random question

If you don't believe in objective morality, how are you allowed to ask the question:

"If God is good, why does He allow pain and suffering?"

And if you do believe in objective morality, why do you define good the way you do? Who said you deserve anything?

Grace is so free, yet we are so undeserving, so questioning, so bitter... If we stop and look back, we might find who carried us here.

P.S. Whenever I write really apologeticky and theological things on this blog, it's probably because I have some sort of doubt and have to convince myself again of what I believe in. It's honestly quite stupid. I'm scared that I don't believe and would lose my faith for some reason. But it's not like God will let me go and let me fall to my worldly demise.

clearing up the glass

I used to love eating Pringles while whacking away at monsters on my computer. Something just feels right about the combination of potato chips, a lemon-lime Gatorade and video games. My parents always used to yell at me to wipe my fingers off before touching the computer, but I never listened. They also told me to stop playing video games and get off the computer, but I didn't listen to that either. Oh, and one more thing: I'd pick up my glasses and smudge the lenses with my fingers, and then my dad would yell and tell me to take better care of them.

At other times, I'd be sitting in the passenger's seat of our Hyundai Avante on my way home from school. It was normally an hour or an hour and 30 minute drive, so I'd usually fall asleep. I'd put my feet up onto the dashboard, and as I got taller, my legs' reach grew further and further until eventually I left footprints on the inside of the windshield. My mom wasn't happy.

Through these and many, many, many more experiences, I realize that I have a knack for dirtying things up.

And my windshield is indeed dirty. Everything's all fogged up.. whether with the thoughts I have, the pride I carry... and it just seems all too obvious why I am inward-focused. There's nothing I can see outside of myself.

There are often times when I long to broaden my horizons, want to look beyond my own myopic worldview. But it's tough. And when I put my hands up and slide them along the glass, all I get is smudged glass with fingerprints all over it. I try again and again, and for a moment, things seem clearer.. at least before I succeed in obscuring the view more than before.

Slowly, though, God's been defogging the window. And yes, God is doing it, not me. What a surprise.

I thought the best way to get to God was to try hard, to think, to delve deeper, to be disciplined, to serve.. and all these things. The answer was more simple than I ever could have known. Let go, don't touch the glass.

And the knowledge of knowing God is much more romantic than it is scientific:

"I do not think that Jesus 'knew he was God' in the same sense that one knows one is hungry or thirsty, tall or short. It was not a mathematical knowledge, like knowing that two and two make four; nor was it straightforwardly observational knowledge, like knowing that there is a bird on the fence outside my room because I can see and hear it. It was more like the knowledge that I have that I am loved by my family and closest friends; like the knowledge that I have that the sunrise over the sea is awesome and beautiful; like the knowledge of the musician not only of what the composer intended but of how to perform the piece in exactly that way - a knowledge most surely possessed, of course, when the performer is also the composer..."
- N.T. Wright, "The Challenge of Jesus"

I got so far not because I tried so hard, but because God had it in his plan for me to get this far. And His grace is going to lead me all the way if He will, and if not, then that isn't my prerogative. I was recently touched by this quote:

"Let us not say that grace creates debts; let us say that grace pays debts."
- John Piper

The debt has already been paid.. why do I try so hard to pay God back for everything? It's a gift.

And as I am still a sinner, still self-conscious, still proud, still unloving, I realize it's okay. Not because it's "okay" in the objective sense, but I'm covered because Jesus bore the consequences, and God is surely changing me day by day. The fog might not disappear in an instant, but as it gradually fades, I can see more and more of the open road ahead - and the light begins to dawn.

"...whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
- John 3:21 (NIV)

I don't know

I am a very proud human being. I do everything to feed my ego.. and until I can let go and give God the credit, I'm lost. I don't know how to serve God with a pure heart.

I can't wrap my mind around God's love for me and for other people. Why is it that I wake up every morning trying to serve God when I can't even understand the reason for the hope I have? And, what, please tell me, is the hope I have, anyway? I don't know.

I'm not actually as cynical as I sound in this post, but I hate being lost without words, without an answer. I begrudge (is that a word? probably wrong context) the words "I don't know."

