything I can imagine...

If I didn't love myself and succumb to my desires every moment..

How would my life be different?

enough to let me go

Lately I've been listening to the new Relient K and Switchfoot albums on repeat. On my latest listen, I fell in love with the song "Enough to Let Me Go."

Part of the reason is, the lyrics speak a truth that resonate with me, especially these days when I feel like I understand so little about this world and my part in it.

The chorus that persists through the song is "Do you love me enough to let me go?"

This helps me understand God's love a little more. His love is a little bit of faith poured into us, trusting us enough to let us go if we want, but also to let us fall for Him if that is what we want. It's the strongest sense of free will - it's the heart of a father that loves the prodigal son so much that he will let go and wait no matter how long it takes, no matter how much it hurts.

I just wanted to say that because I wanted to reassure myself that there is still an ounce of sensible thought left within me.

joy

Be joyful always.

Seems like joy is always fleeting for me - one second I have it, the next I lose it. But today, for once, I just want to sit (or stand) and rejoice. Because the little blessings I have are all worth it.

Isn't it good to know you're welcome? When people have a genuine smile on their face; when they're glad to have you over. No obligations, just relations.

I believe: God's got the biggest smile of all.

sifting through

What if what I believed all along was wrong? I am undoubtedly a doubter at heart. I want so desperately to be right but I discover that I never can be. Life is a million steps of faith and I just hope I make the next hurdle...

Emotive, unstable like an unwinding cable car... I just want to forget these thoughts and praise with passion.

lies

I like telling hate telling tell lies.

It's so much easier to stretch the truth than not. You know, when you've got one thing wrong, might as well make it seem like a thousand things are. Just for dramatic effect. Because I do enjoy melodramatic moments.

Just one way I think that having life the way I imagine it to be (much like a Diehard movie) is better than having life the way it is. I just won't have it the way it is, in fact. Yet I won't even challenge myself to make the right choices. It's sometimes just so hard for me to expend my energy to actively try to be obedient.

You know, by the time I'm done butchering the truth away in my life, we'll be left with so little that I won't be a light to the world, let alone a flickering bulb with a near-broken filament. Maybe I'll end up being like a laser pointer. Lights nothing, pinpoints things, and ends up searing peoples' eyes until they go blind.

Maybe, by the time I'm done living out the gospel I've made up for myself, Jesus will be a 1st century tribesman from Northern Africa who was planted on earth by God to take over the world, and he was consequently reincarnated as every winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Sensational, but untrue.

I've been trying to learn to focus not on who I am. Because digging back through 70 pages of my journal from this past year, every page is about a struggle I'm having, a lesson I'm learning, a way that my life is being changed. So little is actually thankful to God for it. So little actually acknowledges His sovereignty in my life (except for the ones where I'm struggling to learn He's sovereign).

When it comes down to it,

life is not about my actions,

life is not about my heart and my motives,

life is not about what state my soul is in,

life is about who God is.

perfection

It is in the dark when one most appreciates the light.

It is when I am the clumsiest that I'm glad someone will catch me.

I wish I could slap myself and tell myself that I would do well to leave my own life alone and know that the way I am is the way I was made, and the way I am isn't yet going to be perfect on its own. And it won't be. 'Till the day I die.

And I don't know why it is that I reach out for so much perfection or I want it so badly, but I will do anything for it. For righteousness. It's why I strive, but it is also why I always wander.

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
- Matthew 5:48

This is part of the Gospel presentation I learned. But it's not part of the Gospel that I learned.
I cannot be perfect, therefore I will always be short of God's standards.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
- Philippians 3:8-9

disown

I feel like Peter right now.

*sigh*
I need a second chance.

laughs all around

I just can't seem to get over how ironic everything is in life.

You know, like when you want to win a race, you take it slow and steady instead of sprinting out of the gate. Or maybe like the way you show up to Michigan so you can watch a good football team, and well... and... everything you left behind gets better when you're gone (*cough* Virginia Tech). Or, maybe even the way I went to lecture yesterday, took the pop quiz, and aced it, but didn't get credit for it because they somehow lost it (punishment for all the naps taken in previous lectures). Or even... finding yourself on the losing end of a fight even when... no, especially when, you've given your all.

God's funny like that, you know? I mean, if He gave us a sense of humor, He's got to have one, too. For me, that's finding that God laughs every time I worry about the little guilty pangs of fear I suffer when I sin, as I look to my own inadequacy and wonder how in heaven I'm going to make up for this one.

He laughs because He knows that in the end I'm going to have to look up rather than in, because the solution just isn't where I'm inclined to look.

He laughs, until I laugh at my own stupidity.

And I can feel the hint of a smile tugging at my lips right now.

I believe

I believe…

that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe…

that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I believe…

that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe…

that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe…

that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe…

that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe…

that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe…

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe…

that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe…

that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe…

that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe…

that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe…

that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe…

that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe…

that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe…

that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe…

that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe…

that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe…

that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe…

that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe…

that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe…

that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe…

that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe…

that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe…

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe…

that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe…

that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.


Saw this at the wall at the Jimmy Johns on South U. Some of these are SO true.

i see a little bit.

Ever since retreat, I feel like I've been scared to write on this blog.

For the sole reason that I feel like I'm somehow making myself feel holy or rationalizing the problems I have by pouring it out through this outlet. But now I realize the truth: if I boast, I boast in Christ.

I am where I am, I speak what I speak, I do what I do because of Christ. To know that I am capable of so much worse, and knowing this Christ still loves me makes me see that the world isn't made up of the good, the bad, and the ugly, but instead, it's all ugly.

Yet the beauty of unconditional love is that such love holds true even when the target is a disaster waiting to happen. I've been wanting so much change in myself, in people... and when it comes down to it and I discover all I've been doing is floundering about in the sea trying to somehow propel myself to the surface (and I know how this feels in real life... confession: I can't swim), what's the use? I might as well let go and let someone pull me out instead of wasting my strength; having false hope.

And so I want to let go. Of my own life, and no longer do I want to have to see people and hope that they'll change. What I want instead of change is for them to experience the deep love of Christ that covers over them. For if I boast, I boast in Christ alone.

It is true, I'm an insecure wreck. If security means finding my identity in Christ, all I've wanted is for my name, Chris, to be the thing that people value. I wanted to discover and earn my own worth... and doing well was never good enough. Perfectionism is an understatement, because what I wanted was to be Christ-like, not to have Christ live in me. If my identity is found in Christ, then my actions will show it - not because I have the capacity to do such good things, but because Christ is living in me and He is changing me and producing the fruit of the Spirit. For if I boast, I boast in Christ alone.

"Don't trust in Jesus, trust in yourself" was chalked on an emergency calling booth on the Diag during the summer. To whoever wrote it: I've tried it, bud, and it definitely doesn't work out in the end. I fooled myself into thinking I was rising... but I didn't know which way was up, and I was just sinking in the end...

maturity

Maturity doesn't make you harder, it means you're willing to reexperience the same thing over and over again and it gives you the same thoughts and feelings.

