euthanasia

I read an article this morning on euthanasia. Apparently, the majority of my generation is in favor; which makes sense, when we want something, we go get it. Including death.

"There is nothing new under the sun, only endless repackagings." - John Piper

The mentality isn't too far from the Nazis. I bet they probably believe in those five statements I laid out above. And I bet the Jews would beg to differ.

Today's reading in the Bible reminded me that men will debate and argue over what is "right," but what is right is what God has ordained.

"Streams of tears flow from my eyes, for your law is not obeyed!" (Psalm 119:136)

reads

Because they had been unfaithful to the LORD, Shishak king of Egypt attacked Jerusalem in the fifth year of King Rehoboam. (2 Chronicles 12:2)

fall 2012

Fall 2012 is already gone, and that marks another semester in the books. That one was truly a blur.

What have I learned about God, and what have I learned about myself?

It's easier to start with me, I guess. I found myself in August sitting in a chair, struck by the fear of responsibility and being exposed in different areas of my life as I saw the ugly side of myself to the core. To this day, I am not exactly sure what I'm doing. I don't like the idea of being confronted with my failures or insecurities, but God made it clear why we sing "where you go I'll go": even if the storms are ridiculous, it's safer to be in a hurricane with God than it is to be in a controlled safe-zone bubble without Him.

I am human, and I am frail.

The next couple months had me running nonstop, in and out of home and work and church. The very few things that remain are what God impressed in me through His Word and through experiences.

For one, my fear of people shrank and my appreciation for church and trust in people multiplied from a small thing to a slightly bigger thing. I can see who my role models are and why, as I contrast myself with who I thought I was. The "niceness" of my life was interrupted with an underlying coarseness, friendships became synonymous with conflict, and complex theologies boiled down to the simple truths of everyday life.

Life became real. Things that seemed like definites - church attendance, faithful devotion, outspoken faith - all these disintegrated into uncertainties as I met different kinds of people and saw people I know change. And in it, I see how much greater God's grace is when we are indeed able to savor those gifts. I can't take for granted that there is a community of people around me who are chasing after God - if not for them, I would certainly not. Nor that there are men trying to lead others to Christ - if not for them, I would crumble. Nor can I gloss over the fact that I find myself less lovable each day but feel more loved because of exactly that self-knowledge.

God is patient, and He always provides.

God has also been showing me how much He cares for the poor and powerless. A tour of Compassion in January, run-ins with the homeless, watching Nefarious and Passion's Freedom Film, and reading Isaiah 58 all tell me that God's heart is so much bigger than mine. Only when Jesus is Lord over my own heart will I start to gain His - Psalm 119:32 - because as it is, it's as shriveled as a prune. My prayer has been that God grows my heart in compassion.

God cares for the widow and the fatherless, the oppressed and the hungry.

I'm thankful for the relationships that have developed over the past semester. They seem so (again... that word) real, untainted by the obligations of what I always expected and thought friendships should look like. Friendships will look like whatever God intends them too. That goes for people in my LIFE group, people at my workplace, roommates, family; whoever. One thing remains true: a relationship only grows as deep as I'm willing to invest. As ugliness arises in myself and the people I know, I find that there's more room for God's grace.

God sees all the ugly and He loves us still.

joyful surprises

I stumbled across a Facebook post from someone I knew in elementary school.

As far as I can recall, he was one of the worst kids I knew in the 4th grade. He was the reason I learned my first Korean curse words. He was a bully and treated kids younger than him poorly (as myself). He abused his power and personality selfishly. All I have are bad memories of an abrasive personality.

But it's somewhat amazing because what I found was a long-winded post about how the essence of faith in God is that He works in our hearts, not that we offer our sacrifices and go pray early mornings and try to earn His love with our devotion. Such profound truth in such eloquent Korean.

My point being.. God can both choose and change anyone. Anyone.

unity

I'm used to being somewhat of a lone wolf when it comes to doing things, going places, figuring things out. The thought of depending on someone doesn't even cross my mind - I will rule out every other possible option before I go and ask someone to help.

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" (1 Corinthians 12:21)

The eye is probably pretty stuck up. I can just imagine what it might think. I am a beautiful masterpiece. I can be blue, brown, green; you name it - people don't say "Your hands are beautiful" half as often as they say "Your eyes are beautiful." I matter a whole lot more than you, Mr. Hand.

Regrettably, I often think like this.

One of the brothers in my year from undergrad called together a prayer meeting for our class. It's been a while - we got together, people shared about how this season has been. Maybe I was sick of hearing about peoples' problems but I had some major internal eye-rolling. Then, after that, we prayed for what seemed like eternity as our hands were plastered together from sweat and everyone was twitching their feet. Much more internal eye-rolling.

