puppeteer

I am the one who is blessed when I am obedient.

Maybe at one point it hit me today, but prayers and missions shouldn't be a chore. I mean I just got to have the most awesome conversation with a friend about God, and I really wouldn't have had it any other way. To think I was hesitant to share the Gospel with him because I was lazy... that's just a lack of perspective on my part.

And I used to think that if I do this for God, then God will give me what I want. Like rest, like a lazy day, like good grades, joy, less struggles, blessings... whatever. But I realize I really don't believe in the prosperity gospel. I do things for God, but that don't make Him love me more. It just helps me to realize why I'm grateful everyday that God gives me life and a purpose, and because of it I'm able to talk to people and be blessed in the way that I can minister to them. The act itself is a blessing. Obedience is a blessing. No strings attached.

(Except for the fact that God is a master puppeteer and I am a good-for-nothing Pinocchio who has an exceptionally long nose and perhaps will never become a real boy. But you know what? I'm okay with that. Dancing along to the strings is so much more worthwhile and purposeful then trying to beat out the world on my own and somehow be someone I'm not meant to be.)

fearless

My ECON GSI is kind of bitter at the world. Very cynical.

Today he walked into class and had to erase the chalkboard because someone had drawn a dinosaur on the board and tagged it with the word "DoRAK." He wasn't too happy.

"I'm assuming DoRAK is a guy, because it doesn't sound like a girl. Whoever this DoRAK is, someone needs to give them a kick in the *****."

Sad. I see the irony in the fact that DoRAK stands for "Do Random Acts of Kindness" and they were drawing pictures and writing encouraging messages in classrooms. And although I'm not part of the organization and never plan to be, just reminds me how often when we look at things from the wrong perspective, they give off the wrong impression. A dinosaur can be an annoyance to an ECON GSI, but an encouragement to someone who's studying and slightly depressed at the monotonicity of the world.

Like when you look at God from the wrong perspective, He's an annoyance. Always wants you to go somewhere, be someone, trust something, love people, change the world... whatever. But when you know what's up, you find out all He wants to do is love you.

I've had so much trouble this past year and a half struggling with reaching out to people. Everything that's laid on my heart seems like a chore. I think I'm slowly learning why it's a problem.... inviting them out to LIFE group or church or sharing the Gospel with them was all about the results and about the time I would waste when I failed.

Outside the Michigan League's back entrance, someone permanently stenciled in LOVE > FEAR in white on the bricks. And though I'm sure it was some liberal hippie that did it, it is true.

"...perfect love drives out fear..."
- 1 John 4:18

P.S. I just went on biblegateway.com to find the reference to that verse, and one of the editor's book picks on the front page was "Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear" by Max Lucado. Maybe I should check it out sometime?

hypocrisy

I often call myself a bad witness of Jesus Christ, but to say otherwise would be foolishness. I know I'm not expected to be perfect, but sometimes I do... but me being a good person does not guide anyone to Christ - rather it is my insufficiencies and my vulnerabilities that will allow people to see why I need Christ, that will allow them to see how God's grace is so necessary in my life.

And I should never present myself otherwise, or I would be a hypocrite, an actor.

fail fail fail

It's stupid but after I pray for something, I don't follow through with what I get.

I ask God for anointing for ministry, and He gave it to me. He gave me an opportunity, reassured me, yet I was still unwilling to take the step of faith to do it.

I told myself to take risks and fail but now I end up not taking risks and failing. And it feels oh so much worse because there is nothing to appease my conscience with.

The problem was never that Jesus loved me, the problem was that I love Jesus back, by obeying his commands. I'm an idiot.

P.S. I wonder, really what is the point in praying if I don't live out what I pray?

P.P.S. I just realized. I prayed that I would take risks so that I could fail and understand even how Christ's grace covers over me. But if I came to the point where I was willing to take risks, I would probably have gotten all self-righteous and really, I would've gone farther from following Christ and his love. My complete and utter failure (of not even trying) shows me that I am a sinner in need of grace. God does answer prayers, huh? (Just not in the way that I want...)

volition

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
- Luke 22:42

My heart trembles when I think of letting God's will rather than mine be done in my life. All I care about is doing things for myself. If serving God means putting myself out there and facing rejection and failure, I'm reluctant. The answer seems so simple. Let His will be done.. But it's hard to let go.

I will so willingly join a student organization for myself - if it means my resume looks better. But if it is for God and it means it's an opportunity to make meaningful relationships, as God is showing me, my heart balks at the thought and a heavy burden sets in. I ask for burdens when I don't have them, but when I get them, I'd much rather be comfortable.

It's so hard to say: not my will, but Yours be done.

numbers

"Joab son of Zeruiah began to count the men but did not finish. Wrath came on Israel on account of this numbering, and the number was not entered in the book of the annals of King David."
- 1 Chronicles 27:24

My measure of "doing well" is often in the numbers - in the numbers of people coming to know God, in my grade point average, in the amount of time invested in something.

But when I am one man strong, having no imprint of success on the earth, yet I know I am prospering in God's kingdom, it is so much more worth it. It's more worth it to be with God and to be a failure in numbers than it is to have numbers with God confronting me rather than supporting me.

This verse is one of many that talk about censuses and counting men - as if to reaffirm the strength of the army. In a modern-day perspective, it's not all that important how many Christians are in the world or in our churches. Our strength is not flexed in manpower - our strength is not even found in man.

seeds and clothing

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another..."
 - 1 Peter 5:5b

I always know how to clothe myself with modesty, not humility. Modesty's just a transparent veil that I put over the pride I have. Humility, on the other hand, is complete and utter dependence - the opposite of self-sufficiency.

