laughs all around

I just can't seem to get over how ironic everything is in life.

You know, like when you want to win a race, you take it slow and steady instead of sprinting out of the gate. Or maybe like the way you show up to Michigan so you can watch a good football team, and well... and... everything you left behind gets better when you're gone (*cough* Virginia Tech). Or, maybe even the way I went to lecture yesterday, took the pop quiz, and aced it, but didn't get credit for it because they somehow lost it (punishment for all the naps taken in previous lectures). Or even... finding yourself on the losing end of a fight even when... no, especially when, you've given your all.

God's funny like that, you know? I mean, if He gave us a sense of humor, He's got to have one, too. For me, that's finding that God laughs every time I worry about the little guilty pangs of fear I suffer when I sin, as I look to my own inadequacy and wonder how in heaven I'm going to make up for this one.

He laughs because He knows that in the end I'm going to have to look up rather than in, because the solution just isn't where I'm inclined to look.

He laughs, until I laugh at my own stupidity.

And I can feel the hint of a smile tugging at my lips right now.

I believe

I believe…

that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe…

that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I believe…

that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe…

that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe…

that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe…

that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe…

that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe…

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe…

that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe…

that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe…

that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe…

that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe…

that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe…

that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe…

that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe…

that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe…

that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe…

that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe…

that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe…

that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe…

that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe…

that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe…

that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe…

that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe…

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe…

that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe…

that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.


Saw this at the wall at the Jimmy Johns on South U. Some of these are SO true.

i see a little bit.

Ever since retreat, I feel like I've been scared to write on this blog.

For the sole reason that I feel like I'm somehow making myself feel holy or rationalizing the problems I have by pouring it out through this outlet. But now I realize the truth: if I boast, I boast in Christ.

I am where I am, I speak what I speak, I do what I do because of Christ. To know that I am capable of so much worse, and knowing this Christ still loves me makes me see that the world isn't made up of the good, the bad, and the ugly, but instead, it's all ugly.

Yet the beauty of unconditional love is that such love holds true even when the target is a disaster waiting to happen. I've been wanting so much change in myself, in people... and when it comes down to it and I discover all I've been doing is floundering about in the sea trying to somehow propel myself to the surface (and I know how this feels in real life... confession: I can't swim), what's the use? I might as well let go and let someone pull me out instead of wasting my strength; having false hope.

And so I want to let go. Of my own life, and no longer do I want to have to see people and hope that they'll change. What I want instead of change is for them to experience the deep love of Christ that covers over them. For if I boast, I boast in Christ alone.

It is true, I'm an insecure wreck. If security means finding my identity in Christ, all I've wanted is for my name, Chris, to be the thing that people value. I wanted to discover and earn my own worth... and doing well was never good enough. Perfectionism is an understatement, because what I wanted was to be Christ-like, not to have Christ live in me. If my identity is found in Christ, then my actions will show it - not because I have the capacity to do such good things, but because Christ is living in me and He is changing me and producing the fruit of the Spirit. For if I boast, I boast in Christ alone.

"Don't trust in Jesus, trust in yourself" was chalked on an emergency calling booth on the Diag during the summer. To whoever wrote it: I've tried it, bud, and it definitely doesn't work out in the end. I fooled myself into thinking I was rising... but I didn't know which way was up, and I was just sinking in the end...

maturity

Maturity doesn't make you harder, it means you're willing to reexperience the same thing over and over again and it gives you the same thoughts and feelings.

Maturity is not becoming calloused, it is becoming softened.

I suck.

Kelly Clarkson was right.

"My Life Would Suck Without You."

Who's the you?

let it allllll out.

If ever there was a time I wanted to let out a scream, the time is now.

And I have no clue why. It's frustrating to know there is a problem but not being able to pinpoint the issue. I'm feeling a flashback to my childhood days:

"God, please, please, please forgive me.
I lied to my mother, to my teacher about some things.
I wasn't a good boy today but please, forgive me anyway.
I repent, I really really do, of everything that I could have possibly done wrong.
Please, please, please, forgive me for every sin I've committed.
And I pray for everyone in the world."

- Chris, at age 11

As opposed to now:

"God, I know I've learned a lot and I've grown in faith, and it's all thanks to you.
But what can I do better? I hope I've been good enough, I hope I've been pleasing enough to you.
So what have I done to deserve this mounting frustration, emptiness, and apathy? I have an undying hunger to get to know you and seek you, and I want to trust that it doesn't matter who I am or what I do, but it's just so hard to let go, and you know.. let you.
And I hope I've been making the right decisions, spending time with the right people, praying enough, being as obedient as I can be. But if I'm not... then what?"

Have I changed all that much?

?

The question of the day:

How can you ever lose when God is on your side?

It always seems as if the battle is mine to lose, as if amidst the millions of tiny little distractions in life, one of them is going to be the one that is going to tear me down and dump me in the ditches.