Maturity is not becoming calloused, it is becoming softened.

I suck.

Kelly Clarkson was right.

"My Life Would Suck Without You."

Who's the you?

let it allllll out.

If ever there was a time I wanted to let out a scream, the time is now.

And I have no clue why. It's frustrating to know there is a problem but not being able to pinpoint the issue. I'm feeling a flashback to my childhood days:

"God, please, please, please forgive me.
I lied to my mother, to my teacher about some things.
I wasn't a good boy today but please, forgive me anyway.
I repent, I really really do, of everything that I could have possibly done wrong.
Please, please, please, forgive me for every sin I've committed.
And I pray for everyone in the world."

- Chris, at age 11

As opposed to now:

"God, I know I've learned a lot and I've grown in faith, and it's all thanks to you.
But what can I do better? I hope I've been good enough, I hope I've been pleasing enough to you.
So what have I done to deserve this mounting frustration, emptiness, and apathy? I have an undying hunger to get to know you and seek you, and I want to trust that it doesn't matter who I am or what I do, but it's just so hard to let go, and you know.. let you.
And I hope I've been making the right decisions, spending time with the right people, praying enough, being as obedient as I can be. But if I'm not... then what?"

Have I changed all that much?

?

The question of the day:

How can you ever lose when God is on your side?

It always seems as if the battle is mine to lose, as if amidst the millions of tiny little distractions in life, one of them is going to be the one that is going to tear me down and dump me in the ditches.

I always want Him to do something before I can do something... I want Him to show me evidence of His power before I can act and unreservedly give up my time in His service. It always amazes me in the Old Testament when the people always ask God to do something for them, then they add on "then we your people, the sheep of your pasture, will praise you forever..." (Psalm 79:13), or some other conditional thing they will do for God because He's helped them. I always thought there was something wrong about this picture, but I realize for me the question is moot. God's already shown and done more for me than He did for the Israelites in the Old Testament. I am a child of Abraham, a child of the new covenant. Now is a time for response, not a time for excuses.

"When the angel stretched out his hand to destroy Jerusalem, the LORD was grieved because of the calamity and said to the angel who was afflicting the people, 'Enough! Withdraw your hand.'"
- 2 Samuel 24:16a

God stops the calamities in our lives purely out of His mercy and grace. But it was funny reading this, because I never realized the importance of what happened here. God didn't just stay "Stop killing Israel because they're suffering," He allowed His work to happen through David - who offered a burnt offering to the Lord at Araunah's threshing floor. And after the offering was lifted up, the plague ended.

Stop questioning God, and let Him work through you. What better way to serve Him than to be used the way He wants to use you?

What have I gained on my own but loss and suffering anyway?

"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing - if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?"
- Galatians 3:4-5

Rhetorical questions.

to dos

1. be humble every day
2. edify everyone. especially brothers and sisters, whom I love.
3. be led by the Spirit.
4. be a witness.

think and pray

What makes it worth it?

egypt

"Egypt will no longer be a source of confidence for the people of Israel but will be a reminder of their sin in turning to her for help..."
- Ezekiel 29:16

Who do I turn to in my time of need? I always feel like I'm desperately clawing away, trying to get to the surface of a deep lake... and when I get there, there's always a new wave ready to sweep me back down. One gasp of breath is all I get before I'm submerged in fears and worries again. I need someone to depend on, a life preserver, and if that's not Jesus Christ and the gospel message, I'm looking at a flimsy raft made of reeds. It'll hold me up if only for a little bit, but will eventually be shattered. And whether I depend on my own strength, or on relationships, or on church, or on my experiences, they are never going to be sufficient enough to sustain me. The Israelites turned to Egypt, instead of trusting in the Lord who had already proven faithful. The alternative to turning to God always seems easier, but it never is.

I need more than just something that floats. I need an oxygen tank. Something that will sustain me even when I feel as if I'm drowning.

not the gift, but...

Today, I woke up and I feel this giant burden on my heart. I feel like a sinner today.

In that sense, maybe it's a good thing, a time for humility and finding that my efforts are inadequate. On the other hand, it's been revealing to me my shortcomings in my relationship with Him.

My natural tendency when I feel uncomfortable, or when my heart is not at peace, is to cry out for help to God and ask Him to save me from whatever hell I'm in.. and try my best to remember that I am given grace. But is that what it's all about? Is my time to be spent just searching for His grace for the sake of putting my soul at rest?

They always say to love the giver, not the gift. I don't think I've been seeking the giver desperately, just the gift. And that, for my sake. I don't want to be separated from my Lord and my God, and I need to remember that as long as I depend on grace instead of Christ, I have lost focus on what is important.

there is nothing so profound...

... as wanting one thing and only one thing. To have the heart to desire God and seek Him and to see Him and to touch Him and to have His love lavished upon me.

I want nothing more, nothing else.

opening every door

Sitting in the fishbowl, ready to pull a pretty long night. Want to write this post before I start doing anything.

There's a big burden on my heart, because I don't know what to say or what to do. It's one of those times when something is tugging me away and saying everything I do isn't worth it, that it's just easier to live for yourself than for Him. I know I lack so many things, and in particular, I stink at guiding people. I'm a lost sheep trying to get back to the herd, and I can do nothing for the other lost sheep.

I've discovered lately, even through a long weekend of what most people would call extreme "fun," that "fun" isn't worth living for. I can have a good time and all, but when it comes down to it, it's not worth having fun when it means absolutely nothing in an eternal perspective.

That, and the idea of "decisions" has been popping in my mind a lot lately. How do I make my decisions? Do I make them then ask God for His blessing, or do I ask Him for guidance? I realize how closed I actually am to allow God to work.. Even as we were talking about future careers, I said, "I'm open to anything EXCEPT working in a corporate environment."

Is it pleasing to God to make exceptions? I don't think so. I wasn't quite willing to open EVERY door for Him, just MOST of them. It definitely needs to be part of my lifestyle - opening every door, letting Him choose which I need to pass through. What more is there to life, anyway?

there I go again

Me and my big mouth. I hate arguments, but I always seem to find myself in the middle of it, unable to stop. It's like an order of Mickey D's fries. Once you pop, you can't stop. Or whatever the slogan is.

Sharing the Gospel isn't about arguing till your guts fall out and you have assurance that the other person is stumped and you are right.

I have this theory. Logic is in one corner of your mind, faith in a complete different place in your body (I haven't found the place yet)... and no matter how much I appeal to logic, faith is not going to magically appear. That's not to say that they're exclusive though. Logic helps. It just isn't the key.

answers

Being a good Christian has nothing to do with being righteous or doing the right things. We view the externals as a line of judgment, but that just ends up with us arguing about the arbitrary, the right and the wrong. Christianity is about the relationship. Cliched, indeed, but true. We become and look righteous not because the question we ask ourselves is "How righteous can we be?," but instead because we ask "How can I draw nearer to Him, how can I please my Lord?" And this results in a drastically different motivation, if not a significantly changed behavior. Following Christ is a commitment to be free from the bondage of law and sin - for our benefit.