But after my patience had hit its limit and I felt like we needed to be done and should move on with our lives, God softened my heart a little. I was humbled to know that there were people who were still willing to seek God and run this race for Him, and who were not in a hurry to leave the King's presence (Ecclesiastes 8:3). And I'm reminded how stale my heart gets if I am not daily jolted back to life.

I am thankful for these brothers and sisters. Thanks, Remedy.

impact

It's one thing to be hopeless and quite another to be surrendered. Sometimes we can't tell the difference.

I'm part of what I would call a "missional" church and a start-up company. Both involve big visions and big thoughts and dreams of big impact.

The shortcoming of being in these contexts is that sometimes I'm not content with the simple joys of life. The grandmother wielding a knitting needle in her rocking chair has a better grasp of God's daily, common grace than I do... I won't be satisfied until poverty is eradicated from the planet.

I'm just learning how to walk with God. Perhaps one day, He will grant that I go to the nations and do crazy things, but for now, I want to know how to thank Him for my roommates, my family, my church, my co-workers, and Jesus, who is prying more control from my hands every day. I want to demonstrate His free and unconditional love to the people around me now.

So when I feel like I'm not making enough of a dent in the issues in the world and peoples' lives, I remember that it's an act of faith to do anything at all. I don't want to turn hopeless, "Oh, woe is me and woe is the world, why are things not changing?" All I can really do is ask God to use my words, my deeds, my devotion, and my weaknesses.

And then I wait for the surprises to unfold.

short film

This is the best argument against eugenics and abortion.

mission

There's a lot that goes into finding a life's purpose. It's one of those things that everyone expects you to have but not many people actually do. Most peoples' actions speak for themselves, and my own drifting-down-the-river-take-me-where-you-will life trend is peaceful but at times dissatisfying.

I wish I had a mission statement. Black and white, night and day. Everyone always wishes that life fit into nice segments like that. Mathematicians most of all, computer scientists like myself equally as much. So we make crude approximations of what the real world is like and try to form it into something that makes sense.

This past week I was in my LIFE group and was just reminded what my life's purpose is. Unfortunately, it's too vague to be satisfying, but I think when the nuance of it hits me, I am immeasurably joyful.

So here it is:

The goal of my life is to praise Jesus' name and see other people do the same.

Men smarter and wiser than me came up with one many years ago in the Westminster Shorter Catechism: "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever." And I agree with that, too. I just wanted to write my own because I felt like it.

I often think our time singing and worshiping God is just a means to another end, a segue into a Bible study or a spiritual discussion. But when I realize that all God really cares about is that people praise and enjoy Him and make that everything, it changes everything. It clicked this week for me, not for the first time, and certainly not for the last. It clicked that I don't need to finish up or speed through that awkward time when no one really feels like praying or singing because we're just too distant from God and too proud to admit it. It clicked that what we don't need is more programs and more discussions, but just simply a greater love and satisfaction in God.

Then the Psalms start to make more sense. "May the peoples praise you, God; may all the peoples praise you." (Ps. 67:3)

Then the picture of heaven in Revelation makes more sense. "Day and night, they never stop saying: 'Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.'" (Rev. 4:8b)

Then the Great Commission becomes a little clearer. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:19a)

So whatever helps people to sing, speak, and delight in praising Jesus. Those are the things that are worth doing.

tongue depressors and shots

I had a few spats with shots and tongue depressors growing up. I hated the thought that there were tiny things traveling around in my bloodstream affecting me on the inside, and I gagged every time the doctor tried to get me to say, "Ahhhhh." The joyous sounds were always more like, "Agghhh-cack-cack-cack."

A couple specific incidents stick out in my memory. One was when I actually wrote my pediatrician a Christmas card saying, "Thank you for being my doctor; please don't use the tongue depressor on me next time I come in." The second was when I was slated for an MMR vaccination and I cried for a few good hours before the shot, and I was crying so hard I didn't realize that the doctor had already injected me and been done with it for a good while.

I only say all these things because I see those same fears in me at times. I can handle a shot, I gag a little less with the tongue depressors, but a lot of times I'll find myself being inordinately consumed by fear. Fear can inflict a whole lot more pain than the object of fear.

I've been afraid of facing criticism, I've been afraid of facing failure, I've been afraid of meeting new people, I've been afraid of social humiliation, I've been afraid of getting cancer; you name it, I've probably drowned myself in the fear of it. But I can see things have been changing slowly but surely, because I'm learning to live in the moment and just wait till it actually happens.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:6

trust and obey

This past summer has been amazing. I'm so thankful to God for all He's done.

