I pray not for boldness for my sake. That I may be a better servant.
I pray for boldness for their sake. That they might one day rejoice in heaven. And that day, I'll know it was worth it. Not because I was more bold, but because they were found by the Father.
God's heart, and the heart for missions does not ask:
"What would happen to me if I went out and did this?"
It asks:
"What would happen to them if I did not do this?"
It is fundamentally the question at the heart of the Good Samaritan. It is the question he asked, and the question that the priest and the Levite failed to ask.
I spent a lot of my time in high school and college (though to be honest I don't really remember high school... I feel like I wasn't the same person back then) worrying about the next thing; the next task to take care of.
Do you know what I'm talking about? That nagging pressure somewhere between your heart and your stomach that feels like you've forgotten something. It's like your own personal Remembrall.
Especially being busy with things to do at church or at school or at work, I'm pretty sure I've taken 10 years off my life because of stress. Organization definitely helps, but I think it helps just to focus on the day at hand, the moment at hand, to live in the present and know the rest is provided for and planned out by God.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:33-34
Isaiah's really cool. And I don't find it a coincidence that I've ended up going through this part of the Word at this phase of my life and at this time of the year. I've always thought the Old Testament was completely boring and whack, but this is meaty. There's so many of God's promises in here it's amazing.
I just finished it, and the last book spoke to me. I read it three days in a row for no perceptible reason other than the fact that I just didn't want to move on without writing something about it.
"But whoever sacrifices a bull is like one who kills a man, and whoever offers a lamb, like one who breaks a dog's neck; whoever makes a grain offering is like one who presents pig's blood, and whoever burns memorial incense, like one who worships an idol. They have chosen their own ways, and their souls delight in their abominations..."
- Isaiah 66:3
And this so dearly reminds me of the verse that I never understand:
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."
- Hosea 6:6
And here's the kicker:
"For when I called, no one answered, when I spoke, no one listened. They did evil in my sight and chose what displeases me."
- Isaiah 66:4b
So it comes down to this for me. I know I'd much rather make up my own set of rules rather than listen to God. When God suggests I do something, I turn Him down because it's too hard and I'm too likely to fail, and it takes too much energy to get out of my comfort zone and listen. Then I feel guilty about it, so I fall back on my rules and make myself feel better by doing "holy" things.
But God doesn't need my fake time, God doesn't need my sacrifices, He wants my heart. He wants my obedience. And that's just one thing I feel like I desperately need to learn - that knowing God and following Him is a hundred thousand times over more important than what "the right thing to do" is. For all intents and purposes, sacrifices are "the right thing to do," but they're not what He wants.
"I will set a sign among them, and I will send some of those who survive to the nations - to Tarshish, to the Libyans and Lydians (famous as archers), to Tubal and Greece, and to the distant islands that have not heard of my fame or seen my glory. They will proclaim my glory among the nations. And they will bring all your brothers, from all the nations, to my holy mountain in Jerusalem as an offering to the Lord..." - Isaiah 66:19-20a
And this is God's heart and purpose for us. Those who survive are sent out so that God's glory and fame may be proclaimed and that the nations may hear of His name. Wouldn't that be awesome?
This "holy mountain" is referred to a lot in Isaiah - and every time I read of it, I imagine being in God's presence, so near to Him and delighting to be with Him... some real family time right there. It's like going home for Thanksgiving break - forever.
"Gideon replied, 'If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you.' And the LORD said, 'I will wait until you return.'"
- Judges 6:17-18
I heard this at Sunday's sermon (faith // part 2: future) at church, and I was reminded of something a while back.
Back in high school, there was a point and a day when I accepted Christ. It wasn't one of those Chia Pet-esque instant sprouting moments, and there's been long and painstaking growth in my life since then.
People would always tell me (and it was also written in the Psalty's Kids Bible I read when I was younger) that you're never too young to be serving God. Like Timothy - don't let people look down on you cause you're younger. And that statement seemed applicable because I've always been young, in every context, in every place I've been.
I remember saying to myself at the time, "God, I'll serve You when I get to college." I was way too lazy and it seemed too much of a sacrifice to give up video games and soccer for God at the time. I also saw my sister and how much she was enjoying her Christian fellowship at college, and every time I got to go visit her, I saw glimpses of that. And I think when I got to college that's what I was looking for - real community. So I thought, college is a good time to start serving God.
Well, I forgot about that for a couple years. But now, here I am, and I'm learning so much that it's ridiculous. The place I'm in, the decision to come to Michigan, the seeming coincidence at ending up at this specific church, it's all too much for me. It's as if God was saying:
Chris, go do your thing for a while and get your priorities in order. Then come back. I will wait until you return.
I'm slowly bringing my offering back and setting it before Him. And He's been waiting there the whole time.
That sometimes the deep fear that strikes my heart is that one day I'll come before God and He'll say:
"On that day, many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name? And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'"
- Matthew 7:23 (ESV)
I really want to be known by Jesus, and I really want to know Him.
I always ask myself these questions:
Why is the gospel worth anything to people? Why is it worth anything to me?
I want some tangible, material answer. "People will be healed from all diseases," "the world will be restored," "they will feel at peace," "never worry again..." But I find myself being fooled again. How are any of those things different from the prosperity gospel? Though it may not be money, it's still some form of worldly prosperity.
This article from the Desiring God Blog (The Costume Kingdom) struck me hard today. Because while I've been searching for tangible reasons for people as to why the gospel is important, I've been forgetting the real reason why the gospel is important.
God is worthy of all praise, and we are made to worship Him. We can't do that when we're caught up in ourselves and in the things of this world that we hope will satisfy us; we are sinful. The gap is wide, and the story is all wrong. God sent us His Son Jesus to die for us, that we might no longer be dragged down by our sin, but that we might be forgiven and loved by God, that we might be able to live in His story, and to do what we were meant to do - now and forevermore.
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. But those who trust in idols, who say to images, 'You are our gods,' will be turned back in utter shame.... Who is blind like the one committed to me, blind like the servant of the Lord? You have seen many things, but have paid no attention; your ears are open, but you hear nothing."
- Isaiah 42:16-17, 42:19b-20
I had a rough past week. I hate not understanding anything. I tried to process the gospel in my mind, but I couldn't. I tried to grasp the meaning of life, but still couldn't. It felt like a complete jumble... and I was just going through the motions.
But whatever I can or cannot process in my mind and emotions, I know this: "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30-31)
Faith is so valuable. I love the idea of being blind and following God. I think it's amazing to trust in Him who loves, who knows, and who created us, who sustains our every moment, and is even now writing out the beautiful story of each and every life.
And these days, I just can't take myself away from His promises to be our shepherd and guide. I first heard Psalm 23 in 1st grade and it was just a dry, old memory passage back then (so was 99% of the Bible) - but it's filled with so much hope when I look at it now - "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" - what are we but blind men and hungry sheep in trustworthy hands?
I got an e-mail today from the University asking for submissions on the topic: "Is there anyone left to trust?" I'm so tempted to e-mail them and let them know - we can only trust in Jesus.
This semester, the College of Literature, Science & Arts has a theme entitled "What Makes Life Worth Living?" There is no worldly answer. In spite of all our humanist ideals, we are nothing but arrogant, disobedient children ignoring our Father's pleas for trust.
And to know that even when all is taken away - our knowledge, our strength, our idols and all else we cling to and trust - that even when we have nothing, we are still God's: that is where I can find real hope.
I want to be as a blind man walking, having nothing but Christ before me, who lights my way, clears my path, and will never forsake me. I want to follow wherever He will take me.
