irrational

We always assume humans are rational. I mean if something is stupid, you won't do it right?

Yeah. We can convince ourselves of any lie; we can commit ourselves to doing the dumbest thing. We are messed up.

Logic kills sometimes, because you can argue for or against both sides of anything. It never gets you anywhere. For all the logic and reason we put our trust in, I've come to the conclusion that after X many years of human civilization, we still haven't come to a consensus. Logic will never prevail.

And I know this all, because I told myself I wasn't going to do something, and literally 15 minutes later I did it. I somehow rationalized in the spur of the moment that it was okay, even though 15 minutes earlier, with a clearer mind and no temptation, I thought it wasn't. Bad logic makes a lot of sense sometimes. To think that at the time, I told myself: "It's logical, so it must be okay!"

When it comes to the actual moment of temptation, predictions mean nothing. You either knew how to rely on God or you knew how to rely on your faulty logic.

Much like this situation:

You can practice shooting free throws all you like, but when you're at the line during the national championship game with the trophy at stake, your 95% FT shooting rate means absolutely nothing. Practice is good, but it is how you react in the face of adversity that reveals your true character.

(Shoot. That last sentence right there sounds like it should be on a fortune cookie or something.)

And one more thing. I buy the lie a lot of times that we can "out-sin" God's grace. Especially when you're about to sin, and you know that it's not right that you're giving in, but you know God will forgive you anyway, so you go and do it... and then you feel horrible and then you realize you're beyond forgiveness.

No. That's not true. Although I really do believe that taking those steps away from Him makes it harder to get back, that's all the more reason that grace increases. Not to say that we should sin so that grace increases. Romans 6 talks about that one.

Sigh. I wish I could be perfect, and I hate that I'm not. I hate depending on something other than myself. Even if it is freeing. It's like I'm scared of freedom. I am very irrational, aren't I?

life now

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."
- Matthew 20:16

Sometimes, I have this itchy thought. I have a lot of itchy thoughts about things I know nothing about, like why there is pain, stuff like that. I never really want to scratch those ones. And I don't want to mess with this thought either. Which is why I'll write about it and then forget about it for the rest of my life.

I only ever referred to that verse up there when I was a sore loser and I felt like telling the winner that they're going to get their comeuppance some day in the future. I don't think I really believed it though. I had sour grapes. Lots of tart, sour grapes.

I wonder though, in Christian life, whether that is true. I mean, we say "everyone's a sinner," but do we really believe it? Do we really believe the last will be first, and the first will be last?

Intrinsically, I love to compare myself with others and say, "That person only comes out to church once a week. I come out more than that. I must be a better person. Therefore, God must love me more."

And I don't get what that verse above actually means, but the way I interpret it now, I will definitely not be first.

One story that pops into my head is that of Darwin's supposed deathbed acceptance of Christ. Honestly, I thought this was a big deal when I was in high school. I mean, what better way to debunk evolution than to say that its founder switched over from the dark side?*

But as I look at this story, I wonder if people like Darwin will be the first in heaven. The murderers; the ones that you react with a gasp to when you hear they got second chances. The serial killers who accepted Christ right before they are electrocuted and you think how unfair it is that they got that chance.

I wonder if the first will not be people like I am: the faithful Christian. I wonder.. if I live seventy years as a faithful Christian, I would expect something extravagant for myself in heaven (and there is merit to the thought that we will receive our heavenly treasures when we die - Matthew 6:19-21). And so I endure the pain now, and I tell myself it's worth it.

But I think for myself, and perhaps a lot of other people, we take so much stock in this idea of delayed gratification. To be honest, I think we're receiving a lot of the benefit of what we expect later now. And there's more, but we don't even appreciate what we already have. Living every day with Christ dwelling within us for seventy years... how's that for a thought instead of seventy years of living a painful Christian life? Life is already joyful (though yes, again, I'm sure it'll be even more so in heaven).