There have been countless amount of times when I've felt guilty, ashamed, annoyed, frustrated, proud and weak. And God has not failed to deliver me once. No, not once.

I used to think that when things weren't going well that it was up to me. I had to get on my knees and fast, I had to read the Bible more, I had to serve more, I had to pray more. The voice of condemnation is oft the loudest and most convincing. Chris, why weren't you better?

I used to think that it was God's fault. If He's sovereign, why didn't he fix the problem? I'm a mere human, after all. There is no power in me to change anything. But God, can't you? God, why aren't you better?

But I've realized the power of simply obeying God and doing what He says. He says, "Follow me, and I will make you a fisher of men."

And without fail, every time I don't want to succumb to the discomfort of loving annoying people, every time I refuse to share God's love with someone who needs it, every time I have told Him, "God, I honestly don't love this guy, and I cannot." He has taught me to refuse to turn away and still say, "But I know Jesus overcame sin, so please overcome this sinful heart in me." Every time, God has opened amazing doors.

God, you are better. Create in me a clean heart; restore to me the joy of Your salvation; cast me not away from Your presence; do not take your Holy Spirit from me. For this is where I want to be.

cynicism

A cynic is someone who is "critical of the motives of others."

That comes out for me when I see people and I assume the absolute worst. Somewhere deep down inside, I know I'm the absolute worst and I assume that everyone else, including God, can only be worse than I am. So when I feel jaded and frustrated, I can only assume that everyone else is doing everything for the wrong reason, to please and serve their own selves.

At heart, it's a faith issue. No doubt everyone's motives are nasty and twisted on the inside, but sometimes I forget to believe that Jesus walks alongside us and purifies us to overcome our own sinful hearts. Sometimes I forget there's a way out. Sometimes I see what we should be and what we fail to be, and I forget that Jesus loves us anyway, and that He also made a way. Sometimes, I forget.

But the battle of the Christian, my battle to fight, is to stop where I am in my cynicism. Things are terrible now, no doubt, and objectively falling apart, but to turn in these times to the living God who can change all things. To the living Son of God who overcame sin and weakness and trust that it is finished. To the Christian, a broken situation is nothing but an opportunity to shine God's light.

I admire the Penn State players who are responding to their whole situation with optimism. I don't think human optimism lasts, but hope in God to accomplish and fulfill His purposes always will. What they said was purely inspiring:

"As a team, we don't see this as a punishment, this is an opportunity," senior running back Michael Zordich said. "This is the greatest opportunity a Penn Stater could ever be given. We have an obligation to Penn State and we have the ability to fight not just for a team, not just a program, but for an entire university and every man that wore the blue and white on the gridiron before us. We are going to embrace this opportunity and we're going to make something very special happen in 2012."
Added senior linebacker Michael Mauti: "This program was not built by one man and this program sure as hell is not going to get torn down by one man."

Bravo. Replace every reference to Penn State with either "God" or "the Church" and you have yourself one amazingly holy quote.

don't back down

You know, I'm afraid. Because I'm not sure if I'm going to raise enough money to cover this plane ticket, if I'll find enough support, what's going to happen, all that stuff. But I decided I'm not gonna let fear dictate my life. I'm going, and maybe I'll have to raise the rest of the funds after I get there, and maybe it'll fall apart, but I'm going.

And that's... the essence of faith, isn't it? To go somewhere when you don't know what will happen. To not let what you see dictate your decisions. And the whole difference in someone who is led by God and someone who is not is that someone who knows Jesus can have the firm confidence that God will never leave him nor forsake him, that if God is calling and we follow, that if we have nothing else in this life, we have Him.

That is a difficult one to fight for, I admit. But it's fully worth it. Jesus, raise up more men like this in our generation.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9

the living word

My daily morning routine takes me to Starbucks on State St. at 7:30. I normally lounge around a little and read a little bit of the Bible and chat a little bit with friends who might be around. Early morning Starbucks is the new hot destination for recent college grads.

Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lake and caught all kinds of fish.
- Matthew 13:47

Matthew Henry's commentary explains that the church catches all different kinds of people, those redeemed and not, and he mentions the times when Jesus asked his disciples to let down their nets and they respond, "We've been doing this all day and we know what we're doing so whatever, but we'll do it because you say so."