So what am I to do with those I know who are consumed with sin?

Have faith that the Holy Spirit will move. People need to start desiring God and a relationship with Jesus to be purified, not make sorry attempts to become righteous on their own. In short, no Jesus, no fix. I shouldn't have to hope that people will become more righteous or visibly Christian; only that they will genuinely seek Christ.

On a side note: I think my deepest convictions are only solidified as I begin to live them out. I had a moment of deep, heartfelt gratefulness today as I stood and wondered at how much God has wrought in my life. I don't know the point at which I've obtained enough faith to say with certainty that I am willing to lay my life in Christ's hands and say if I died this moment, I would be confident in Him... but it has come, and only through the Spirit. Another conviction is just the fact that I don't need to be righteous - God loves me the way I am; I am given grace. I can only believe this when I live it out and meditate on it. I've found I can't even change my own direction and beliefs... it is God who allows me to believe. Why do I try so hard to change my own and others' faiths?

I want to be undignified, to know that my faith and love for Christ is so great that I will give anything to be that living sacrifice...

"But I pray to you, O Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation."
- Psalm 69:13

Prayers are answered.

dilemmas

Often life doesn't just give you lemons. It gives you lemons and something-not-so-quite-as-sour but something bitter (like aspirin when it melts in your mouth). So when life gives you either lemons or crushed aspirin, what do you choose?

It's like the way I feel today. The upper part of my normally good leg has bruised and swollen to the size of an exceptionally elongated seedless watermelon, while the leg that usually is dragged along for the ride, my tumor-infested left, is the stronger of the two. Normally simple actions, like putting on my pants or getting off the bus, have become complex decisions - which leg do I attempt to put down first to minimize the pain?

Life is a series of choices. Often two distasteful ones. But who says I deserve lemonade, right?

Sometimes the easier choice isn't the right one. That's the heart of sacrifice.

hmmm..

So many thoughts, but none so great as my own self-consciousness. I see myself trying to impress again, trying to step up, trying to show that I'm worthy of recognition, praise, and honor. I speak empty words of modesty. Tear this tall tree down, tear this spirited heart down and replace it with one that knows that there is nothing to offer, nothing I can give. That there are no amount of daily devotions I can perform to prove my love for you, no amount of words spoken behind a closed door that will make you love me any more or any less.

And still I believe I can somehow redeem my own life out of my own righteousness. Do I need a healthy dose of shame everyday to remind me that my life is not my own? Why do I always have to be right? Why can't I take a step of humility and servanthood?

namesake

I write this post in the comfort and safety of my last-row seat in STATS 412 which is seldom interrupted during lecture... because of the blah content of the class at the moment. Simple probabilities... i.e. what are the odds of a dice rolling a 6? (I can't believe this is a 400-level class, even by name). I'm not in 5th grade anymore, thank you very much!

One thing that has been rolling around my mind lately is the importance of names. It says that "God exalted [Christ] to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name" (Philippians 2:9), and it's not something we should take lightly when we pray in Christ's name - it is the reason for our relationship with God.

As for my name, have I been living up to it? Christopher means "Christ-bearer," which I think is quite an interesting choice of a name for anyone (maybe I can even describe it as being ambitious). I don't think I live up to the name very well if I look back on my life, but to think that I want to be heading in the direction of living up to it means everything.

It's great, still, that:
"You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart."
- "The Heart of Worship," Matt Redman

So though I may screw up, fail, be shamed, embarrassed and shunned, it don't matter :)

enclosure

I like organizing things and putting them in tight spaces. I like the feeling of having a box fit perfectly in a hole provided for it, or having stackable things. Stackable Ziploc box lids, stackable boxes, stackable books, stackable plates... There's something satisfying of having something all put together and shoved in a box.

That's one matter. It's altogether a different manner to shove God in a box and tell Him He's only limited to what I can dream up for Him.

1) That He can't let Michigan win a football game. (jk :P)
2) That He can't change the hearts of people I love.
3) That He doesn't love me enough to know what I need.
4) That He doesn't love other people enough.
5) That He doesn't care whether people go to hell or not.
.
.
.
99) That He isn't trustworthy enough to have faith in.
100) That I can't let Him take control.

give a little bit

Heh. Lest I fall into the trap of judgmentalism and arrogance again, I have to remind myself time and time again that we only know what love is because Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

That means, for me, that people are to be loved regardless of what's going on in their lives. I'm not supposed to tell them what's all wrong with them (maybe sometimes). I'm supposed to intercede, and let Christ's love in. Not hinder it with all my lectures about what's right.

Lately, I've been feeling so good and excited about everything that I'm scared when the bomb is going to hit and take me down again. But if it means anything, I hope to let my reluctance be revealed, because then I know that I'm depending on God and not my own strength (which is oh, so easy to do). When the end of this week comes around, I want to know that everyone I know and meet deserves nothing, just like me. They need to hear the gospel of life, of love, the only thing that will ever matter for eternity.

homeward bound

It's always right to go back to where you started. It's for a reason you have to come back home when you go out running the bases. You run to first, excited; steal your way to second; someone pushes you over to third... but at the end of the day you have to run, sometimes with people and the enemy nipping at your heels, all the way back home. Where it all started.

"Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."
- Revelation 2:4

The more complex everything becomes, the more every day becomes a list of do's and don'ts, the harder it is to go back home. As a child, there were no worries. I knew to lean on my parents, I knew they would take care of everything. Life only got hard once I thought for myself and started questioning the things they did. Why? How?

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'He has no hands'?"
- Isaiah 45:9

The motivation can be a lot simpler. No worries. Hakuna matata. Know only one thing (or two, depends on how you look at it):

"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
- Matthew 22:37-38

potential

Spent the last couple weeks in very, very mild annoyance because my computer wasn't operating the way that it should. As I'm stealing wireless from some poor family in the apartment complex, everytime the connection fails, my computer crashes for some odd reason. And it's been operating a lot more slowly than normal.

Then one fateful day, my mouse scrolled over the power supply icon on the way to the internet connection icon, and it said "Current power plan: Power saver." I switched it to "High performance" for fun, and it literally made my computer 10 times faster.

It hasn't been living up to its potential. I burned a grand (or rather, my parents did...) on this computer, and this entire past year I was using it in "Power saver" mode. I feel cheated.

I could draw an obvious analogy to my life here, but it would be pointless. Thus, I will leave it at that.

thank you

Thank you for the moments when I know that my life is not in my hands, those moments where I discover that no matter how many obstacles I hurdle over, there will always be a larger river to cross, mountain to climb, cliff to jump off of. There will never be anything in life that is better than what I've already been given, and I don't want to ever substitute anything in place of that great gift of grace.