"Yes, Jesus did, as Paul says, die for our sins, but his whole agenda of dealing with sin and all its effects and consequences was never about rescuing individual souls from the world but about saving humans so that they could become part of his project of saving the world. "My kingdom is not from this world," he said to Pilate; had it been, he would have led an armed resistance movement like other worldly kingdom-prophets. But the kingdom he brought was emphatically for this world, which meant and means that God has arrived on the public stage and is not about to leave it again; he has thus defeated the forces both of tyranny and of chaos—both of shrill modernism and of fluffy postmodernism, if you like—and established in their place a rule of restorative, healing justice, which needs translating into scholarly method if the study of the Gospels is to do proper historical, theological and political justice to the subject matter."
- N.T. Wright

I think this is interesting. If we knew that God has arrived and isn't about to leave, and that the victory is already won, why do we struggle so much? It's an awesome privilege just to be part of the mission. The pain we face is infinitely worth it - because we face it as God's arms encircle us. Isn't that something for instant (but maybe not very tangible) gratification?

*As a disclaimer, I don't really care about the whole creationism vs. evolution thing. It wrapped up so much of my thoughts in high school. But my faith doesn't hinge on one small debate anymore. Faith like that isn't worth having. I have faith in a relationship.

learning to love

I think it legitimately made me sad that we were ending LIFE group today. Thoughts of all the talks we could have had, time we could have spent better together, love we could have shared with each other.. it just made me sad.

And I don't want to just be sentimental. I really did take this past year for granted. I've learned some of the biggest lessons of my life. I think it hit me that I love these people if even only a little (with my hard hard heart).

I want to learn to love, to pour it out. I know we have this tradition here where upperclassmen buy underclassmen meals with no demand but to "pass it on." I like it. We should love the same way. Pay it forward.

God loved us first. Jesus died for us first. It's just a little hard to pass it on, that's all. But nothing that can't be overcome with the change that the Holy Spirit works in our hearts. (And I hate talking about the Holy Spirit because sometimes the statements seem so hazy and vague and intangible, but it is true. I changed; people are changed by the Spirit).

Learning to love. 1% of the way there.

warming up

I grew up thinking I was an extrovert. Part of the reason was that when I was very young, my sister introduced me to Myers-Briggs tests, and I took a couple of them. They always had questions like "Do you like being with people?" or things like that. And as a young child, I thought it would be good to fudge my answers and say, "Yes, I do derive my energy from being with people." I also wanted my personality type to be an "E" instead of an "I"... "E" for excellent, "I" for incomplete!

But anyway. Recently, we had to investigate our personalities to understand team dynamics for my summer job as an orientation leader, and I think I fudged my answers again and ended up with an "E." Then we had a session and someone explained about each aspect of a personality type, and I am thoroughly convinced that I am an "I": introvert.

So let's make that clear. Chris is an introvert.

Where this all comes into life is that I am not that big of a fan of meeting people. Although I derive so much comfort from being around people I am comfortable with, putting myself out there and talking with people drains me like... like... like a toilet flush (insert appropriate metaphor).

Every time I muster up the energy to step out the door and share a meal with someone, it's like walking to the doctor's office to get a shot. The anticipation kills. It feels like it's going to be excruciatingly painful for some reason. It's always better than I expect it to be though. My dread is always ridiculously dramatic compared to the actual time of the injection (or the time spent having a conversation with someone).

I think it's just that I hate small talk. I don't enjoy at all the 10 minutes spent on:

"How was your day?"

"How is studying going?"
(in honor of exams week)

"When are you leaving?"
(in honor of the end of the school year)

etc...

But by the time I get warmed up to the conversation, it's been an hour and I sit there for another hour just talking, twiddling my thumbs, listening, and just basking in the joy that this person is a person and so am I, and that we're just there for each other, willing to listen and share. I know by the time the waiter brings the check around that this relationship is valuable.

No, beyond valuable. I mean invaluable. Priceless.

So it is with prayer, too. I dread walking to prayer times. It just seems absurd. Then by the end of however long I pray, so many times I filled and replenished with new hope for the day, in spite of my pessimism. Introvert or not, people are important. God is important. Relationships are important. Love is important.

(And though I write this, I admit in all hypocrisy that I've not taken time out to pray today. And I don't feel like it right now, either. I feel like napping.)