As I'm sitting at Starbucks reading this, someone comes and sits on the couch next to me. He looks like an incoming freshman, but you can't really be sure and the blue lanyard he's wearing indicates he could be here for anything - summer camp, college, a conference, etc.

I look over at him, and God puts on my mind, "Talk to this guy."

We've all heard this story before in some sermon or some Christian book. I started thinking back to all the times people shared about their experiences with timidity and in getting these impressions from God - they often end with some crazy moment where the person is ministered to in prayer or accepts Christ or something.

I've been there too many times before, and most of the time I end up forcing a conversation out of fear, and it never ends really well. But this time, I couldn't help but think of the verses that talk about not worrying what to say because the Spirit will give you words to speak (Matthew 10:19), not fearing man but fearing God who can kill you and also send you to hell (Matthew 10:28).

So I'm sitting here wavering on the fence... and there was a huge jumble of thoughts racing through my mind:

What if this guy was sent to hell and asked me, "Why didn't you talk to me?"
Alright, God, if you want me to do this, give me the Spirit's power.
I'm totally not doing this.
I'm scared he's going to flip out and reject me.
Is that the worst thing that can happen? And how can I call myself surrendered if I can't even bear such small shame?
It's quiet in Starbucks. People are going to look over and think I'm weird.
Is this the moment he's going to accept Christ, if I talk to him?
I am an absolute nobody. I might be one link in a chain of a thousand people and God doesn't want me to take any glory.
Maybe... God just wants me to talk to him.

I calculate a lot.

In the end, God makes what He wants happen. During this silent torture I was inflicting on myself, the guy looked at me and we made eye contact for a second. I said, "Sup."

The conversation wasn't too long. He's in town for a week bumming because his dad is here for some conference. I invited him to LIFE group because he said he was bored and asked him if he needed prayer for anything. He probably thinks I'm a weirdo.

I'm thankful for the chance to be obedient to His Word. Because maybe it doesn't have anything to do with what happens after I do something. Maybe it has a lot more to do with listening and following, even if nothing comes of it. And in the end, He'll bear fruit.

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."
- Luke 5:5

fight

We've been learning what it means to be a REAL man at our church. REAL in all caps because it's an acronym like all great things:

Reject Passivity
Exemplify Integrity
Accept Responsibility
Lead Courageously

I must admit I wasn't readily convinced by these things a year and a half ago, but the more it's in the back of my mind as I live life and I see what lacking these qualities can do to a man's character and to how it affects the world around him, I realize that they're crucial.

It's not explicitly specified, but I think one quality that I really want to grow in and see other men grow in is in fighting to the death. More accurately, fighting the death.

Sin produces death. My natural response to such sin is to run in the other direction.
What, Chris? You're struggling with pride because you have a public reputation and position? Then just quit your position because it's making you proud.

What, Chris? You're struggling with lust? Then avoid anyone of the opposite gender at all costs, because they're the cause.

There's a fine line between proactively fighting against something and running away from it. I guess I could be proactively fighting by making decisions to steer away from the triggers to my sin, but more often than not, I make those decisions because I'm fearful of having to deal with my own sin being exposed. I'm afraid to repent and confess and come clean. And that's how we fight. In our weakness.

I want to learn to come head-to-head with my weaknesses, acknowledging their reality yet not backing down or despairing but having hope and faith that Jesus can overpower my sin no matter how great.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
- 1 Timothy 6:12

a reason to die for

Thabiti Anyabwile, Thinking, Loving, Doing (p. 97-98):

"'Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it ... If anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward' (Matt. 10:39, 42 NIV). Christian, throw safety and security and ease and comfort and convenience to the dogs! Give yourself to something greater - the glory of God and the joy of God. Jesus is our reward. Lose your life for Jesus and the gospel so that you will find your life. Give that cup of water - in other words, do even small acts of mercy in the name of Jesus and the gospel - and you will have a reward you cannot lose. Count it all loss so that you might gain Christ. Stop fearing man - and go get your reward, which is loving fellowship with God in heaven. God is your portion, your inheritance. And to everyone who goes out with the gospel of the kingdom, God gives himself as the fulfillment of all their hopes and joy. Go get him."

your love never fails

There are some songs that you can't ambiguously sing to both your girlfriend and your God. This is one of them.

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning

You make all things work together for my good

a cookie story

This morning, I was munching on some cookies that a friend dropped off from Thailand, and they reminded me of Pecan Sandies. The last time I had these cookies was some time in middle school... but the thought brings back a memory from long ago.