A mirror is harder to hold. Thank you that I don't have to constantly watch my back, don't have to groom myself, don't have to love myself to live. I hate the way I am driven by my own impulses, by my own temptations, having no regard for what is good in your eyes. Isn't it more important for me to be obedient, rather than finding my own way of what is good? Don't make me the judge of everything. The knowledge of good and evil is a tiring burden.

Whenever I try to make life difficult, whenever I twist the trivial to make it significant, whenever I make the simple more complex than it should, put me back in my place. I want to live in your freedom, not a slave to laws and rules and relationships and issues and all that extra jazz. Thank you that life doesn't need to be complicated.

sandcastles

I recently read "And the Angels Were Silent" by Max Lucado.

It's a really good book. There's this one chapter where it talks about the worldliness of society compared to an eternal perspective, and it ties it in to being childlike.

Being childlike in faith seems like a one-dimensional thing - to be childlike means to be clueless, to trust blindly in your parents, and be dependent. It seems, though, that there's still more, as Lucado writes about building sandcastles.

The basic gist is that when children go to the beach, they spend all their time building castles with the sand. When the sun sets and the tide rolls in, they watch as their castles crumble, not expecting anything more. It's like the way I have fun building this intricate string of dominoes in some pattern, and then the best part is knocking over the first domino and watching the others fall in succession. Destruction is a natural part of both sandcastles and dominoes.

Humans, however, watch their castles fall and are desperate. They want more. They fall on their knees and try to protect their castle from the inevitable, then lay there in deep sorrow when they finally realize they can do nothing. Their lives are not long enough; their castles were not tall enough...

He gives and takes away, does He not?

temptation

Temptation is so hard to stray away from. As much as I try not to sin and give in, it happens time and time again. I am human.

As much as I beat myself down on this, I can't overcome sin without Christ. Thank God for grace.

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
- Romans 6:14

I don't want to live as a slave to sin.

I suffer from guilt a lot, especially after I willfully sin. It's kind of crazy how I somehow rationalize my actions at times to say that it's okay because I'll be forgiven. I need to learn that grace is freely given - that God doesn't care how many different sins I commit, He is my Father regardless. And fathers love their children no matter what. And it's funny because I think that one sin is worse than another, when that's not true. There is no hierarchy to sin - the only sure thing is that the wages of sin is death. Do you know what's funnier? I somehow justify that doing some good deed or thinking about my sin for around 10 minutes afterward, even writing this blog post, somehow rectifies the wrong I did through sin. Says a lot about my worldview and philosophy. Seems I still subconsciously have this superstition about karma - I can understand why some people believe in it. That needs to be changed.

On another (I would write brighter, but I wouldn't classify this as bright news) note, there is an article on CNN about a school principal and athletic director facing prison for saying a prayer before a meal for some school luncheon.

School brass facing prison time for luncheon prayer

At first, I saw my conserva-nazi side coming out, and all I could think about was how we somehow need to take down the ACLU with brute force... and protect the world from stem cell research and abortion and gay marriage and everything that is destroying the institution that is the Christian United States of America... but that's another story (or not one at all). I see a few lessons in reading the article:

1) It is an honor to be persecuted for the faith we have in Christ.
"The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name."
- Acts 5:41

2) We don't need to pray in public to show off our religiosity.
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."
- Matthew 6:5

3) This one is more controversial for me. This article still reminds me of it, though, that we win people by love, not by our actions.
Be sensitive to the people you are around. Stick to your convictions, but don't offend anyone.
"To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some."
- 1 Corinthians 9:20-22

And on that note - to think that Paul would use all possible means - makes me wonder for my motivation for doing things. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of a church, and why I go and all that. And as I think about it, it just seems clearer that I'm to treat it as an opportunity and an outreach ministry - so that "by all possible means I might save some." It seems stressful when I think about it as a duty, along with all the other spiritual disciplines. But when it is instead a privilege - a way to get to better know God, and a way to help others know God, too. Love is the motivation.

the simple things

It's really the simple things that matter. There shouldn't be priorities in my head. Whether or not I want it to be true, I always set things above another... There's church, then there's academics, then there's keeping in shape, then there's people. Oh, how difficult it is to keep it under control.

I need to understand that I'm in the right place at the right time. God is sovereign. My job is to make the most of it. I can't save the world, but every second, I can change it.

So the simple things are the things that matter: the humidity in the air that reminds me that I am but a lowly human being that will eventually melt, the joy that comes from spending time with family and friends, music that reminds me that all we need is love, and the small things we get to do to make this world a better place while we're here.
Not duties. Never duties.

the bathroom

I always think I am the master of the bathroom. It is a private and joyful space.

I sit on the toilet when I want, flush when I want, use as many sheets of toilet paper as I want, turn on the faucet when I want, turn it to whatever temperature I want, turn on the shower when I want, use the showerhead when I want, etc...

But when the switch to the lights is outside the bathroom, as it so happens to be at my apartment here in Korea, then who's really in control?

No matter how much I can delude myself into thinking that I am the master of my own life, I'm not in control of the lights.

whack

I feel whack. I'm not sure if there's any way to express how I feel. I mean it has to be a disease or something when you're sitting and you know what you want to believe in but sometimes it's just hard to get to the point of saying you do believe in something. Sometimes I just hope the tears will flow from my eyes as an affirmation of the fact that I do believe, that I have faith in something worth living for. Sometimes I wish that the chills will come down my spine in confirmation that there is something more than what I've been thinking about.

Complexity made simple. It's what my life needs to be like. Simply understanding the Gospel and knowing God is the hardest part for me - I still care for myself so much. I found I am sinful yet I'm unable to realize that I am sinful. Deep within I still think I'm a good person. I just find reason after reason to serve myself. The tragedy is that I know I need to live in service - by God's grace - yet I make my life a duty. And when I try to pry myself away from the duties, I find myself lost because I know no other purpose in the world. Living in the freedom I know... I can't do it. I hope to live in the freedom I have faith in.

pale blue dot

This is what Earth looks like from deep in outer space. A "pale blue dot."

An atheist friend e-mailed it to me, telling me that looking into the stars is an interesting way to find truth. Deep inside, I started having some doubts about my own faith. I mean, what does it really mean for us to live on this earth? Are we some fundamental accident? (And although I knew that none of these thoughts made sense, I think I still succumbed to doubting).

I found a couple answers in the Word:

1) "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world."
- 1 John 4:1-3

Now this one is kind of crazy, because I ran across this verse in a complete accident. I remember I was trying to read 1 John 4:7-8 to the Excel kids while we were doing Bible study, and I messed up because I saw that both verses 1 and 7 of the chapter start with "Dear friends." So I started reading this passage up to: "Dear friends, do not believe..." until the volunteers started laughing at my mistake and I humbly blushed. The kids didn't notice anything.
Well, anyway, I ran across the verse then in a complete accident, and I'm finding that my doubts are all rooted in somehow lending a listening ear to the "spirit of the antichrist." I take completely illogical thoughts and juggle them in my head for longer than I should.