I always want Him to do something before I can do something... I want Him to show me evidence of His power before I can act and unreservedly give up my time in His service. It always amazes me in the Old Testament when the people always ask God to do something for them, then they add on "then we your people, the sheep of your pasture, will praise you forever..." (Psalm 79:13), or some other conditional thing they will do for God because He's helped them. I always thought there was something wrong about this picture, but I realize for me the question is moot. God's already shown and done more for me than He did for the Israelites in the Old Testament. I am a child of Abraham, a child of the new covenant. Now is a time for response, not a time for excuses.

"When the angel stretched out his hand to destroy Jerusalem, the LORD was grieved because of the calamity and said to the angel who was afflicting the people, 'Enough! Withdraw your hand.'"
- 2 Samuel 24:16a

God stops the calamities in our lives purely out of His mercy and grace. But it was funny reading this, because I never realized the importance of what happened here. God didn't just stay "Stop killing Israel because they're suffering," He allowed His work to happen through David - who offered a burnt offering to the Lord at Araunah's threshing floor. And after the offering was lifted up, the plague ended.

Stop questioning God, and let Him work through you. What better way to serve Him than to be used the way He wants to use you?

What have I gained on my own but loss and suffering anyway?

"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing - if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?"
- Galatians 3:4-5

Rhetorical questions.

to dos

1. be humble every day
2. edify everyone. especially brothers and sisters, whom I love.
3. be led by the Spirit.
4. be a witness.

think and pray

What makes it worth it?

egypt

"Egypt will no longer be a source of confidence for the people of Israel but will be a reminder of their sin in turning to her for help..."
- Ezekiel 29:16

Who do I turn to in my time of need? I always feel like I'm desperately clawing away, trying to get to the surface of a deep lake... and when I get there, there's always a new wave ready to sweep me back down. One gasp of breath is all I get before I'm submerged in fears and worries again. I need someone to depend on, a life preserver, and if that's not Jesus Christ and the gospel message, I'm looking at a flimsy raft made of reeds. It'll hold me up if only for a little bit, but will eventually be shattered. And whether I depend on my own strength, or on relationships, or on church, or on my experiences, they are never going to be sufficient enough to sustain me. The Israelites turned to Egypt, instead of trusting in the Lord who had already proven faithful. The alternative to turning to God always seems easier, but it never is.

I need more than just something that floats. I need an oxygen tank. Something that will sustain me even when I feel as if I'm drowning.

not the gift, but...

Today, I woke up and I feel this giant burden on my heart. I feel like a sinner today.

In that sense, maybe it's a good thing, a time for humility and finding that my efforts are inadequate. On the other hand, it's been revealing to me my shortcomings in my relationship with Him.

My natural tendency when I feel uncomfortable, or when my heart is not at peace, is to cry out for help to God and ask Him to save me from whatever hell I'm in.. and try my best to remember that I am given grace. But is that what it's all about? Is my time to be spent just searching for His grace for the sake of putting my soul at rest?

They always say to love the giver, not the gift. I don't think I've been seeking the giver desperately, just the gift. And that, for my sake. I don't want to be separated from my Lord and my God, and I need to remember that as long as I depend on grace instead of Christ, I have lost focus on what is important.

there is nothing so profound...

... as wanting one thing and only one thing. To have the heart to desire God and seek Him and to see Him and to touch Him and to have His love lavished upon me.

I want nothing more, nothing else.

opening every door

Sitting in the fishbowl, ready to pull a pretty long night. Want to write this post before I start doing anything.

There's a big burden on my heart, because I don't know what to say or what to do. It's one of those times when something is tugging me away and saying everything I do isn't worth it, that it's just easier to live for yourself than for Him. I know I lack so many things, and in particular, I stink at guiding people. I'm a lost sheep trying to get back to the herd, and I can do nothing for the other lost sheep.

I've discovered lately, even through a long weekend of what most people would call extreme "fun," that "fun" isn't worth living for. I can have a good time and all, but when it comes down to it, it's not worth having fun when it means absolutely nothing in an eternal perspective.

That, and the idea of "decisions" has been popping in my mind a lot lately. How do I make my decisions? Do I make them then ask God for His blessing, or do I ask Him for guidance? I realize how closed I actually am to allow God to work.. Even as we were talking about future careers, I said, "I'm open to anything EXCEPT working in a corporate environment."

Is it pleasing to God to make exceptions? I don't think so. I wasn't quite willing to open EVERY door for Him, just MOST of them. It definitely needs to be part of my lifestyle - opening every door, letting Him choose which I need to pass through. What more is there to life, anyway?

there I go again

Me and my big mouth. I hate arguments, but I always seem to find myself in the middle of it, unable to stop. It's like an order of Mickey D's fries. Once you pop, you can't stop. Or whatever the slogan is.

Sharing the Gospel isn't about arguing till your guts fall out and you have assurance that the other person is stumped and you are right.

I have this theory. Logic is in one corner of your mind, faith in a complete different place in your body (I haven't found the place yet)... and no matter how much I appeal to logic, faith is not going to magically appear. That's not to say that they're exclusive though. Logic helps. It just isn't the key.