God

I don't need a god that is only a judge
A god that knows how to condemn but not to love

I don't need a god that is only a creator
Who knows to make me but not to care for me

I don't need a god that is only all-knowing
Who can see the future but not make me whole

I don't need a god that is only righteous
Who is perfect but not there with me

I need a God who is compassionate
Who would step in my shoes to know what it feels like

I need a God with open arms
Who is ready to receive me when I want to go home

I need a God to carry me
To fill my heart with His love

I need a God to soothe me
To rid me of all my doubts

I need a God who loves me enough
To be with me, now and forever.

new day

Funny things happened today - I woke up, coughed up some blood mixed with mucus (weird...) then later in the day I got a nosebleed (first time in my life), then my ear got clogged up with water for like 5 hours... Strange, strange, strange..

Better even, I did absolutely nothing productive today. 90% of the day was spent lounging around, eating at a barbecue, or laughing. Stranger even...

And in the midst of this, I didn't hyperventilate about not spending prayer time or reading the Word (at least until around now, but I didn't freak out about it)... Strange!

I excessively worry about what my life should look like.

I know the answer is not to be a good Christian, the answer is to be a Christ-follower. There are so many things in my life that I take as competition - church, being moral, sports, academics, being cool, having lots of friends... Pride feeding.

I need some reflection time. To know what to do, and to know how to do it. I know what I need to give up, though. That pride that festers within me and tells me to do something, or to rather, glance at the closest competitor (because it's never those who are far below or far above that I compete against, but my peers) and compare how well I do something. That is what must be disciplined.

I wrote a testimony for my baptism last semester. I had things written down, but to tell the truth I didn't understand half of what I was saying, and I don't think I fully believed what I wrote. I want to take the time to write something more genuine, something more true.

I wanted my testimony to be something powerful: an alcoholic gone sober, a punk turned holy, or the story of a person whose life was dedicated wholly to Christ. And so I thought nothing about my real life, the life that had none of these dramatic transitions. I thought that my life was boring enough that it wouldn't matter what I said, that it really wasn't traumatic enough to merit being spoken.

My life, however, only seemed boring because I left all the vulnerable and genuine parts out. The parts about my overwhelming "religiosity" and my perfectionist tendencies. I left out the part about why I started going to church (which, for some reason, I still don't understand). I left out the part about hiding from Jesus, about not being able to tell him how I feel, and instead trying to find out what magic phrase I could pray today to get him to make me feel refreshed, to take the frustration within my heart away. To take the doubts away.

I can't pray genuinely to God until I'm honest with Him. I don't know my own heart, but he does. Yet why do I hide in the bushes from Him?

"He answered, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.'"
- Genesis 3:10

I think I'm going to rewrite my testimony, around this verse. This is the real me.

engineers

So recently I've been reacquainted with the Lion King soundtrack (after watching the musical)... and some childhood memories come back.

Like when I used to listen to the Lion King soundtrack on the stereo at home over and over when I was 7, singing along to Hakuna Matata and I Just Can't Wait to Be King (my favorite songs). The blue booklet that came with the CD had all the lyrics, and I would sing and sing and sing.. and entertain myself. The lyrics book would look like:

No one saying do this
No one saying be there
No one saying stop that
No one saying see here

Free to run around all day
Free to do it all my way...

Blah, blah, blah... I don't remember the rest of the lyrics... But I remember the lyrics booklet had "Repeat x2" written after some lines, and I distinctly recall that I very systematically hit the "Repeat" button on the stereo (which actually just determines whether you repeat the songs after they're over or not) whenever the song got to that part, because unfortunately I was an engineer even back then. Everything reads like an instruction manual. Yeah, I thought I was doing something special.

And don't even get me started on how much I panicked when "Repeat Chorus" came up in the lyrics booklet. Sadly, I discovered there is no "Chorus" button on a home stereo.

secrets

There are places that are right under your nose, and yet you never notice them, you never explore far enough to see them. I discovered the 4th floor of Angell today, just like I discovered the 7th floor of Haven Hall during Valentine's Day weekend... (what a surprise that was). It's funny how I'm always in Angell but I never took the time to look around, and it's even funnier how I probably know more about faraway places than I do the places that are near me.

Which is why it seems to me that I think I know how to analyze others better than I do myself.

No, let's make that clearer. I LIKE to analyze others better than I do myself. I find it harder to be honest with even God and myself as to what my problems are compared to someone else's. Pride is like this shroud that covers everything about me, especially to myself. Accountability, rebukes, and reflection are like bullets that pierce the mist of my own unknowingness to attack my pride. They're out to get me!

honest

Let's be honest.

maroon and orange

Tomorrow is April 16, 2009.

