As a kid, I was one of those semi-slow kids who never really got ahold of his motor skills. I think art is the one class I consistently didn't get A's in until I hit high school and I realized you didn't have to shove the pencil as hard as possible onto the sheet... Art is a cruel reality.
As I created messes on paper, I don't think that in any way made my parents less proud of my artwork. On an objective scale, perhaps my masterpieces would warrant a 0.1 out of 10 (a 15 out of 10 on a scale for abstract and/or modern art), but that didn't stop my mom from telling me how awesome my drawings were. No matter how many jagged lines there were and no matter how many times I ripped holes in my papers because I didn't know how to wield my pencil, (and no matter how many times my evil art teacher gave me Bs and Cs), my art was still framed.
I don't know why I try so hard. Life is art, and as I mess up and color outside the lines once in a while, God loved me no less to send His Son. Wow.
I know I have things to face but I don't know what they are. God, help me be vulnerable.
I don't want to improve for the sake of improvement or for the sake of saving myself, but for the sake of glorifying God in my transformation. I'm afraid that somehow I will end up not living for God in the future. I'm afraid to put it all in His hands.
I'm working out salvation with fear and trembling. Forgetting, though, that it is God who is working in me and not me. So, it's definitely mostly self-centered fear and trembling, with very little reverent fear of God involved.
Deep sigh. Ups and downs, right? That's that.
Well, switching gears, I hate it when people feel uncomfortable. I think I have a harmony radar that goes off whenever a person feels uncomfortable. I've been noticing more lately - and I'm glad for this, that God is really giving me a heart for becoming a servant evangelist. It's an answer to one of my prayer requests at Urbana.
And this is a miracle, because I used to be a self-serving evangelist; all about the agenda, not about the relationship. Chris, the Bible-thumping picket protester.
It's hard to find a balance in the spectrum between "I have no problem that my friends are going to burn in hell" (Romans 9:3) and "I'm going to make my friends Christian no matter what it takes, because my words are all that matter and I have the means."
I'm learning to wait and listen, learning to share personally from my experiences, and although I need a million more years of work to be vulnerable, one day I'll be able to.
And yeah. So anyway, the fact that people feel uncomfortable makes me feel uncomfortable. So this past week, I think I adopted a different strategy. (And this may seem quite obvious).
Instead of blindly praying for people and closing my eyes and hoping they'll somehow absorb my spirituality and become Christians... and instead of raising my hands in worship, looking either down at the ground or up at the ceiling and hoping they're learning to worship too, I need to share the experience with them.
And that's presented itself in a lot of ways, but I realize a good icebreaker question is always, "Is this awkward?"
And they'll probably never say "Yes," but it's a good segway into a conversation of their spiritual background and a good opportunity to pray for them. It's really not in our hands.
Preserving harmony is a gift - and making people feel comfortable is what hospitality means. Not smiling, saying "Hi!" and going back to our ways, but to guide them through the whole thing. After all, it might be 5 minutes of awkwardness for you, but it saves them 3 hours of it. Servanthood.
It's sad because you can't ever stop yourself from being self-aware. I wonder what the world would be like if we could be.
On Easter, Pastor Andrew made a comment about sacrificial love:
(I hope it was Easter and not Good Friday. I have such a bad memory..)
"The moment you realize your love is sacrificial, it is no longer sacrificial."
So true. When you know you're making a sacrifice, you weren't making a sacrifice; you were just trying to impress another person, feel better about yourself, whatever. If it were natural, then sacrifice wouldn't seem out of the ordinary, at least not enough for you to be aware about it.
Understanding this is like the secret to bitterness and all the stuff that plagues churchgoers. We're just so aware of the time we spend in church, we're so aware of the things we do to supposedly serve, we're aware of the obligations we keep, we're aware of every devotional time we spend with God.. We don't just do it, we count it. And we expect something in return.
I spend a lot of my time counting my returns. And when they don't amount to much, I get bitter.
I really discovered what Jesus is about. Freedom to know that whatever I'm doing, it's all the same, there's no more or less benefit to doing one thing or another - God puts me in each place for a reason, and He wants me to enjoy the place I'm in. No matter how hard it might be at times, God will care for me.
