tongue depressors and shots

I had a few spats with shots and tongue depressors growing up. I hated the thought that there were tiny things traveling around in my bloodstream affecting me on the inside, and I gagged every time the doctor tried to get me to say, "Ahhhhh." The joyous sounds were always more like, "Agghhh-cack-cack-cack."

A couple specific incidents stick out in my memory. One was when I actually wrote my pediatrician a Christmas card saying, "Thank you for being my doctor; please don't use the tongue depressor on me next time I come in." The second was when I was slated for an MMR vaccination and I cried for a few good hours before the shot, and I was crying so hard I didn't realize that the doctor had already injected me and been done with it for a good while.

I only say all these things because I see those same fears in me at times. I can handle a shot, I gag a little less with the tongue depressors, but a lot of times I'll find myself being inordinately consumed by fear. Fear can inflict a whole lot more pain than the object of fear.

I've been afraid of facing criticism, I've been afraid of facing failure, I've been afraid of meeting new people, I've been afraid of social humiliation, I've been afraid of getting cancer; you name it, I've probably drowned myself in the fear of it. But I can see things have been changing slowly but surely, because I'm learning to live in the moment and just wait till it actually happens.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:6

Chris

trust and obey

This past summer has been amazing. I'm so thankful to God for all He's done.

There have been countless amount of times when I've felt guilty, ashamed, annoyed, frustrated, proud and weak. And God has not failed to deliver me once. No, not once.

I used to think that when things weren't going well that it was up to me. I had to get on my knees and fast, I had to read the Bible more, I had to serve more, I had to pray more. The voice of condemnation is oft the loudest and most convincing. Chris, why weren't you better?

I used to think that it was God's fault. If He's sovereign, why didn't he fix the problem? I'm a mere human, after all. There is no power in me to change anything. But God, can't you? God, why aren't you better?

But I've realized the power of simply obeying God and doing what He says. He says, "Follow me, and I will make you a fisher of men."

And without fail, every time I don't want to succumb to the discomfort of loving annoying people, every time I refuse to share God's love with someone who needs it, every time I have told Him, "God, I honestly don't love this guy, and I cannot." He has taught me to refuse to turn away and still say, "But I know Jesus overcame sin, so please overcome this sinful heart in me." Every time, God has opened amazing doors.

God, you are better. Create in me a clean heart; restore to me the joy of Your salvation; cast me not away from Your presence; do not take your Holy Spirit from me. For this is where I want to be.

Chris

cynicism

A cynic is someone who is "critical of the motives of others."

That comes out for me when I see people and I assume the absolute worst. Somewhere deep down inside, I know I'm the absolute worst and I assume that everyone else, including God, can only be worse than I am. So when I feel jaded and frustrated, I can only assume that everyone else is doing everything for the wrong reason, to please and serve their own selves.

At heart, it's a faith issue. No doubt everyone's motives are nasty and twisted on the inside, but sometimes I forget to believe that Jesus walks alongside us and purifies us to overcome our own sinful hearts. Sometimes I forget there's a way out. Sometimes I see what we should be and what we fail to be, and I forget that Jesus loves us anyway, and that He also made a way. Sometimes, I forget.

But the battle of the Christian, my battle to fight, is to stop where I am in my cynicism. Things are terrible now, no doubt, and objectively falling apart, but to turn in these times to the living God who can change all things. To the living Son of God who overcame sin and weakness and trust that it is finished. To the Christian, a broken situation is nothing but an opportunity to shine God's light.

I admire the Penn State players who are responding to their whole situation with optimism. I don't think human optimism lasts, but hope in God to accomplish and fulfill His purposes always will. What they said was purely inspiring:
"As a team, we don't see this as a punishment, this is an opportunity," senior running back Michael Zordich said. "This is the greatest opportunity a Penn Stater could ever be given. We have an obligation to Penn State and we have the ability to fight not just for a team, not just a program, but for an entire university and every man that wore the blue and white on the gridiron before us. We are going to embrace this opportunity and we're going to make something very special happen in 2012."
Added senior linebacker Michael Mauti: "This program was not built by one man and this program sure as hell is not going to get torn down by one man."
Bravo. Replace every reference to Penn State with either "God" or "the Church" and you have yourself one amazingly holy quote.

Chris

don't back down

I was inspired today by a friend I know from a couple years back. He goes to the other big campus church in town and he's heading out to Kyrgyzstan this summer to serve the people there on missions. His take on going went something like this:
You know, I'm afraid. Because I'm not sure if I'm going to raise enough money to cover this plane ticket, if I'll find enough support, what's going to happen, all that stuff. But I decided I'm not gonna let fear dictate my life. I'm going, and maybe I'll have to raise the rest of the funds after I get there, and maybe it'll fall apart, but I'm going.
And that's... the essence of faith, isn't it? To go somewhere when you don't know what will happen. To not let what you see dictate your decisions. And the whole difference in someone who is led by God and someone who is not is that someone who knows Jesus can have the firm confidence that God will never leave him nor forsake him, that if God is calling and we follow, that if we have nothing else in this life, we have Him.

