I've come to the conclusion that I'm driven by performance. Everything I do is either about succeeding at something or pleasing someone.
When I went cold-turkey evangelizing, I went out with the hope that someone I meet will be led to Christ through me - so that I might be able to tell others about it. Bad motive. Looking back, I would have done better to give the poor guy a hug rather than try to force speaking when he obviously didn't want to hear what I had to say.
So I have a few questions:
1) Do I really believe Christ was divine?
2) Do I trust in Christ with all my life?
These are a couple questions I constantly need to be asking myself. People seem to be able to pray to baby Jesus fine, but when he said that he is the way, the truth and the life, were they listening? Either he was divine or he was psychotic. Do I trust him enough to believe what he said was true?
Something new I've never read before:
"For certain men whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord."
- Jude 1:4
Reading the Bible has its benefits.
It makes it easy for me if I think to myself I only need to do so much before I need to stop. Like speaking the Gospel.. I kinda feel guilty until I tell one person, then I feel like I fulfilled the quota for the day. Is that right? No, definitely not. But it's how my brain works.
I told one of my good old friends more about the Gospel today. Kinda felt like a lecture... kinda felt like I was pushing it upon him. I don't know what to do sometimes. Just hope it brings about a change in his heart, and maybe I can be a witness.
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
- 1 John 4:10-11
After a year of struggles, I'm learning better how to love people.
It takes time.
There's no way to make people really come around to experience the fullness of life in Christ. All we can do is live it out and show them. As I talked to a few people yesterday just about what they believe in and what they live for, I realize that for most people, death is not even on their minds, and neither is really living for that matter. They are too preoccupied with the to-dos, the arguments, the debates, and the science behind everything.
And I struggle, exactly because I found that I have to question what is coming after this life. After people hit the age of retirement, they have nothing to do but gaze as to what is coming, as to what that light at the end of the tunnel really is, and how to get there. Seems that age has come very prematurely for me. It is a blessing to live knowing God, but I sometimes see it as a curse to have to constantly consider things that others have no worry for.
The relationship between sleep and awake-ness is definitely sinusoidal.
Note: The axes labels are switched. :)
I say this because I'm operating on around 30 minutes of sleep right now, on account of it being really humid in my apartment last night and my leg acting up... It's fun to sleep and hear Andrew talking to himself sometimes though... saying things like "I can't sleep! Ughhhh!"
So I got no sleep, but I'm still awake. I'm impressed with myself, too. On account of the fact that I should've been working all day and didn't, I guess I shouldn't be too proud.
* One inspiring prayer:
I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
Certainly this isn’t breathing
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing
Like my heart quits beating
Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord
You died, Lord
Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn, the Father’s love song goes on
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her
So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only one thing that pleases the Father
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers
Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers
And I’m finally free in the love of the Father
- Not Without Love (Benediction) - Jimmy Needham