I'm declaring it now:

I DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING PUT TOGETHER.

----

5 minutes after writing that post above, I ran across this post:
http://razorclown.blogspot.com/2010/01/in-all-its-truth.html

And it reminded me that I live in God's kingdom, and I am not a citizen of this world.

I just remembered asking myself that question last night before going to bed.. What is the reason for the hope that I have? And the answer that I came up with last night was that perhaps one good reason (but not the only one) is that Jesus freed me from the chains of the sin and guilt and the idols and all the things that don't deserve my worship. Is freedom enough of a reason?

I don't think so. I'm making it about what God offers rather than about knowing God in a relationship. I feel like the story of the prodigal son makes some sense of it, but I can't put my finger on it. I guess I can't really fathom a relationship that's so powerful that it overtakes everything. I'm very calloused; my heart needs softening.

purpose

What am I living for? A relationship, or obedience? Or both?

I want a clear-cut single answer to the question, but perhaps solutions come in pairs. A relationship is going to have to entail obedience, and an obedience needs to entail a relationship - lest it be meaningless.

I want no longer to be wrapped up in my own thoughts, in my love for myself, but to be uncomfortable for the sake of the gospel, because Jesus did the same for me first. I was never innocent in God's eyes, I was never a goody-two-shoes from His perspective. I can only speak with confidence and pray without qualms because of God's mercy in Jesus Christ.

I'm always lost in excuses. Where I am now is the product of an excuse I made in 9th grade - "God, I'll serve you in college." Four years later, and God kept me to my word. He allowed me to overcome some of the things that I was enslaved to.

If only He would overcome my reluctance to surrender my entire life to Him. God, I'll give you my life, sometime.

trust issues

I've recently been challenged by a friend to "expand my horizons." And it got me thinking - what if I did let go of all I've ever known and clung onto to delve into something else?

It's that time of year again. Doubts and questions. Is my faith right? Am I right? Am I doing the right thing? And in the midst of it all I realize that to be brutally honest that if you stripped me of my faith and my community at church that I wouldn't be left with much at all. (Perhaps that's a good thing - thank God for safetynets). At Michigan, I see a bunch of different people believing 10 different things and wonder why they're all so stubborn. And why I am, too.

I'm sometimes afraid, or most of the time terrified, of reading up on other faiths. It's a trust issue. I don't think that God would hold on to me if I went on exploring and immersing myself in other things. Or rather, I have this distinct fear that if I go outside the safe walls that enclose me, I'll have to abandon all I've ever known because I was wrong all along. Should I seek truth or comfort?

I don't know where to turn sometimes. It's frequently hard to have faith.

It's funny because this morning, it just suddenly hit me how much I pray with expectancy - too much expectancy - because I feel like I've been an obedient enough Christian to deserve more responsibility and more growth and more change. But maybe God's turning me around and telling me to take it slow... because I realized that for all my prayers, I forgot that all of it is just a product of God's mercy. Without Christ, I would and could be nothing relevant in God's eyes - how could I stand before Him? My wickedness or innocence, whatever I may call it, is going to condemn me because I cannot stand before a perfect God. Righteous men do not always meet a blessed end, and wicked men are not always given their due (Job 9). Poetic justice never happens.

And because poetic justice never happens, it goes to show that God is loving. He loves the adulterers, criminals, prostitutes, politicians, hippies, homosexuals, frat boys, students, lawyers, losers, winners... all these people. He loves me enough to allow me grace no matter what I do, whatever I've done. It's up to me to entrust everything to Him.

journey

Around this time a year ago, I was completely preoccupied with my own worries and troubles. I had doubts as to whether God was really sovereign and that He would take care of me... As if I had survived all these years on my own. No, I am not in control. Step back and put things in perspective.

I discovered what burnout was for the first time, finding that all the while that church was nothing more than a building to me. I needed to understand that church is not meant to be bland, it is meant to be the place where we experience God and His community. Take one step back first.

Today, I'm having to learn once again that though I've been so focused on serving and being obedient, I forgot that wihout love I am nothing, without love I gain nothing (1 Corinthians 13). I'm useless if I don't learn how to love before I act. Take one step back first.

Then, two steps forward.