I hate taking energy out for people, yet it's definitely worth taking the time out to warm up to the relationships I cannot live without.

spankings

"When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city..."
- My Chemical Romance, "Welcome to the Black Parade"

(That was random. I only mentioned it because I started writing about when I was younger and that song just popped into my head.)

My dad did take me into the city, though, and a lot more. Sometimes I got spanked at home because I was a bad boy. I never failed to cry. But I would always start crying before I even got spanked. It's really weird.

And it made me think today, why it is that children cry when they get spanked. Is it because of the pain of the spank or just the fact that they are enduring disapproval from their parents?

I'd like to think I had a high pain tolerance, so I'm going to say that I cried because I was ashamed, not because it hurt.

I'm remembering times when I got in arguments or fights with my parents, and my mom or dad would just be really disappointed in me and how they would just sit in silence and wait for me to come apologize to them (or spank me, at least when I was younger). A lot of times I would start out fuming, wondering how they had the audacity to wait for me to apologize first, but I wouldn't be able to take the tension. Most of the times I gave in first (perhaps 49 out of 50 times).

And I know that everytime I went back to say sorry, I would end up crying. And I have no idea why. I would be like, "I'm sorry, blubber blubber blubber blubber..."

Repentance is tough, isn't it? And I really missed having a joyful, tension-less relationship with my parents. For the couple of hours each feud lasted, I would always be in complete agony, like I was missing a part of my soul. And it would be so hard for me to go back and have that heart of humility, but every single time that I went back, the response would always be, "It's okay."

Earthly relationships really are a reflection of heavenly ones.

I wonder how much more tough it is for me to come with that same heart of repentance to God. When the feuds last not hours but years, where the agony is not simply emotional, but is reflected in every area of my life. When I'm missing the only relationship that ever mattered, there is indeed a void in my soul. I am the prodigal son, every single day.

Sometimes I get spanked, but always in the end, God is there to say "It's okay." And I can only come back because the power of Christ enables me to. When it takes me so much strength to muster up the courage to come back to my parents, I have nowhere near enough courage to approach the God of this universe to do the same. I can only come because of Jesus Christ.

metronome

My thoughts swing back and forth. I never seem to be able to find a middle ground, to discover a fitting tempo. I am consumed by too much zeal or too little passion; excessive comfort or foolish adventure; an overinflated ego or utter shame.

As a metronome.

I am never able to stop, swinging back and forth with the rhythms of life. My notes follow that progression. I am not in control; in fact, one day I wake up with the right heart, the next with a ridiculous fantasy of a god I can't trust.

Still ticking away. Click, click, click...

I struggle with the same things over and over again. A big head, selfish time management, love only for myself, fulfilling tasks and obligations, getting lost and lost again in the very things that Jesus came to free me from. I feel as if I messed up big time today. (add to that list: "dwelling on my failures")

Beyond all the vague specifics, beyond what people can judge of me, I know so deeply and so truly that I love myself above all other things. I love attention, I love it when people love me. I enjoy being elevated, I enjoy receiving a hundred times more than giving. Well - receiving all the wrong things.

I can see myself as that kid (or, perhaps, his clueless younger sister) on Youtube opening an N64 and being so, so excited. So excited. "NIIINTEEENDOOO 64!!!!!!!" About what is nothing. I could buy one with my own meager income now. What seemed like such a big deal when I was a child. And I hope that as I grow up, the things that I'm idolizing so much now will no longer be important. Only the One who matters.

Stop this clicking. I want to be free.

never mind

I can't boast about myself, but I can definitely boast about how God has carried me.

I'm here because I'm here. I will be carried through the years. In faith.

fear and trembling

I was sitting today listening to Grad Night testimonies, and I was just wondering how these people managed to cling on to their faith through all four years in college. Why them, and not others?

How do I have the faith I have today? How will I ever manage to hang on to Him?

I don't think I can. I honestly don't. I think I just thought for a moment of how hopeless I am. I fear, because I can't grab a hold of even my own faith.

I fear. And tremble.

art

As a kid, I was one of those semi-slow kids who never really got ahold of his motor skills. I think art is the one class I consistently didn't get A's in until I hit high school and I realized you didn't have to shove the pencil as hard as possible onto the sheet... Art is a cruel reality.