I want to wear the coat of humility, so that when I serve, I serve willingly knowing my strength is not my own.

I've been walking around looking forward to this semester in a lot of different ways. I feel like I'm going to be academically challenged for the first time since stepping on campus, and that's going to take a toll. I want to know that I am young in heart, mind, and stature. I have a lot of growing to do. I am going to have to fight to be willing to learn, to be willing to expend my energy on more than myself.

I want to be a servant evangelist. To share the good news, not as my own agenda, but all for love. Evangelism is stressful when it is my duty. Thankfully, it's not:

"Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how."
- Mark 4:27

I don't know how people come to know Jesus. I don't know what I'm supposed to do half the time. But however much I stomp on the ground or mess with the seed, that will not make it sprout.

risk

The greatest things in life involve risk, toil, and suffering. Donald Miller writes in his book (quoting someone else) A Million Miles in a Thousand Years:

"I read a book a couple of years ago by Steven Pressfield called The War of Art. The book is about writing, about the process of getting words onto an empty page. Pressfield said a writer has to sit down every day and write, regardless of how he feels. He said you can sit around and wait for inspiration to come, but you'll never finish your book that way. 'The muse honors the working stiff,' Pressfield says. He also says that every creative person, and I think probably every other person, faces resistance when trying to create something good. He even says resistance, a kind of feeling that comes against you when you point toward a distant horizon, is a sure sign that you are supposed to do the thing in the first place. The harder the resistance, the more important the task must be, Pressfield believes."

And I don't think this refers only to writing.

At Urbana, Patrick Fung, director of OMF, spoke about the people who are changing the world. Google, Apple, and Microsoft were not mentioned. The nameless are the ones who are going to change the 21st century.

We are to live to be forgotten. If we are to live for God, then we are to take risks. Risks show our faith - we believe God will provide, because God is Jehovah-Jireh.

I want to follow the still, small voice of the Spirit, to pray bold intercessory prayers, to discover more of Jesus - not theology, not Christianity, but Jesus.

love

Someone asked me yesterday, "What prayers has God answered for you recently?"

I honestly couldn't remember what prayers I had. That's probably not a good thing. But whether this was a prayer or not, God answered it (from my last post):

"I just really want to understand the necessity of Christ's love for me once again."

Okay, so the question is, what does Christ's love mean for me?

(And here, I'm going to try to answer this without using any Christianese. I realize I don't understand half the cliches that I spit out there sometimes. At Urbana, one of my seminars spoke of how we can't relate to non-Christians because we can't explain anything without using words like "sanctification," "the blood of the Lamb," etc... And this is probably true of me. So here goes...)

I am, by nature, a coward. And the thing that I am most scared of is that people will find out that I am a coward.

Someone said this past week that he was Chinese-American, and of all the wonderful things that his parents passed down to him as a legacy, one was the curse of having to always look successful. I am no Chinese-American, but I am Asian nevertheless, and I identified with him.

For me, life has always been a list of to-dos. Snag that 4.0, learn that new trick, be a better athlete, learn to play the guitar... Whatever it is, I had to be better at it. The end-product is a Chris that is the jack-of-all-trades but master of none. And when college came around and I started going to church, I tacked another  task at the end: follow God.

A lot of people told me that I needed to learn to love Jesus first and foremost, but I, the zealous Mr. Do-It-All, couldn't stand to wait for that. So I put Jesus aside and then thought about all the ways I could do churchy stuff. And that went on for a long while.

And I found myself in a rut. You know how they talk about people who talk the talk and don't walk the walk? I was becoming one of them. And I came to a point where I just didn't care anymore. I was so lazy I knew I should be sharing the story of Jesus with other people, but I didn't want to. I was scared, and I would much rather look successful in front of people.

I would rather win an argument with an atheist than love him. I would rather look cool with my group of church friends than take the energy to spend time with someone who had no friends. I would rather gloat inwardly about my better grades than spend the time to help others with their work, especially when they needed my help. I am selfish at heart. And in all this I found that I cannot let down my guard. I'm afraid that someone will see me for the way I am.

And this is exactly what Jesus means to me. Jesus is someone who can stare straight into my weaknesses, my fears, and my failures... and while I am petrified of throwing off all of this "looking successful," because it gives me security, I find that the only way I will be free from it is if I learn to fail. I am afraid to share my faith with other people because other peoples' hearts I have no control over. And no control means I can fail. No control also means I can be free of the burden of always having to do well. No control means Jesus can take over and take up my failures.

Growing up, the things that I did wrong were the things that no one else knew about. I've never done anything that anyone in this world would call "terrible," instead, I was the goody-two-shoes. The perfect little demon living like an angel. I never told anyone about the things I did wrong. And I continue to live life that way. I never tell people about the thoughts I have, the things that I am addicted to, the things that I struggle with, the things that make me feel like I am somehow better than others...

"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him."
- John 3:36

I spent the longest time trying to convince myself and others that God's wrath doesn't "remain" on me. That is the initial state. God's wrath was on me. It doesn't say: "And because so-and-so did such-and-such, God's wrath fell on him." The Bible assumes that my head is set on a chopping block, and the guillotine is ready to be released.

But that's the same as rejecting the Son. Because you wouldn't put your trust in something you don't need. Now, I'm slowly coming to the realization that I need Jesus. I am not a perfect little angel. I am poor, because I live as if I am rich. I would be rich if I knew I were poor.