2) "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
- Psalm 8:3-4

Astronomy shows a lot more about how Christ's love is that much more powerful. He who made the universe and everything in it gave up His only Son that we might live. We, who live in an insignificant pale blue dot in the middle of nowhere. What did we do to deserve this love?

one short prayer

I spent the past week in Chicago visiting various places and ministries and just getting time to unwind (the term being used relative to the past few weeks doing missions, of course). I just wanted to post a prayer I wrote out the first day I was there.

I am on this earth because I am to minister to the lost. Those, who, when the world ends, will not be with me in heaven if things continue to go the way they are going at the moment. I seek to glorify You, by restoring your kingdom on earth.
That being said, I can't imagine a life lived all the way for you and the people that you lived and died for, the people that you love, Lord Jesus. I am here, trapped in this wretched body that lives to please itself. For me, it seems to live is self and to die is self... and until the day comes around that I finally see that I cannot do it on my own, that I am not in control of anyone's life, not even my own, I can never know Your full love for me. So the stress and bitterness sets in sometimes - because I realize I'm no longer in charge. If that is what it means for me to be a Christian, then I am freed from my burden.
You are the One who loves me and is glad to take me in whenever my feet are weary or my heart is sick of wandering, but yet you need none of me. You could have a world without me and still bring all my family, all my friends, all the people you love to Christ. I find that my self-righteousness, my sense of duty are all meaningless at Your feet - when you are the one who makes your galaxy dance and laugh again.
Thank you, Lord. Take all of this world, and take all of me. As my Maker and Savior, you are everything.

beyond the great divide

Separation. It's something so good for wide receivers in football, for shooting guards in basketball, and for Olympic runners. Yet in the real world, it is not beneficial on any scale... especially between people.

I've found that the barrier between myself and the people I've been ministering to on missions is not the age gap, not race, and not even the socioeconomic reasons. The barrier is my own selfishness and sense of entitlement.

I find that taking 20 seconds to rest, to go use the bathroom, is something I take for granted. I get annoyed at kids because they want piggyback rides 24/7 (a.k.a. some attention), and I put my own fatigue between us, and shut down to them at times.

I wish I had unlimited reserves of energy. But I think living on my own strength and energy has really grown overrated. And it's true. I can't really do it on my own. I've just awakened to that fact very very recently.

I remember that one day that there was a sermon about William Borden and his mottos: "No reserves, no retreats, no regrets." Never holding back, never turning back, and never looking back. What does that mean for me? It means to always give my all, trudge through my fears, and to look optimistically toward the future.

"The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering."
- Oswald Chambers

falling away

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
- Proverbs 3:5-6

A lot of the questions I have involve falling away, and the thing that shakes my faith the most is the stories of people falling away, becoming embittered at God at the church for various reasons - usually because they've been burned out.

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."
- Hebrews 6:4-6

Scary. I think learning not to lean on my own understanding is perhaps the hardest and most crucial thing for me to commit to.

security

"I'm so secure, You're here with me
You stay the same, Your love remains here in my heart..."
- "In Your Hands," Hillsong

I change like the tides. Or like people who can't decide what to wear the morning of their big-something-day.

I need to look a certain way to people. Image always seems to be an issue with teenage girls, with all those psychological as well as physical diseases that perpetuate an uneasiness within their hearts. I'm learning that it's a much deeper issue that affects everyone - people can all define us differently and talk about us behind our backs, and it's exactly our fear of this that causes us to act a certain way. Or change to act a certain way.

I need to mellow out and know that Christ doesn't change, that I'm secure because he's here with me. There's nothing more to it. There's nothing profound about life that can't be summarized in one word. Really. And whether that word is Christ or love or grace or security or God or life or whatever else you want to call it, the unspoken truth is that deep down inside we all want to please people before anything else. True freedom is knowing that it doesn't matter, that we don't need to change because our experiences and attitudes have been made a certain way because God made it that way. Not to say we shouldn't strive for change, but we shouldn't be inconsistent in our actions. Lessons for life from an older brother.

droplets

"When the well is dry, we know the worth of water."
- Ben Franklin, as found on my Camelbak bottle.

Playing soccer on Sunday, my throat was parched... and afterwards I went over with a couple guys to get Gatorade. I downed it in four gulps, and I wanted more.

I am about to file suit with regards to Gatorade's claim as a "thirst quencher." It stimulates it more than it quenches.

The Gospel should be the same way. The so-called "good news" as it is, we look up to it as a tool for satisfaction - and feel as if once we've fully understood it (as we so wrongfully think of ourselves much of the time), we have nothing else to search for. But the Gospel is always much more than we make of it. It's as if we've drunk a bottle of Gatorade and peer into the bottle hoping to lick away the last droplets, when all the while there's a stockroom full of G right under our noses. Like Gatorade, the good news should always make you thirstier - it gives you a taste of coolness, but there is always more to yearn for.

There is always opportunity to share the Gospel. Know your identity as a Christ-follower, then love God and your neighbor, and you know that great things will happen. I take it all for granted - love, life, salvation... when there are people who have had none of these in their lifetime - and if only they had their first taste for it, they would have a burning desire for more and more. I have heard the message; I have had a taste. But I am satisfied. I don't want to be anymore.

clogged

I spent the past day in Ludington with my LIFE group, just lounging around on the beach with nothing on my mind. I woke up yesterday with the intent to enjoy the day and do nothing.

I woke up today with the intent to use the bathroom. The toilet was clogged. I flushed. The water was oh-so-close to spilling over the top. I can't find a plunger.

It feels like my thoughts and purpose have been so blinded lately, that I haven't been able to look at things in the big picture but rather a minute-by-minute, day-by-day kind of perspective. It hasn't been helping any with a lot of things, and I know that I need to be more reflective. If only... I could find the plunger to my heart and mind.

now what?

I spent the last 48 hours in bed, in front of the toilet, or on top of it. Agony is a befitting term for the last couple of days.

As I took off work and missions training, I've been getting better and now I'm okay enough to sit on my couch with the laptop in front of me and surf the web and think. I feel as if I'm getting a glimpse of the summer break that will only hit me when I go to Korea for around 3 weeks to stay with my parents. I have absolutely no structure today - no obligations, as I have an excuse to not make it to anything, and really no will to go and do anything.

Because of this lack of structure, I feel insecure. I find myself inadequate when there is nothing left for me to do, when there is no task I can fulfill to try to please God. As I've been sitting here, my thoughts have shifted towards how I'm not helping anyone at the moment and my life is really devoid of any thoughtfulness... and it all comes down to the fact that I feel like I don't love God anymore because I'm not doing anything involving our "FOR THE GOSPEL!" cries.