As I created messes on paper, I don't think that in any way made my parents less proud of my artwork. On an objective scale, perhaps my masterpieces would warrant a 0.1 out of 10 (a 15 out of 10 on a scale for abstract and/or modern art), but that didn't stop my mom from telling me how awesome my drawings were. No matter how many jagged lines there were and no matter how many times I ripped holes in my papers because I didn't know how to wield my pencil, (and no matter how many times my evil art teacher gave me Bs and Cs), my art was still framed.

I don't know why I try so hard. Life is art, and as I mess up and color outside the lines once in a while, God loved me no less to send His Son. Wow.

harmony (and a sigh)

I know I have things to face but I don't know what they are. God, help me be vulnerable.

I don't want to improve for the sake of improvement or for the sake of saving myself, but for the sake of glorifying God in my transformation. I'm afraid that somehow I will end up not living for God in the future. I'm afraid to put it all in His hands.

I'm working out salvation with fear and trembling. Forgetting, though, that it is God who is working in me and not me. So, it's definitely mostly self-centered fear and trembling, with very little reverent fear of God involved.

Deep sigh. Ups and downs, right? That's that.

Well, switching gears, I hate it when people feel uncomfortable. I think I have a harmony radar that goes off whenever a person feels uncomfortable. I've been noticing more lately - and I'm glad for this, that God is really giving me a heart for becoming a servant evangelist. It's an answer to one of my prayer requests at Urbana.

And this is a miracle, because I used to be a self-serving evangelist; all about the agenda, not about the relationship. Chris, the Bible-thumping picket protester.

It's hard to find a balance in the spectrum between "I have no problem that my friends are going to burn in hell" (Romans 9:3) and "I'm going to make my friends Christian no matter what it takes, because my words are all that matter and I have the means."

I'm learning to wait and listen, learning to share personally from my experiences, and although I need a million more years of work to be vulnerable, one day I'll be able to.

And yeah. So anyway, the fact that people feel uncomfortable makes me feel uncomfortable. So this past week, I think I adopted a different strategy. (And this may seem quite obvious).

Instead of blindly praying for people and closing my eyes and hoping they'll somehow absorb my spirituality and become Christians... and instead of raising my hands in worship, looking either down at the ground or up at the ceiling and hoping they're learning to worship too, I need to share the experience with them.

And that's presented itself in a lot of ways, but I realize a good icebreaker question is always, "Is this awkward?"

And they'll probably never say "Yes," but it's a good segway into a conversation of their spiritual background and a good opportunity to pray for them. It's really not in our hands.

Preserving harmony is a gift - and making people feel comfortable is what hospitality means. Not smiling, saying "Hi!" and going back to our ways, but to guide them through the whole thing. After all, it might be 5 minutes of awkwardness for you, but it saves them 3 hours of it. Servanthood.

aware

It's sad because you can't ever stop yourself from being self-aware. I wonder what the world would be like if we could be.

On Easter, Pastor Andrew made a comment about sacrificial love:
(I hope it was Easter and not Good Friday. I have such a bad memory..)

"The moment you realize your love is sacrificial, it is no longer sacrificial."

So true. When you know you're making a sacrifice, you weren't making a sacrifice; you were just trying to impress another person, feel better about yourself, whatever. If it were natural, then sacrifice wouldn't seem out of the ordinary, at least not enough for you to be aware about it.

Understanding this is like the secret to bitterness and all the stuff that plagues churchgoers. We're just so aware of the time we spend in church, we're so aware of the things we do to supposedly serve, we're aware of the obligations we keep, we're aware of every devotional time we spend with God.. We don't just do it, we count it. And we expect something in return.

I spend a lot of my time counting my returns. And when they don't amount to much, I get bitter.

I really discovered what Jesus is about. Freedom to know that whatever I'm doing, it's all the same, there's no more or less benefit to doing one thing or another - God puts me in each place for a reason, and He wants me to enjoy the place I'm in. No matter how hard it might be at times, God will care for me.

This "awareness" thing is applicable to tons of other things.. the first thing that pops into my mind:

The moment you realize you are being humble, you are no longer humble.