Already two years since April 16, 2007.

"We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly;
We are brave enough to bend and cry
And sad enough to know we must laugh again.
We are Virginia Tech."
- Nikki Giovanni

emo

I'm emo all the time - especially in light of all the things that are going on around me, sometimes life seems purposeless, the work that I do in school notwithstanding, and a lot of times even the small little pieces of service that I do in church seem pointless. I think what's most real to me is the transience of our world - how everything comes and goes so fast.. I feel like I'm already in my mid-life crisis.

Reading Ecclesiastes 1-2 made me become a fan of Solomon. He's emo, too! He says a lot of things I think about, about how toil is meaningless, wisdom is meaningless, pleasure is meaningless. What then is meaningful?

sweaty and dizzy

Woke up this morning at 9 AM, passed out directly after that because my head hurt so much I couldn't stay awake. Set my alarm for 11:30, heard it, turned it off, then forgot why I set it to 11:30 in the first place (class registration). Woke up at noon, reached over the bedpost to turn on my computer, hit Register and went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:00 PM, so sweaty that my sheets were soaked, had such a headache but really had to use the bathroom so ... walked to the men's room, then had something to eat at the dining hall, met Ben on the way back up to my room, watched him eat a sandwich at Blue Apple, came back up to my room, sitting here now....

Other than having a horrific day (I'd say #2 worst day ever since coming to college), I remember how blessed I felt at Easter Sunday yesterday. To know that 60 (!!) newcomers came to second service, and a few of those people were people I knew but would never have guessed would have come out (like my ENGR 100 groupmates), and hopefully this will offer more opportunities for me to share the Gospel. In a way, I don't mind too much that I skipped all my classes and every single meeting I had today because I was dizzy, because I feel blessed anyway.

One thought I had during service yesterday was when this quote by Philip Yancey was mentioned:

"God weeps with us, that we might one day laugh with Him."

He cared for us so much that He came off of His mighty throne and became nothing, became sin for us. Something akin to me giving up my college education, my life as I know it and risking everything to go off to Africa to join a savage tribe - just so that the people there would be able to hear the message of a loving God. Unfathomable, but that, and so much more, is what Christ has done for us.

Christ

"'I tell you the truth,' Jesus answered, 'before Abraham was born, I am.'"
- John 8:58

He said, "I am," not "I was," or "I will be."

:)

"Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me"

- "Mountain of God," Third Day

Blessings come on a daily basis.

forgiving

Following a Bible reading plan, if even for like 3 days, has definitely been really rewarding with a thousand different lessons.

I was thinking how much of a dangerous weapon forgiveness is. No enemy can stand up against forgiveness - because though anger and revenge can fight against each other, no fury can face forgiveness and still stand - it has nothing to feed on. Wars may be fought when both sides are participating, but when one side nobly forgives the other and refuses to fight, there is no longer any war to be fought, only reconciliation to be made. That's why forgiveness is dangerous - because though it may take some courage and some divine inspiration to commit to, it has the power to destroy any enemy's hate and weapons of war.

Reading Leviticus 10, there is a short story about how two of Aaron's sons disobeyed God and offered something that the Lord did not command. They were destroyed by fire. I think I often forget this side of God, because I just like to read the New Testament whenever I have time, but never really wanted to read the Old Testament because of its reputation for being dry. But reading this story has told me about how I need to remember that God is a just God, and He has wrath. It seems to me like a story of how man and God are at war: the unjust against the righteous.

Another testament to God's justice is in Psalms 10. Though it talks about how the wicked's "ways are always prosperous," (v.5) it also details a cry out to God for Him to defend "the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more" (v.18). Again, it is about a war between God and the wicked man, of how men have taken over the earth with their sinful nature and have begun to terrorize one another... where does God's justice come into play?

So after all this, who is wicked and who is not? It's not up to us to judge. To me, the most righteous of men can sometimes be seen as wicked, because my eyes are so skewed and I am such a partial judge. Thankfully though, for everyone out there:

"Because the judge of you is someone I could never be,
Is why you should thank the Lord that it is Him and it’s not me.
Don’t give up; it’s not the end.
There’s hope for every fallen man,
To pick themselves up when they think they can
Because with every passing second comes a second chance."
- "Fallen Man," Relient K

He judges, yet he forgives. God won the war against man. He was first to forgive. There is no longer any more sticks and stones, no bullets, no missiles that we can fire at God. There is no longer any war to be fought, only reconciliation to be made. Second chances, that's what our life is all about.

transformation

The question I heard at Sunday sermon yesterday was: "How has Christ transformed your life?"

