nostalgia

Recently, I bought the Backstreet Boys' old Millennium album that I remember listening to over and over again when I was in 4th grade. I used to get such a kick out of singing along to the songs when I was little, and the music just brings me back to those times.
Those guitar-lovey-dovey-ballads... whatever happened to music? Now it's rap with uber-repetitive beats, and people are more disillusioned with the world than ever. If I had to name our current generation, I'd call it post-post-modernism - pretty much, we're beyond being disillusioned, we're beyond lost, and we're still okay with it.
The Backstreet Boys' golden days seems like so long ago, but it was only 9 years back... Who knows where the next 9 years will go?

I seem like I'm drifting through life without a purpose - that's one of the reasons I started even blogging because I feel like I need to be able to look back and remember what happened a week ago to even try to figure out what to do in the next week, and hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and struggles in the past.

I'm so messed up inside - I value my relationships with people and how I look to others more than I could ever care for the actual people I spend time with. "Getting deeper with people" is in particular hard for me because it's so easy for me to give the textbook "vulnerable" answers - that in fact aren't really "vulnerable" facts about myself but things I say when people ask me to share. I spend so little time in introspection that I really don't even know what I'm passionate about.

One thing I do know though, is in the past few weeks when I kept on trying to dig inside myself for sins I could confess to God while praying, I realized I couldn't find any - I thought so highly of myself that I thought I was above sin. Some sense has been slapped into me now - it's actually that I'm so stupid that I don't even realize I'm doing things wrong when I do - and so I feel even more like an idiot nowadays... albeit a proud idiot who's just realized he's stupid, and thankful for it.

Now I know how desperately I need to pray, to reflect, to look inside myself and find some answers to questions I ask myself and other people ask me.