What's more, I find that as I've been sick... I'm beginning to see how you're not supposed to love people. It is the sick, not the healthy that need a doctor. Even then, the sick don't need the doctor to tell them that they're sick. As people have asked me how I've been doing, I respond normally enough to the "feeling better?" comments. "I'm fine."

I don't mind - I know people care, and I know furthermore that I'll be fine in a day or two. The problem I'm finding is that if I treat people who are at dis-ease spiritually with a "feeling better?" attitude rather than feeling their pain and loving them, then they will never experience my love, let alone Christ's love. Do people who care leave their brethren to fail and fall? Do people who love like Christ did go on with their own lives while their brothers and sisters suffer?

I've been treating people as a task - I share the Gospel with someone not out of genuine care but out of obligation - out of the hopefulness that I might please God with bringing one more to Him. That's the wrong motive. The motive will come, but how long will it take?

reason

They say everything happens for a reason.

I don't think we believe it most of the time. Phrases like "You got lucky!" and "What a coincidence!" wouldn't be said if we thought everything happened for a reason.

I'm finding in myself that I don't find reason for every little conversation I have and every chance encounter I have, but every single one is significant. In one particular supposedly insignificant conversation, I found that when I talk to people, I realize that I do everything I can not to face shame, to the extent of lying and hiding myself.

I won't go into detail, but things need to change. I shouldn't be lying to people, shouldn't be fearing judgment. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. I am rich in spirit... Some spring cleaning is in order, especially before I start doing missions. I need to restore myself to the way I should have been, an honest human being seeking after God's own heart. It's an impossible task to conquer, but taking it step-by-step, I'll get closer than I ever would on my own.

breaking out

I enjoy being in small spaces. I'm claustrophilic (if that's even a word). As a child, I've locked myself in a closet, stuffed myself in a cubbyhole, wrapped myself in a cocoon of blankets... and the list goes on. I've found that I am most secure when I can feel walls on all my sides, knowing that there is no open breeze coming to sneak up behind me.

My personality reflects this. I love keeping myself enclosed, to being vulnerable to a few choice people, to keep a small, close-knit group of friends. I'm slowly realizing why this is wrong. We talk about being "transcultural" at church, yet I've simply grazed the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being exactly that; it's not about how friendly you are to random people you meet who you will never meet again, but it's about getting close with exactly those people who you wish you would never see again.

I hear stories of people being witnesses to non-believers and bringing them to faith. Sometimes I ask, "Why not me? Why can't I do that?"

I find that there's two parts to being a witness.
I. You have to do the things that exemplify Christ-like-ness.
II. You have to spend time with people who are non-believers.

The latter is undoubtedly easier - yet I work less on it than I do the former. How am I to be a witness if I'm still swaddled like an infant? I need to break out of my shell, to find a new home in the world.

... sad

I wasn't planning on writing today, but in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the yard sale, I left my backpack at church.. and consequently I am left with no Bible (which I was planning on reading tonight), no planner (which has my life in it), and no motivation. Needless to say, I'm discovering what a chore reading the Word has become. Today's sermon was about how we should begin to apply it to our lives, and I clearly haven't been reading it beyond its surface, beyond the intellectual level.

I'm drained. More mentally and physically than anything else - even though I feel wide awake, I don't feel like moving. Moreover, I'm finding that I probably should pray or something, but I'm just too lazy to get up off this couch, as uncomfortable as it may be with its sagging cushions.

Missions starts in a week. I'm beginning to get a taste of the spiritual warfare that comes with it. I don't know if I'm as willing as I was a week ago to pour my heart out for the sake of God. I'm troubled when it comes to reaching out to people, since I find that I am so preoccupied with worrying - about myself, about others and their hearts - that I never have a clear faith of what works God can do.

"We sometimes use the term 'savior complex' to describe an unhealthy syndrome of obsession over curing others' problems. The true Savior, however, seemed remarkably free of such a complex. He had no compulsion to convert the entire world in his lifetime or to cure people who were not ready to be cured."
- "The Jesus I Never Knew," Philip Yancey

Jesus wasn't a forceful, worried "savior." He was the Savior. He was willing to put everything in God's hands, even other peoples' souls and his own. Why can't I be that way?

why

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands?'"
- Isaiah 45:9

I ask a lot of questions - most of them directed in exasperation at the one I know that made me. Here's time to take a step back and examine what I've done for Him to gain the right to ask such questions. I shouldn't feel entitled to certain gifts, to certain blessings, yet I do.

rant

McDonald's is hereby declared the winner of "Most Mind-Boggling Business Model" award. I went there twice, last night and today, and I've been realizing some crucially paradoxical things about their business model.

1) It's dumb to kill your most faithful customers by heart attacks. You lose a lot of business that way.
2) You need to make food that is edible for more than two days in a row. And salad that actually has less calories than the burgers on the dollar menu.
3) The counter-people keep asking what size drink I want. All of them are priced at $1. Why ask?
4) Last night, as James, Joe, Mikey, and I were in McDonald's, looking for the cheapest deal for the most food (because we were breaking fast), Joe noted that 3 sets of 4-piece McNuggets were cheaper than 1 10-piece McNuggets. We laughed over it, and James said, "I bet 90% of people don't even realize it though." I said, "Yeah, people are in general too stupid to notice that kind of stuff."

This morning, I bought a 6-piece McNugget set. It cost 2.39. Yet 4-piece McNugget sets cost 1.19. You do the math.

Words come back to bite me in the butt.

the time has come

The usual brisk morning walk to the T-Center delivered me an unexpected gift - the gift of searching my heart, which, quite uncharacteristically, betrayed some of my insecurities and fears about life and faith.

I was frustrated with having to wake up at 6:00 am when I could easily have kept myself sandwiched between my flower-patterned quilt and Nautica down comforter, blissfully curled in a fetal position. I was angry that I couldn't spend time alone in my dreams. I kept asking myself, for the fifteenth time, "Why the heck am I getting up so early?"

After I grudgingly gathered myself up, I splashed some water on my face and trudged to the kitchen for my morning ritual of mountain blueberry Yoplait. I sat down at the dining room table with a metal spoon in my hand, scooping globs of yogurt in my mouth, I said short prayers like, "Father, please, make me care." Because I really didn't.

I walked out the front door, shut it, and locked it, then started walking down the dimly-lit apartment corridor. When I stepped outdoors, a chill went down my spine as a breeze snuck through the hole in the right sleeve of my Quiksilver hoodie. I reached in my pocket for my iPod, unraveled it from the tangled mess of cords, and placed the white earbuds in my ears. I spun through the menus until I got to Songs. I started out by playing Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Days, and set the iPod to Shuffle Albums.

I sleepily began my long walk, singing along an octave lower with my cracking voice. As I was passing by the B-School, the next song began to play, and it was the introduction to a Hillsong United album I hadn't heard in a while. I was about to skip the entire album, when I heard the first line to the song The Time Has Come: "Found love beyond all reason."