When I was four or so, I was at Winn-Dixie - the mighty Walmart of the South. My mom told me stories of how I would sing their "Winn-Dixie, everyday~" jingle whenever I was there because the lady at the bakery counter once rewarded me with a cookie. Apparently I did this at every other grocery store also... though they didn't think it as cute.

Anyway, I put a carton of Pecan Sandies on the checkout counter. They were to be a gift, so my mom paid for it, my sister did all the wrapping and card-writing, and I signed my name and put on a cute face. I loved cookies, and somehow word got to me that my dad liked this specific kind, and the cookies were for his birthday.

From that day on, Sandies held a sacred place in my heart. Whenever I walk by them in the grocery store, I think of my dad. And I think I got these cookies for him at least a couple other times.

At some point in time, I realized he didn't really love these cookies. There's a reason they're called Sandies. But to hear him say, "Thank you!" for a gift I was able to offer brought me a whole lot of joy. He would set the cookies on the living room table and eat them slowly as he watched TV or worked on his papers.

The more I learn and see, the more I realize I'm not a particularly tasteful brand of cookie in God's eyes. I say all the wrong things, think the nastiest thoughts, and can't do half of what I feel I'm supposed to be doing. But for some reason, He really seems to like those Pecan Sandies. He'll take them and say, "Thank you!" every time.

Thank you, Jesus, that I can still be loved despite me because God sees me the way He sees You.

the spirit and the Word

I visited a session at a missions conference last night with a few people from our church to serve and help out a little bit. I think I love getting out and seeing and worshiping with different kinds of people. It's definitely refreshing once in a while.

The speaker spoke on the topic "What is the Gospel?" and his main points were:

1. The gospel isn't what we do, it is what God has done in Christ.
2. The gospel is not what we say but what God has said.
3. It is not what we have said or done on God's behalf, but what He has said and done on our behalf.

the folly of living to help people

It's very trendy these days to be helping people. I mean... you can buy stuff to help people in third-world countries, help support children who don't have money to feed themselves, volunteer at your local hospital, serve at your local church, join an impactful student organization, etc.

If I told you that I was starting a restaurant that donates $5 for every $10 earned to help starving children in Africa, I'd probably elicit one of these reactions:

1. Wow, Chris, that's awesome! I'm glad you're putting your education to good use.
2. Wow, you have such a good heart, Chris.
3. That sounds interesting, let me know when you open!
4. (more rarely) *cynicism*

And yes, it's completely admirable and beautiful in God's sight to do such a thing:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27) 

But when helping people becomes the end goal and purpose of my life (getting back to the title of this post), many, many bad things can happen.

1. People who write godly blog posts backed by the Bible, will not agree with you. This is generally bad.
2. When you don't feel "useful," you will be very depressed.
3. You feel like a burden when you aren't helping people.
4. This will all eventually kill you on the inside. And perhaps kill you for real, too.

I don't want to find my worth in how well I serve God, how much fruit I bear, how many hungry mouths I feed, how many people I lead to Jesus, how well our business helps people, how much I love people, or anything else that involves something I do.

I take being "rooted in Christ" to mean that I don't judge myself to be the best Christian when I have done the most for God. The disciples would argue which among themselves was the greatest, but Jesus tells us to be like children.

And children aren't worried about how useful they are. They don't worry when their parents feed them whether they are serving their parents enough or they are doing enough for their parents. They know that their parents love them, but that doesn't necessarily mean they need a reason to be loved. They are loved because their parents are loving, not because they are worth loving.

And this is the love of Jesus. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Before I started trying to help people, Jesus loved me. May I never think that the purpose of my life is to "help people."

I want it to be to draw attention to the One who loves those who help and those who do not help alike. And that means... I'm going to stop writing and go help people.

internet explorer and the gospel

They know something about effective marketing. And part of what makes this ad so compelling to me is that they aren't denying their faults.

I'm tempted to react to my faults - to criticism - defensively. I get easily offended. In some ways, it's the reaction of someone in denial. If you put it more nicely, it is the reaction of someone who is afraid of being worthless.

But consider Internet Explorer 6. At one point, it was hugely popular. But as time went on, it became practically worthless. There were too many flaws, too many security vulnerabilities, too much rotten stuff going on. If Microsoft spent its time trying to revise it, they would be at work until the end of eternity debugging.

So Microsoft did what had to be done. They started over. And then they launched a campaign counting down the days until Internet Explorer 6 is completely eradicated from the planet (http://www.ie6countdown.com).

"The only thing that Internet Explorer is good for, at all, is downloading other browsers!"

Indeed, this is all we are good for.