For fear of worry, I started sifting through my pre-written textbook answers... "joy," "passion," "purpose." Those are the things I desperately wanted to say.

But when people sing songs like "The Change Inside of Me" (MercyMe) and "Meant to Live" (Switchfoot), they sing thinking that something really has changed, that there is a purpose, there is a joy, there is a passion for Christ. But I don't know if that necessarily describes my life too well. I don't know if those are what have been created within me.

So.. how has Christ transformed my life?

I've learned that serving, going to church, being punctual, looking righteous, being obedient are all things that are good and well. But "there is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord" (Proverbs 21:30). And alas, my crafty plan to get into heaven failed. If God is indeed God, he has seen what is in my heart (I haven't even been able to see what's in there), and He knows what I live for. I can't hide anything. None of the things that I listed above can bring faith or love, although they may be byproducts. And as I continued to do these things, I found that after a little while, people stopped exalting me for doing them, and started expecting of me. Expecting more than I wanted to do, to be precise.

Consequently, there is only temporary happiness in doing good things to build up my reputation. When people stop praising me and start asking me to do other things, I can easily get burned out by overwhelming responsibilities. That's when I realize I am human, and that I can do all I can to find success, and it will indeed bring me things, but I will always ask myself why I'm living.

"We were meant to live for so much more." It makes a bit more sense now.

I doubt, I want to question, I want to say that Christianity and Jesus and God and everything is just a figment of my imagination because I made it up to soothe my inadequate animalistic self that is lost in the world because I can't survive in a socially Darwinistic world. But I find that there is no reason in such a world for me to somehow wander my way back to church in senior year, there is no reason for my sister to have been such a faithful Christian, there is no reason for my life to have been so strangely near to God in every place I've been. There is a reason they say the Bible is the word of God - because although so many have questioned its historical authority and authenticity, none have yet questioned its principles (in a sensible way, at least) of God's grace, love, and the true meaning behind Christ's death and resurrection.

And this is true. None can question the strength of God, who gave me the grace, the love, that makes me realize that nothing I do will ever bring me closer to finding purpose. On the contrary, I will begin to realize that I need not do any act. Because although I've learned before that nothing I can do can make God love me less or more, the truth of the matter is that things needed to be done. Some atonement needed to be made. And everything that needed to be done has already been done. Christ is risen.

I've heard this so many different times in my life, but it hits me anew, especially after last week's ACCESS:

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot

No matter how hard I claw and struggle to keep my world intact, I can't keep it. But on the other hand, I can never lose the love of my Father, nor can I lose the eternal life that comes with it. I forget these things constantly.

things to say

My faith is weak, it's insecure. I want to be the child, led by his Father's hand to places unknown, through the storms and through the flames... to go wherever.

Work is overwhelming. I see how hard it's going to be to finish this semester strong. I'm not talking academically... I know exactly how to get to a 4.0. I honestly don't feel like I care about that too much though...

Life is overwhelming. Why is it that I take praying and reading the Word as an obligation sometimes? I don't want to read the Word like a history textbook anymore, but as His Word.

Run to me, God. I need to feel your embrace.

time crawls

Recently, time's slowed to a crawl for me. If I think back to the beginning of first semester, it seems like it went by so much faster (and thus it was that much more enjoyable), but now I feel like I've lost the motivation to live joyfully; I have nothing to look forward to in a week. Everything's become bland, so to say. I want refreshment. Life's tough - a reminder that life is a roller coaster, but faith shouldn't be.

I look to this morning and I know I felt lost, just really dismayed at how I had so many things to do, but none of them had any taste in them - they were all going to end up with me "going through the motions." In some ways, that's a good thing, because even the things that used to give me happiness, such as outperforming others and doing well in school really has no more taste for me (at least, I feel that way)... but then again neither does the prospect of going to Sunday Celebration or ACCESS, which used to hold so much joy for me last semester (though I'm not too sure now about the reason behind that joy...). Maybe it's because there's no longer the prospect of any new people to meet, maybe because I feel the pump-up worship music has grown old. I want to celebrate again.

Joy overflows from God's love. For some reason, I feel particularly unloved lately. I haven't experienced God's presence in my life for a while - tough times come about, and people remind me that life isn't just a stroll through the park. I signed up to follow Christ to good and bad times alike, for eternity.

Lent hasn't been tough for me because of what I said I would give up, because although I've pretty much failed at that often, but it's been tough because maybe I'm experiencing just a taste of the suffering Christ went through before His death:

"And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground."
- Luke 22:46