That is a difficult one to fight for, I admit. But it's fully worth it. Jesus, raise up more men like this in our generation.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9

Chris

the living word

My daily morning routine takes me to Starbucks on State St. at 7:30. I normally lounge around a little and read a little bit of the Bible and chat a little bit with friends who might be around. Early morning Starbucks is the new hot destination for recent college grads.
This morning I was reading, and I came across the parable of the net.
Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lake and caught all kinds of fish.
- Matthew 13:47
Matthew Henry's commentary explains that the church catches all different kinds of people, those redeemed and not, and he mentions the times when Jesus asked his disciples to let down their nets and they respond, "We've been doing this all day and we know what we're doing so whatever, but we'll do it because you say so."

As I'm sitting at Starbucks reading this, someone comes and sits on the couch next to me. He looks like an incoming freshman, but you can't really be sure and the blue lanyard he's wearing indicates he could be here for anything - summer camp, college, a conference, etc.

I look over at him, and God puts on my mind, "Talk to this guy."

We've all heard this story before in some sermon or some Christian book. I started thinking back to all the times people shared about their experiences with timidity and in getting these impressions from God - they often end with some crazy moment where the person is ministered to in prayer or accepts Christ or something.

I've been there too many times before, and most of the time I end up forcing a conversation out of fear, and it never ends really well. But this time, I couldn't help but think of the verses that talk about not worrying what to say because the Spirit will give you words to speak (Matthew 10:19), not fearing man but fearing God who can kill you and also send you to hell (Matthew 10:28).

So I'm sitting here wavering on the fence... and there was a huge jumble of thoughts racing through my mind:

What if this guy was sent to hell and asked me, "Why didn't you talk to me?"
Alright, God, if you want me to do this, give me the Spirit's power.
I'm totally not doing this.
I'm scared he's going to flip out and reject me.
Is that the worst thing that can happen? And how can I call myself surrendered if I can't even bear such small shame?
It's quiet in Starbucks. People are going to look over and think I'm weird.
Is this the moment he's going to accept Christ, if I talk to him?
I am an absolute nobody. I might be one link in a chain of a thousand people and God doesn't want me to take any glory.
Maybe... God just wants me to talk to him.

I calculate a lot.

In the end, God makes what He wants happen. During this silent torture I was inflicting on myself, the guy looked at me and we made eye contact for a second. I said, "Sup."

The conversation wasn't too long. He's in town for a week bumming because his dad is here for some conference. I invited him to LIFE group because he said he was bored and asked him if he needed prayer for anything. He probably thinks I'm a weirdo.

I'm thankful for the chance to be obedient to His Word. Because maybe it doesn't have anything to do with what happens after I do something. Maybe it has a lot more to do with listening and following, even if nothing comes of it. And in the end, He'll bear fruit.
Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."
- Luke 5:5

Chris

fight

We've been learning what it means to be a REAL man at our church. REAL in all caps because it's an acronym like all great things:

Reject Passivity
Exemplify Integrity
Accept Responsibility
Lead Courageously

I must admit I wasn't readily convinced by these things a year and a half ago, but the more it's in the back of my mind as I live life and I see what lacking these qualities can do to a man's character and to how it affects the world around him, I realize that they're crucial.

It's not explicitly specified, but I think one quality that I really want to grow in and see other men grow in is in fighting to the death. More accurately, fighting the death.

Sin produces death. My natural response to such sin is to run in the other direction.
What, Chris? You're struggling with pride because you have a public reputation and position? Then just quit your position because it's making you proud.

What, Chris? You're struggling with lust? Then avoid anyone of the opposite gender at all costs, because they're the cause.

There's a fine line between proactively fighting against something and running away from it. I guess I could be proactively fighting by making decisions to steer away from the triggers to my sin, but more often than not, I make those decisions because I'm fearful of having to deal with my own sin being exposed. I'm afraid to repent and confess and come clean. And that's how we fight. In our weakness.

I want to learn to come head-to-head with my weaknesses, acknowledging their reality yet not backing down or despairing but having hope and faith that Jesus can overpower my sin no matter how great.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
- 1 Timothy 6:12

Chris

a reason to die for

Thabiti Anyabwile, Thinking, Loving, Doing (p. 97-98):
"'Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it ... If anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward' (Matt. 10:39, 42 NIV). Christian, throw safety and security and ease and comfort and convenience to the dogs! Give yourself to something greater - the glory of God and the joy of God. Jesus is our reward. Lose your life for Jesus and the gospel so that you will find your life. Give that cup of water - in other words, do even small acts of mercy in the name of Jesus and the gospel - and you will have a reward you cannot lose. Count it all loss so that you might gain Christ. Stop fearing man - and go get your reward, which is loving fellowship with God in heaven. God is your portion, your inheritance. And to everyone who goes out with the gospel of the kingdom, God gives himself as the fulfillment of all their hopes and joy. Go get him."

Chris

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