That one sucks. A lot. (Especially when you're trying your best to be humble.)

But anyway, another thought that comes into my mind is how hard it is for us to commit to change. We don't ever want to change the way we are, and through having a couple different conversations with people, I've found that:

1) People hate questions they can't answer.
2) People hate uncertainty.
3) People hate change.

There's a lot of overlap in those three things. But I know this because we honestly don't want to face the truth.

For many, the most annoying thing about Jesus is that He tells us to drop everything and follow Him. And that's not for everyone, certainly not for the rich young man. But for me, the irony seems to be in the fact that we're so aware of the fact that Jesus is asking us to give up these things. I mean, honestly, it's strange that we are so preoccupied with what we have to give up instead of seeing how much Jesus is offering us.

And maybe if we just stopped being aware of the fact that we were giving things up, and we were just aware of the fact that God loves us and Jesus saves us and that is absolutely all we ever needed, then truly, everything else would be no sacrifice.

P.S. So what can I do about this self-awareness?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's what's awesome about it. Truly, let go, let God.

downplay

I have a couple pet peeves. I really hate it when people start their sentences with one of these two phrases:

"Oh, that's nothing. I've ..."

"No, but..."

These are words of downplay. The connotation I get from these is that "yeah, that's cool, but I'm way cooler." And I think a lot of people do this - whether because we hate affirming other people or we want to show we somehow know something more.

I know one thing I fall prey to is:

"Yeah, you're right, but..."

Sadly, if someone's right, I probably shouldn't put a "but" after saying "you're right." It just doesn't make sense. I do it because I want to be more right. Gotta keep a check on my tongue on that one. :)

I used to downplay the Gospel the same way.

"Yeah, Jesus loves me, that's great. But because He does, I need to serve Him and be obedient."

Alright. Slash that last sentence.

"Yeah, Jesus loves me, that's great! .  But because He does, I need to serve Him and be obedient."

Amen.

confidence

There are always different ways to look at different situations. When I feel down and super emo, I'm tempted to look at the downside and how I'm falling down a depressing hole and no one is going to save me. Sometimes I need to look on the bright side and know that I'm only all emo because I heard something that's true that I didn't want to hear - or because I'm realizing I'm not as good as I seemed.

Someone suggested I'm not all that self-reflective this weekend, and to be honest, I think that's true. I'm very good at telling people what they want to hear.

"I'm struggling with learning how to serve God. I really am having a hard time surrendering my faith to Him."

I mean, honestly, anyone can say that anytime.

I feel like this Lent season has really shown me what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus doesn't want all my devotion, and I shouldn't want what Jesus gives, I should want Jesus. And today on Easter Sunday, I felt no particular emotional/spiritual high, but I am still content because I know Christ remains with me.

Perhaps I'll write this down now so I don't forget:

I'm very forgetful. Ask me what God has done in my life the past year and everything will just be a blank mess. Ask me what I learned last week and I wouldn't be able to tell you. I'm not sure why I'm like this.

I'm very messed up in a lot of ways. But perhaps instead of seeing it like a burden that I need to struggle through and improve on using some sort of Confucian standard (I'm saying Confucian because every Chinese fortune cookie seems to talk about success and how to obtain it).

I used to believe it was my faithfulness in prayer, or my crazy efforts to overcome these failures that would change me, but no. No more of this:

Chris, you just woke up for morning prayer. God has to bless you.
"Jesus, please change me and help me to change... I need you."

More of this:

Chris, it doesn't matter that you're here or not. It's awesome that you get to spend time with God.
"God, I am confident that you will change me and make me more like you, for I know Jesus dwells with me and died for my sake - so that I could approach you like this and ask a father as a son, confident that I am loved and confident that I have already been given everything I need. I am confident you love me the way I am."

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."
- 2 Corinthians 3:4-6

gift

A gift only means something if it cost something for the giver.

cease

"When fears are stilled, when strivings cease."

A line from the song "In Christ Alone." It touches me deeply because I know that this is what changes me - the point where I no longer have to fear for my own salvation but know that God is God and I am me, that I can stop trying, for once, take a deep breath, and enjoy God.

Be still, Chris.

"Be still, and know that I am God; 
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10