struggles

Q: Looking back on this past semester, what was the hardest struggle, and what did you learn about God and yourself?

Compared with the semester before this last one, it was relatively a breeze. I came off of a spiritual high off the summer - fiery and prepared to serve. I put a Post-It note on my corkboard in front of my desk - nothing but a picture of a steaming cup of coffee and the words "Make the best cup of coffee. It's okay if it's bitter."

That was my motto at the beginning of the semester, at least - to be obedient and to do my best to serve the God who's given me life. And it worked out okay - but somewhere along the way, self-absorption took over and life became a bunch of to-do's. Including people. That was definitely a low...

When retreat came around, I was basically operating on a routine - and God revealed that that wasn't the life He wanted for me. The lesson learned? "I cannot save myself."

No amount of punctuality, diligence, obedience, or integrity could make me into someone that God loved more. Nothing I could do could bring me salvation. I was trying too hard to be pleasing to God, so much so that I forgot the reason I could approach Him in the first place was not me, but Christ.

 And so I came out of the retreat, feeling like I learned something, but feeling really low again because I could still only think about how incapable I was of saving myself, and so I was thinking about myself again. Self-absorption galore. Then I adopted the philosophy that it's good to know that God loves me, no matter how wretched I am. And this is the truth, God will love me because of Christ's righteousness, not because of my own. God loves me.

The majority of the remainder of the semester was spent by my being aware of what needed to happen. I needed to reach out to people, build relationships, pray for people, be diligent about the ministry God has given me, but I did none of it. I was painfully aware of my own laziness and disobedience, and it was a day to day routine of "crap, I fail again..." and then the next morning, "I really gotta forget and not slow down." (And on a side note, I was listening to the new Relient K album "Forget and Not Slow Down" every morning).

I wanted a burden in my heart, and up till the past couple of weeks, I had none. Now I feel like God is placing a burden on me to love people again - but I just really want to understand the necessity of Christ's love for me once again.

At this exact moment, I'm feeling spiritual battle. And I'm glad in one part - because it means I'm going somewhere. The semester was spent running in place, in apathy and complacency, and now as it draws to a close and I'm heading to St. Louis for Urbana '09 soon, I'm more awake. I've started having more doubts, more questions, and more difficulty living out day-to-day life. What a blessing in disguise. I just need more of Jesus.

how valiant

"David longed for water and said, 'Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!' So the Three broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. 'God forbid that I should do this!' he said. 'Should I drink the blood of these men who went at the risk of their lives?' Because they risked their lives to bring it back, David would not drink it. Such were the exploits of the three mighty men."
- 1 Chronicles 11:17-19

Sounds like something straight out of the Lord of the Rings. It's inspiring to see dedication. As for this, some (many) might call it foolishness, and I kinda do too, but it's also loyalty at its finest. It touches my heart, especially after hearing the story of a guide dog (supposedly man's best friend) who led his master out into the middle of speeding traffic (Note: man wasn't hurt). Dogs aren't as trustworthy as loyal subjects are.

I so often worry about the practicality of a situation - and then I make up God's will for my life - God probably wouldn't want me to take a risk here, or there... Thoughts roll through my head, and none of them draw me any closer to knowing God, but simply to the point where I am leading my own life with my own patron saint of sorts. Today's theme: be a loyal servant. To the point of absurdity.

P.S. 1 Chronicles reads like the credits at the end of a movie that's showed on TV. There's a bunch of names that need to be recorded, but no one actually reads them. (At least, I don't).

morning calm

In the craziness of Finals Week. Procrastination sucks, and it's like this disease that eats you from the inside out, like atopic dermatitis (which doesn't actually eat you from the inside out, but makes your skin really flaky).

Yes, and indeed, in this hectic week, I have found time to play video games, hang out with people, "study", and a bunch of other things that you wouldn't even expect. It's quite bizarre, indeed. And today is Friday, which is supposed to be the "relax" day of the week, but somehow it ended up becoming the "let's crackdown day" for me.

And so I woke up early (pre-sunrise) today, and it's really nice. Not only did I get to enjoy a fully nutritional breakfast, I get the time to just sit and listen to music in my otherwise-silent apartment where 5 roommates (maybe 4, I never know where one of them is...) are quietly off in dreamland.

The things I'm facing these days are bitter battles over my own soul - unapparent from the outside, but the enemy attacks in deception.. and all the while I'm feeling fine, my heart is being clawed at. If it is seized, I can only express one emotion: apathy. And I know that being unable to feel is the most dangerous of feelings; the most suffering that I could experience.

To spur me on for the day, I'm reminding myself now (although I'll probably forget in the next couple hours), that today might be my last chance to show Him I love Him (shamelessly derived from: "this might be my last chance to tell him that You love him"). No second, no minute, no hour can be taken for granted.

love forever

Today's the last day of class. Hallelujah.

On the bus ride back from North Campus, I put my iPod on shuffle and got the most bizarre progression of songs: 3 different versions of "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever," which is.. ridiculous, considering the fact that I have 3500+ songs. I guess it's just a reminder to proclaim His love forever in my life.

What does it mean to "love forever," anyway?

I'm looking at the ways I find it hard to love other people - it's when they're two different people in two different places, when I can't be patient enough for God to bring their lives to fruition, when it feels like "it's hopeless" and there's nothing that can be done for them... and if God felt the same way about me, umm...

under the covers

I have absolutely nothing to write about right now. But at the expense of me writing something completely meaningless, I might as well just describe what's going on - I feel like there's a piece of me that's missing but I don't know what. And for me, growing is like this painful process of putting on cold jeans in the morning in wintry weather: either I decide to endure the pain and put them on because they're going to keep me warm, or I stay in bed all morning and not even bother trying.

Man, I wish there was like.. someone forcing me to do stuff, to follow hard after God, to serve Him, to pray. I guess I realize that's what I'm kinda missing at the moment. I want to follow, I just don't have the energy or the motivation to start. I'm still hiding under the covers.

working on it

Apart from the fact that I just need to know that I will fail, and that I need to be willing to accept grace, and apart from the fact that I need to trust that with God all things are possible (and subsequently that what I do really is never going to be effective without God)...

I like this segment:

"...show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned..."
-Titus 2:7-8

I hope I have integrity, and I think it's something I'm working on, but I'm learning how to be more of the same person wherever I go, whoever I'm with.

I definitely need to work on the seriousness part, because I feel like I miss out on so many good conversations because I'm busy being sarcastic or flitting between various irrelevant subjects. If only...

I want to be sound in speech. I give a lot of BS because I just keep on talking. I think if I closed my mouth more and became a silent learner, it would be far better..

audacity

The people I look up to are a different breed.

I was sitting through elections at a student organization today, and while everyone was talking about "I can do this," "He is a good candidate," "She can do this," I was staring at the ceiling blankly - wondering when the meeting would come to an end and whether or not the Wisconsin Mac & Cheese would digest before 9 PM. It's not just because I have a complete disdain for positions in general; I hate it when people are obligated to brag about themselves. I really don't blame them personally; that's what they're supposed to do.

I'm beginning to see that the more you need to say to prove yourself, the less qualified you are in the first place. Those who are able to do things without words, who are able to show themselves worthy without having to speak even a word... maybe they'll be overlooked in 99 different elections, but their contributions are pure gold.

The people I look up to don't need fancy election slogans or prestigious positions... they just have the audacity to live life the way they are convicted to. (That's not to say that I don't look up to people who do hold positions. Because it's really what you do, not what your title is that matters.)

P.S. This really reminds me of:

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."
- Matthew 5:37