This "awareness" thing is applicable to tons of other things.. the first thing that pops into my mind:
The moment you realize you are being humble, you are no longer humble.
That one sucks. A lot. (Especially when you're trying your best to be humble.)
But anyway, another thought that comes into my mind is how hard it is for us to commit to change. We don't ever want to change the way we are, and through having a couple different conversations with people, I've found that:
1) People hate questions they can't answer.
2) People hate uncertainty.
3) People hate change.
There's a lot of overlap in those three things. But I know this because we honestly don't want to face the truth.
For many, the most annoying thing about Jesus is that He tells us to drop everything and follow Him. And that's not for everyone, certainly not for the rich young man. But for me, the irony seems to be in the fact that we're so aware of the fact that Jesus is asking us to give up these things. I mean, honestly, it's strange that we are so preoccupied with what we have to give up instead of seeing how much Jesus is offering us.
And maybe if we just stopped being aware of the fact that we were giving things up, and we were just aware of the fact that God loves us and Jesus saves us and that is absolutely all we ever needed, then truly, everything else would be no sacrifice.
P.S. So what can I do about this self-awareness?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's what's awesome about it. Truly, let go, let God.
I have a couple pet peeves. I really hate it when people start their sentences with one of these two phrases:
"Oh, that's nothing. I've ..."
"No, but..."
These are words of downplay. The connotation I get from these is that "yeah, that's cool, but I'm way cooler." And I think a lot of people do this - whether because we hate affirming other people or we want to show we somehow know something more.
I know one thing I fall prey to is:
"Yeah, you're right, but..."
Sadly, if someone's right, I probably shouldn't put a "but" after saying "you're right." It just doesn't make sense. I do it because I want to be more right. Gotta keep a check on my tongue on that one. :)
I used to downplay the Gospel the same way.
"Yeah, Jesus loves me, that's great. But because He does, I need to serve Him and be obedient."
Alright. Slash that last sentence.
"Yeah, Jesus loves me, that's great! . But because He does, I need to serve Him and be obedient."
Amen.
There are always different ways to look at different situations. When I feel down and super emo, I'm tempted to look at the downside and how I'm falling down a depressing hole and no one is going to save me. Sometimes I need to look on the bright side and know that I'm only all emo because I heard something that's true that I didn't want to hear - or because I'm realizing I'm not as good as I seemed.
Someone suggested I'm not all that self-reflective this weekend, and to be honest, I think that's true. I'm very good at telling people what they want to hear.
"I'm struggling with learning how to serve God. I really am having a hard time surrendering my faith to Him."
I mean, honestly, anyone can say that anytime.
I feel like this Lent season has really shown me what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus doesn't want all my devotion, and I shouldn't want what Jesus gives, I should want Jesus. And today on Easter Sunday, I felt no particular emotional/spiritual high, but I am still content because I know Christ remains with me.
Perhaps I'll write this down now so I don't forget:
I'm very forgetful. Ask me what God has done in my life the past year and everything will just be a blank mess. Ask me what I learned last week and I wouldn't be able to tell you. I'm not sure why I'm like this.
I'm very messed up in a lot of ways. But perhaps instead of seeing it like a burden that I need to struggle through and improve on using some sort of Confucian standard (I'm saying Confucian because every Chinese fortune cookie seems to talk about success and how to obtain it).
I used to believe it was my faithfulness in prayer, or my crazy efforts to overcome these failures that would change me, but no. No more of this:
Chris, you just woke up for morning prayer. God has to bless you.
"Jesus, please change me and help me to change... I need you."
More of this:
Chris, it doesn't matter that you're here or not. It's awesome that you get to spend time with God.
"God, I am confident that you will change me and make me more like you, for I know Jesus dwells with me and died for my sake - so that I could approach you like this and ask a father as a son, confident that I am loved and confident that I have already been given everything I need. I am confident you love me the way I am."
"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."
- 2 Corinthians 3:4-6
A gift only means something if it cost something for the giver.
"When fears are stilled, when strivings cease."
A line from the song "In Christ Alone." It touches me deeply because I know that this is what changes me - the point where I no longer have to fear for my own salvation but know that God is God and I am me, that I can stop trying, for once, take a deep breath, and enjoy God.
Be still, Chris.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10