I spent most, if not all of my time for the past month and a half trying to reason out my motivation for doing what I do, and the basis for my faith. I am never closer to reaching that goal than I am today. There is no knowing why faith happens, there is no knowing why life happens the way it does. It is beyond all reason. God simply doesn't make sense. And maybe some may take this as a reason not to believe, but I find it is a better justification than any to have faith. If God made sense, if we could put Him into a shape and a mold, He would be no greater than a golden calf, or money, or fame, or any other tangible idol. He is who He is exactly because He is a spirit, not a visible creation.

When we talk about being made in the image of God, all we think about is our physical image. But I think we are made in His spiritual image - because as C.S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." We are not bodies that have souls, but rather, souls that have bodies. We reflect the image of God through our souls, our true self, rather than our bodies. God does not look like Zeus.

As I'm questioning my faith and learning of truth piece by piece, I've found that the greatest insecurity I have about faith is that it doesn't make sense. The pragmatist inside me screams for justice, for logic to take over. Christ doesn't make sense; God doesn't make sense. I want to be okay with that.

servanthood

I hate living with a bundle of lies strapped to my back. They claw at me, chew me from the inside out, and I live most of my life completely unaware. I tell myself I'm being honest, when I bury the facts I should be facing. I pride myself in my vulnerability, when in fact I only reveal the things I think about, which, in fact, describe nothing about me. My thoughts are full of profundity, with only the occasional sputter of personal thought. I'm not open with myself and God, let alone the world.

God is the author of my life. At the moment, I think I'm on the wrong end of a scene chock-full of dramatic irony. I'm the one who's least aware of myself, of my own issues. All I can hope is that it's not going to end as a tragedy.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."
- Philippians 2:3-4

If I'm to be a servant, I need to consider others better than myself. Paul seems to love describing my antithesis. I can barely see myself in a clear light, and this asks me to look outside my comfortable bubble. Do I dare?

weight

As I trudged through the business of the past two weeks with no worries and only joy, I thought I had it made. I finally discovered the joy of life that had eluded everyone, and I thought I was living it all for God.

Complacency. It's what I got trapped in again. Now as I've been asking for more intimacy, all I've gained is a weight on my heart. Before today, I always used to ask the Spirit to intercede for me, to remind me of Christ and salvation, but I never really felt the Spirit there.

That frustrating little weight on my heart just might be the Spirit. I find that with it, it's been easier for me to focus, that I've been yearning to speak to God in a way unlike any other time before. Although it gets annoying at times to have this, to not be as carefree as I was before, maybe this is true freedom. Bondage to Christ, bondage to the Spirit. There is no greater reminder of God's grace than when my heart is not carefree, but care-filled.

My memory verses for the day:
"If you have any encouragement from being with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose."
- Philippians 2:1-2

Fellowship with the Spirit. :)

intimacy

I have been tested and been found wanting. There is uncertainty and doubt churning in my heart, problems still unresolved. If I want to be close with God, it means I must love Christ. But in honesty, I can never bring myself to be able to comprehend, let alone imagine what Christ was all about. Words have come to mean nothing - descriptions of Christ's life are all good and well, but I find it hard to internalize a love for Christ based on words.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
- Hebrews 12:11

I know discipline is something that must be done. I'm trying to keep to it. But until I hit a point where I have an epiphany and I know exactly why I do all the things I do, then my growth in spirituality is at a standstill. That's exactly where I feel I am at the moment - chugging along through a desert all my life, without having any purpose but the journey itself. There have been occasional mirages along the way, but I have no oases to travel towards; no vision to follow.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
- Philippians 1:29

I hope, however, that the suffering that I experience will produce a love for Christ. Jesus was God manifested on earth, experiencing life not only so that he could die to purchase us a place in heaven, but also so he could sympathize with us, knowing our temptations and pains, without succumbing to them. In that same way, we are not only to lay our burdens on Christ by believing on him, but also by suffering for him, so that we might be able to sympathize with the pains that Christ endured for our sake, of even having the Father forsake him.

"And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'"
- Mark 15:34

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today"
- John Lennon, "Imagine"

Thanks, Lennon. Let's imagine. Where would this put us? Would a life without hope, with only an endless desert expanse stretched before us, make us any better off? Would it mean less pain and suffering?

downtime

Sitting in the UGLI computer lab trying to figure out how to make a program efficient. It takes like an hour to run it once, though... so I have a lot of downtime.

We went out to the Diag today to share the Gospel with people. Joe and I got to sit down to this one guy with dreads... and we engaged ... well, no, Joe and I listened to this guy's philosophical views. A lot of it was beyond me; there was a lot of abstract discussion. He said a truth is only true if it is true without requiring language - that we don't have to speak it and explain it in words for it to be alive.
So he asked us, what about our faith is unspoken, yet true?

"I think the unspoken truth about our faith is the fact that... uh... forget what I just said."

It's important to think about these things so that I have an adequate response ready. Although I doubt I will ever again meet a Christian-raised Zen Buddhist-practicing philosophy-majoring yogi, how can I express my faith without words?

Love seems like a good answer. But love's not exclusive to the Christian faith.
Hope? Nope.
Jesus? Yes. But how do I explain Jesus without words? Need I?

gray areas

I recall a moment in The Simpsons Movie where the family is gathered in church, and Grandpa Simpson is rolling on the floor, supposedly uttering a prophecy of the impending doom of Springfield. Homer whips out a Bible and frantically flips through it. "This book doesn't have any answers!" he says.

To Matt Groening and anyone else who participated in writing the screenplay, I would, quite respectfully, beg to differ.

I spent all of my life avoiding questions. Whatever answers I found were through my own experiences and thoughts. Yet this past year, through various struggles, I was shoved out of the comfortable niche I had built for myself. I came to a fork in the road. I had only two choices; I needed to answer certain questions - or have myself turn away from the narrow path.

Spending time with people of other religions, even for a few minutes, has been beneficial. I've begun to ask myself some of the questions I tucked away. "Why is it that people believe in all these different religions if Christ is the truth? If they hear it, shouldn't it be clear?"

The question isn't about the truth. Out of the millions of opinions and beliefs people have, one must be right. That supernatural being out there has to be intelligent enough to bestow at least one person with the truth. The truth is out there. Then why do people refuse it?

We forget. Our perspective is narrow, it is all about the now, not the future. The Israelites who quite literally saw the presence of God, still worshipped idols because they needed instant gratification. People would rather have six-figure salaries, judging happiness and success by the nine-to-five, luxury beach homes, two-year-long marriages and abortions than eternal life. Do they have to get to their deathbed to realize that there has to be something more to live for?

Needless to say, I fall on the wrong side of that question too. Countless times, I've pushed aside what I believe is true for the sake of instant gratification - looking for gray areas and loopholes. But what I've found is that it's not so important whether what I'm doing is a sin or not.. I feel I've racked up enough sins to condemn me. The question is not "Am I doing something wrong? Am I abusing grace?" but rather, "Would I be willing to give up this thing, even if it is not necessarily wrong, so that I can enjoy Christ?"