All the patchwork, self-improvement, making much of our own gifts and talents - it is worth nothing. I spend a lot of my time at times trying to figure out how I can become a better person, but all that time comes at the expense of more time I could be pointing others to the better version of me. The perfect one.

"For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:17)

And Jesus is the perfect version of man. He who paid the price for man, who replaced man on the cross, and in death and resurrection brought all men life and righteousness. I count down the days until Christ's righteousness is fully revealed and man's righteousness is nowhere to be found. The truth of the matter being:

"The only thing that I am good for, at all, is pointing to the worth of Christ!"

stay-at-home

Inspired by this blogpost this morning: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/christ-something-insult

I've sat through a good number of services filled with testimonies while attending HMCC - whether they be baptism ceremonies, spontaneous Friday night testimony-sharing times, or Grad Nights, and for me, none were as good as the two this past week.

I remember thinking as a freshman (and a sophomore... and a junior, for that matter), "I wonder what I'll share when I get up there. I wonder what kind of crazy stories I could tell about what happened during my college career?"

(Duly noted: conspicuous lack of God in my thinking...)

This past week when I was sitting in our Easter baptism service, I remember the thoughts quietly seeping in once again.

"God, why don't I get to have crazy things like this happen in my life? Why don't you send down angels from heaven and meet me on my road to Damascus? Why can't I give that kind of testimony?"

And He placed the story of the prodigal son in my heart. The cynical older brother.

"Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!" (Luke 15:29b-30)

To be honest, I don't think the older son really cared about whether he was thrown a feast or not. I think he just wanted to be assured of his father's love.

"My son," the father said, "You are always with me, and everything I have is yours." (Luke 15:31)

What the father says poses somewhat of a dilemma for the insecure older son. To admit that the father was being truthful required trust. A kind of trust that grows over time, that allows him to believe that the father keeps his word.

I'm believing more and more everyday in the Father that keeps His Word. When he says that everything He has is mine, I believe it, whether or not I'm thrown a feast. And I cannot be jealous of those who are thrown those feasts. I will celebrate, because they are the brothers who are coming home to know the same love of the Father who loved me when I was insecure - whether I slaved for him or not.

criticism

I don't really know how to deal with criticism.

We always got comment sheets from our school growing up, with a bunch of checkboxes to mark off - and there would always be a positive checkbox side and a negative checkbox side and the moment the negative side had any trace of ink on it, I would freak out. One time, I shredded them all, hoping my parents would never see anything to possibly suggest that I wasn't doing perfectly fine.

Needless to say, the box labeled "Accepts criticism well" was always left blank.

I've always thought that understanding the gospel would help with that. People can't take the bad news because there's no good news to save us from the bad. I think that's why we get defensive.

A quote within a quote within a book I'm reading expressed it really well. This is why I need Jesus.

In light of God's judgment and justification of the sinner in the cross of Christ, we can begin to discover how to deal with any and all criticism. By agreeing with God's criticism of me in Christ's cross, I can face any criticism man may lay against me. In other words, no one can criticize me more than the cross has.
- Alfred Poirier, qtd. in Worship Matters p. 223

no turning back

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24

I've done my rounds and as we're hitting the final stretch of this season, I'm tired, beaten, and bruised. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing anymore, and of the things I know I should be doing, I don't feel like I have the strength to get up and do it. Sometimes, I want to give up and slink to the sidelines. But no, God offers a power I could never muster up on my own.

"I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation."
- Psalm 118:13-14

"Jesus replied, 'No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.'"
- Luke 9:62

It's painful to say, but sometimes the only way past the fire is through it.

I watched the movie Chariots of Fire with a friend yesterday and something amazing about the story is just the heart of the men who don't stop running the race they're given. It's inspiring. Easier said than done, for sure.

The end for us is more than just tape marking a finish line. It's the hope of finding good rest without regret, it's the hope of seeing and enjoying the treasures we stored up in heaven. It's the hope of meeting Jesus face-to-face one day and hearing, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." We don't stop running this race until we die. No turning back.

worth

But God drags away the mighty by his power; though they become established, they have no assurance of life. He may let them rest in a feeling of security, but his eyes are on their ways. For a little while they are exalted, and then they are gone; they are brought low and gathered up like all others; they are cut off like heads of grain.
- Job 24:22-24

For a little while they are exalted, and then they are gone.

I've lived off of man's praise for a long, long time. I've had daily doses and injections of ego from teachers, parents, friends - whether direct or indirect - references to intellect, discipline, maturity, talent, skill, achievement, whatever. And it feels good. But it's most surely a fleeting joy. Who will remember me in a century? Who will remember Steve Jobs in even 20 years?

He may let them rest in a feeling of security...

Again, it feels good. To feel like I'm capable, to have a high GPA, to get a nice job, to feel accomplished, secure, to be constantly told that I will do great things. And perhaps all those things are true.

They are brought low and gathered up like all others...

But in the end, one day I will grow old and my brain will slow down. Perhaps, I contract a mental disorder and I can't be the smart kid anymore. Perhaps I end up crippled. Perhaps I get caught in a fire and half my body is burned. These things are surely implausible, but not impossible. I'm sure Job (in the Bible) didn't think he was going to lose everything so abruptly.

I thank God that our treasure is in heaven.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
- Matthew 6:19-21

we are but trees

Five interesting things I've run across this past week:

1) When is Indecision Loveless and Sinful? (A Lesson from Bonhoeffer)

2) Just Do Something - Kevin DeYoung

3) How He Loves - David Crowder Band
"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy"

4) "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire." (Luke 3:8)

5) "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor." (1 Corinthians 3:7-8)

hopelessness

As a computer scientist, I live and breathe problem-solving. An average workday looks something like this.

"Chris, the website's not working. Something's broken."

"Oh, is that so? Let me fix it."

Chris tinkers around for anywhere from 15 minutes to 6 hours...

"FIXED IT I'M THE BOSSS POAMEFWMF!!"

Unfortunately, life isn't just a bug list that you can knock out one at a time. And the huge problem with computer scientists like me is that it's just too hard to break out of that mentality.

Recently, God's been challenging me with the idea - what if the problem isn't the problem...

What if the problem is you?

That is - what if in reality, it wasn't the bug that mattered so much as the programmer who caused the bug. Because if you had perfect programmers, you'd have perfect programs. And unfortunately that will never happen.

I've made a mountain of blunders this past week in various contexts with various people, and I impulsively want to go hide away in a cave somewhere and seclude myself from humanity. But since that's not very practical, instead I address my failures by trying to asking, "Chris, how can you fix/make up for/rectify this situation?"

And I think there's one thing I need to understand - that I didn't "make a failure," I am the failure. The sin can't be separated from the self because the self is sin - as Paul refers to the sinful nature in Romans. And this is very depressing and seemingly hopeless.

In a book I've been reading, a dude named Bob Kauflin talks about hopelessness. And he shared about how his testimony came together when he only realized how hopeless he was:

About a year into the process I talked to a good friend, Gary Ricucci, whom I am now in a small group with at Covenant Life Church. I said, “Gary, I feel hopeless all the time.”

He said, “You know, Bob? I think your problem is that you don’t feel hopeless enough.”

I don’t know what I looked like on the outside, but on the inside I was saying, “You are crazy. You are crazy. I feel hopeless.”

He said, “No, if you were hopeless, you would stop trusting in yourself and rely completely on what Jesus Christ accomplished for you." That was the beginning of the way out. And I remember saying to myself literally hundreds of times—every time these feelings of hopelessness and panic and a desire to ball up in a fetal position would come on me—“I feel completely hopeless because I am hopeless, but Jesus Christ died for hopeless people, and I’m one of them.”

Over time I began to believe that. And today when I tell people that Jesus is a great Savior, I believe it, because I know that he saved me. That’s where my joy comes from. My joy comes from knowing that at the very bottom, at the very pit of who I am, it is blackness and sin, but the love and grace of Jesus goes deeper.

- Hope for Your Dark Night of the Soul

I never thought it could feel so good to be hopeless. I'm going to screw up today, you know. But the awesome thing is that that's not what matters. The awesome thing is that today, tomorrow, forever, God is making me more like Jesus and strengthening me to please Him. And one day, I'll have eternal life in a world with God and without sin.

think before you do

(http://thealphanetworkeralliance.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/house-on-sand.jpg)

I remember reading the Mythical Man-Month in class last semester and reading that in a programming project, we should only spend 1/6 of our time actually coding. I heard that and it made sense, but I didn't really believe it.

So here I am, working at truApp and thinking I've got this whole programming thing down. When I'm given a task, I dive in and start hacking away. What I've noticed: I get it done quick, but I don't understand what I wrote, and it takes longer to fix bugs than it took to write the code in the first place. I might as well start over, take some index cards, sit down, plan thoroughly, and start over. And I've done that many times.

What I take from this is that execution is never the most important part. If I'm planning an event, the actual event is the easy part but if the preparation and the planning isn't done well, the damage control required afterward is huge.

Preparation > execution.