"'Everything is permissible' - but not everything is beneficial..."
- 1 Corinthians 10:23a

enhancement

I've come to the conclusion that I'm driven by performance. Everything I do is either about succeeding at something or pleasing someone.

When I went cold-turkey evangelizing, I went out with the hope that someone I meet will be led to Christ through me - so that I might be able to tell others about it. Bad motive. Looking back, I would have done better to give the poor guy a hug rather than try to force speaking when he obviously didn't want to hear what I had to say.

So I have a few questions:
1) Do I really believe Christ was divine?
2) Do I trust in Christ with all my life?

These are a couple questions I constantly need to be asking myself. People seem to be able to pray to baby Jesus fine, but when he said that he is the way, the truth and the life, were they listening? Either he was divine or he was psychotic. Do I trust him enough to believe what he said was true?

grace abuse

Something new I've never read before:

"For certain men whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord."
- Jude 1:4

Reading the Bible has its benefits.

quotas

It makes it easy for me if I think to myself I only need to do so much before I need to stop. Like speaking the Gospel.. I kinda feel guilty until I tell one person, then I feel like I fulfilled the quota for the day. Is that right? No, definitely not. But it's how my brain works.

I told one of my good old friends more about the Gospel today. Kinda felt like a lecture... kinda felt like I was pushing it upon him. I don't know what to do sometimes. Just hope it brings about a change in his heart, and maybe I can be a witness.

what is love?

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
- 1 John 4:10-11

it all takes time

After a year of struggles, I'm learning better how to love people.

It takes time.

coming around

There's no way to make people really come around to experience the fullness of life in Christ. All we can do is live it out and show them. As I talked to a few people yesterday just about what they believe in and what they live for, I realize that for most people, death is not even on their minds, and neither is really living for that matter. They are too preoccupied with the to-dos, the arguments, the debates, and the science behind everything.

And I struggle, exactly because I found that I have to question what is coming after this life. After people hit the age of retirement, they have nothing to do but gaze as to what is coming, as to what that light at the end of the tunnel really is, and how to get there. Seems that age has come very prematurely for me. It is a blessing to live knowing God, but I sometimes see it as a curse to have to constantly consider things that others have no worry for.

sine

The relationship between sleep and awake-ness is definitely sinusoidal.















Note: The axes labels are switched. :)

I say this because I'm operating on around 30 minutes of sleep right now, on account of it being really humid in my apartment last night and my leg acting up... It's fun to sleep and hear Andrew talking to himself sometimes though... saying things like "I can't sleep! Ughhhh!"

So I got no sleep, but I'm still awake. I'm impressed with myself, too. On account of the fact that I should've been working all day and didn't, I guess I shouldn't be too proud.

* One inspiring prayer:
I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
Certainly this isn’t breathing
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing
Like my heart quits beating
Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord
You died, Lord
Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn, the Father’s love song goes on
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her
So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only one thing that pleases the Father
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers
Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers
And I’m finally free in the love of the Father
- Not Without Love (Benediction) - Jimmy Needham

bland

I take life and define it by the things I need to do.

Life's bland. All we have is our work, our prayers, our time spent with other people and sometimes with God. What makes the time we spend worthwhile? What makes the people we spend time with worthwhile?

a willbe

My greatest fear in life is becoming like someone.

If someone tells me I'm like or I look like someone in some way, the first thing I do is see what has happened in their life. And as I do that, much of the time I see and observe how their life has taken a turn for the better in a worldly sense and for the worse in the spiritual sense.

That is my greatest fear. That I turn out to be like those I resemble the most. I am scared that I am following my willbe path rather than my wannabe path. I want to be on fire for the things that are right, and I know it's tough. And I'm tempted so much of the time to turn to the alternative.

Some Hollywood movies aptly describe this fear I have. There's so many stories about "be all you can be," "don't let others define who you are"; about the children who fear becoming like their fathers so much that they end up becoming exactly that. I don't want to be like those who have strayed off the narrow path. When can I learn to entrust myself to God?

entrusting it all

The biggest pain of believing in something is when other people don't believe in it.

There's selfish reasoning - if I'm wrong, I wasted my time.
There's selfless reasoning - if they're wrong, they wasted their time.

I spend all too much time fearing for other people - trying to fix their lives somehow, trying to get them back to the truth. But it's not going to happen on my own will and strength.

It all comes down to trust. If I'm able to trust in the ones I love, then they are given a chance to be faithful. Now it's time for me to trust in the One I love, that He'll be faithful. What do we always pray for, anyway?

perfection

is not to be attained.

Eternal life is a gift.

Don't try to pay for it.

gifts

Gifts are given out of free will, and some measure of sacrifice (monetary, time, thought) is put into it. As we were going through missions training today, we spoke about how eternal life is a free gift from God. God sacrificed the glory of living in eternity to become a man, and then lived his entire life without looking back - as Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And when we believe that we ourselves can get into heaven through things we do, we spit in the face of the giver by attempting to pay for the gift. The freely given gift.

Something's happened like this in my own life. As popular as I was (except not really), there was this girl in elementary who chased me around trying to give me a jar of origami stars she made. I refused it (because I can't handle cooties, especially in the shape of origami stars), and then when she forced it upon me, I took it and threw it away. Yes, I am a terrible person; I have no heart.

So how does God feel when he lovingly gift-wraps his Son as a sacrifice for us, only to have us take it and attempt to pay for it and earn it, or even worse, to dump it in the trash?

P.S. I don't think it should stop with us just receiving though. We receive gifts thankfully, we respond not by paying for the gift, but giving gifts back in our own love.

repetition

I've been going through missions training every morning (including morning prayer) from 6:30 am to 10:00 am (but realistically, it's more like 6:00 am to 10:00 am considering the time I walk to the T-Center...).

It's been good. Sometimes I feel like all of this would make a lot more sense and would sink into my brain a lot better if we did it at 1:00 pm instead, but of course, that would destroy a lot of the discipline involved. If I really want to learn about Christ and God's Word, I should be prepared to do it everyday. And even if I doze off for a minute during morning prayer and pray for the roof to be made of eggs (as I ramble on praying with my dreams...), I am gradually learning to discipline myself. For "no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11)

The worst part about it to me though, is the repetition I seem to be going through. Not only in terms of the daily early-morning routine, but because I often think my spiritual life has ups and downs recurring in cycles - getting bitter, apathy, repenting, growing, being joyful. I feel terrible that I make the same mistakes over and over - I wish that I wasn't so fickle and sometimes I would stick the way I was. But alas, I am human, it is not to be.

P.S. This morning I woke up and walked all over campus to see www.mormon.org chalked all over. Wonder how many people in how many other religions actually have true faith that they believe the truth? Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. Do Mormons go to heaven?