Sometimes I think that when we're worshiping together at church and people are mute and unwilling to sing, we need to come up with more gimmicks and better teaching methods to get them to sing. But the execution is only a sign of the lack of preparation. No amount of pestering people is going to change that. And we can modify behavior, but that's only doing the bug fixes. It will take forever, and nothing will really change.

Instead of trying to fix what's broken, we can start over. And do it right from the get-go. Start on the right foundation.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand."
- Matthew 7:24-26

People will come and worship God when they're genuinely in love with God. And until then, all we can do is tell them how beautiful God really is.

gold is not all that glitters

This past week I was going through our church's Bible reading plan, and read the story of the rich young man in Matthew 19. It's a story that's remained in the back of my mind as far back as I can remember. And it's funny because I don't think I can even properly remember the story of Samson with all the VeggieTales videos and storybooks, but this brief encounter between Jesus and one man embedded a deep fear in my heart that I couldn't shake.

A rich man comes to Jesus and asks him what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus replies with a few of the Ten Commandments and to "love our neighbors as ourselves."

Check. Chris, you are golden. One-way ticket to heaven!

The rich young man replies, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?"

Wait. This guy sounds a lot like me. "Lack"? Am I missing something here?
Jesus says, "If you want to be perfect..."

Yes, indeed. We must be perfect to get to heaven. I want to be perfect! What's the catch?
"... go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

And the young man went away sad because he had great wealth.

Later, Jesus goes on to say that it's harder for the rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to enter the eye of a needle. As a child, I thought that was too tight a squeeze for me, and therefore resolved never to be rich, period.

Now, at age 20, I succeeded. I am not monetarily rich, and don't plan on ever really being rich. But I do have a CS degree from one of the most prestigious universities in America, and apparently that's worth a pretty high-paying entry level job at companies like Amazon, Facebook, or Google. I'm a good person; I've followed every rule. I'm generally regarded as highly intelligent. I haven't rebelled against my parents. I'm pretty generous. I know how to welcome people. I know how to share about Jesus with people. I serve faithfully in the church. I'm pretty athletic, and I'm at least above average in most things I can think of. They aren't literally gold, but these are very shiny things. And what the Apostle Paul thinks about himself, I often think of myself:

"If someone else thinks they have reasons to be confident in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless."
- Philippians 3:4b-6

But then he goes on to say:

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ."
- Philippians 3:7

All that he had going for him was going against him. It's like how the wealth of the rich man keeps him from passing through the eye of the needle. It's like a man whose house is on fire and when he stops to grab his possessions, he ends up burning to death. It's like Lot's wife who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. It's like putting your hand in a Pringles can and being unable to pull it back out because you're holding on to too many chips. It is like many, many things.

But more than anything, it is like the rich young man who went away sad.

And I am not super rich in terms of money and possessions, but I am rich in terms of gifts and talents. And I always wondered how I could give all those things up; that is, how I could stop trusting in my talents as my backup for finding a job, stop trusting in the wisdom I have to counsel people, and stop trusting in the comforts of everyday life to carry me another day.

So cliche, but the answer is always, always Jesus. Because Jesus is the One who opens my eyes to see that the key words are not go, sell your possessions, but they are you will have treasure in heaven. And as my eyes widen daily to see just how awesome the treasure is - talking with God, being in His presence, knowing God's truth, feasting on His Word, having His guidance, being part of His Kingdom and will - my talents and gifts are indeed loss for the sake of Christ.

All this to say that: gold, my good sirs, is not all that glitters.

reading the Bible

Getting started on a new Bible reading plan for the year. I'm always inspired by this thought:

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God."
- 2 Corinthians 1:20

When Jesus died and rose, He paid for all the promises of God with His blood. And if it is paid for, then it is free for me.

Praise God because all the gifts of His promises are under the tree; and it's Christmas morning. I'm gonna start unwrapping.

sewage

Father Dives into 10 Feet of Sewage to Rescue Five-Year-Old Son

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"
- Luke 11:13

I read this article this morning and did a double-take. It's kind of a funny headline for the national news, especially because it's good news. Take this in contrast to yesterday, when I read a story about how a grandmother killed her 2-year-old granddaughter by throwing her off a sixth-floor ledge in a mall.

I spent a lot of the weekend just chilling on my couch or hanging out with my roommates. We were watching Up, and I kept joking about how every Pixar movie is awesome because they all have a piece of the gospel. Though I jest, it's really true, and this article has a piece of it, too.

God dived into absolute sewage to rescue us. Pure, white, holy robes spoiled by our trash and the worst of us. But He didn't flinch; He is a determined father.